A couple had their first child, and shockingly, the baby was born with no arms and no legs -- or even a body.  He was literally just a head.

On the day of their son's 21st birthday, the father decides to take his son for his first official real drink.  So, they go to the local pub where the father proudly puts his son on the bar and orders two shots of their finest bourbon.

The father takes the drinks and downs his shot while pouring the other drink in his son's mouth.  Lo and behold, the head starts wiggling and shaking and suddenly and dramatically it sprouts an entire torso!

"What the hell?!" screams the dad.  "Bartender, two more!" and they they do it again.  And the torso and head start wiggling and shaking and boom! The son sprouts two arms!

The dad gasps, "Unbelievable!!" and orders two more shots.  And this time the wiggling and shaking leads to him instantly sprouting two legs.

"Two more shots!" screams the dad.

"Holy shit!" screams the son. "Wait!  Look! I can walk!  I can run!" 

And with that the son goes running out the door -- straight into traffic and gets obliterated by a bus.

"Hmm.' says the bartender. "He should have quit while he was a head."

 

I thought this picture was funny.

It's an open market event in Waipahu with dogs.

I thought this picture was funny.

It's an open market event in Waipahu with dogs.

Farmers' Market?

Wouldn't Ranchers be more accurate?

 

The makeke is today. To benefit Hawaiʻi humane society. It's a pet adoption event.
Not a bbq.

The makeke is today. To benefit Hawaiʻi humane society. It's a pet adoption event.
Not a bbq.

I saw the "Adopt a dog" banner at the top, so i figured that's the reason for the smiling canines.

 

Farmers' Market?

Wouldn't Ranchers be more accurate?

 

...
I thought it was the 3-choice mix plate.

I'm so glad I'm not into collecting sea glass. It's so controversial. ...don't need any more drama in my life.

One night as dad was listening to his little girl say her prayers before bed, he heard her say,

"God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa."

He asked if she meant to say "Good-bye Grandpa" instead of God bless, and she said,

"I don't know.  it just seemed like the right thing to say,"

Eerily, the next day, Grandpa did indeed die from a stroke.

A month goes by, and listening to his girl's prayers, he hears,

"God bless mommy, God bless daddy, and good-bye Grandma."

He again asked if this was just a mistake, and she again said it just felt right.

The very next day, Grandma too passed away.

Dad was a bit concerned, wondering if there was something about his girl that could predict the future.  But, he basically shrugged it all off as coincidence.

Three months go by, and his girl's prayers take on a different sense of dread:

"God bless mommy, and good-bye daddy,."

The father could hardly believe what he heard.  It was so unnerving, he barely slept a wink that night.

The next morning, he left 2 hours early for work, then remained at work until almost midnight.  He thought, if I can just make it until midnight, maybe I'll be fine.

He comes home about 1AM, and mom is visibly upset.  He tried to apologize for being so late, but that wasn't why she was so tense.

She said, "You're never going to believe what a day I had.  I was leaving to do some grocery shopping about noon, and i found the mailman dead at our front door!"

My girlfriend has one of the most unusual allergies I've ever heard of.  She's severely allergic to cotton.

She said she has medication to prevent it, but she hasn't been able to get the pills out of the bottle yet.

 

I found my my 9mm....

Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk

 

Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk

An older, white haired gentleman entered a high-end jewelry store with a beautiful young woman on his arm.

He told the salesman that greeted them, "I'd like to get my girlfriend something very special.  Where are your diamond rings?"

The salesman went behind the counter and pulled out a beautiful diamond ring.

He said, "This wonderful ring is $5,000."

The man said, "I don't think you understood me.  I want something special."

The salesman apologized, went to the vault, and returned with an exquisite ring.

"This one is $40,000," he said.

"That's more like like it!"

After a little trying on and remarking over its beauty, the man said, "We'll take it."

In response to form of payment, the man replied, "I can write you a check for the full amount.  Since it's Saturday and the bank is closed, and I'm sure you'll want to verify the check is good first, I'm happy to leave the ring with you until Monday morning."

The salesman said that would be acceptable, and he put the ring back in the vault until Monday.

When Monday morning rolled around, the customer returned to the store.  The salesman who sold him the ring was angry.

"You've got some nerve!  The check you gave us bounced.  There's literally no money in that account!"

"I know," was the reply.  "But you'd never believe what kind of weekend I had!"

    

An old lady calls 911 late one evening. The dispatcher answers "911, what is your emergency?"

"There appears to be two men rummaging through my car."

"A burglary in progress? We'll have an officer there in an hour."

"An hour? But they won't be here in an hour. They're in my car now."

"Ma'am, no officers are available right now. We'll send a squad car  in one hour."

The old lady hangs up, then calls back a few minutes later.

"911, what is your emergency?"

"I'm the lady who called about the two men breaking into my car. You don't have to send anyone. I shot them."

Within a few minutes, there were police all over her yard. The men were apprehended, and the commanding-officer-on-scene asked the woman, "I thought you told the 911 dispatcher that you had shot the men?"

