Post by: Kingkeoni on October 14, 2011, 07:20:23 AM
:rofl:
Post by: Kingkeoni on October 14, 2011, 07:26:12 AM
He took it to the owner:
"How much for the bronze rat?"
"Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the story," said the owner.
The tourist gave the man twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and began following him down the street. This was very disconcerting, and he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
He began to trot towards the Ala Wai canal looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS -- and they were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the canal, and threw the bronze rat as far out into the water as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Ala Wai after it, and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "you have come back for the story?"
"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze democrat"
Post by: Growler67 on October 14, 2011, 07:32:01 AM
The third guy ducks..........
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v457/tyggrr65/Gifs/rimshot.gif)
Post by: BananaClip on October 14, 2011, 09:04:50 AM
A dog a doctor and a fireman walk into a bar...no no no shux...
One Hawaiian one japanee and one Potogi driving in one truck... no no no... wait....ah brah... nevamine alrede....
:crazy: :crazy: :crazy: :crazy:
Post by: Cougar8045 on October 14, 2011, 11:22:51 AM
A guy sits down at the bar, and says to the barkeep, "Hot out today! I'll have a tall glass of H2O, please."
His friend says, "Man, that does sound like a good idea. I'll have some H2O, too, please."
The friend did not survive.
Post by: vooduchikn on October 14, 2011, 11:31:47 AM
Little Chemistry 101 joke:
A guy sits down at the bar, and says to the barkeep, "Hot out today! I'll have a tall glass of H2O, please."
His friend says, "Man, that does sound like a good idea. I'll have some H2O, too, please."
The friend did not survive.
Har har....did the friend end up with bleached hair?
Post by: vooduchikn on October 14, 2011, 11:34:34 AM
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace.. Please accept my condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'
Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
Post by: 2aHawaii on October 14, 2011, 12:59:51 PM
Little Chemistry 101 joke:
A guy sits down at the bar, and says to the barkeep, "Hot out today! I'll have a tall glass of H2O, please."
His friend says, "Man, that does sound like a good idea. I'll have some H2O, too, please."
The friend did not survive.
I'm so sloooooow. I stared at that joke for too long.
Post by: GZire on October 14, 2011, 01:57:28 PM
Little Chemistry 101 joke:
A guy sits down at the bar, and says to the barkeep, "Hot out today! I'll have a tall glass of H2O, please."
His friend says, "Man, that does sound like a good idea. I'll have some H2O, too, please."
The friend did not survive.
I'm so sloooooow. I stared at that joke for too long.
H2O2 = hydrogen peroxide
Post by: antoinebugleboy on October 17, 2011, 03:56:08 PM
A man is hunting out in the woods. It's a cold, dark night, and he's waiting for a deer, when all of a sudden, a grizzly bear crashes through the bushes! Before the man has a chance to raise his rifle, the bear knocks it aside with his great big paw and with his other paw, knocks the man to the ground! The man is dazed and thinking he's going to die, when the bear picks him up, lays him over a rotted log, and rapes him to within an inch of his life.
Humiliated and bitter, the man makes it back to civilization and vows revenge. When he makes it out of the hospital six weeks later, he buys another rifle, in a huge caliber, and spends half his fortune in the most advanced hunting gear. He goes back out in the woods, sets all his traps, puts on his nightvision goggles, sprays himself with bear scent, loads his rifle, and-
The bear crashes through the bushes again, and sure enough, before he can raise his rifle and get off a shot, with one huge paw, he knocks the gun aside, knocks the man out with the other, and yup, lays him over a log and has his way with him, even worse than before.
The man survives this ordeal and SWEARS THIS BEAR IS GOING TO DIE BY HIS HANDS. He takes no chances. He spends the rest of his fortune and mortgages his home. He maxes out all his credit cards. He begs and borrows from his family and friends and he buys not only hunting gear, but claymores and mines and all manner of cameras and traps. He even takes the time to learn jujitsu and learns to fight blindfolded, to hone his senses so the bear can't sneak up on him again. He drives back out to the woods with all his gears and training, and, you guessed it, before he can even finish getting ready, the bear crashes through the bushes, knocks his weapon aside, bats him about the head, and lays him over a log. As the man, dazed and stunned, curses his fate, the bear says, "You don't come here to hunt, do you?"
Post by: vooduchikn on October 17, 2011, 06:35:25 PM
My favorite joke of all time:
A man is hunting out in the woods. It's a cold, dark night, and he's waiting for a deer, when all of a sudden, a grizzly bear crashes through the bushes! Before the man has a chance to raise his rifle, the bear knocks it aside with his great big paw and with his other paw, knocks the man to the ground! The man is dazed and thinking he's going to die, when the bear picks him up, lays him over a rotted log, and rapes him to within an inch of his life.
Humiliated and bitter, the man makes it back to civilization and vows revenge. When he makes it out of the hospital six weeks later, he buys another rifle, in a huge caliber, and spends half his fortune in the most advanced hunting gear. He goes back out in the woods, sets all his traps, puts on his nightvision goggles, sprays himself with bear scent, loads his rifle, and-
The bear crashes through the bushes again, and sure enough, before he can raise his rifle and get off a shot, with one huge paw, he knocks the gun aside, knocks the man out with the other, and yup, lays him over a log and has his way with him, even worse than before.
The man survives this ordeal and SWEARS THIS BEAR IS GOING TO DIE BY HIS HANDS. He takes no chances. He spends the rest of his fortune and mortgages his home. He maxes out all his credit cards. He begs and borrows from his family and friends and he buys not only hunting gear, but claymores and mines and all manner of cameras and traps. He even takes the time to learn jujitsu and learns to fight blindfolded, to hone his senses so the bear can't sneak up on him again. He drives back out to the woods with all his gears and training, and, you guessed it, before he can even finish getting ready, the bear crashes through the bushes, knocks his weapon aside, bats him about the head, and lays him over a log. As the man, dazed and stunned, curses his fate, the bear says, "You don't come here to hunt, do you?"
:wtf:
Post by: Kingkeoni on October 17, 2011, 06:48:16 PM
Post by: antoinebugleboy on October 17, 2011, 09:57:24 PM
I get the feeling Antoine is telling his hunting story and not a joke. :rofl:
I was telling you guys the story of how I met my wife!
Post by: Kingkeoni on October 17, 2011, 10:33:21 PM
I get the feeling Antoine is telling his hunting story and not a joke. :rofl:
I was telling you guys the story of how I met my wife!
So she was the hunter and you were the bear?
Or...?
Post by: antoinebugleboy on October 17, 2011, 10:45:46 PM
I get the feeling Antoine is telling his hunting story and not a joke. :rofl:
I was telling you guys the story of how I met my wife!
So she was the hunter and you were the bear?
Or...?
You didn't see her at the party? Brown hair, brown eyes, about 9' 8", 650 pounds...
Post by: antoinebugleboy on October 17, 2011, 10:49:03 PM
Post by: Kingkeoni on October 18, 2011, 12:01:52 AM
I get the feeling Antoine is telling his hunting story and not a joke. :rofl:
I was telling you guys the story of how I met my wife!
So she was the hunter and you were the bear?
Or...?
You didn't see her at the party? Brown hair, brown eyes, about 9' 8", 650 pounds...
Oh yeah, she had the hairy back.
Now I remember.
Post by: antoinebugleboy on October 18, 2011, 12:07:09 AM
I get the feeling Antoine is telling his hunting story and not a joke. :rofl:
I was telling you guys the story of how I met my wife!
So she was the hunter and you were the bear?
Or...?
You didn't see her at the party? Brown hair, brown eyes, about 9' 8", 650 pounds...
Oh yeah, she had the hairy back.
Now I remember.
I didn't have the courage to tell her that the tube top didn't look good on her. :shake:
Post by: antoinebugleboy on October 20, 2011, 12:57:43 PM
The penguin is boiling in this heat. He's from somewhere cold, you know. So he goes to the convenience store attached to the service station, and he buys an ice cream bar. He's eating it, and it cools him off some, but it's the desert, so the ice cream starts melting all of his face, his flippers, it's a big mess.
Just then, the mechanic comes out, wipes the grease off his hands on an oily rag, and says to the penguin, "Well, it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin shakes his head and says, "Aw, no man. It's just ice cream!"
Post by: 2aHawaii on October 20, 2011, 01:06:17 PM
Post by: Growler67 on October 20, 2011, 03:34:30 PM
It's an oldie but goodie :geekdanc:
Post by: vooduchikn on October 20, 2011, 03:36:27 PM
<object width="480" height="360"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/2OpuuAa7gdE?version=3&hl=en_US&rel=0"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/2OpuuAa7gdE?version=3&hl=en_US&rel=0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="480" height="360" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object>
???
Not finding the humor. UFP!
Post by: Growler67 on October 20, 2011, 03:37:44 PM
Post by: Kingkeoni on October 20, 2011, 04:05:55 PM
<object width="480" height="360"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/2OpuuAa7gdE?version=3&hl=en_US&rel=0"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/2OpuuAa7gdE?version=3&hl=en_US&rel=0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="480" height="360" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object>
???
Not finding the humor. UFP!
Hahaha, :rofl: oh man, that is the funniest joke ever. :rofl:
Post by: antoinebugleboy on October 20, 2011, 04:06:41 PM
Fixed it.......
2A's got this site set up so all you have to do is include the url of the youtube video and it'll post the video inline. No need to bother with all the extra coding.
Post by: antoinebugleboy on October 20, 2011, 04:07:59 PM
Post by: GZire on October 21, 2011, 08:41:32 AM
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
Post by: 230RN on October 27, 2011, 10:51:35 PM
Next night he hears the same noises, so he tiptoes out, tiptoes down to her room and peeps in the keyhole. He again sees her nude, rubbing herself up and down and swaying seductively and hears her going, "Oh, oh, I want a man, I nee-eed a man!" and tiptoes back into his room.
Next night he hears different noises, so he again goes to her room and this time he sees her hugging and kissing a man.
He runs back to his room, strips off his pajamas, stands in front of his mirror and rubs himself up and down, swaying just like he saw his mother, and goes, "Oh, oh, I want a bicycle, I nee-eed a bicycle!"
Post by: sirkaiks on October 28, 2011, 06:37:04 AM
Boy hears Mom, recently divorced, making noises in her bedroom. So he tiptoes out of his room, tiptoes down to her room, and peeps in the keyhole. He sees her standing in front of her mirror, completely nude, going "Oh, oh, I want a man, I nee-eed a man!" as she runs her hands up and down her body and sways seductively.:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Next night he hears the same noises, so he tiptoes out, tiptoes down to her room and peeps in the keyhole. He again sees her nude, rubbing herself up and down and swaying seductively and hears her going, "Oh, oh, I want a man, I nee-eed a man!" and tiptoes back into his room.
Next night he hears different noises, so he again goes to her room and this time he sees her hugging and kissing a man.
He runs back to his room, strips off his pajamas, stands in front of his mirror and rubs himself up and down, swaying just like he saw his mother, and goes, "Oh, oh, I want a bicycle, I nee-eed a bicycle!"
Post by: 230RN on November 23, 2011, 03:42:30 PM
As he entered the bedroom, the eastern sunlight streaming through the castle's windows illuminated the old gentleman's infrequent erection poking up through the blankets.
"Oh, very good, Sir," he said, noticing the old man's rare arousal. "Shall I notify Her Ladyship to come in?"
"No, no, Jeeves. Just hand me my baggy tweeds. I shall smuggle this one into town."
Post by: Mr. Farknocker on December 02, 2011, 01:55:29 PM
Story from a Kansas State Highway Patrol Officer
I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan , KS. I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance. The lady took out the required information and handed it to me. I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see that she was carrying a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and asked her if she had a weapon in her possession at this time. She responded that she indeed had a .45 semi-automatic in her glove box. Something about her body language or the way she responded made me want to ask if she had any other firearms. She admitted to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. I had to ask one more time if that was all the firearms she had in possession and she responded once again that she did have just one more-- a .357 Magnum in her purse. I then asked her what was she so afraid of.
She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a f---- thing!"
Seniors - Don't mess with them. They didn't get old by being stupid.
Post by: BananaClip on December 02, 2011, 04:09:53 PM
A Hawaiian guy named Kimo pulled up next to Mano with a '69 Mustang REVVING his motor really loud...
Kimo looked at Mano and kept REVVING and REVVING his motor...
Kimo finally yelled out at Mano saying "WHAT!!!................RACE?!?!?"
Mano, yelled back in arrogant confidence saying .......... "POTOGI......!!" ;)
Post by: clshade on December 03, 2011, 12:28:23 AM
Determined to see it all he even wandered into the part of town he was told was too dangerous for a priest. There he witnessed drunkenness, drugs and all manner of wickedness.
At one point a prostitute came on to him and said "Hey, you wanna blow job? I've never given a blow job to a man of the cloth before."
'Why thank you, but what is a 'blow job'?" the pious Father asked.
"$20"
He thanked her for her kind offer but turned her down, thoroughly confused.
On his way back to his monastery that evening he stopped by the Abbey and asked to see the wise and worldly head Abbess.
"Mother, I walked among the lay people today and am most unsettled by what I experienced. What" he asked her " is a 'blow job'?"
"$20. Same as in town."
--------------------------------------
The fun part is that I was actually told that joke by a priest. :rofl:
Post by: Inspector on December 03, 2011, 07:50:50 AM
Cinderella is now 90 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince,
She happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch
With a cat named Bob for companionship.
One afternoon out of nowhere appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" "Cinderella," she replied, "You have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed and, after some thoughtful consideration, She uttered her first wish...
"The prince was wonderful but he was not a very good investor. I am living
Hand-to-mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I was quite wealthy.
And, almost instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, "Oh, thank you, fairy godmother!"
"Well, it's the least I can do. What is your second wish?"
Cinderella looked at her frail body and said, "I wish that I
Was young again with the beauty and youth I once had."
Her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful appearance returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
Then the fairy godmother said, "You have one more wish... What is it?"
Cinderella looked over at the frightened cat in the corner and said...
"I would like to have Bob, my old cat, transformed into a kind and
Handsome young man."
Almost magically, the cat underwent a fundamental a change in his Biological make-up and, when he stood before her, he was a man so Handsome, the likes of him that she had never seen.
The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella!
Enjoy your new life."
And then, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
The fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Bob gazed into each
other's eyes.
Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most handsome and
Stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair,
And he held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing into her golden hair with his warm breath,
As he quietly whispered...
"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!"
Post by: vooduchikn on December 05, 2011, 10:56:17 AM
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time
we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in
approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs
for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say
something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year
old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom,
I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen
floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with
his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every
step.. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can
stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and
asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast
, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass
it won't be Cheerios!"
Post by: hvybarrels on December 06, 2011, 08:32:03 PM
http://gawker.com/5865800/dipshit-robs-wal+mart-on-shop-with-a-cop-day (http://gawker.com/5865800/dipshit-robs-wal+mart-on-shop-with-a-cop-day)
Dipshit Robs Wal-Mart on ‘Shop with a Cop’ Day
TrendAlertWatch! Criminals are stupider than ever. Hot on the heels of the Anthony Miranda affair — the guy who tried to hold up a UFC fighter and wound up with a face like a turnip and a hole in his leg — comes the tale of marauding brainiac Timothy Randall Clark, who chose to shoplift at a Maryland Wal-Mart during their annual "Shop with a Cop" Day. ("Shop with a Cop" Day is a community program that brings law enforcement and needy children together for a fun afternoon of shopping and gun-cleaning demonstrations. Or something like that. I don't know! This is America.)
Loss prevention officers at the Wal-Mart on Acton Lane saw a man in a back room cutting open packages of video games and game accessories and stuffing them inside his clothes. As the suspect walked towards the door, Charles County officers in the store were alerted and grabbed the suspect in the parking lot.
Clark had on his person 26 PlayStation and Xbox games, two controllers, and various other video game accessories tucked inside his pants and sweatshirt. He was arrested immediately, strung up, and turned into a human pinata to the delight of a small horde of baseball-bat-wielding youngsters in need. I do declare this to be another "Shop with a Cop" Day success! Yay!
Post by: 230RN on December 08, 2011, 02:43:38 AM
Terry,230RN
REF:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Onion (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Onion)
Post by: Kingkeoni on December 08, 2011, 07:31:34 AM
He proceeds to take off his pants and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your pants."
He says, "That's right, and don't you forget it. I wear the pants in this family."
The bride then takes off her panties and says, "Try those on."
He looks at the little panties and replies, "I can't get into your panties."
She answers, "And you never will if you don't change that attitude."
Post by: Kingkeoni on December 08, 2011, 07:36:47 AM
He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.
She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.
The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!".
So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well.
Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
Post by: sirkaiks on December 08, 2011, 09:53:25 AM
Post by: Heavies on December 09, 2011, 04:13:00 AM
So that how to do it!
:rofl: :rofl:
Post by: Inspector on December 09, 2011, 06:08:03 AM
http://www.humorsziget.hu/post?p_id=7730 (http://www.humorsziget.hu/post?p_id=7730)
Post by: Kingkeoni on December 09, 2011, 07:31:09 AM
His wife and kids didn't even say good morning to him.
So, he left for work in a huff.
