Jokes? Jokes, anyone... (Read 406191 times)

Kingkeoni

Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« on: October 14, 2011, 07:20:23 AM »
Ok, so to liven things up a little, I've decided to make a joke thread. Go ahead and tell em if you've got em.
 :rofl:
Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.

Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

Kingkeoni

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #1 on: October 14, 2011, 07:26:12 AM »
A tourist walks into a curio shop in Waikiki. Looking around at the curios, he notices a bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so nice looking that he decided he must have it.

He took it to the owner:

"How much for the bronze rat?"

"Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the story," said the owner.

The tourist gave the man twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and began following him down the street. This was very disconcerting, and he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

He began to trot towards the Ala Wai canal looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS -- and they were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the canal, and threw the bronze rat as far out into the water as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Ala Wai after it, and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "you have come back for the story?"

"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze democrat"
Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.

Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

Growler67

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #2 on: October 14, 2011, 07:32:01 AM »
Two guys walk into a bar.

The third guy ducks..........


Practice does NOT make perfect. Perfection is an Ideal and thus cannot exist in the real world. To seek perfection is to set yourself up for failure. Instead, strive for Excellence. Excellence is an attainable goal - Coach George Yamamoto, Mililani High School, RIP

BananaClip

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #3 on: October 14, 2011, 09:04:50 AM »
A woodchuck a nurse and a horse walk into a store...no no no wait...

A dog a doctor and a fireman walk into a bar...no no no shux...

One Hawaiian one japanee and one Potogi driving in one truck... no no no... wait....ah brah... nevamine alrede....

 :crazy: :crazy: :crazy: :crazy:
« Last Edit: October 28, 2011, 05:02:34 PM by BananaClip »
"In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth"- Genesis1:1 KJV

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Cougar8045

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #4 on: October 14, 2011, 11:22:51 AM »
Little Chemistry 101 joke:

A guy sits down at the bar, and says to the barkeep, "Hot out today!  I'll have a tall glass of H2O, please."
His friend says, "Man, that does sound like a good idea.  I'll have some H2O, too, please." 
The friend did not survive.
I'm just a fluffy white bunny rabbit who lost his way. 

"If a thief be found breaking in, and be smitten that he die, there shall no blood be shed for him. ..."  -Exodus 22:2

vooduchikn

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #5 on: October 14, 2011, 11:31:47 AM »
Little Chemistry 101 joke:

A guy sits down at the bar, and says to the barkeep, "Hot out today!  I'll have a tall glass of H2O, please."
His friend says, "Man, that does sound like a good idea.  I'll have some H2O, too, please." 
The friend did not survive.

Har har....did the friend end up with bleached hair?
Relax, I've banned myself..

vooduchikn

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #6 on: October 14, 2011, 11:34:34 AM »
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong. 'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace. 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace.. Please accept my condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'


Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

Relax, I've banned myself..

2aHawaii

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Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #7 on: October 14, 2011, 12:59:51 PM »
Little Chemistry 101 joke:

A guy sits down at the bar, and says to the barkeep, "Hot out today!  I'll have a tall glass of H2O, please."
His friend says, "Man, that does sound like a good idea.  I'll have some H2O, too, please." 
The friend did not survive.

I'm so sloooooow. I stared at that joke for too long.
I am not a lawyer.

"A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed." - United States Constitution Amendment 2 & Hawaii State Constitution Article 1 Section 17

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GZire

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #8 on: October 14, 2011, 01:57:28 PM »
Little Chemistry 101 joke:

A guy sits down at the bar, and says to the barkeep, "Hot out today!  I'll have a tall glass of H2O, please."
His friend says, "Man, that does sound like a good idea.  I'll have some H2O, too, please." 
The friend did not survive.

I'm so sloooooow. I stared at that joke for too long.