"And I thought the 911 dispatcher had told me that there were no officers available."

Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk

https://twitter.com/i/status/1768753827891880217

Bidet should become an astronaut… he sucks like the void and is just taking up space…..

Bidet should become an astronaut… he sucks like the void and is just taking up space…..

...
In that video spoof he looked "Lost In Space".

The husband was enjoying his day off watching Sunday football, when his wife walked in.

She asked, "Hon, could you take a look at the hall light fixture?  I replaced the bulb, but there's something else wrong with it."

Having missed an amazing play due to the interruption, the husband angrily replied, "Do I look like an electrician?"

A little while later, she shyly sticks her head into the living room again and says, "Hon, the fridge door is just about to fall off.  I'm having a hard time closing it."

To which he replies, "Do I look like an appliance repairman?"

Near the end of the 4th quarter, she asks, "When this is over, can you take a look at the front steps?  I almost fell twice this week bringing in groceries."

Again, he asks, "Do I look like a carpenter?"

When the game was over, he decides to get away from the nagging at home and goes for a long drive.  With no real destination in mind, he starts to reflect on his attitude toward his wife.  Guilt starts to overcome him, so after some time he heads home to apologize.

As he walks up to the front door, he can see the front steps are repaired.  Amazed, he then notices the hall light is on.  He guessed his wife wasn't as helpless as she pretended.  Finally, as he went to the kitchen for a beer, he saw that the fridge door was also fixed.

He headed to the living room, and his wife walked in.  He asked her, "So all those things you needed done, you could have done them yourself?"

She said, "Oh, no.  I was so upset at the way you treated me, all I could do was cry.  I was crying on the front steps trying to think what to do, and one of the neighbors' asked me what was wrong.  When I explained all the chores around the house you refused to do, he said, "Well, don't cry.  I can take care of that stuff for you, but it won't be free."

She asked what he'd charge, and he said, "I know money's tight for most folks, so I'll do it if you make a cake for my daughter's birthday.  I'll accept that, or you can sleep with me."

The husband said, "You made him a cake, I hope."

She smiled and said, "Do I look like a baker?"

I stumbled on this YT channel showing people's first reaction to the endings of movies they just watched.  The movie: It's a Wonderful Life.

I figured 90% of the people would tear up, and they did, but some just broke down crying like crazy!

But that wasn't the funniest thing.  There was a guy and gal watching as the camera zoomed in on the inscription from Clarence (the angel) in his copy of Tom Sawyer.  The guy watching paused and said, "I can't read that."  So she read the writing out loud for him.

I had to think, "Can't read it? What the ..."

Then I realized ... it was handwritten .... in cursive!

 

If Baby Boomers ever got to war with GenZ, we should use cursive so our messages can't be decrypted.   

All this back and forth about reality vs. possibility reminded me of a story ....

Little Johnny who lived next door to us was doing a vocabulary worksheet where he had to find the definitions of words that are associated in some way.

His words were "potentially" and "actually."

So, as usual, he went to dad first, because dad seems to know everything. 

After Johnny told dad about the assignment, dad puzzled over it for a minute, then said, "I could give you the book answer, but I think you'll learn more if we do a little research into those terms."

With that, they walked into the kitchen where mom was cooking.  Dad walks up to her and says, "Think about this carefully.  Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million bucks?"

Without hesitation, mom said, "Would I??!!  Hell, I'd pay him!"

Then they walked down the hall to Johnny's sister's room, where dad asked the same question:  Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million bucks?

Sister replied, "Well, he's kinda hot for an old guy, but I guess for that much money, I'd do it."

They then walked down the hall to Johnny's brother's room.  Same question.

Brother looked a bit disturbed at the thought, but then replied, "For a million bucks, I'd do it, but since I'm not gay, it would have to be completely private.  Nobody could know."

As they walked back toward the garage where they started, Johnny said, "So, dad?  How does this help me finish my homework?"

Dad looked at him and said, "It's simple.  Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars.  But actually we're living with a slut, a whore and a closet fag."

 

Being it's again the end of a tax year, the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said:

"I notice you buy a lot of bandages.  What do you do with the short pieces at the end of the roll that are too little to be of use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO.  "We save them and send them back to the bandage company.  In return, they send us a free box of bandages each month."

"Oh," was all the auditor had to say, apparently disappointed the CFO had a good answer at the ready.

As the auditor continued his dive into the books, he asked obnoxiously, "What about all these plaster purchases?  What do you do with the plaster left in a box after setting a cast?"

"Uh," began the CFO as he realized now the auditor was simply trying to trap him with unanswerable questions. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer who sends us a free package of plaster now and then."

"I see," replied the auditor who was thinking hard about how to fluster the know-it-all CFO.

As the auditor started reviewing surgical expenses, he had a brilliant idea for another question:

"What do you do with all the foreskins discarded after all the circumcisions your hospital performs?"

"Here, too, we don't waste anything," answered the CFO. "We save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS.  Then, about once a year, they send us a complete dick."