His receptionist, Joanna, said happy birthday.
"Thanks, Joanna. That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me all day." Bill relied, pleased.
So he worked until his lunch break, when Joanna asked if he fancied a lunch.
Instead of taking their usual lunch just outside, they went to a big beautiful bistro.
" My apartment is just around the corner. Would you like to visit?" Joanna asked.
"Sure, why not?" Bill replied. At her apartment, Bill sat down on the couch.
Joanna said she'd be right back and stepped into the bedroom.
Minutes later, she came back out followed by Bills family, friends, and co-workers. "Surprise!",
.Bill just sat there... naked.
Post by: antoinebugleboy on December 09, 2011, 08:27:51 AM
Post by: Kingkeoni on December 09, 2011, 06:47:20 PM
"I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?"
"I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied.
"Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six."
Post by: BananaClip on December 09, 2011, 09:17:54 PM
A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a rocking chair on his porch.:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
"I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?"
"I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied.
"Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six."
Funny and depressing at the same time :crazy:
Post by: Mr. Farknocker on December 12, 2011, 04:07:52 PM
[attachment deleted by admin]
Post by: kala201 on December 18, 2011, 08:46:33 PM
Doberman!
Post by: kala201 on December 18, 2011, 08:55:37 PM
"Ho, ho, ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver all the presents you know," Santa replied as he placed the presents under the tree. So the hot chick took off her bra exposing her perfect tits. "Are you sure you can't stay and have some fun," she asked seductively.
"Ho, ho, ho gotta go, gotta go gotta deliver all the presents you know," Santa replied as he placed the toys in the children's stockings. So the sexy women removed her lace thong and said, "Are you sure you can't stay and have some fun?"
Seeing this Santa turned and said "Hey, hey, hey gotta stay, gotta stay I can't go up the chimney with my dick this way!"
Post by: GZire on December 19, 2011, 11:02:24 AM
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"
The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"
Post by: Dregs on December 21, 2011, 10:52:10 AM
One year Santa came down the chimney to deliver presents to this one house. He was greeted by a super hot woman dressed in nothing but her sexiest lingerie. "Can't you stay and have some fun," she asked.
"Ho, ho, ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver all the presents you know," Santa replied as he placed the presents under the tree. So the hot chick took off her bra exposing her perfect tits. "Are you sure you can't stay and have some fun," she asked seductively.
"Ho, ho, ho gotta go, gotta go gotta deliver all the presents you know," Santa replied as he placed the toys in the children's stockings. So the sexy women removed her lace thong and said, "Are you sure you can't stay and have some fun?"
Seeing this Santa turned and said "Hey, hey, hey gotta stay, gotta stay I can't go up the chimney with my dick this way!"
This had me loling. Thanks :rofl:
Post by: Echo5Alpha on January 01, 2012, 11:11:24 PM
What do you call a filipino walking 5 dogs? A Rancher
Post by: Inspector on January 02, 2012, 08:24:29 AM
The next evening when the father arrived home after work, he found his little girl sitting on the doorstep, crying. "What's wrong, honey?" he asked.
"Remember how you planted me a baby sister last night?" she said sobbing. "Well, when the mailman was here today, he ate her."
Post by: 2aHawaii on January 05, 2012, 10:09:42 AM
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own.. so does she..
Post by: Dregs on January 05, 2012, 05:02:45 PM
The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge... Show him your badge!!"
Post by: Cougar8045 on January 05, 2012, 06:16:51 PM
Post by: Jkeone808 on January 07, 2012, 03:04:05 AM
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher.. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge... Show him your badge!!"
Hahaha
Post by: kala201 on January 07, 2012, 12:12:40 PM
Thanks my bruddah I haven't laughed that hard in awhile. I run into those kinds of people everyday at work.
Post by: 230RN on January 16, 2012, 04:14:57 AM
-------------------
Lighten Up!!!
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
--------------------
I'm not signing this one so nobody will know who posted it.
Post by: Kingkeoni on January 16, 2012, 06:34:40 AM
They seem to have the perfect relationship when out of the blue she breaks up with him.
He tries to call her and she won't even return his calls.
The guy doesn't understand so he drives over to her house to wait for her so they can talk.
As he's sitting there waiting for her, she gets dropped off by another guy.
The girl and guy #2 give each other a passionate kiss and guy #2 starts to walk back to his car.
Well boyfriend #1 is just amazed.
He walks up to guy #2 and says "Hey, what are you doing kissing my girlfriend?"
Guy #2 tells him, "Sorry, but she's my girlfriend now."
Boyfriend#1 is just plain confused, he says "I don't understand, why would she leave me for you?"
Guy #2 says, "Let me explain. After you take a leak, do you shake your penis?"
Boyfriend #1 says, "Yes of course"
Guy #2 says, "Well I kick mine"
Post by: Inspector on January 25, 2012, 12:27:24 PM
To show our solidarity as Americans, let's all get together and show each other our support for the candidate of our choice. It's time that we come together, Democrats and Republicans alike. If you support the policies and character of the Republican party, please drive with your headlights on during the day. If you support Obama, please drive with your headlights off at night.
Post by: 230RN on January 27, 2012, 09:02:55 AM
It's the first day of school for the new FIrst-Graders, and the teacher
is asking them what they did over the summer after Kindergarten last
year.
"Suzy, what did you do?"
Suzy answers, a little sheepishly, "Um, we went to visit my Nanna
in the country."
"Very good, Suzy. But we're not in Kindergarten any more and we
should use more grown-up words. You should say 'Grandmother,'
not 'Nanna,' okay?"
Little Johnny is listening to this with great interest.
"And Judy, what did you do over the summer?"
"Oh, we had so much fun! We took a long ride on a choo-choo!"
"Very nice, Judy, but we're getting more grown-up now, so let's
say 'train' from now on instead of 'choo-choo.'"
Johnny finally "gets" what's going on about using grown-up words.
"And Johnny, what did you do over the summer?"
And Johnny answers, "Mommy and I read a book together."
"Oh, very, very good, Johnny! What was the name of the book
you read?"
And Johnny, puffed with pride that he understands what the teacher
wants, answers loudly, "Winnie The Shit."
Terry, 230RN
Post by: Kingkeoni on January 27, 2012, 09:13:56 AM
They are bored and decide to show each other their pee pees.
They go behind the building and the Japanee takes out his pee pee and the others look and go "ooh."
Then the Hawaiian takes out his pee pee and the others go, "ooh."
Finally the Portagee takes out his pee pee and the others say "Wow, thats the biggest pee pee of all the 4th graders, its probably because you're Portuguese."
The portage 4th grader is all proud and after school he runs home and tells his Mom, "Mommy, Mommy, the kids in school say I have the biggest pee pee of all the 4th graders, is it because I'm Portuguese?"
The Mom says, "No son, it's because you're 26 years old."
Post by: vooduchikn on January 27, 2012, 10:32:45 AM
Post by: Cougar8045 on January 27, 2012, 08:25:28 PM
(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/demotivational-posters-no-matter-who-shoots-first1.jpg)
Post by: DonRow on January 27, 2012, 08:44:32 PM
Post by: Cougar8045 on January 27, 2012, 09:53:19 PM
Post by: crazyazzmofo on January 27, 2012, 10:05:13 PM
a cocky bodybuilder guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a hot woman. he has a few drinks and asks the woman if she would like a drink too. she agrees and they start having a conversation. after a few hours of talking and many drinks the guy asks the woman if she wants to go to his apartment. in her drunken state of mind she agrees.
they go to his apartment and start making out. he sits her on the bed and says "i'm gonna give you a show". he takes his shirt off, flexes and says "BOOM!"
the woman a little shocked says "whoa what was that?"
he says "thats a 1000lbs of dynamite!" she gets a little turned on.
he takes off his pants, flexes and says "BOOM!"
she asks "whats that?"
he says "thats another 1000lbs of dynamite baby!" she gets more turned on.
he takes off his boxers and the woman grabs her purse and runs for the door. he chases her and catches her at the door and says "whats wrong baby?"
she turns around deathly afraid and says "with all that dynamite and that SHORT LITTLE FUSE...i thought we were gonna blow up and die!!!"
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Post by: DonRow on January 28, 2012, 11:51:11 AM
(http://img.tapatalk.com/465f4c7b-6dcd-619f.jpg)
Post by: DonRow on January 28, 2012, 11:51:47 AM
Post by: 230RN on January 28, 2012, 04:45:56 PM
Quote
EAT HERE, DIET HOME !
Post by: BananaClip on January 28, 2012, 06:29:28 PM
[attachment deleted by admin]
Post by: Cougar8045 on January 28, 2012, 08:38:10 PM
Brain Wash The Children First...... :shake:The real joke is that those dipsh!ts actually think they're doing something constructive to lower the crime rate.
Post by: BananaClip on January 29, 2012, 06:10:40 PM
They really have these...Talk about "ruin my joke"
:o
[attachment deleted by admin]
Post by: 230RN on January 30, 2012, 04:15:59 AM
I don't know it anyone ever mentioned to her that the cells were for charging it, not running it, 'cause I quit reading her column after that.
It could've been Ann Landers, though.
Terry, 230RN
REF:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marilyn_vos_Savant (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marilyn_vos_Savant)
Post by: Cougar8045 on January 31, 2012, 03:38:07 PM
Hihoney.Thespacebarisbrokenonmyphone.Whenyoucomehomecanyoulookatitandmaybegivemeanalternative?
Pretty excited to get home. Still, I can't help but wonder, what the hell does "ternative" mean?
Post by: vooduchikn on January 31, 2012, 04:40:03 PM
My girlfriend texted me today, saying:haha
Hihoney.Thespacebarisbrokenonmyphone.Whenyoucomehomecanyoulookatitandmaybegivemeanalternative?
Pretty excited to get home. Still, I can't help but wonder, what the hell does "ternative" mean?
Post by: tonsofguns on January 31, 2012, 10:13:38 PM
Post by: Cougar8045 on January 31, 2012, 10:21:29 PM
Damn Coug, between this post and that militia post, I'm on the floor laughing!Haha, glad you liked them. I saw the "ternative" joke on the internet today and I thoroughly enjoyed it, as well!
Post by: 230RN on February 01, 2012, 04:44:24 AM
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."
Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.
There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but they asked me to leave after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.
The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.
Post by: Cougar8045 on February 01, 2012, 05:26:03 AM
Post by: Kingkeoni on February 01, 2012, 08:01:15 AM
Post by: Kingkeoni on February 01, 2012, 08:05:30 AM
My ex wife moved to the mainland.
She's kind of eccentric and bought one of those pot belly pigs.
She walks this pig like it's a dog.
She likes the damn thing so much that she takes it everywhere.
One day she took it into a supermarket and the manager walked up and said "excuse me, no dogs allowed."
She smugly replied, "This is not a dog, it's a pig."
The manager said, " I know, I was talking to the pig."
Post by: antoinebugleboy on February 01, 2012, 01:55:22 PM
Post by: kala201 on February 01, 2012, 06:06:51 PM
My apprentice at work was showing me this the other day. I couldn't stop laughing.
Post by: 230RN on February 02, 2012, 01:22:45 AM
(http://www.loesch.org/~arviel/hysterical.gif)
Post by: GZire on February 06, 2012, 03:30:13 PM
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a Baseball Bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as
she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them
stay in our bedroom. Hope you said Hello to them.."
Post by: Cougar8045 on February 07, 2012, 09:20:30 PM
(http://chzjustcapshunz.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/funny-captions-the-hunter.jpg)
Post by: DonRow on February 07, 2012, 10:02:27 PM
Post by: Cougar8045 on February 07, 2012, 10:22:55 PM
Post by: GZire on February 08, 2012, 07:24:55 AM
(http://img.tapatalk.com/465f4c7b-2be1-41fb.jpg)
I thought it was going to be" "Female tries to park boat"
Post by: Jkeone808 on February 08, 2012, 10:26:25 PM
I thought it was going to be" "Female tries to park boat"
Haha that's exactly what I thought when I read the first line.
Post by: DonRow on February 09, 2012, 12:53:53 PM
Post by: kala201 on February 09, 2012, 04:36:59 PM
[attachment deleted by admin]
Post by: kala201 on February 09, 2012, 04:41:29 PM
Post by: kala201 on February 09, 2012, 04:52:15 PM
Post by: kala201 on February 09, 2012, 04:56:32 PM
Post by: 230RN on February 09, 2012, 09:03:12 PM
Post by: Cougar8045 on February 12, 2012, 08:06:10 PM
Post by: Cougar8045 on February 12, 2012, 09:50:58 PM
(http://chzjustcapshunz.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/funny-captions-people-think-im-mad-but-i-think-im-prepared.jpg)
Post by: GZire on February 13, 2012, 07:54:02 AM
The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai.He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Scotland.He told her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he pees.
Post by: Mr. Farknocker on February 16, 2012, 07:01:13 PM
10. You can trade and old 44 for a new 22.
9. You can keep one gun at home and have another one for when you are on the road.
8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for back up.
6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason why men prefer guns over women....
1. You can buy a silencer for a gun.
Post by: Mr. Farknocker on February 16, 2012, 07:28:50 PM
Mr. Farknocker's Top Ten Reasons Why Women Prefer Guns to Men
10. Real guns don't shoot blanks.
9. Gun barrels never soften over time.
8. A gun will only shoot when you want it to.
7. A fully loaded gun still maintains its aim.
6. Guns don't misfire.
5. A gun can fire 15 times and as fast or slow as you want it to.
4. Guns don't smell bad when they haven't been cleaned
3. You can always play with two guns at the same time if you want to.
2. The grips never expand over time.
And the number one reason why women prefer guns to men......
1. Guns appreciate in value over time.
Post by: 230RN on February 18, 2012, 06:42:42 AM
Quote
Mr. Farknkocker
Full Member
Posts: 116
Referrals: 0
Quote
Mr. Farknocker's Top Ten Reasons Why Women Prefer Guns to Men
Say, how do you pronounce that anyway?
Mr. "Fark-en-kocker" or Mr. "Fark-nocker?"
Jes' wonderin'.
Post by: wirecounter on February 18, 2012, 10:42:52 AM
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 118 lbs., known to vary from 110 to 550 lbs.
OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities throughout the world.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1. Surface usually covered with a painted film
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason
3. Melts if given special treatment
4. Bitter if incorrectly used
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to
common crude
6. Yields to pressure applied to correct points
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and
precious stones
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for
no known reason
4. Insoluble in liquids but activity is greatly increased
by saturation in alcohol
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man
COMMON USES
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2. Can be great aid to relaxation
TESTS
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in
natural state
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen
HAZARDS
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2. Illegal to possess more than one
Post by: Mr. Farknocker on February 18, 2012, 11:02:15 AM
Say, how do you pronounce that anyway?
Mr. "Fark-en-kocker" or Mr. "Fark-nocker?"
Jes' wonderin'.
I screwed up on the registration. It's supposed to be "Farknocker"
Post by: 230RN on February 18, 2012, 12:28:38 PM
Give me time, I'm only on my fourth childhood.
Post by: Mr. Farknocker on February 18, 2012, 12:36:21 PM
Post by: wirecounter on February 18, 2012, 12:37:24 PM
humor of the slopes as written in this account by a New Orleans
newspaper.
A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with
the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart.
Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic
numbness all over. The "Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.
One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she
was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that
he was sure there was relief at the top of the lift in the form
of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong,
of course, and the pain did not go away.
If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you
know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters.
So with time running out, she weighed her options.
Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that
since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off
in the woods. No one would ever notice, he assured her. The white
will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the
tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've
ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right
way and a wrong way to set your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got
it. She had the skis positioned the wrong way.
Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments.
Without any warning, the woman found herself skiing backwards, out of
control racing throught the trees, somehow missing all of them, and on
to the slopes. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her
pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while
she continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual
sight for the other skiers.
The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift,
and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that
she broke her arm and was unable to pull up the ski pants. At long
last her husband arrived, put an end to her nude show, then went to
the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported
her to a hospital.
In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with a broken leg
was put in the bed next to hers.
"So, how'd you break your leg?" She asked, making small talk.
"It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up
this ski lift and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was
this crazy woman skiing backwards out of control down the mountain
with her bare bottom hanging out."
"I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize
how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift."
"So, how'd you break your arm?"
Post by: 230RN on February 19, 2012, 07:38:22 AM
<runs and hides... again>
(http://www.loesch.org/~arviel/cave.gif)
(You see a lot of that around here very soon after the slopes open.)
Terry, 230RN
Post by: DonRow on February 19, 2012, 12:57:09 PM
(http://img.tapatalk.com/aefdc5fe-7e2e-e6d3.jpg)(http://img.tapatalk.com/aefdc5fe-7e43-2ce2.jpg)
Post by: Cougar8045 on February 20, 2012, 12:15:50 AM
Post by: DonRow on February 20, 2012, 06:14:28 AM
Post by: 230RN on February 22, 2012, 12:33:55 AM
"911, What is your emergency?"
"I just accidentally shot my buddy and I think he's dead! What do I do now?"
"First, make sure he's really dead."
<pause>
BANG!
"Okay, he's dead, now what do I do?"
Post by: DonRow on February 23, 2012, 06:39:10 AM
Post by: wirecounter on February 23, 2012, 09:46:03 AM
cop walks up and says, "You were doing eighty-five in a fifty-five."