H2O2  =  hydrogen peroxide

antoinebugleboy

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #9 on: October 17, 2011, 03:56:08 PM »
My favorite joke of all time:

A man is hunting out in the woods. It's a cold, dark night, and he's waiting for a deer, when all of a sudden, a grizzly bear crashes through the bushes! Before the man has a chance to raise his rifle, the bear knocks it aside with his great big paw and with his other paw, knocks the man to the ground! The man is dazed and thinking he's going to die, when the bear picks him up, lays him over a rotted log, and rapes him to within an inch of his life.

Humiliated and bitter, the man makes it back to civilization and vows revenge. When he makes it out of the hospital six weeks later, he buys another rifle, in a huge caliber, and spends half his fortune in the most advanced hunting gear. He goes back out in the woods, sets all his traps, puts on his nightvision goggles, sprays himself with bear scent, loads his rifle, and-

The bear crashes through the bushes again, and sure enough, before he can raise his rifle and get off a shot, with one huge paw, he knocks the gun aside, knocks the man out with the other, and yup, lays him over a log and has his way with him, even worse than before.

The man survives this ordeal and SWEARS THIS BEAR IS GOING TO DIE BY HIS HANDS. He takes no chances. He spends the rest of his fortune and mortgages his home. He maxes out all his credit cards. He begs and borrows from his family and friends and he buys not only hunting gear, but claymores and mines and all manner of cameras and traps. He even takes the time to learn jujitsu and learns to fight blindfolded, to hone his senses so the bear can't sneak up on him again. He drives back out to the woods with all his gears and training, and, you guessed it, before he can even finish getting ready, the bear crashes through the bushes, knocks his weapon aside, bats him about the head, and lays him over a log. As the man, dazed and stunned, curses his fate, the bear says, "You don't come here to hunt, do you?"
There ain't no such thing as a free lunch. - Heinlein

I swear by my life, and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine. - Rand

What can be asserted without evidence can also be dismissed without evidence. - Hitchens

vooduchikn

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #10 on: October 17, 2011, 06:35:25 PM »
My favorite joke of all time:

A man is hunting out in the woods. It's a cold, dark night, and he's waiting for a deer, when all of a sudden, a grizzly bear crashes through the bushes! Before the man has a chance to raise his rifle, the bear knocks it aside with his great big paw and with his other paw, knocks the man to the ground! The man is dazed and thinking he's going to die, when the bear picks him up, lays him over a rotted log, and rapes him to within an inch of his life.

Humiliated and bitter, the man makes it back to civilization and vows revenge. When he makes it out of the hospital six weeks later, he buys another rifle, in a huge caliber, and spends half his fortune in the most advanced hunting gear. He goes back out in the woods, sets all his traps, puts on his nightvision goggles, sprays himself with bear scent, loads his rifle, and-

The bear crashes through the bushes again, and sure enough, before he can raise his rifle and get off a shot, with one huge paw, he knocks the gun aside, knocks the man out with the other, and yup, lays him over a log and has his way with him, even worse than before.

The man survives this ordeal and SWEARS THIS BEAR IS GOING TO DIE BY HIS HANDS. He takes no chances. He spends the rest of his fortune and mortgages his home. He maxes out all his credit cards. He begs and borrows from his family and friends and he buys not only hunting gear, but claymores and mines and all manner of cameras and traps. He even takes the time to learn jujitsu and learns to fight blindfolded, to hone his senses so the bear can't sneak up on him again. He drives back out to the woods with all his gears and training, and, you guessed it, before he can even finish getting ready, the bear crashes through the bushes, knocks his weapon aside, bats him about the head, and lays him over a log. As the man, dazed and stunned, curses his fate, the bear says, "You don't come here to hunt, do you?"

 :wtf:

Relax, I've banned myself..

Kingkeoni

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #11 on: October 17, 2011, 06:48:16 PM »
I get the feeling Antoine is telling his hunting story and not a joke.   :rofl:
Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.

Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

antoinebugleboy

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #12 on: October 17, 2011, 09:57:24 PM »
I get the feeling Antoine is telling his hunting story and not a joke.   :rofl:

I was telling you guys the story of how I met my wife!
There ain't no such thing as a free lunch. - Heinlein

I swear by my life, and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine. - Rand

What can be asserted without evidence can also be dismissed without evidence. - Hitchens

Kingkeoni

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #13 on: October 17, 2011, 10:33:21 PM »
I get the feeling Antoine is telling his hunting story and not a joke.   :rofl:

I was telling you guys the story of how I met my wife!

So she was the hunter and you were the bear?

Or...?   
Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.

Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

antoinebugleboy

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #14 on: October 17, 2011, 10:45:46 PM »
I get the feeling Antoine is telling his hunting story and not a joke.   :rofl:

I was telling you guys the story of how I met my wife!

So she was the hunter and you were the bear?

Or...?

You didn't see her at the party? Brown hair, brown eyes, about 9' 8", 650 pounds...
There ain't no such thing as a free lunch. - Heinlein

I swear by my life, and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine. - Rand

What can be asserted without evidence can also be dismissed without evidence. - Hitchens

antoinebugleboy

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #15 on: October 17, 2011, 10:49:03 PM »
I just say the punchline whenever someone keeps doing the same thing while complaining about the result. Like my work friend. We're always sitting together at lunch, and we rip into one another, and we laugh at each other's jokes, it's hilarious. But he always loudly complains and claims to hate me and never wants to sit by me again.  I just shake my head at him and say, "You don't come here to hunt, do you?" ;)
There ain't no such thing as a free lunch. - Heinlein

I swear by my life, and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine. - Rand

What can be asserted without evidence can also be dismissed without evidence. - Hitchens

Kingkeoni

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #16 on: October 18, 2011, 12:01:52 AM »
I get the feeling Antoine is telling his hunting story and not a joke.   :rofl:

I was telling you guys the story of how I met my wife!

So she was the hunter and you were the bear?

Or...?

You didn't see her at the party? Brown hair, brown eyes, about 9' 8", 650 pounds...

Oh yeah, she had the hairy back.

Now I remember.
Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.

Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

antoinebugleboy

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #17 on: October 18, 2011, 12:07:09 AM »
I get the feeling Antoine is telling his hunting story and not a joke.   :rofl:

I was telling you guys the story of how I met my wife!

So she was the hunter and you were the bear?

Or...?

You didn't see her at the party? Brown hair, brown eyes, about 9' 8", 650 pounds...

Oh yeah, she had the hairy back.

Now I remember.

I didn't have the courage to tell her that the tube top didn't look good on her.  :shake:
There ain't no such thing as a free lunch. - Heinlein

I swear by my life, and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine. - Rand

What can be asserted without evidence can also be dismissed without evidence. - Hitchens

antoinebugleboy

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #18 on: October 20, 2011, 12:57:43 PM »
A penguin is driving through the desert, when his car breaks down. Fortunately, he's near a service station, so he pulls in, and the mechanic says he'll take a look, but it'll be about half an hour.

The penguin is boiling in this heat. He's from somewhere cold, you know. So he goes to the convenience store attached to the service station, and he buys an ice cream bar. He's eating it, and it cools him off some, but it's the desert, so the ice cream starts melting all of his face, his flippers, it's a big mess.

Just then, the mechanic comes out, wipes the grease off his hands on an oily rag, and says to the penguin, "Well, it looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin shakes his head and says, "Aw, no man. It's just ice cream!"
There ain't no such thing as a free lunch. - Heinlein

I swear by my life, and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine. - Rand

What can be asserted without evidence can also be dismissed without evidence. - Hitchens

2aHawaii

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Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #19 on: October 20, 2011, 01:06:17 PM »
^ That was really dirty :P
I am not a lawyer.

"A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed." - United States Constitution Amendment 2 & Hawaii State Constitution Article 1 Section 17

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