Jokes? Jokes, anyone... (Read 406199 times)

Heavies

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #40 on: December 09, 2011, 04:13:00 AM »
^^ :rofl: :rofl: ^^

So that how to do it!

 :rofl: :rofl:

Inspector

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #41 on: December 09, 2011, 06:08:03 AM »
Check out this bad Santa....

http://www.humorsziget.hu/post?p_id=7730

SCIENCE THAT CAN’T BE QUESTIONED IS PROPAGANDA!!!

Kingkeoni

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #42 on: December 09, 2011, 07:31:09 AM »
A man named Bill woke up on his birthday.
His wife and kids didn't even say good morning to him.
So, he left for work in a huff.
His receptionist, Joanna, said happy birthday.
"Thanks, Joanna. That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me all day." Bill relied, pleased.
So he worked until his lunch break, when Joanna asked if he fancied a lunch.
 Instead of taking their usual lunch just outside, they went to a big beautiful bistro.
 " My apartment is just around the corner. Would you like to visit?" Joanna asked.
 "Sure, why not?" Bill replied. At her apartment, Bill sat down on the couch.
Joanna said she'd be right back and stepped into the bedroom.
 Minutes later, she came back out followed by Bills family, friends, and co-workers. "Surprise!",
.Bill just sat there... naked.
Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.

Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

antoinebugleboy

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #43 on: December 09, 2011, 08:27:51 AM »
^^ Haha!  :rofl:
There ain't no such thing as a free lunch. - Heinlein

I swear by my life, and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine. - Rand

What can be asserted without evidence can also be dismissed without evidence. - Hitchens

Kingkeoni

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #44 on: December 09, 2011, 06:47:20 PM »
A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a rocking chair on his porch.
 "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?"
"I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied.
"Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?"
 "Twenty-six."
Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.

Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

BananaClip

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #45 on: December 09, 2011, 09:17:54 PM »
A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a rocking chair on his porch.
 "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?"
"I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied.
"Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?"
 "Twenty-six."
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Funny and depressing at the same time :crazy:
"In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth"- Genesis1:1 KJV

"The Truth Shall Set You Free"

"Once Blind But Now i See"

Mr. Farknocker

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #46 on: December 12, 2011, 04:07:52 PM »
Deer Season Cartoon

[attachment deleted by admin]

kala201

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #47 on: December 18, 2011, 08:46:33 PM »
If Chinese have Chow mein and Japanese have ramen, what do Filipinos have?


Doberman!

kala201

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #48 on: December 18, 2011, 08:55:37 PM »
One year Santa came down the chimney to deliver presents to this one house.  He was greeted by a super hot woman dressed in nothing but her sexiest lingerie.  "Can't you stay and have some fun," she asked.

"Ho, ho, ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver all the presents you know," Santa replied as he placed the presents under the tree.  So the hot chick took off her bra exposing her perfect tits.  "Are you sure you can't stay and have some fun," she asked seductively.

"Ho, ho, ho gotta go, gotta go gotta deliver all the presents you know," Santa replied as he placed the toys in the children's stockings.  So the sexy women removed her lace thong and said, "Are you sure you can't stay and have some fun?"

Seeing this Santa turned and said "Hey, hey, hey gotta stay, gotta stay I can't go up the chimney with my dick this way!"

GZire

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #49 on: December 19, 2011, 11:02:24 AM »
A guy walks into a bar in Oklahoma and orders a white wine.

Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

Dregs

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #50 on: December 21, 2011, 10:52:10 AM »
One year Santa came down the chimney to deliver presents to this one house.  He was greeted by a super hot woman dressed in nothing but her sexiest lingerie.  "Can't you stay and have some fun," she asked.

"Ho, ho, ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver all the presents you know," Santa replied as he placed the presents under the tree.  So the hot chick took off her bra exposing her perfect tits.  "Are you sure you can't stay and have some fun," she asked seductively.

"Ho, ho, ho gotta go, gotta go gotta deliver all the presents you know," Santa replied as he placed the toys in the children's stockings.  So the sexy women removed her lace thong and said, "Are you sure you can't stay and have some fun?"

Seeing this Santa turned and said "Hey, hey, hey gotta stay, gotta stay I can't go up the chimney with my dick this way!"

This had me loling. Thanks  :rofl:

Echo5Alpha

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #51 on: January 01, 2012, 11:11:24 PM »
What do you call a filipino walking a dog?  A vegetarian

What do you call a filipino walking 5 dogs?  A Rancher

Inspector

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #52 on: January 02, 2012, 08:24:29 AM »
One evening a little girl walked past her parent's bedroom and saw them having sex. "Daddy, what are you doing to Mommy?" she asked. "Don't worry, sweetie," the father replied, "I'm just planting you a bay sister."
The next evening when the father arrived home after work, he found his little girl sitting on the doorstep, crying. "What's wrong, honey?" he asked.
"Remember how you planted me a baby sister last night?" she said sobbing. "Well, when the mailman was here today, he ate her."
SCIENCE THAT CAN’T BE QUESTIONED IS PROPAGANDA!!!

2aHawaii

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Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #53 on: January 05, 2012, 10:09:42 AM »
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own.. so does she..
I am not a lawyer.

"A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed." - United States Constitution Amendment 2 & Hawaii State Constitution Article 1 Section 17

Buying from Amazon? Click through here

Dregs

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #54 on: January 05, 2012, 05:02:45 PM »
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher.. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
 The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
 The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
 The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull......
 With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.
 The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
 
"Your badge... Show him your badge!!"

Cougar8045

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #55 on: January 05, 2012, 06:16:51 PM »
^^^Love it!
I'm just a fluffy white bunny rabbit who lost his way. 

"If a thief be found breaking in, and be smitten that he die, there shall no blood be shed for him. ..."  -Exodus 22:2

Jkeone808

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #56 on: January 07, 2012, 03:04:05 AM »
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher.. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
 The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
 The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
 The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull......
 With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.
 The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
 
"Your badge... Show him your badge!!"

Hahaha
"A free people ought not only to be armed and disciplined, but they should have sufficient arms and ammunition to maintain a status of independence from any who might attempt to abuse them, which would include their own government."
- George Washington

kala201

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #57 on: January 07, 2012, 12:12:40 PM »
Dregs-

Thanks my bruddah I haven't laughed that hard in awhile.  I run into those kinds of people everyday at work.

230RN

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #58 on: January 16, 2012, 04:14:57 AM »
To my mind, such as it is, puns and limericks are the highest form of humor.... enjoy:

-------------------

Lighten Up!!!

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

--------------------

I'm not signing this one so nobody will know who posted it.
I do believe that the radical and crazy notion that the Founders meant what they said, is gradually soaking through the judicial system.

Kingkeoni

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #59 on: January 16, 2012, 06:34:40 AM »
So, this guy is in a relationship with a beautiful girl.

They seem to have the perfect relationship when out of the blue she breaks up with him.

He tries to call her and she won't even return his calls.

The guy doesn't understand so he drives over to her house to wait for her so they can talk.

As he's sitting there waiting for her, she gets dropped off by another guy.

The girl and guy #2 give each other a passionate kiss and guy #2 starts to walk back to his car.

Well boyfriend #1 is just amazed.

He walks up to guy #2 and says "Hey, what are you doing kissing my girlfriend?"

Guy #2 tells him, "Sorry, but she's my girlfriend now."

Boyfriend#1 is just plain confused, he says "I don't understand, why would she leave me for you?"

Guy #2 says, "Let me explain. After you take a leak, do you shake your penis?"

Boyfriend #1 says, "Yes of course"

Guy #2 says, "Well I kick mine"
Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.

Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.