The guy says, "You know, officer, I was doing sixty the whole time,
and then the last few minutes, I guess I was just keeping up with
traffic and I wasn't watching..." His wife says, "That's not true.
You were doing eighty-five or ninety the whole time." He turns to
her and says, "Will you shut up?"
The cop says, "And I noticed you haven't got your seat belt buckled."
He says, "Well, officer, I did have it buckled, but then I had to
undo it to get my wallet out to show you my license." His wife says,
"That's not true. You haven't had it on the whole time." He turns
to her and says, "What the hell is wrong with you? Shut your trap."
The cop walks around to the wife's side and motions for her to roll
down the window. He says, "Does he always talk to you like that?"
She says, "Only when he's drunk."
Post by: Dblnaknak on February 23, 2012, 11:05:59 AM
Exercises commence and there is a soldier hiding in some shrubs as part of an ambush. Soon after he identifies an enemy soldier headed towards him. The soldier stands up and says "BANGIDY BANG" The on-comming soldier drops like he has just been shot.
About 20 min later the soldier identifies another enemy soldier headed his way. He immediately stands up points his weapon and Yells "BANGIDY BANG". The enemy soldier drops.
About 30 min later the soldier identifies a third enemy soldier headed his way. The soldier stands up from his ambush spot and yells "BANGIDY BANG" Nothing happens, the enemy soldier is still headed his way. The Soldier stands up again and yells louder, "BANGIDY BANG!. Still nothing happens and the enemy soldier is still marching his way. By this time the enemy soldier is right up on him and the soldier stands up and yells at the top of his lungs "BANGIDY BANG, BANGIDY BANG... The enemy soldier then pushes the soldier onto his back and stomps on him saying "TANKIDY TANK, TANKIDY TANK"...
Post by: wirecounter on February 23, 2012, 09:36:49 PM
sitting on the curb holding a jar of clear liquid. Curious, the
priest sits next to the boy and asks, "what's in the jar?" The
boy responds, "this is turpentine, the most powerful liquid in
the world." The priest, amused, reaches into his pocket and
pulls out a vial of liquid and replies, "no, my son, this is
holy-water, the most powerful liquid in the world. Why, you can
rub this on a pregnant woman's belly and she'll pass a baby."
The young boy ponders this for only a second when he counters,
while shaking the jar, "heck, if you rub THIS on a cat's butt
it'll pass a motorcycle."
Post by: Inspector on February 24, 2012, 12:07:54 PM
A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky .
Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force.
By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone.
They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened.
They hurried over to the man's tractor.
"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine.
"Do you realize that is Air Force One the airplane of the President of the United States ?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?"
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."
"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked.
"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... But you know how bad that sumbitch lies.
Post by: DonRow on February 25, 2012, 02:24:31 PM
Post by: 230RN on February 27, 2012, 10:16:36 AM
Satisfied that his flock was cowering in abject fear, he shouted his conclusion, "So would you risk an eternity in Hell JUST FOR THE SAKE OF AN HOUR'S WORTH OF PLEASURE?"
And the Amens and Hallelujahs filled the church after this, his personal best. As usual, he went to the Church entrance to greet the Congregation as they filed out....
"Great Sermon, Pastor," they said as they shook his hand on leaving, and "Oh, how inspiring that Sermon was," and other congratulatory words.
But one very pretty young lady hung back a little, and was the last one out of the church. She shook the Pastor's hand gently and said quietly, "That was a very good Sermon, Pastor, but I have one question."
"Yes, my child, what is it?"
She blushed sweetly and replied shyly, "H- how do you make it last a whole hour?"
Post by: wirecounter on February 27, 2012, 01:47:07 PM
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn't:
1. Think you can get me off?
Post by: SpeedTek on February 27, 2012, 10:03:53 PM
They both make BIG promises and come short on delivery!
Post by: 230RN on March 06, 2012, 08:55:53 AM
Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with queenly large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by both the King and Queen as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.
Post by: DonRow on March 06, 2012, 12:16:25 PM
George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available" George said,
"Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(True Story)
I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people.
REMEMBER, GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
Post by: wirecounter on March 06, 2012, 04:59:14 PM
Post by: Heavies on March 06, 2012, 05:57:57 PM
Good for that guy! I hope they didn't charge him with making a false report. If this were here I'd bet they throw him in jail too. Sad.
Post by: TeamSDSHawaii on March 08, 2012, 01:30:45 AM
i 've been drinking....
But; Knock, Knock,....
Who's dea?
Potagee burglah! 8)
Post by: TeamSDSHawaii on March 08, 2012, 01:37:25 AM
Whach call a old lady who likes young guys? .... A Cougar!
Whach call a old man who likes youngs boys?.... A Nittney Lion!
Look it up,,,, Muuuaaahhhahahhhaaaaa.......
Post by: TeamSDSHawaii on March 08, 2012, 01:39:50 AM
Post by: 230RN on March 10, 2012, 10:46:08 PM
Very subtle... very good. :)
Post by: DonRow on March 14, 2012, 05:47:17 PM
Post by: 230RN on March 16, 2012, 01:24:59 AM
I'm sorry I didn't camouflage my rifle, so it's pretty obvious. Otherwise, not bad, eh?
(http://www.turbophoto.com/Free-Stock-Images/Images/Woods%20Scene%20in%20Fall%20(1).jpg)
Terry, 230RN
(Pic credit in properties.)
Post by: GZire on March 16, 2012, 02:56:27 PM
Post by: Dregs on March 16, 2012, 10:26:10 PM
Me in my camouflage outfit up by Nederland CO.
I'm sorry I didn't camouflage my rifle, so it's pretty obvious. Otherwise, not bad, eh?
(http://www.turbophoto.com/Free-Stock-Images/Images/Woods%20Scene%20in%20Fall%20(1).jpg)
Terry, 230RN
(Pic credit in properties.)
Trying to find you in this pic gives me a worse headache than those megatouch machines in bars where you have to find the difference between two pictures. /can'tfindyou
Post by: Kingkeoni on March 17, 2012, 12:44:33 AM
Trying to find you in this pic gives me a worse headache than those megatouch machines in bars where you have to find the difference between two pictures. /can'tfindyou
Hahahahaha, that's why this is posted in the jokes section. :rofl:
Post by: 230RN on March 17, 2012, 08:22:11 AM
Here's me in my urban camouflage.
(http://arviel.loesch.org/stoop.jpg)
That's my Dalmation, Harry, sitting next to me on the fifth step, but it's hard to camo his tongue for when he licks his nose, so it's pretty obvious in this shot. Sorry. It was a hot day.
If I really want to sneak around unnoticed, though, I wear my Cape of Invisibility:
(http://arviel.loesch.org/cloak2.JPG)
Terry, 230RN
Post by: DonRow on March 17, 2012, 01:35:20 PM
Oh, did I put it in the wrong thread? I thought I put it in the strategies and tactics section. Dayam!damn your good. :)
Here's me in my urban camouflage.
(http://arviel.loesch.org/stoop.jpg)
That's my Dalmation, Harry, sitting next to me on the fifth step, but it's hard to camo his tongue for when he licks his nose, so it's pretty obvious in this shot. Sorry. It was a hot day.
If I really want to sneak around unnoticed, though, I wear my Cape of Invisibility:
(http://arviel.loesch.org/cloak2.JPG)
Terry, 230RN
Post by: Dregs on March 17, 2012, 02:30:48 PM
Post by: Inspector on March 23, 2012, 05:47:13 AM
Dumb Girl Cannot Explain Miles Per Hour (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lbknxk-GuF0#)
Post by: wirecounter on March 23, 2012, 08:49:43 AM
Blonde explains miles per hour:
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Post by: Jkeone808 on March 23, 2012, 10:22:04 AM
Blonde explains miles per hour:My god :rofl:
Post by: Kingkeoni on March 23, 2012, 10:48:46 AM
Blonde explains miles per hour:
All my life I've been searching for a woman that dumb.
Post by: 230RN on March 24, 2012, 12:50:50 AM
Post by: Inspector on March 24, 2012, 06:57:04 AM
She must be AWFULLY good in the um... kitchen.Aw come on! Say it already! We all know what your thinking! :rofl:
Post by: Inspector on March 24, 2012, 07:01:50 AM
Post by: 230RN on March 26, 2012, 10:41:09 PM
Since I got my high speed connection and can look at videos, I've been seeing a lot of stuff that looks prearranged.
Especially of late, I tend not to trust any really way-out photos. I remember seeing that one of the iceberg and thinking that that photograph was impossible. Turned out it was a fake, a composite of several photos blended together for dramatic effect and the BS description of the circumstances surrounding the photo was a pack of lies:
http://www.snopes.com/photos/natural/iceberg.asp (http://www.snopes.com/photos/natural/iceberg.asp)
(I use that iceberg photo as my personal "classic example" of photophraud. Others abound.)
<off-topic ramble>
I remember seeing a pair of photos (ETA: see below) with Stalin and a soon-to-be purged official (STBPO) standing next to him, and after the purge, photo experts removed the STBPO image from the photo and expertly replaced it with the choppy water that was the background of the original. And that was in the days of chemical photography retouching, where you had to scrape emulsions off the image with a little scalpel and use delicate inked brushes to retouch pictures.
I used to do that in a minor way when I did weddding photography a looooong time ago --it's not that hard to remove a lamp from behind the bride's head if there was a plain wall behind her. I did the processing, and a buddy-partner did the photography and I got sick of him saying, when something was wrong with a pic, "Well, you can take it out in the enlarging."
</off-topic ramble>
Terry, 230RN
REF/ETA (from a quick search... as I say, examples abound:
http://www.oddee.com/item_96803.aspx (http://www.oddee.com/item_96803.aspx)
And I found the Stalin pics I mentioned:
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/9/91/Voroshilov%2C_Molotov%2C_Stalin%2C_with_Nikolai_Yezhov.jpg (http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/9/91/Voroshilov%2C_Molotov%2C_Stalin%2C_with_Nikolai_Yezhov.jpg)
Compare:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:The_Commissar_Vanishes_2.jpg (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:The_Commissar_Vanishes_2.jpg)
Post by: Kingkeoni on March 26, 2012, 11:19:08 PM
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'.
Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his Mom.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds,
''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''
Post by: 230RN on March 29, 2012, 03:25:26 AM
Post by: SpeedTek on April 01, 2012, 04:42:00 PM
Today we have Barack Obama, NO Jobs, NO Cash & NO Hope!
Post by: Cougar8045 on April 01, 2012, 10:05:50 PM
25 years ago we had Ronald Reagan, Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash & Bob Hope.(http://www.blogcdn.com/blog.moviefone.com/media/2011/02/kevin-bacon-180-022311.jpg)
Today we have Barack Obama, NO Jobs, NO Cash & NO Hope!
PLEASE DON'T DIE!!!
Post by: Dregs on April 04, 2012, 10:19:25 PM
Post by: Mr. Farknocker on April 05, 2012, 01:39:38 PM
(I can't vouch for the source of the info which appears at the bottom)
1. Of course I look familiar. I was here just last week cleaning your
carpets, painting your shutters, or delivering your new refrigerator.
2. Hey, thanks for letting me use the bathroom when I was working in your
yard last week. While I was in there, I unlatched the back window to make my
return a little easier.
3. Love those flowers. That tells me you have taste... and
taste means there are nice things inside. Those yard toys your kids leave
out always make me wonder what type of gaming system they have.
4. Yes, I really do look for newspapers piled up on the driveway. And I
might leave a pizza flyer in your front door to see how long it takes you to
remove it..
5. If it snows while you're out of town, get a neighbor to create car and
foot tracks into the house.. Virgin drifts in the driveway are a dead
giveaway.
6. If decorative glass is part of your front entrance, don't let your alarm
company install the control pad where I can see if it's set. That makes it
too easy.
7. A good security company alarms the window over the sink. And the windows
on the second floor, which often access the master bedroom - and your
jewelry. It's not a bad idea to put motion detectors up there too.
8. It's raining, you're fumbling with your umbrella, and you forget to lock
your door - understandable. But understand this: I don't take a day off
because of bad weather.
9. I always knock first. If you answer, I'll ask for directions somewhere or
offer to clean your gutters. (Don't take me up on it.)
10. Do you really think I won't look in your sock drawer? I always check
dresser drawers, the bedside table, and the medicine cabinet.
11. Here's a helpful hint: I almost never go into kids' rooms.
12. You're right: I won't have enough time to break into that safe where you
keep your valuables. But if it's not bolted down, I'll take it with me.
13. A loud TV or radio can be a better deterrent than the
best alarm system. If you're reluctant to leave your TV on while you're out
of town, you can buy a $35 device that works on a timer and simulates the
flickering glow of a real television. (Find it athttp://www.faketv/.com/
<http://www.faketv/.com/> )
MORE THINGS A BURGLAR WON'T TELL YOU:
1. Sometimes, I carry a clipboard. Sometimes, I dress like a lawn guy and
carry a rake. I do my best to never, ever look like a crook.
2. The two things I hate most: loud dogs and nosy neighbors.
3. I'll break a window to get in, even if it makes a little noise. If your
neighbor hears one loud sound, he'll stop what he's doing and wait to hear
it again. If he doesn't hear it again, he'll just go back to what he was
doing. It's human nature.
4. I'm not complaining, but why
would you pay all that money for a fancy alarm system and leave your house
without setting it?
5. I love looking in your windows. I'm looking for signs that you're home,
and for flat screen TVs or gaming systems I'd like. I'll drive or walk
through your neighborhood at night, before you close the blinds, just to
pick my targets.
6. Avoid announcing your vacation on your Facebook page. It's easier than
you think to look up your address.
7. To you, leaving that window open just a crack during the day is a way to
let in a little fresh air. To me, it's an invitation.
8. If you don't answer when I knock, I try the door. Occasionally, I hit the
jackpot and walk right in.
Sources: Convicted burglars in North Carolina , Oregon , California , and
Kentucky ; security consultant Chris McGoey, who runs
http://www.crimedoctor.com/ (http://www.crimedoctor.com/) and Richard T. Wright, a criminology professor
at the University of Missouri-St. Louis, who interviewed 105 burglars for
his book Burglars on the Job.
Post by: Mr. Farknocker on April 05, 2012, 01:45:31 PM
11. Here's a helpful hint: I almost never go into kids' rooms.
I would disregard this one. I had the unfortunate experience of having a dude break into my house while I and my siblings were home and while my parents were out. We pretended to be asleep in our rooms. I think I was 8 or 9, somewhere in that neighborhood. The dude actually came into my room and turned on the lights and rummaged through my dresser before leaving to finish what he came to do. The dude had some balls.
Post by: 230RN on April 09, 2012, 08:57:50 AM
That was a bit of an education.
They caught him and most of the stuff was returned to us, but a good lesson.
Post by: Kingkeoni on April 09, 2012, 09:52:47 AM
Quite a while ago wife1 and I had our house burgled by the garbageman. The trash cans were left by the unlocked back door, and he just walked in while we were out and prowled around.
That was a bit of an education.
They caught him and most of the stuff was returned to us, but a good lesson.
LESSON LEARNED:
Damnit wife1, lock the doors.
You got to go... Next. :rofl:
Post by: wirecounter on April 13, 2012, 06:15:07 PM
1.Fine - I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.
2.That's Okay - One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake.
3.Nothing - The calm before the storm. This means "Something" and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (See #1).
4.Five Minutes - If getting dressed, this means half an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It's the same definition for you when it's your turn to do some chores around the house.)
5. Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, "You're welcome," and let it go.
6. Loud Sigh - Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about "Nothing." (See #3)
7.Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. (Don't Do It!)
8.Don't worry about it, I got it - The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, see #3.)
Post by: 230RN on April 13, 2012, 08:52:18 PM
Never having seen anyone from Detroit at heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God.
After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group.
A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said,
'They're gone!'
'What? All of the Detroiters are gone?' asked God.
'No!' replied Saint Peter. 'The Pearly Gates!'
Post by: Kingkeoni on April 13, 2012, 09:37:41 PM
As he is starting to go in the water, he sees three huge lobsters sitting in the shallow water.
He knows it's not lobster season but they're so big, he just has to have them.
He looks around and doesn't see anyone, so he grabs them and goes back to his truck to put them in his cooler.
As soon as he gets them in the cooler, a police officer comes up behind him and asks " What you got there?"
"Nothing, officer" replies Mano.
The police officer says, "Then open the cooler"
Mano reluctantly opens the cooler and the Police officer sees the three huge lobsters.
He tells Mano, "You know it's not lobster season, it's a $10,000 fine and three months in jail for each lobster"
Mano thinks quickly and says, "Officer, these are my pet lobsters, I raise them at home and bring them swimming once a week. They swim for exactly one hour and when I whistle they come back to me."
The officer doesn't believe him.
He says, "Come on, you expect me to believe that?"
Mano says watch... He then takes the three lobsters into the water and let's them go.
An hour goes by and the officer says, "O.K., whistle for them to come back."
Mano says, "Whistle for who to come back?"
The officer says, "Your lobsters"
Mano says, "What lobsters, you crazy or what?"
Post by: Travboi on April 16, 2012, 11:29:24 AM
A white guy, filipino, and podagee
As they are walking they stumble across a genie lamp
The rub it and a genie pops out
He tells them that he is lazy and they only get 1 wish each
The white man goes first.. He tells the genie he would like water so he wont go thirsty amd die
The filipino goes second and asks for food so they wont starve to death
Finally the podagee goes. He look at the genie and asks for a car door.
The genie asks what do you want a car door for?
The podagee replys "so if it gets hot i can roll down the window"
Post by: 230RN on April 16, 2012, 11:15:34 PM
Thank you for your letter of April 17. After careful
consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to
accept your refusal to offer me employment with your
firm.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving
an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such
a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible
for me to accept all refusals.
Despite <Company Name>'s outstanding qualifications and
previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that
your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time.
Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm and
I look forward to seeing you 8 AM Monday, April 30th to
begin my employment.
Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
Sincerely,
<Name of Applicant>
Post by: wirecounter on April 18, 2012, 12:37:08 AM
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
“There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn’t run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”
The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”
“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer and he walked away.
Post by: Jl808 on May 01, 2012, 10:24:58 PM
-----------------------------------------------
You Might Be A GUN NUT if........
-----you have ever loaded a drawer up with so much ammo that you can't open it
-----when someone asks how many guns you have, you have to think about it for a minute
-----you have ever bought ammo in a caliber that none of your guns fire
-----the guns you took to the range cost more then your car
-----you carry a different gun every day of the week
-----whenever you can't decide which gun to get, you get both
-----you get your wife/girlfriend to wear Hoppes 9 instead of her usual perfume.
-----you take so many guns to the range and don't shoot half of them.
-----you have an extra room in your house just for ammo and guns.
-----your home page is set to a firearms related webpage.
-----you count the number of bullets that people shoot in a movie and then scream a top of your lungs BULLSH**!!! when a guy using a revover mows down a battalion of criminals without reloading.
--- you know more about the Constitution than your lawyer.
--- your wife leaves you and you don't mind. Your dog gets run over by a truck and you barely flinch. But you accidentally drop your favorite gun, gets scratched and you cry a river.
---- if you ever thought to do your own "Gun Buy-Back" program. Let's face it, even a Saturday Night Special for a $20 Blockbuster Gift Card is a good deal.
---- if you have more holster than Imelda Marcos had shoes.
---- if you never stop looking for pre-ban hi-cap magazines... even in a supermarket.
-----if you can field strip any firearm you own hanging upside down and blindfolded
-----if you have ever bought a gun to fill an old holster someone gave you. (So many times I can no longer count 'em.)
---- if you have ever bought a gun to shoot up a half-filled 20-round box of ammo someone gave you, because you didn't have a rifle in that caliber yet. Ditto for when someone gives you an old set of reloading dies in some obscure caliber.
-----if you have ever accidentally run a pocket pistol through the wash and spin cycles, still in your pants pocket.
----- if you do not own a single fabric-based item (clothing, bags or suitcases) that does NOT set off the explosives trace detector at the airport.
-----if you have ever bought a gun that is identical to TWO you already own, because the first two are out-of-production NIB examples and you can't bring yourself to shoot them.
-----When buying something with pocket change, you have to pick the dimes and quarters out of a handful of loose ammo.
-----if you regularly find guns around the house and in far corners of the safe that you have no memory of buying ... and such discoveries no longer surprise you.
-----if you have ever busted a spring on your car from piling too much ammo in the trunk on the way to a shoot.
-----For you NFA junkies: You know the birthday of your BATF examiner, even though you can't remember your wife's.
-----if you have ever researched a firearm you own to find out the date it was manufactured ... and then thrown a birthday party for it.
-----if you go to WalMart for back-to-school supplies, then must explain to your wife why that includes 1k of 9mm Win white box.
-----if your dog is "Dog" and your cat is "Cat," but each of your guns has a name. (Well, at least the guns you're closest to -- ya know, the ones you've bonded with.)
-----when you say "Damn ! That is a sexy looking piece!", your wife knows you are not looking at another woman.
----- whenever you see a story on TV about a gator spotted in a neighborhood, you think "Crap, there goes another target of opportunity."
----- if your AR, after installing all the new gadgets, now weighs more than a FAL.
----- if any time a wheather person on TV gives the latest update on the hurricane du jour, you wonder if you have enough ammo.
---- if your hurricane panels have shooting ports.
-----if you have to have additional homeowner's insurance specifically for firearms.
-----if the cops have ever called Homeland Security after pulling you over
-----if you have ever carried more then two guns at once
-----when the local gunshop needs an obscure magazine, they call you
-----when you call your local rep's office, the guy who answers groans and says "I'll tell him again not to vote for AWB" as soon as he hears your name
-----if you have more holsters then pants
-----if the movers all groan when they see your gunsafe
-----if you spend half an hour bitching about how the good guy in the movie killed 20 badguys firing full-auto from the hip
-----if your spend another half an hour explaining how the movie would have been over in 10 minutes if any of the bad guys victims had a gun
-----if you regularly just sit and stare at your guns for a while, and the rest of your family doesn't find this strange
-----if you reach into your pocket for change at the local 7-11 and pull out loose ammo along with your change.
-----if the guy working at the 7-11 knows you and isn't surprised.
-----if you have a poster of Burt Gummer holding an 8 bore rifle. ("Guess you broke into the wrong God damn rec room, didn't ya!")
-----if you can actually take a nap in a gun range.
-----if you felt a knot in your stomach when they showed US Soldiers destroying a cache of brand spanking new AK-74 on the news.
-----if you considered that the cheaply goldplated HK MP-5 was reason enough to oust Hussein.
------When you mount a tripod, bayonet and flash suppressor to your N.A.A. 22 MINI MAG
------If you do a complete breakdown of all your weapons just to stay in practice - "especially if you haven't made it to the range lately"
------if you find more .22LR than loose change when you clean out your car.
------if your nightstand is stacked with gun rags and firearm technical and reloading manuals.
------if you build a portable reloading system so you can reload in the family room and not miss your favorite tv-show.
------if the local SWAT teams stop by your house for guns and ammo before heading out to the big bust.
Post by: Jl808 on May 01, 2012, 10:27:46 PM
Gun Joke on Wife (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BewP8KBdXmo#)
Post by: 230RN on May 02, 2012, 03:09:25 AM
Post by: hnl.flyboy on May 02, 2012, 04:20:23 AM
Don't try this on your wife!!!
Oh hell no!! You see how close she came to dropping it?! She could've put a scratch on it! Such irresponsibility...My heart skips a beat whenever someone drops my 1911's slide without a mag and ammo in it...my heart would STOP if my gun got scratched that way!
Post by: Jl808 on May 03, 2012, 01:56:34 PM
Sailor 1 to Navy Captain: "Hey you, do you know where the f*** we are?"
The Captain was not amused replied: "Do you two know who I am?"
Sailor 2 to Sailor 1: "Oh no... we are in really deep trouble now. We don't know where we are, and he doesn't know who he is!"
Post by: Inspector on May 04, 2012, 07:08:11 PM
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree...and think 25 to life would be
appropriate.
--Jay Leno
America needs Obama-care like Nancy
Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
--Jay Leno
Q: Have you heard about McDonald's'
new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you
has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien
Q: What does Barack Obama call
lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
--Jay Leno
Q: What's the difference between
Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers,
and threats to society. The other is for housing
prisoners.
--David Letterman
Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were
on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it
started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America !
--Jimmy Fallon
Q: What's the difference between
Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
--Jimmy Kimmel
Q: What was the most positive result
of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper
stickers off the road.
--David Letterman
Solution to the problem in Libya : They want a new Muslim leader, Give them ours.
Post by: wirecounter on May 07, 2012, 11:21:43 AM
Post by: GreenStomper on May 07, 2012, 08:24:09 PM
Post by: hnl.flyboy on May 16, 2012, 08:07:15 AM
http://www.everydaynodaysoff.com/2012/04/23/glock-grenade-joke-in-time-magazine/ (http://www.everydaynodaysoff.com/2012/04/23/glock-grenade-joke-in-time-magazine/)
Post by: wirecounter on May 16, 2012, 10:13:43 PM
Post by: Inspector on May 17, 2012, 06:14:45 AM
Post by: hnl.flyboy on May 19, 2012, 04:36:48 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ES9QxE3sUaw&feature=player_detailpage#t=45s (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ES9QxE3sUaw&feature=player_detailpage#t=45s)
Especially when you see the extensive distances he pushes that tactical rifle out to!
Post by: DuckFat on May 20, 2012, 12:35:28 AM
"Shoot" House (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1D7EgWHd1A#ws)
Post by: hnl.flyboy on May 20, 2012, 05:28:37 AM
Post by: GreenStomper on May 20, 2012, 08:10:20 AM
Post by: wirecounter on May 20, 2012, 08:58:02 AM
Especially when you see the extensive distances he pushes that tactical rifle out to!
+1
This guy is an expert marksman! Did you see his 10 shot group? Amazing. :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Post by: 230RN on May 25, 2012, 03:27:48 PM
Actual excerpts from classified sections
of city newspapers
2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect
markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like
one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food
expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25;
Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick
legs and large drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique
lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get
an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in
factory.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it
carefully by hand.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and
an Alaskan Hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in
beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the
Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as
Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the
Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink
it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts,
comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family
appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so
serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a
month. References required.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be
willing to travel.
UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come
here first!
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the
hard-to-find person.
Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of dog that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Post by: GreenStomper on May 25, 2012, 06:00:00 PM
Post by: 230RN on May 25, 2012, 07:46:36 PM
(http://arviel.loesch.org/300ZAD.JPG)
Changed my mind about buying it.
Post by: GreenStomper on May 25, 2012, 07:50:20 PM
Post by: 230RN on May 26, 2012, 05:39:29 AM
Hell of a fun car with a straight-six engine which would pull it away from stoplights at a surprising rate. Would chirp going into second when I hit redline in first. I used to love to do that commuting into Denver, where there was a stoplight just before a tunnel and the chirp echoing in that tunnel was ummm.... satisfying.
Still have a faint burn mark from adjusting the front SU carb which is right by the exhaust manifold.
Fortunately, I broke its transmission before I got into trouble, ticket-wise, with it.
I gave it to the boys for parts for their Zs.
Here it is when I bought it from the impound yard of a towing company... a good source for serviceable, but not necessarily pretty cars. The lady from the impound yard is filling out the paperwork. I paid US$201.00 for it. The extra dollar was to avoid having to register it as a "salvage car," and thus not roadworthy. I got US$2010.00 fun out of it, and more. I wanged up the transmission linkage hauling ass off a light trying to beat another car to the next turn lane, and finally decided I was getting to be a dangerous driver with that thing.
(http://arviel.loesch.org/LEFTSIDE.jpg)
I named it "Nymphie" because it was green and the clear coat was peeling off in a lot of places, so it looked kind of like a wood nymph, with leaves peeling off her. Took me a month to get it tuned juuuuust right.
A hell of a lot of fun, though! Sort of a poor man's Jaguar because the styling was copied from the Jag, but the straight-six engine was copied from the Mercedes-Benz 6-banger. I don't know who they copied the transmission from, though.
It was funny when we all met up at my older son's house and there'd be four of them parked out front. Looked like Z-City!
Zs are still kind of a cult car, and I still see them tooling around once in a while, and they still attract comment. I used to get a lot of "I used to have one when I was in college" remarks from onlookers when I parked it. I think mine was a '73, but I'm not sure.
Here's a Concourse-prepared one, not one of ours. Nice shapely little bitch. Sexy!
(http://www.idcow.net/idcow/products/ym2014.jpg)
Terry, 230RN
(Concourse pic credit in Properties.)
Post by: Heavies on May 26, 2012, 06:21:27 AM
Post by: GreenStomper on May 26, 2012, 07:52:51 AM
Post by: Inspector on May 30, 2012, 04:44:40 PM
[attachment deleted by admin]
Post by: Inspector on May 31, 2012, 12:11:59 PM
An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his
annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was
hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The
old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant
my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know
you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried..
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the
old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from
his son.
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under
the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
Post by: hnl.flyboy on May 31, 2012, 06:50:39 PM
lol
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mYRvhu0_b4
Post by: Jkeone808 on May 31, 2012, 07:21:26 PM
Not a "joke", but for your entertainment, if you giggle at people suffering (sort of)...
lol
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mYRvhu0_b4 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mYRvhu0_b4)
I laughed, but it looks like it sucks!
Post by: hnl.flyboy on May 31, 2012, 07:32:18 PM
I laughed, but it looks like it sucks!
Oh yeah, it sucked a lot. Lol. No other "Welcome Home!" like a level 2 OC contamination...
Post by: GreenStomper on May 31, 2012, 09:33:08 PM
Post by: Aegis808 on June 01, 2012, 11:16:12 AM
Not a "joke", but for your entertainment, if you giggle at people suffering (sort of)...
lol
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mYRvhu0_b4 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mYRvhu0_b4)
LOL Russell!!! i would say it probably feels good to not be in Camp Lejeune anymore but it doesn't seem like you guys took a break from training at all.
Post by: hnl.flyboy on June 01, 2012, 12:29:18 PM
LOL Russell!!! i would say it probably feels good to not be in Camp Lejeune anymore but it doesn't seem like you guys took a break from training at all.
Sup, bro, this is Phil, not Russell.
Russell says, "Nope! Big green weenie!!" He says he awaits your return from Lejeune!
Post by: BananaClip on June 01, 2012, 09:07:07 PM
I had a 1971 Datsun 521 pickup...I miss that truck :(
sorry :stopjack:
Post by: Travboi on June 07, 2012, 01:25:10 PM
Post by: DuckFat on June 07, 2012, 01:34:51 PM
Post by: Jkeone808 on June 07, 2012, 02:30:28 PM
He's lucky he didn't get shot
Agreed, looks like he might have took a beating at the end though.
Post by: hnl.flyboy on June 07, 2012, 06:49:41 PM
Post by: Travboi on June 07, 2012, 11:12:23 PM
Post by: 230RN on June 08, 2012, 07:36:16 AM
Post by: DuckFat on June 08, 2012, 11:41:44 PM
Barack Obama Singing Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hX1YVzdnpEc#ws)
Post by: Kingkeoni on June 09, 2012, 01:52:18 AM
One's an an African lion and one's a lyin African
Post by: hnl.flyboy on June 09, 2012, 06:42:33 AM
Call Obama.....maybe :rofl:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Post by: hnl.flyboy on June 13, 2012, 10:18:22 PM
i guess a .22 is a good thing to have :rofl:
[attachment deleted by admin]
Post by: 230RN on June 14, 2012, 07:35:34 AM
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south,
so they decided to go by airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons.
"Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.
"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
Post by: oldfart on June 14, 2012, 09:48:33 AM
(stolen from an ATT tv commercial)
Post by: 230RN on June 26, 2012, 08:57:38 AM
The man says, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "My wife."
<rim shot>
Terry, 230RN
Post by: Kingkeoni on June 26, 2012, 09:12:20 AM
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2AM and is asked where he is going this time of night.
The man says, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "My wife."
<rim shot>
Terry, 230RN
Hahahahaha, :rofl:
Post by: 230RN on July 01, 2012, 05:14:34 PM
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them"gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller,"and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied,
"I will, if those assholes at the lumber yard ever deliver the fuckin' drywall..."
Post by: Pugs_808 on July 01, 2012, 11:13:45 PM
Pocket Taser Gun, A
Great Gift For The Wife?
This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary. Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best..... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!% !@*!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A- ... that hurt like hell!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantle of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novacaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return. Still in shock...
Post by: 230RN on July 04, 2012, 05:17:17 AM
Quote
I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
I ain't lookin' for nobody's testicles nohow.
But if I accidentally happen to find just one, does the reward offer still stand?
Post by: GreenStomper on July 04, 2012, 07:20:34 AM
Post by: 230RN on July 11, 2012, 04:59:21 AM
Quote
DIXAFIX.TXT
All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name..
Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also calle Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxaflopin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new beverage by the name of MOUNT & DO.
Ah. OK. Now that it's been recorded here for posterity, I can delete it from my C:\ drive.
Whew!
Terry, 230RN
Post by: Heavies on July 11, 2012, 05:21:39 AM
Post by: gotblika on July 11, 2012, 08:07:14 AM
Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh.yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied. 'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.' 'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked. 'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said. 'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?' 'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!' So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?' 'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly. 'No Kidding,' he said. ' Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies? :))))))))))
Post by: hnl.flyboy on July 11, 2012, 09:19:15 AM
Post by: Jkeone808 on July 11, 2012, 11:07:38 AM
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.
Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh.yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied. 'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.' 'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked. 'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said. 'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?' 'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!' So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?' 'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly. 'No Kidding,' he said. ' Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies? :))))))))))
Hahaha :rofl:
Post by: 230RN on July 11, 2012, 11:13:26 AM
After he serves the guy a couple of drinks, he says, "Sorry, buddy, but I couldn't help noticing, that you have a very small head on your shoulders for such a big guy..."
"Oh, yeah," the guy says. "It happened this way. I was walking along the beach and I see this bottle washed up on the sand. So I pull out the cork and this gorgeous Genie comes out wrapped in a veil of smoke, you know, like Genies are.
"So she says, 'Master, you have released me from 1000 years of imprisonment in that bottle and as a reward, I will grant you one wish.'
"Well, this Genie is really beautiful, and I was getting pretty hornified and bonerized just looking at her, so I says, 'How about we have sex?'
"So she says, 'Master, I would love to grant you that wish, but as you can see, I'm nothing but smoke from the waist down....'
"So I says, 'Okay, in that case, how about just a little head?'"
<rim shot>
I'm not signing this one so nobody will know who posted it.
Post by: oldfart on July 12, 2012, 07:08:31 AM
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Post by: 230RN on July 21, 2012, 09:49:39 AM
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gag_names (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gag_names)
Post by: Kingkeoni on July 21, 2012, 12:04:16 PM
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Post by: gotblika on July 21, 2012, 01:55:20 PM
What do women and dog shit have in common?:rofl:
:
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Post by: 230RN on August 05, 2012, 07:46:08 AM
-------------------------
'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I
Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-
___________________________________
'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
- SR71 test pilot
___________________________________
'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
- Unknown Author-
___________________________________
'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
- Fixed Wing Pilot-
___________________________________
'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you still have
enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
-Multi-Engine Training Manual-
___________________________________
'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.'
-Unknown Author-
___________________________________
'If you hear me yell "Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echos.'
If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by
then you'll be the pilot.'
-Pre-flight Briefing from an F104 Pilot-
___________________________________
'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but if ATC screws up.... the
pilot dies.'
-Sign over Control Tower Door-
___________________________________
'Never trade luck for skill.'
-Author Unknown-
___________________________________
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military
aviation are: 'Did you feel that?' , 'What's that noise?' and 'Oh *expletive deleted*!'
-Authors Unknown-,
___________________________________
'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
-Basic Flight Training Manual-
___________________________________
'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to
a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything
about it.'
- Emergency Checklist-
___________________________________
'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just
barely kill you.'
- Unknown author
___________________________________
'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
-Sign over Squadron Ops Desk
----------------
The three most useless things in aviation is the altitude above you,
the runway behind you and the fuel you left behind! -Unknown
______________________________________________
'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full
power to taxi to the terminal.' - Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -
__
"Only fly in the middle of the air, never at the edges."
----
I heard one once that was purported to be from a maintenance inspection.
The "deficiancy" was "Right engine almost doesn't work"
The "corrective action" was "Almost fixed right engine."
----------
Problem: "There is a noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget banging on something with a hammer."
Correction: "Took hammer away from midget."
---------------
P – Number 3 engine missing.
S – Number 3 engine found on right wing, after a very brief search.
P – Aircraft handled funny.
S – Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P – Left inside main tire almost needs replaced.
S – Left inside main tire almost replaced.
P – Test flight went great, however auto-landing was very rough.
S – Auto-landing not installed on this aircraft.
P – Something loose in the cockpit.
S – Something tightened in the cockpit.
P – Dead bugs on windshield
S – Live bugs are still on back order.
P – Auto-pilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 feet per second descent.
S – Can’t reproduce that particular problem on the ground.
P – Evidence of a leak on right main landing gear.
S – Evidence removed.
P – Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S – That means it’s working.
P – IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S – I think most things are inoperative in the OFF mode.
P – I suspect a cracked windshield.
S – I suspect you’re right.
P – Mouse in cockpit.
S – Installed cat in cockpit.
------------
One thing for certain about flying, one way or another you are evenutally going to come back down to earth. I've never heard of an aircraft getting stuck in the sky.
----------
As a friend of mine says, there are a lot more airplanes in the ocean that there are submarines in the sky!
---------
The two most useless things in the world are sky above you and runway behind you.
-------------
Any landing you walk away from is a good landing, a great one and you can use the plane again.
--------
If you must crash, hit the softest, cheapest thing you can as slow as possible.
--------
In learning to fly you start off with a full bag of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
-----------
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Flashwing 329.
Flashwing 329: ” Frankfurt , Flashwing 329 clear of active runway.”
Ground: “Flashwing 329. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Flashwing 329, do you not know where you are going?”
Flashwing 329: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Flashwing 329, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”
Flashwing 329 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, — and I didn’t land.
-----------------
Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
-----
You will have heard the old joke about the old fighter pilot telling a high school class about dogfighting with German fighters in WWII. The pilot went on and on about fighting the Fokkers when the teacher interrupted and told the class that the Fokker was a model of German fighter. The pilot said, "Yes, but these fokkers were Messerschmidts.."
-----
I was told this story by an air traffic controller from his time at a joint military/civilian airport. An F-4 (USAAF fighter jet) pilot requested clearance to take off, but due to the amount of civilian traffic the ATC told him he'd have to hold. After a repeated impatient request by the F-4 to take-off the ATC suggested that if the pilot could reach 14,000ft within half the runway length he could take off; otherwise he would have to hold. To the ATC's surprise the F-4 pilot acknowledged the tower and began to roll. At the halfway mark the F-4 went vertically up until he reached 14,000ft, then levelled off. The ATC had no option than to hand the pilot over to departures and wish him a nice day, since he'd met the conditions laid down. The ATC said it was the darndest thing he ever saw.
------
Due to take off from JFK New York one morning in our Qantas 707 we were about eighth of fifteen aircraft in line. From one of the aircraft, presumably experiencing a slight problem, a voice over the radio said, "*shit*!"
JFK Air Traffic Control (angrily demanding to know): "Who said *shit*?"
First aircraft in the line (gave callsign): "I did not say *shit*."
Quickly followed by the second in line (gave callsign): "I did not say *shit*."
Then the third, and then all of us, one by one, giving the same "I did not say *shit*" reply.
----
The late Captain Mickey (deleted) – an all-round fine fellow, highly experienced pilot and, at the time, Sergeant in the UK Parachute display team) - was piloting a Britten Norman Islander to jumping altitude with a full load of hairy-arsed paras crammed into the rear of the aircraft. With no warning at all, a bang and a flash of flame, the port engine blew itself to pieces. Mickey's hands flashed around the cockpit as he brought the aircraft under control. As soon as the aircraft was straight and level he turned to his passengers and said: "Phew. I think you chaps should…" But his words tailed away as he gaped at the empty passenger cabin. At the first sign of trouble, the paras had leaped from the aircraft and were at that moment floating serenely towards the earth. Mickey landed safely to tell the tale.
-------
Lufhansa Pilot to co-pilot, forgetting that the frequency was open: "We used to come up the Thames, and turn over here for the docks...."
Voice on frequency: "ACHTUNG SPITFEUR"
-------
The second was at a commercial airport in Texas. The controller was trying to deliver a clearance that was mostly "cleared as filed" but with one change at the departure and arrival airport. After two incorrect readbacks, the frustrated controller blurted out "Okay, that's enough tries for you. Let me talk to Beavis."
-------
One very stormy morning in Boston, many planes were lined up on taxiways waiting for departure. A female pilot made a successful landing on a crossing runway after visibly wrestling her Flying Tiger stretched DC-8 through turbulence and blustery snow squalls, fighting it right down to the runway. An anonymous voice: "But can you park it?"
------------
Post by: hnl.flyboy on August 05, 2012, 04:28:19 PM
Pilot / airplane / flying / not flying jokes I picked up from one of "those" e-mails... you know, one where there are a hundred recipients besides little ole you...
-snip-
-------------------------
'Never trade luck for skill.'
-Author Unknown-
___________________________________
-snip-
Thanks, Terry :rofl:
That above is so true...
Post by: 230RN on August 05, 2012, 07:13:31 PM
"Only fly in the middle of the air, never at the edges."
Post by: Inspector on August 06, 2012, 07:27:49 PM
Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery , Logan , Utah !
I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest?
His five rules for a happy life are at the bottom.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you
laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust,
and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed,
and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
Post by: Inspector on August 06, 2012, 07:34:57 PM
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Very good! -- Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"
Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing, "Let's try one a bit more difficult -- Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?"
Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Japs."
"Who said that? -- I want to know right now!? she angrily demanded.
Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right! -- Now who said that?"
Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? -- Suck this!"
Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit! -- If you say anything else -- I'll kill you!"
Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."
The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, We're screwed!"
Little Akio said quietly, "The American people, November 4, 2008."
Post by: 230RN on August 07, 2012, 01:22:45 AM
Post by: TeamSDSHawaii on August 07, 2012, 09:43:23 PM
COWBOY TOMB STONE
Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery , Logan , Utah !
I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest?
His five rules for a happy life are at the bottom.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you
laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust,
and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed,
and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
LOL.... !!!
Post by: Heavies on August 10, 2012, 04:46:43 PM
http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2012/08/10/13217139-pennsylvania-road-crew-paints-yellow-line-over-dead-raccoon (http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2012/08/10/13217139-pennsylvania-road-crew-paints-yellow-line-over-dead-raccoon)
Post by: 230RN on August 11, 2012, 01:04:39 AM
(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_iyCmZg7OArM/S6TvvlEqeDI/AAAAAAAADyg/eYGx00BKAsM/s400/Fess+Parker.jpg)
(Incidentally, FYI and FYA (For Your Amusement), there used to actually be a "Road Kill Cafe" in Crestone CO. Unfortunately, it burned down a couple of years ago.)
Terry, "Vittles is Vittles," 230RN
REF, lest ye think I'm pullin' your legs:
http://townofcrestone.org/crestone_history.shtml (http://townofcrestone.org/crestone_history.shtml)
Quote
...The southeast corner across Alder was a church in 1910, was Olde Town from the late 70's to late 90's with the famous Road Kill Cafe, and is now the Sangre de Cristo Inn.
Post by: Inspector on August 16, 2012, 06:00:30 PM
http://dave6.posterous.com/dont-honk-at-old-people (http://dave6.posterous.com/dont-honk-at-old-people)
Post by: 230RN on August 17, 2012, 08:39:35 PM
I thought it took a lot more energy than that to set off the air bags. Maybe the old lady had two 45s and a half dozen spare mags in that bag?
Post by: TeamSDSHawaii on August 20, 2012, 10:05:57 PM
Post by: Kingkeoni on August 20, 2012, 10:56:12 PM
I was tired and not paying attention on my drive home.
I accidentally rear ended the car in front of me.
Now, it wasn't that bad. I didn't see any damage on the other car, but no sooner did I hit the car, the guy steps out of the car and starts walking towards me.
Normally, I'd be kind of pissed off at his aggressive behavior, except he was a dwarf.
So he walks his little dwarf self up to my window and loudly proclaims "I AM NOT HAPPY"
I then asked, " So which one are you, then?"
That's how the fight started.
Post by: TeamSDSHawaii on August 20, 2012, 11:02:07 PM
My wife ordered "Broke Back Mountain" in 3D....
That's how the fight started...
Post by: 230RN on August 21, 2012, 07:24:00 AM
She is not happy with what she sees and says to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
I replied, "'Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
That's how the fight started.
Post by: Cougar8045 on August 21, 2012, 10:52:09 AM
Grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a Torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband Is out fishing in that?'
That's how the fight started...
Post by: 230RN on August 22, 2012, 04:39:36 PM
Post by: Inspector on August 31, 2012, 04:12:29 PM
I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in....
I asked the trainer standing next to me, "What machine should I use, as I would really like to impress that lady over there?"
The trainer looked me over and said; "I highly recommend the ATM in the lobby!"
Post by: Inspector on August 31, 2012, 04:41:28 PM
[attachment deleted by admin]
Post by: Inspector on August 31, 2012, 04:46:50 PM
[attachment deleted by admin]
Post by: 230RN on September 03, 2012, 08:20:52 AM
Nyuck-nyuck-nyuck.
I'm not signing this one so nobody will know who posted it.
Post by: Jl808 on September 05, 2012, 10:20:50 AM
The other three agreed.The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."
The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."
The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to. But no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret and I can't wait to get out of here!"
Post by: Jkeone808 on September 08, 2012, 02:18:50 PM
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
Grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a Torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband Is out fishing in that?'
That's how the fight started...
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Post by: hnl.flyboy on September 22, 2012, 08:20:34 PM
This should give you single, adventurous guys some ideas ;)
NSFW. I doubt anyone at a bus stop or other public place would mind, but your boss would probably get suspicious of laughter...
http://m.funnyordie.com/videos/8e25d48f0a/the-babysitter/
Post by: Kingkeoni on September 22, 2012, 09:17:01 PM
Post by: DuckFat on September 26, 2012, 10:55:05 AM
Post by: hnl.flyboy on September 26, 2012, 07:19:06 PM
Post by: 230RN on September 27, 2012, 11:17:35 AM
Hehehehehehehehehehe
✓ What he said.
Post by: Inspector on October 05, 2012, 09:17:31 AM
Frog and Female Golfer
A Woman was out playing golf one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The man had a heart attack ten times "milder" than his wife ..
Moral of the story: Women are not really smart, they just think they are.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
Post by: Inspector on October 05, 2012, 09:22:51 AM
When your family or friends cannot explain why they voted for a Democrat, they should be given this list.
1. I voted for a Democrat because I believe oil companies’ profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 15% isn’t.
2. I voted for a Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.
3. I voted for a Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.
4. I voted for a Democrat because I’m way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers, rapists, thugs, and thieves.
5. I voted for a Democrat because I believe that people who can’t tell us if it will rain on Friday can tell us that the polar ice caps will disappear in ten years because of Global Warming if I don’t start driving a Prius or a Chevy Volt.
6. I voted for a Democrat because I’m not concerned about millions of babies being aborted so long as we keep all death row inmates alive.
7. I voted for a Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right to free health care, education, and Social Security benefits.
8. I voted for a Democrat because I believe that business should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as the Democrats see fit.
9. I voted for a Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution regularly to suit some fringe folks who would never get their agendas past the voters.
10. I voted for a Democrat because I think that it’s better to pay billions to people who hate us for their oil, but not drill for our own because it might upset some useless endangered beetle, gopher, or fish.
11. I voted for a Democrat because while we live in the greatest, most wonderful country in the world, I was promised “HOPE AND CHANGE.”
12. I voted for a Democrat because my head is so firmly buried in my butt that it’s unlikely that I’ll ever have another point of view.
Post by: Dregs on October 07, 2012, 01:44:47 AM
(http://urbangrounds.com/wp-content/uploads//navy_ribbons.jpg)
Post by: Kingkeoni on October 07, 2012, 08:04:56 AM
As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us!"
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing the bouncer a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said,
"A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
Post by: DuckFat on October 08, 2012, 03:28:26 PM
http://imgur.com/a/9H0Hv (http://imgur.com/a/9H0Hv)
Post by: 230RN on October 09, 2012, 03:21:00 AM
"So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!"
I guess it was Isaac Asimov who opined that there should be some scientific measurement of beauty for comparison purposes. His notion was that since the most beautiful woman in the world was Helen of Troy, "whose face launched a thousand ships," a viable unit of perfect beauty should be the "Helen," just as many scientific units are named after individuals. As examples, we have the Ohm, named after Georg Simon Ohm, and the Ampere, after André-Marie Ampère.
But since no woman could exceed this enormous unit of beauty, the Helen, the basic practical unit should be the milliHelen, one thousandth of the beauty of Helen.
So according to Asimov, an example of how this would work went like this: If a particular woman had a beauty of say, 650 milliHelens, that meant that her face could only launch 650 ships.
Brrrump-Tshhhh !
Terry, 230RN
REF:
http://ancienthistory.about.com/od/troyilium/f/FaceLaunched.htm (http://ancienthistory.about.com/od/troyilium/f/FaceLaunched.htm)
Post by: Inspector on October 09, 2012, 07:59:06 AM
One line in Inspector's joke was,I wonder where Madeleine Albright would rate on this scale? Does the scale go negative? :rofl:
"So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!"
I guess it was Isaac Asimov who opined that there should be some scientific measurement of beauty for comparison purposes. His notion was that since the most beautiful woman in the world was Helen of Troy, "whose face launched a thousand ships," a viable unit of perfect beauty should be the "Helen," just as many scientific units are named after individuals. As examples, we have the Ohm, named after Georg Simon Ohm, and the Ampere, after André-Marie Ampère.
But since no woman could exceed this enormous unit of beauty, the Helen, the basic practical unit should be the milliHelen, one thousandth of the beauty of Helen.
So according to Asimov, an example of how this would work went like this: If a particular woman had a beauty of say, 650 milliHelens, that meant that her face could only launch 650 ships.
Brrrump-Tshhhh !
Terry, 230RN
REF:
http://ancienthistory.about.com/od/troyilium/f/FaceLaunched.htm (http://ancienthistory.about.com/od/troyilium/f/FaceLaunched.htm)
My friend came to me one day and told me of a nightmare he had the night before.
He said he woke up in a sweat and his heart pounding through his chest.
He said his dream was that he was receiving oral sex from a woman.
I told him that is a good thing and asked why he considered it a nightmare?
He said when he looked down it was Madeleine Albright doing the deed. And that it scared the hell out of him. Then he asked me what I thought about his nightmare?
I told him, "Don't look down!".
Post by: DuckFat on October 09, 2012, 11:51:31 PM
(http://i.huffpost.com/gen/801330/thumbs/r-PRESIDENTIAL-DEBATE-HAIR-SWITCH-ROMNEY-OBAMA-large570.jpg)
Post by: hnl.flyboy on October 10, 2012, 12:41:29 AM
Obama-Romney hair switch :rofl:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA EPIC!!
Post by: 230RN on October 10, 2012, 01:06:49 AM
I also had to laugh at the red versus blue ties.
Post by: 230RN on October 11, 2012, 01:13:09 PM
Quote
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel ,
"Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead
you to the Promised Land."
Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said,
"Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this
is the Promised Land."
Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the
price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the
economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement
funds, etc .... I called a Suicide Hotline.
I had to press 1 for English.
I was connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Folks, we're screwed.
Post by: hnl.flyboy on October 11, 2012, 05:30:35 PM
Post by: Heavies on October 12, 2012, 03:46:25 AM
Post by: Inspector on October 16, 2012, 07:40:36 PM
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
(Gotta love military time)
Post by: hnl.flyboy on October 17, 2012, 12:07:15 AM
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
(Gotta love military time)
:rofl: Oldie but goodie!
Post by: Kingkeoni on October 17, 2012, 02:10:51 AM
:rofl: Oldie but goodie!
Inspector or the joke? ???
Post by: 230RN on October 17, 2012, 06:47:32 AM
I heard, read, saw, picked up somewhere that the miiitary does not use 00:00:00 hours in order to eliminate confusion as to what day it is: 00:00:00 hours on, say February 16th or February 17th?
Is that true? Or is there another way to differentiate the calendar day?
Iggerint but blisful.
Terry, 230RN
Post by: ren on October 17, 2012, 02:11:45 PM
Post by: Kingkeoni on October 17, 2012, 03:03:37 PM
KingKeoni trying to buy a Springfield XD .45 for $350 and the buyer backed out.
:rofl:
Post by: hnl.flyboy on October 18, 2012, 11:23:29 AM
Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks dog.
California :
#1. Governor starts to intervene, reflects upon the movie "Bambi"
and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.
#2. He calls animal control. Animal control captures coyote and spends $200 testing it for diseases and $500 upon relocating it.
#3. He calls veterinarian. Vet collects dead dog and spends $200 testing it for diseases.
#4. Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting bite wound bandaged.
#5. Running trail gets shut down for 6 months while wildlife services conduct a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is clear of dangerous animals.
#6. Governor spends $50,000 of state funds implementing a "coyote awareness" program for residents of the area.
#7. State legislature spends $2 million investigating how to better handle rabies and how to possibly eradicate the disease.
#8. Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack and for letting the Governor intervene.
#9. Cost: $75,000 to train new security agent.
#10. PETA protests the coyote relocation and files suit against the state.
Texas :
#1. Governor shoots coyote and keeps jogging. Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge. Buzzards eat dead coyote.
Any wonder why California is broke????
Post by: 230RN on October 19, 2012, 11:56:47 PM
Small edit:
#1. Governor shoots coyote, picks up empty case for reloading, and keeps jogging. Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge. Buzzards eat dead coyote.
Post by: Inspector on October 20, 2012, 06:13:35 PM
Investment Opportunity!!!
Thought you might want to consider getting on board early....
A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.
He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.
It's doing well.
He says prophets are going through the roof.
Rim shot!!!!!!!!!
Post by: wirecounter on October 20, 2012, 07:27:15 PM
Investment Opportunity!!!
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Good one Inspector!
Post by: Kingkeoni on October 21, 2012, 08:54:20 PM
He told me, "me no longer make movies,
me have severe arthritis,
both shoulders and not swing from
vine to tree".
I asked how Jane was doing?
He told me,"Jane in bad shape, in nursing home,
has Al zheimer's and not recognizes anyone". How sad!
I asked about Boy, and he told me "Boy,
gone big city,
get with bad women, on drugs and alcoholic;
and only time hear from him, when in trouble or need something".
I asked about Cheeta: he beamed and said,
"Cheeta do good. She marry lawyer, had
plastic surgery,
now live in White House!!!
I know, something bad
is going to happen to me for this !!!
Post by: Inspector on October 23, 2012, 10:04:58 AM
Post by: hnl.flyboy on October 23, 2012, 12:17:19 PM
UNKILLED HAMBURGER MEAT
First time I saw that, I laughed at her ignorance...then cried after realizing how widespread her ignorance was.
Post by: Inspector on October 23, 2012, 12:31:01 PM
First time I saw that, I laughed at her ignorance...then cried after realizing how widespread her ignorance was.The ad was reportedly taken out in San Francisco. Nancy Pelosi's District. I can't verify this though.
Post by: 230RN on October 23, 2012, 09:05:06 PM
Quote
I worked on a ranch during my high school days and some guy with Connecticut plates drove up and asked how to get to the next ranch. So I told him, go south five miles, turn right by all the mailboxes, and then left after you pass a cattle guard. He thanks me and asks, "What color uniform will the guard be wearing?"
This joke has a number of variations, one of which was about some reared-back-East President who was so upset by Western ranchers' objections to his farm policies that he ordered all the cattle guards out West fired, but only after they had been re-trained for other jobs.
Here, for those of us who are urbanites, is an example of a cattle guard:
(http://pokayoke.wikispaces.com/file/view/CattleGuard.jpg/30304167/CattleGuard.jpg)
:)
Terry, 230RN
Post by: Inspector on October 23, 2012, 09:41:08 PM
Post by: Dregs on October 24, 2012, 04:31:46 PM
http://static.quickmeme.com/media/social/qm.gif (http://static.quickmeme.com/media/social/qm.gif)
Post by: GreenStomper on October 24, 2012, 07:32:10 PM
I want to know what type of firearm they carry!?!?!
Some heavy iron
Post by: Inspector on October 24, 2012, 07:49:07 PM
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,
"Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating.
You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is.
"Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses.
The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your dad caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that, too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...."I would have gotten out today."
Post by: Inspector on October 25, 2012, 10:12:56 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=CI8UPHMzZm8 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=CI8UPHMzZm8)
Post by: 230RN on October 25, 2012, 12:14:37 PM
Both hilarious!
Then there's the protest you still hear occasionally about the slaughter of all those clay birds, and questions about why they aren't put on the endangered species list.
Oh, dang, then there's the Great Nucla Colorado Prairie Dog Shoot of circa 1990, where I still remember a letter to the editor at the time inquiring as to why they didn't just find good homes for those poor wild dogs, especially the puppies:
http://www.squidoo.com/hometown-nucla-colorado#module28643682 (http://www.squidoo.com/hometown-nucla-colorado#module28643682)
(Praire dogs are a real problem in some areas. I would get paid nominal sums by some of the farmers around here to thin them out with my .223.)
Terry, 230RN
Post by: Inspector on October 25, 2012, 03:06:28 PM
^, ^^Love that one!!!
Both hilarious!
Then there's the protest you still hear occasionally about the slaughter of all those clay birds, and questions about why they aren't put on the endangered species list.
Oh, dang, then there's the Great Nucla Colorado Prairie Dog Shoot of circa 1990, where I still remember a letter to the editor at the time inquiring as to why they didn't just find good homes for those poor wild dogs, especially the puppies:
http://www.squidoo.com/hometown-nucla-colorado#module28643682 (http://www.squidoo.com/hometown-nucla-colorado#module28643682)
(Praire dogs are a real problem in some areas. I would get paid nominal sums by some of the farmers around here.)
Terry, 230RN
Post by: 230RN on October 25, 2012, 03:22:51 PM
http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/deercrossing.asp (http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/deercrossing.asp)
I hope I'm as gracious when some of my own stupidities come back to haunt me.
Snopes dott com is the premiere debunking site, in my opinion. I'm sure the Donna response is in the public domain, even though it was embedded in the Snopes URL above.
Terry, 230RN
Post by: Inspector on October 27, 2012, 08:45:07 AM
Enjoy!
http://www.newsday.com/polopoly_fs/1.235372.1243574086 (http://www.newsday.com/polopoly_fs/1.235372.1243574086)!menu/standard/file/ny-walt-baby-boomers.swf
Post by: Heavies on October 27, 2012, 11:00:49 AM
Post by: 230RN on October 30, 2012, 05:02:18 PM
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it. "Oh, I'm so glad you saw it. Now I know where to find my hearing aid!"
Post by: Jl808 on November 02, 2012, 06:59:05 AM
Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port. About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze!
"Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate.
"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me my red shirt." The first mate did so.
Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without casualties.
A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two
pirate sloops!
"Captain, captain, what should we do?"
"First mate, bring me my red shirt!"
The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and
managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration. The first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt.
"It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show, and the crew continues to fight without fear."
A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy's armada were approaching!
"Captain, captain, we're in terrible trouble, what do we do?" The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker.
Pale with fear, the captain commanded, "First mate.... bring me my brown pants!"
Post by: DuckFat on November 08, 2012, 03:25:32 PM
http://youtu.be/PLIJc7YE_jw (http://youtu.be/PLIJc7YE_jw)
Post by: Kingkeoni on November 18, 2012, 12:12:46 AM
He surrendered
Post by: Kingkeoni on November 18, 2012, 12:26:44 AM
One dollar bill: George Washington
Five dollar bill: Abraham Lincoln
Ten dollar bill: Alexander Hamilton
Twenty dollar bill: Andrew Jackson
Fifty dollar bill: Ulysses S. Grant
One hundred dollar bill: Benjamin Franklin
Food Stamps: Barack Obama
Post by: oldfart on November 18, 2012, 04:55:01 AM
"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.
Post by: 230RN on December 04, 2012, 05:40:56 PM
Post by: BananaClip on December 04, 2012, 06:51:39 PM
Obama ended the war on terror...:thumbsup:
He surrendered
Post by: Inspector on December 31, 2012, 01:43:08 PM
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently," she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - "Is that one word or two?
Post by: 230RN on January 03, 2013, 09:28:42 AM
"I have to be very careful about getting pregnant," Carol says.
Barbara looks at her and says, "But I thought you said your husband had a vasectomy!"
"Yes, he did," Carol answers. "That's why I have to be very careful."
Post by: TackTikahl on January 04, 2013, 02:00:23 PM
Post by: hvybarrels on January 04, 2013, 02:12:50 PM
The bartender looked up and said "Hi there, Mr. President!"
Post by: wirecounter on January 04, 2013, 02:21:21 PM
IS THAT ONE WORD OR TWO ?
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently," she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - "Is that one word or two?
ROFLMAO :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Thanks Inspector!
Post by: Kingkeoni on January 05, 2013, 09:49:36 AM
Post by: 230RN on January 08, 2013, 03:58:23 AM
Post by: hnl.flyboy on January 08, 2013, 06:09:03 PM
NSFW!
Gilbert Gottfried - Dirty Jokes (sub ita) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8xDt_-raRUk#)
Post by: wirecounter on January 09, 2013, 04:43:39 PM
The COW AND THE ICE CREAM
ONE OF THE BEST THEORIES OF WHY OBAMA WON THE ELECTION
-->From a teacher in the Nashville area - -
"We are worried about 'the cow' when it is all about the 'Ice Cream. 'The most eye-opening civics lesson I ever had was while teaching 3rd grade. The last Presidential election was heating up and some of the children showed an interest. I decided we would have an election for a class president. We would choose our nominees. They would make a campaign speech and the class would vote. To simplify the process, candidates were nominated by other class members. We discussed what kinds of characteristics these students should have. We got many nominations and from those, Jamie and Olivia were picked to run for the top spot.
The class had done a great job in their selections. Both candidates were good kids.
I thought Jamie might have an advantage because he got lots of parental support.
I had never seen Olivia's mother.
The day arrived when they were to make their speeches.
Jamie went first.
He had specific ideas about how to make our class a better place.
He ended by promising to do his very best.
Everyone applauded and he sat down.
Now is was Olivia's turn to speak.
Her speech was concise. She said, "If you will vote for me, I will give you ice cream." She sat down.
The class went wild. "Yes! Yes! We want ice cream."
She surely would say more. She did not have to.
A discussion followed. How did she plan to pay for the ice cream? She wasn't sure. But no one pursued that question. They took her at her word.
Would her parents buy it or would the class pay for it...She didn't know.
The class really didn't care. All they were thinking about was ice cream...
Jamie was forgotten. Olivia won by a landslide.
Every time Barack Obama opened his mouth he offered ice cream and 51.4 % of the people reacted like nine year old's.
They want ice cream.
The other 48.6% percent know they're going to have to feed the cow and clean up the mess."
This is the ice cream Obama promised us!
Remember, the government cannot give anything to anyone that they have not first taken away from someone else.
Did you vote for the ice cream?
THAT MY FRIEND, IS HOW OBAMA GOT ELECTED...
BY THOSE WHO WANT EVERYTHING FOR FREE!
Post by: 230RN on January 10, 2013, 10:35:06 AM
Too damned close to the truth to be funny.
Mods, please move that out of the "Jokes? Jokes, anyone..." section.
:thumbsup: :shaka: :sarcasm:
Terry, 230RN
Post by: Heavies on January 10, 2013, 11:54:53 AM
Post by: 230RN on January 11, 2013, 05:55:23 AM
All of a sudden Ahkbar spots a fly buzzing around the food.
With one fluid motion, he draws his scimitar and whish! he beheads the fly, which falls to the sand in two pieces. But Amed seems unimpressed, so Ahkbar slides his scimitar back in the scabbard and says, "Well, what did you think of that swordsmanship?"
"Not bad, but I can do better than that," Amed says. "Here, hold my ouzi and watch this." Soon another fly appears and in a swift smooth motion, he draws his scimitar and swings it in the air.
The fly buzzes away and Ahkbar laughs like hell. "Ha, Amed! You failed to behead him, as I did."
"Yes," Amed says calmly. "But now he will never have any children."
Post by: Colt808 on January 11, 2013, 06:37:26 AM
(http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/myth-i-am-just-big-boned.jpg)
Post by: Inspector on January 20, 2013, 01:08:39 PM
Post by: Inspector on January 20, 2013, 01:09:40 PM
Post by: Inspector on January 20, 2013, 01:11:50 PM
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats".
But, none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".
Moral of the story:
Hard work is never appreciated.
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
Bonus:
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was shot by the woman's husband.
Post by: Inspector on January 20, 2013, 01:13:59 PM
Post by: Heavies on January 20, 2013, 09:56:34 PM
Post by: wirecounter on January 21, 2013, 01:10:24 PM
Wife...
Where can I get one of these for my wife? :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Post by: Inspector on January 22, 2013, 04:27:42 PM
I got a new dog to guard our house. It was a little more than I thought I should pay but I think when word gets out we'll be a relatively crime free neighborhood.
The nice part is he is a year old and already fully trained. For your safety you might want to call the house from the driveway and in the safety of your car!
Post by: hnl.flyboy on January 22, 2013, 11:15:22 PM
I Got A New Dog
I got a new dog to guard our house. It was a little more than I thought I should pay but I think when word gets out we'll be a relatively crime free neighborhood.
The nice part is he is a year old and already fully trained. For your safety you might want to call the house from the driveway and in the safety of your car!
D'awwwwwww...I want one now!
Post by: DuckFat on January 29, 2013, 01:34:02 PM
"THE NFL : A Bad Lip Reading" — A Bad Lip Reading of the NFL (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zce-QT7MGSE#ws)
Post by: DuckFat on January 29, 2013, 01:34:30 PM
"LA FWAY" — A Bad Lip Reading of Beyoncé (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JI1kq6CA_38#ws)
Post by: DuckFat on January 29, 2013, 01:36:02 PM
"Inauguration 2013: A Bad Lip Reading: — A Bad Lip Reading of Barack Obama's Inauguration (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fpwhA-LdOHo#ws)
Post by: 1911 on January 29, 2013, 04:29:39 PM
Post by: aieahound on January 29, 2013, 04:52:44 PM
Three blind mice, where the hell are they going ?
Jack and Jill went up the hill, each with a buck and quarter,
Jill came down with $2.50 the fkn whore !
Little Boy Blew.
He needed the money. OOOHHH !
Hickory dickory dock,
On second thought, this one's probably not appropriate. ;D
Post by: hnl.flyboy on January 31, 2013, 08:24:42 PM
Why do I need a 30 round magazine?
why do I shoot millions of sperm, when only 1 needs to fertilize the egg?
Cause it's fun?
Because it takes millions to make a proper "Pearl Necklace"
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Post by: Bunker on February 08, 2013, 09:42:40 AM
(http://i1287.photobucket.com/albums/a632/Bunker9939/USANEWWARRIORS_zps83dcb617.jpg)
Post by: Inspector on February 09, 2013, 10:44:18 AM
http://screen.yahoo.com/flip-side-valentines-day-000000989.html (http://screen.yahoo.com/flip-side-valentines-day-000000989.html)
Post by: GreenStomper on February 09, 2013, 10:50:04 AM
Post by: Inspector on February 09, 2013, 03:06:36 PM
Post by: Heavies on February 09, 2013, 03:08:36 PM
The Difference Between Ravens Fans and 49ers Fans:Hahahaa. LoL
Post by: Kingkeoni on February 09, 2013, 06:55:59 PM
Post by: hnl.flyboy on February 09, 2013, 10:14:46 PM
Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.
He asked her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”
“Well,” said the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”
Obama frowned, and then asked, “But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?”
The Queen took a sip of tea. “Oh, that’s easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.”
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?”
Tony Blair walked into the room and said, “Yes, Your Majesty?”
The Queen smiled and said, “Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister.
Who is it?”
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, “That would be me.”
“Yes! Very good,” said the Queen.
Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. “Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”
“I’m not sure,” said Biden. “Let me get back to you on that one.” He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.
Finally, Biden ran in to Ron Paul out eating one night. "He's a Doctor! He should know," thought Biden. He asked, “Ron, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
Ron Paul answered right back, “That’s easy, it’s me!”
Biden smiled, and said, “Thanks!” Then, he went back to speak with Obama. “Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Ron Paul!”
Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, “No! You idiot! It’s Tony Blair!”
AND THAT IS PRECISELY WHAT’S GOING ON
IN OUR WHITE HOUSE!!!
Post by: Inspector on February 13, 2013, 01:03:48 PM
When Obama dies George Washington meets him at the Pearly Gates. He slaps him across the face and yells, "How dare you try to destroy the Nation I helped conceive?"
Patrick Henry approaches, punches him in the nose and shouts, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."
James Madison follows, kicks him in the groin and says, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson is next, beats Obama with a long cane and snarls, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."
The beatings and thrashings continued as James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the radical, socialist, leader.
As Obama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appears. Obama weeps and says,
"This is not what you promised me."
The Angel replies, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?
Post by: Inspector on February 13, 2013, 01:04:43 PM
Click on:
http://www.mrctv.org/node/119755 (http://www.mrctv.org/node/119755)
Post by: Inspector on February 13, 2013, 01:11:37 PM
Post by: Bunker on February 13, 2013, 01:12:46 PM
Leno on Obama-Clinton 60 Minutes Segment:rofl:
Click on:
http://www.mrctv.org/node/119755 (http://www.mrctv.org/node/119755)
Post by: hnl.flyboy on February 13, 2013, 09:34:24 PM
Leno on Obama-Clinton 60 Minutes Segment
Click on:
http://www.mrctv.org/node/119755 (http://www.mrctv.org/node/119755)
Almost didn't watch it till I saw Bunker's post. Damn! That was awesome! :rofl:
Post by: aieahound on February 15, 2013, 02:37:55 PM
Almost didn't watch it till I saw Bunker's post. Damn! That was awesome! :rofl:+1
Almost didn't watch it until I saw Flyboys post.
Leno on Obama-Clinton 60 Minutes Segmentcheck it out
Click on:
http://www.mrctv.org/node/119755 (http://www.mrctv.org/node/119755)
Post by: 230RN on March 03, 2013, 10:31:34 PM
And in it she loved to frisk.
Wasn't she a foolish girl,
her little *
Post by: Kingkeoni on March 04, 2013, 06:04:17 AM
Mary had a little plane,
And in it she loved to frisk.
Wasn't she a foolish girl,
her little *
I don't get it?
Post by: 230RN on March 04, 2013, 01:21:58 PM
Read it out loud, with "asterisk."
:D
(Terry runs and hides under a chair...)
(http://arviel.loesch.org/chair.gif)
Post by: TeamSDSHawaii on March 04, 2013, 09:04:14 PM
The Difference Between Ravens Fans and 49ers Fans:
Lol... Ouch.
Post by: Jl808 on March 04, 2013, 09:15:53 PM
From: National Defense Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 N
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2
Canada
Dear Concerned Citizen:
Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces, who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided, on a trial basis, to divert several terrorists and place them in homes of concerned citizens such as yourself, around the country, under those citizens personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is your detainee, and is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. You will be pleased to know that we will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with your recommendations.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome those character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling; however, we strongly recommend that you hire some assistant caretakers.
Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbors or relatives about your house guest, as he might get agitated or even violent, but we are sure you can reason with him. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless in your opinion, this might offend him.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills either in your home or wherever you choose to take him while helping him adjust to life in our country. Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters except sexually, since he views females as a form of property, thereby having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him.
You also should know that he has shown violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter. You take good care of Ahmed and remember that we will try to have a counsellor available to help you over any difficulties you encounter while Ahmed is adjusting to Canadian culture.
Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man. Good luck and God bless you.
Cordially,
Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defense
Post by: Kingkeoni on March 05, 2013, 06:01:40 AM
* = "asterisk."
Read it out loud, with "asterisk."
:D
(Terry runs and hides under a chair...)
(http://arviel.loesch.org/chair.gif)
Aaaaaaah, ees good.
Berry funny now.
Post by: dirsh on March 05, 2013, 01:21:02 PM
The Queen’s Riddle
Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.
He asked her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”
“Well,” said the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”
Obama frowned, and then asked, “But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?”
The Queen took a sip of tea. “Oh, that’s easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.”
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?”
Tony Blair walked into the room and said, “Yes, Your Majesty?”
The Queen smiled and said, “Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister.
Who is it?”
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, “That would be me.”
“Yes! Very good,” said the Queen.
Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. “Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”
“I’m not sure,” said Biden. “Let me get back to you on that one.” He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.
Finally, Biden ran in to Ron Paul out eating one night. "He's a Doctor! He should know," thought Biden. He asked, “Ron, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
Ron Paul answered right back, “That’s easy, it’s me!”
Biden smiled, and said, “Thanks!” Then, he went back to speak with Obama. “Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Ron Paul!”
Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, “No! You idiot! It’s Tony Blair!”
AND THAT IS PRECISELY WHAT’S GOING ON
IN OUR WHITE HOUSE!!!
i LOL'D
Post by: fstbckgt on March 06, 2013, 04:00:30 AM
Post by: Inspector on March 15, 2013, 04:39:46 PM
Le papier ne sera jamais mort / Paper is not dead on influencia.net ! on Vimeo (http://vimeo.com/61275290)
Post by: wirecounter on March 16, 2013, 02:32:04 PM
Paper is not dead
Le papier ne sera jamais mort / Paper is not dead on influencia.net ! on Vimeo (http://vimeo.com/61275290)
Got an error. Please reload
Post by: Inspector on March 16, 2013, 07:33:52 PM
Post by: jayguns on March 16, 2013, 07:50:56 PM
Post by: wirecounter on March 18, 2013, 02:51:52 PM
If you click the french words link below it, it works. But here is the link (between the quote marks) just in case: "www.vimeo.com/61275290"
Thanks!
Post by: aieahound on March 19, 2013, 08:36:40 AM
Why did Christopher Robin, Eeyore and Piglet stick their heads in the toilet ?
They were looking for Pooh ! :rofl:
What goes Ha Ha Ha Clunk ?
A guy who laughed his head off :rofl:
Maybe I should've posted this on drunken posting cause it's funny if your drunk. :crazy:
Post by: new guy on March 19, 2013, 08:55:59 AM
Post by: 230RN on March 19, 2013, 04:39:46 PM
FIrst day, First Grade...
It's the first day of school for the new FIrst-Graders, and the teacher
is asking them what they did over the summer after Kindergarten last
year.
"Suzy, what did you do?"
Suzy answers, a little sheepishly, "Um, we went to visit my Nanna in
the country."
"Very good, Suzy. But we're not in Kindergarten any more and we
should use more grown-up words. You should say 'Grandmother,'
not 'Nanna,' okay?"
Little Johnny is listening to this with great interest.
"And Judy, what did you do over the summer?"
"We had so much fun. we took a long ride on a choo-choo!"
"Very nice, Judy, but we're getting more grown-up now, so let's
say 'train' from now on instead of 'choo-choo.'"
Johnny finally "gets" what's going on about using grown-up words.
"And Johnny, what did you do over the summer?"
And Johnny answers, "Mommy and I read a book together."
"Oh, very, very good, Johnny! What was the name of the book
you read?"
And Johnny, puffed with pride that he understands what the teacher
wants, answers, "Winnie The Shit."
Post by: Inspector on March 20, 2013, 01:38:15 AM
Poop trucks of Dubai
Amazingly, Dubai doesn't have a sewage infrastructure to support its skyscrapers, including the world's tallest building, the Burj Khalifa. Drivers said they'd been queuing for three days! Unsurprising then, that many dump their loads into storm drains that lead directly to the open sea. Tourists are warned of the risk of contracting serious illnesses like typhoid and hepatitis if swimming on Dubai beaches. Wikipedia on sanitation in Dubai.
Read more at http://www.boreme.com/posting.php?id=31361#zG1eEW9u4Kyolvck.99 (http://www.boreme.com/posting.php?id=31361#zG1eEW9u4Kyolvck.99)
Post by: aieahound on March 20, 2013, 09:28:49 AM
The Little Rascals are in class and the teacher says
"Class, today I'm going to ask you to use words in sentences. The first word is dictate."
Buckwheat eagerly raises his hand and the teacher says "OK Buckwheat, what's your sentence ?"
Buckwheat stands up as says " Hey Darla, how my dictate ?"
Post by: SWHunter on March 21, 2013, 10:18:53 PM
Post by: Inspector on March 22, 2013, 12:54:30 PM
Post by: 2aHawaii on March 22, 2013, 02:17:15 PM
She's not alone...
Worst. 'shop. Evar.
Post by: Inspector on March 22, 2013, 02:25:19 PM
Worst. 'shop. Evar.Don't shoot the messenger. :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Post by: 230RN on March 23, 2013, 04:23:48 AM
Post by: Kingkeoni on March 23, 2013, 05:52:58 AM
Because it was too cold out tide. :rofl:
Post by: Colt808 on March 23, 2013, 07:38:34 AM
Because it was too cold out tide. :rofl:
Damnit! I spilled my coffee...You sir, are one dirty MF.
Post by: 230RN on March 25, 2013, 10:16:06 PM
The shepherd and the economist
A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. He tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock."
The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet.
"973," says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right.
So he says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal."
The guy picks one up and begins to walk away.
"Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation."
The guy says, "Sure, go ahead and guess.."
"You are an economist for the government's Farm Bureau," says the shepherd.
"Amazing!" responds the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?"
"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."
Post by: wirecounter on March 25, 2013, 10:18:54 PM
The third hunter leaves and Josh and Olly decide to try to do exactly what he has suggested.
Some considerable time later Josh says, 'You know, Olly, that man was right. This is an awful lot easier!'
'Yep, Josh, but we're getting farther from the truck,' moans Olly.
Post by: Bunker on March 26, 2013, 10:51:39 PM
Thrift Shop PARODY "I'm Obama" ~ Rucka Rucka Ali (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o2Dwz6HVNz8#ws)
Post by: 1911 on March 26, 2013, 11:06:06 PM
Seen this Obama video on another forum...
Thrift Shop PARODY "I'm Obama" ~ Rucka Rucka Ali (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o2Dwz6HVNz8#ws)
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Post by: moosed on March 27, 2013, 09:38:19 PM
Post by: wirecounter on March 31, 2013, 02:30:10 PM
Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, the car hits it full on, and the
car comes to a stop.
Nancy , in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur, "You get out
and check--you were driving."
So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but
it was old.
"You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer," says Nancy .
Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a
big grin on his face. "My God, what happened to you?" asks Nancy .
The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle
of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love
to me."
"What on earth did you say?" asks Nancy .
"I just knocked on the door and when it opened I said to them, "I'm Nancy
Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."
Post by: spanner1751 on April 11, 2013, 08:11:15 PM
Post by: Bunker on April 27, 2013, 02:04:26 AM
Post by: Kingkeoni on April 27, 2013, 04:00:33 AM
(http://i1287.photobucket.com/albums/a632/Bunker9939/541758_183694141780494_779851108_n_zps53568c11.jpg)
Hahahaha ha
:rofl:
Awesome
Post by: Bunker on April 28, 2013, 02:32:23 PM
Post by: Pizzo on May 04, 2013, 09:46:11 PM
Post by: Pizzo on May 04, 2013, 09:47:38 PM
(http://i1287.photobucket.com/albums/a632/Bunker9939/541758_183694141780494_779851108_n_zps53568c11.jpg)Holy $hit...how did I miss this one.....LMFAO!! :rofl:
Post by: BUD on May 06, 2013, 12:06:02 PM
:popcorn: ;D
:popcorn: :popcorn:
Post by: Kingkeoni on May 06, 2013, 09:38:39 PM
She gets in the line and places her items on the counter.
A drunk old wino gets in line behind her.
He looks at her items then looks at her.
He again looks down at her items and looks up at her.
After doing the same thing a third time, he looks up and says " I'll bet you're single"
She is amazed at this old winos observation.
She looks at her items and then at the wino.
She says "Well yes I am but how did you know?, what gave it away?"
He says "because you're fuckin ugly"
Post by: wirecounter on May 06, 2013, 09:57:11 PM
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”
“My darling,” he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
Post by: Pizzo on May 07, 2013, 06:22:23 AM
He says "because you're fuckin ugly"Hahahaha....good one! :rofl:
Another good one!! :rofl:
“My darling,” he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
Thanx guys, I needed a good laugh this morning!! :thumbsup:
Post by: 2aHawaii on May 07, 2013, 06:54:35 AM
Post by: crazy cat on May 07, 2013, 01:29:36 PM
The first man married a woman from North Carolina. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from South Carolina. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Hawaii. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich. He still has some difficulty when he pees. ;)
Post by: aieahound on May 07, 2013, 02:54:04 PM
Classic !
Post by: moosed on May 07, 2013, 09:30:30 PM
She asks her husband, "I was considering getting a boob job. Do you think I should?"
The husband says, "If you want bigger boobs, just rub a bunch of toilet paper between them everyday."
She looks skeptical. "You think rubbing toilet paper between my boobs will make them bigger?"
"Why not?" he said. "It sure worked on your ass!"
Post by: BUD on May 07, 2013, 09:32:48 PM
Post by: NoScade on May 08, 2013, 08:14:53 AM
millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married
her?"
Millionaire: " Billionaire"
Post by: dirtylickins on May 08, 2013, 08:32:56 AM
Interviewer to Milionaire: To whom do you owe your success as ahaha. Back yet?
millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married
her?"
Millionaire: " Billionaire"
Post by: NoScade on May 08, 2013, 08:41:43 AM
haha. Back yet?
Yup I call you after work
Post by: fstbckgt on May 11, 2013, 04:25:43 AM
Seen this Obama video on another forum...I raise you two more.
Thrift Shop PARODY "I'm Obama" ~ Rucka Rucka Ali (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o2Dwz6HVNz8#ws)
Baracka Flacka Flames - Head of The State (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQ-hPNrKdZI#ws)
Key & Peele: Obama - The College Years (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vlxkcewBEe0#ws)
Post by: Inspector on May 24, 2013, 04:30:46 PM
Oh...this one is disturbing on so many levels...she wasn't even attractive "in the day."
Before They Were Famous - Nancy D'Alesandro (Pelosi) - Miss Lube Rack 1955
Post by: hnl.flyboy on May 24, 2013, 04:50:10 PM
Miss Lube Rack of 1955
Oh...this one is disturbing on so many levels...she wasn't even attractive "in the day."
Before They Were Famous - Nancy D'Alesandro (Pelosi) - Miss Lube Rack 1955
OH, DEAR GOD!!
Why didn't they kill it with fire?? :(
Post by: 230RN on May 24, 2013, 11:00:35 PM
1. Eat less.
2. Usually come when called.
3. Are easier to train.
4. Don't ask for money all the time.
5. Don't drink or smoke.
6. Don't hang out with friends who use drugs.
7. Never ask to drive the car.
8. Don't have to have the latest fashions.
9. Don't want to wear your clothes.
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children
Post by: aieahound on July 09, 2013, 01:06:47 PM
He makes a proclamation that whoever brings him the most ping pong balls can marry his daughter.
The first guy brings in a huge bag with 1000 ping pong balls.
The second guy brings in 5 huge bags with 5000 ping pong balls.
The third guy brings in a truck with 10,000 ping pong balls.
The last guy walks in with a bag and dumps two HUGE balls on the floor before the king.
The king states: " Those are not ping pong balls !"
The guy replies: " Ping pong balls ? I though you said King Kong's balls !"
Post by: 230RN on July 10, 2013, 02:07:07 AM
Joke trajectory
(http://homepage.math.uiowa.edu/~stroyan/CTLC3rdEd/ProjectsOldCD/estroyan/epsgif/323.gif)
;D
Post by: SpeedTek on July 10, 2013, 02:34:22 AM
1. Eat less. (My son is 20 and is 220lbs)
2. Usually come when called. (Never, Its always WHAT?, LATER)
3. Are easier to train. (Has to be reminded to take a bath and take out the trash!)
4. Don't ask for money all the time. ($30 a day minimum)
5. Don't drink or smoke. (Not Yet!)
6. Don't hang out with friends who use drugs. (Worst Gamers)
7. Never ask to drive the car. (Too lazy to get his license)
8. Don't have to have the latest fashions. (Steals all my GOOD clothes)
9. Don't want to wear your clothes. (Uh Wrong)
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and (Oh Crap another Tuition Bill!)
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children (I'm throwing them out of the House, He's plays video games and watches Anime all day. Girls dont exist yet)
Post by: Kingkeoni on July 10, 2013, 06:20:56 AM
A man with diarrhea chancing a fart.
Post by: Kingkeoni on July 10, 2013, 06:24:05 AM
''Why do you have a cork up your ass?''
''Well, it's a long story. But one day I was walking on the beach and I tripped over a bottle and woke up a genie who said he would grant me one wish. I said, 'No shit!'''
Post by: Kingkeoni on July 10, 2013, 06:38:08 AM
Every year at work we exchange "gag gifts" for Christmas.
Last year I gave a toilet brush for a gift.
Every gift is given a number then we draw numbers out of a bowl to decide our gift.
The old Filipino janitor got my gift.
He looked at it and was confused. He asked "What is it?"
I told him, "it's a toilet brush"
"Aaaaaah" he said, while nodding approvingly.
So anyway, last week I just happened to be walking in the hallway and he is walking in the same hallway towards me.
I don't really talk to him so I didn't know what to say, as I pass him in the hallway the only thing I can think to say is "So how did you like that toilet brush?"
He said "Well, it was ok. I used it for a couple months, but it hurt so I went back to toilet paper"
Post by: Jl808 on July 10, 2013, 07:14:40 AM
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Post by: aieahound on July 10, 2013, 11:02:05 AM
True story...
Classic ! :rofl: :rofl: Laughed My Ass Off ( yeah I spelled it out )
^
Joke trajectory
(http://homepage.math.uiowa.edu/~stroyan/CTLC3rdEd/ProjectsOldCD/estroyan/epsgif/323.gif)
;D
At least I revived the thread. ;) ( We just got a new ping pong table and it reminded me of the joke. )
Post by: SpeedTek on July 10, 2013, 11:15:17 AM
Hillary Clinton, a Presidential Democratic Party candidate is for
banning all guns in America . She is considered by those who have
dealt with her as a little more than just a little self-righteous.
At a recent rural elementary school meeting in north Florida she
asked the kids audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, she
started to slowly clap her hands, once every few seconds. Holding
the audience in total silence, she said into the microphone, "Every
time I clap my hands, a child in America dies from gun violence."
A young voice with a proud southern accent (probably Little Johnny)
from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet. "Well, stop clappin,
ya stupid b@#$%!"
Post by: 230RN on July 11, 2013, 03:08:23 AM
Even at a clap every ten seconds, that would be 3,153,600 kids dead from firearms per year.
(Yeah, I know, it was a made-up story, but I'm a numbers freak.)
Perspective (an easy, short read):
http://www.nationalreview.com/article/348095/children-and-guns-fear-and-reality (http://www.nationalreview.com/article/348095/children-and-guns-fear-and-reality)
Post by: Kingkeoni on July 11, 2013, 07:01:37 AM
Sounds like she used some clappy statistics.
Even at a clap every ten seconds, that would be 3,153,600 kids dead from firearms per year.
1 clap every 10 seconds is 6 claps per minute,
X 60 minutes in an hour = 360
X 24 hours a day. = 8640
X 365 days a year. = 3,153,600
Post by: 230RN on July 11, 2013, 07:42:30 AM
"that would be 3,153,600 kids dead from firearms per year."
???
Post by: Kingkeoni on July 11, 2013, 09:08:39 AM
That's what I said:
"that would be 3,153,600 kids dead from firearms per year."
???
Just showing the math that led to your final number. :thumbsup:
Post by: 230RN on July 11, 2013, 01:12:19 PM
Post by: hnl.flyboy on July 12, 2013, 12:15:19 PM
Asiana Pilots names from KTVU News (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L1JYHNX8pdo#)
APOLOGY:
http://www.ktvu.com/news/news/ktvu-apology/nYpL3/ (http://www.ktvu.com/news/news/ktvu-apology/nYpL3/)
Post by: aieahound on July 12, 2013, 01:07:20 PM
Post by: Heavies on July 13, 2013, 03:42:15 AM
Not gonna lie, I laughed, but its messed up tho. :P
Post by: spanner1751 on July 13, 2013, 03:34:46 PM
http://www.seattlepi.com/local/article/Charge-Teen-cleaned-out-man-after-one-night-stand-4660371.php (http://www.seattlepi.com/local/article/Charge-Teen-cleaned-out-man-after-one-night-stand-4660371.php)
Post by: 230RN on July 14, 2013, 12:35:57 AM
Oh, man, I feel sooo guilty about laughing at that.
How the apologist kept a straight face, I'll never know.
Terry, 230RN
Post by: GZire on July 16, 2013, 04:33:35 PM
The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"
Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."
In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, "this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"
Joey says, "To your house!"
Post by: dirtylickins on July 16, 2013, 06:17:48 PM
Post by: wirecounter on July 16, 2013, 08:56:57 PM
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing in law that sounds dirty but isn't:
1. Think you can get me off?
Post by: stangzilla on July 17, 2013, 08:33:37 AM
Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. To a different bar.
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong.
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.
Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans On Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.
Q. Why do Driver’s Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.
Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the “F” word?
A. Yell, "BINGO!"
Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump, or swim are already in the United States.
Post by: Kingkeoni on July 17, 2013, 08:40:28 AM
They don't, they just beat the shit out of the room for being black.
Post by: stangzilla on July 24, 2013, 08:54:40 AM
This is a story of self control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.
Here is her story:
While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma, Louisiana
with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues,
we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator suddenly emerging from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open.
She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me I would not be here today!
Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.
The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus ... the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was worth more than the purchase price of this gun.
Post by: jonjon on July 24, 2013, 09:42:58 AM
one's a moonwalker the other is a child molester :geekdanc:
Post by: Jl808 on July 24, 2013, 09:52:27 AM
As he approaches the cashier he says "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States of America!!!!"
Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID"
Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am"
Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Obama: "I am urging you please to cash this check"
Cashier: "Look Mr.. President this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot and the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his check. So, Mr.President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States ?"
Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, my mind is a total blank - there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"
Post by: 1911 on July 24, 2013, 10:27:11 AM
President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check.
As he approaches the cashier he says "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States of America!!!!"
Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID"
Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am"
:thumbsup: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :shaka:
Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Obama: "I am urging you please to cash this check"
Cashier: "Look Mr.. President this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot and the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his check. So, Mr.President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States ?"
Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, my mind is a total blank - there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"
Post by: Jl808 on July 25, 2013, 04:17:32 PM
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Post by: wirecounter on July 25, 2013, 11:35:57 PM
Post by: ACADEMI on July 26, 2013, 07:10:07 AM
They need to be punted!!!!
Post by: Bunker on July 26, 2013, 11:50:08 AM
(http://i1287.photobucket.com/albums/a632/Bunker9939/ATT00002_zpsa0685b5e.jpg) (http://s1287.photobucket.com/user/Bunker9939/media/ATT00002_zpsa0685b5e.jpg.html)
(http://i1287.photobucket.com/albums/a632/Bunker9939/ATT00003_zps99303e7d.jpg) (http://s1287.photobucket.com/user/Bunker9939/media/ATT00003_zps99303e7d.jpg.html)
(http://i1287.photobucket.com/albums/a632/Bunker9939/ATT00004_zps365362ed.jpg) (http://s1287.photobucket.com/user/Bunker9939/media/ATT00004_zps365362ed.jpg.html)
(http://i1287.photobucket.com/albums/a632/Bunker9939/ATT00005_zps628d3221.jpg) (http://s1287.photobucket.com/user/Bunker9939/media/ATT00005_zps628d3221.jpg.html)
(http://i1287.photobucket.com/albums/a632/Bunker9939/ATT00006_zps104d5e52.jpg) (http://s1287.photobucket.com/user/Bunker9939/media/ATT00006_zps104d5e52.jpg.html)
Post by: Bunker on July 26, 2013, 11:51:21 AM
Post by: stangzilla on July 26, 2013, 12:07:23 PM
(http://i1287.photobucket.com/albums/a632/Bunker9939/Priceless-putter-500x763_zpse0d10813.jpg) (http://s1287.photobucket.com/user/Bunker9939/media/Priceless-putter-500x763_zpse0d10813.jpg.html)
:shaka:
Post by: Kingkeoni on July 29, 2013, 12:54:58 AM
This morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo.
I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped at a gas station
where a beautiful Hapa girl in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.
She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice,
"I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked
"What kind of ammo 'ya got?"
Post by: 230RN on July 29, 2013, 01:58:39 PM
(http://www.businessladiesgolf.com/Photos/trophy_kiss.gif)
Post by: Bunker on July 29, 2013, 09:45:46 PM
Them golfettes gotta practice, practice, practice!:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
(http://www.businessladiesgolf.com/Photos/trophy_kiss.gif)
Post by: Jl808 on August 04, 2013, 09:50:53 PM
The 9-1-1 operator told Bubba she would send someone out right away.
“Where do you live?” asked the operator.
Bubba replied, “At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.”
The operator asked, “Can you spell that for me?”
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, “How ’bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?”
Post by: 230RN on August 06, 2013, 02:28:53 AM
Post by: Kingkeoni on August 06, 2013, 06:31:01 AM
Post by: Darmok and Jalad @Tanagra on August 11, 2013, 11:56:17 AM
Post by: Darmok and Jalad @Tanagra on August 11, 2013, 12:36:55 PM
Post by: Darmok and Jalad @Tanagra on August 12, 2013, 06:25:31 PM
Post by: Jl808 on August 13, 2013, 07:20:32 AM
My favorite quote from the dimwit television reporter: "Wow! He has about a quarter million machine gun bullets." The headline referred to it as a "massive weapons cache!"
By southern California standards someone owning 100,000 rounds would be called "mentally unstable." Just imagine if he lived elsewhere:
In Arizona , he'd be called "an avid gun collector."
In Arkansas , he'd be called "a novice gun collector."
In Utah , he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.
In Texas and Montana , he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."
In Alabama , he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."
In Georgia , he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."
In North Carolina , Mississippi and South Carolina he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."
In Louisiana , he's just "Bubba" who's a little short on ammo.
Post by: Jl808 on August 13, 2013, 09:29:52 AM
Post by: Kingkeoni on August 13, 2013, 09:41:32 AM
^^^ KK, friendly advice. Do not move to Southern California. :))
Hahaha, the first thing I thought.
The Joker Jack Nicholson "Wait Till They Get A Load Of Me" Batman 1989 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQn-vulThcY#)
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sQn-vulThcY (http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sQn-vulThcY)
Post by: passivekinetic on August 13, 2013, 01:28:54 PM
He asks "Who believes in ghosts?"
About 80 students raise their hands.
"Good. That's a good start. Those of you who believe in ghosts, how many have actually seen a ghost?"
About 30 students raise their hands.
"Excellent. I'm really glad you're taking this seriously. Ok, has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About a dozen students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. But has anyone ever touched a ghost?"
Two students raise their hands.
"Amazing! But let me ask you one last question... and I don't even know if it is possible, but have any of you ever had sex with a ghost?"
Nobody does anything for a while but then slowly, one student in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished!
He removes his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "My god, son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever actually claimed that."
He waves the student up to the front of the class.
"Come up here please, tell us about your experience with the ghost."
"Gho-- oh, I'm sorry. I thought you said 'goats.''"
Post by: passivekinetic on August 18, 2013, 10:52:57 AM
http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/08/18/ohio-man-finds-285-pounds-pot-delivered-in-new-gun-safe/?test=latestnews (http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/08/18/ohio-man-finds-285-pounds-pot-delivered-in-new-gun-safe/?test=latestnews)
Post by: Darmok and Jalad @Tanagra on August 19, 2013, 01:49:14 AM
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, that was about the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The biker replies, ~ I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican ~
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
"U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH"
Post by: 808gmac on August 19, 2013, 09:08:56 AM
(http://i1287.photobucket.com/albums/a632/Bunker9939/Priceless-putter-500x763_zpse0d10813.jpg) (http://s1287.photobucket.com/user/Bunker9939/media/Priceless-putter-500x763_zpse0d10813.jpg.html)
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Post by: Jl808 on August 19, 2013, 09:33:20 AM
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
Post by: Darmok and Jalad @Tanagra on August 19, 2013, 02:47:16 PM
and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local
welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of
the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We
Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in
his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected
to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather
awkward to say But you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment
to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a
rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it!"
:rofl:
Post by: passivekinetic on August 19, 2013, 02:51:21 PM
I could never understand the pants thing, BTW. really, :wtf:
Post by: 808gmac on August 20, 2013, 11:26:10 AM
A guy in the locker room saw another guy with a piece of cork up his ass.
''Why do you have a cork up your ass?''
''Well, it's a long story. But one day I was walking on the beach and I tripped over a bottle and woke up a genie who said he would grant me one wish. I said, 'No shit!'''
:rofl:
Post by: Jl808 on August 20, 2013, 11:56:16 PM
The 22 Best Reactions From Steve Harvey On "Family Feud"
http://www.buzzfeed.com/awesomer/love-you-steve-harvey (http://www.buzzfeed.com/awesomer/love-you-steve-harvey)
Family Feud Fails: The Worst Answers in Show History
Family Feud Fails: The Worst Answers in Show History (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6L8UQaAJmYs#ws)
Post by: passivekinetic on August 21, 2013, 08:16:06 AM
Post by: Kingkeoni on August 21, 2013, 01:49:22 PM
I am in a huge predicament here.
I'm not sure if this is the right section but I don't know where else it would go.
Anyway, this morning my wife left to work.
She wasn't supposed to return till 5:00 PM but for some reason she showed up at noon.
When she came in the house, I was making love to a beautiful young woman.
I didn't notice her come in and she started screaming. "WHAT!!!, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE!!!, HOW COULD YOU?"
I said "please stop, let me explain. It's perfectly innocent."
I was driving home and noticed this beautiful girl sitting on the sidewalk crying. I asked her if she was ok and she said she has no money, she's hungry and has no place to go.
I brought her back home and found that dinner that I bought you last night from L&L. You said you don't want to eat it because its not healthy enough.
She was filthy so I told her she could take a shower.
She used the shampoo and body wash that my sister gave you but you didn't want it because you said its not hypo allergenic.
I let her dry herself with the towel my mom gave us for Christmas that you said you hate.
Her clothes were dirty so I threw them away. I gave her the clothes that I got you for your birthday that you don't use anymore because you say they're too tight.
That was all.
Then I walked her to the door.
She was so thankful, and asked "Is there anything else I can have that your wife doesn't use anymore?"
Post by: passivekinetic on August 21, 2013, 02:56:19 PM
Post by: 808gmac on August 21, 2013, 05:39:43 PM
Boy: Do you have one of this? (proudly pointing to his private part)
Girl: No, but my Mommy said, if I got this (pointing to her private part)...........I can get plenty of that.
Post by: passivekinetic on August 21, 2013, 06:07:55 PM
They had zebras, lions, different lizards, etc. from all over the world.
When they got to the porcupines, the zookeeper warned the matron not to get too close not to try touching the porcupines.
"So these are the North American porcupines," said the matron.
"Yes."
"And those over there are the African porcupines?"
"Yes that is correct M'am"
"One of them seems to have longer pricks than the other."
The zookeeper contemplated for a moment, and then replied:
"Well, perhaps their quills might be a bit longer, but I think their pricks are about the same."
Post by: Darmok and Jalad @Tanagra on August 22, 2013, 10:30:17 AM
Post by: passivekinetic on August 22, 2013, 12:51:46 PM
Post by: keliishaine on August 25, 2013, 11:07:27 PM
Post by: Darmok and Jalad @Tanagra on August 29, 2013, 11:41:48 PM
(http://i944.photobucket.com/albums/ad287/Doug_Moose/MilleyAtBirth_zps0b7f68d8.jpg) (http://s944.photobucket.com/user/Doug_Moose/media/MilleyAtBirth_zps0b7f68d8.jpg.html)
Post by: Jl808 on August 30, 2013, 08:22:18 AM
HR manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"
Old man: "Honesty."
HR Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
Old man: "I really don't give a rats ass what you think!"
Post by: Hi state on August 30, 2013, 08:38:19 AM
Separated at birth? ? ? ?Buwahaha that's a good one!!!
(http://i944.photobucket.com/albums/ad287/Doug_Moose/MilleyAtBirth_zps0b7f68d8.jpg) (http://s944.photobucket.com/user/Doug_Moose/media/MilleyAtBirth_zps0b7f68d8.jpg.html)
Post by: Bunker on August 30, 2013, 09:27:09 PM
A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Alabama.
Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force.
By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally
destroyed with only a burned hull left
smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone.
They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened.
They hurried over to the man's tractor.
"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath.
"Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine.
"Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?"
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself.
Took me most of the morning."
"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked.
"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't..
But you know how bad that sumbitch lies.
Post by: Aiea78 on September 04, 2013, 12:47:16 PM
The president had a temper tantrum and ordered a full investigation.
After a month of testing and after spending $1.73 million, a special presidential commission presented the following findings:
1. The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
3. People had been spitting on the wrong side.
Post by: Heavies on September 04, 2013, 04:27:34 PM
Post by: Bunker on September 13, 2013, 06:52:10 PM
A golfer hits his ball into a garden, next to the golf course. As he goes to get it a man in the garden says, "Don't you see the sign? It says, Private property - Stay Out!."
The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?"
The man says, "It's in my garden, so it's my ball now."
The golfer looks at the man and says, "I understand."
He then walks back to the golf trolley, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the garden.
The man says, "What is that for?"
The golfer replies, "I consider myself a gentleman, and I believe every prick should have two balls."
Post by: Bunker on September 13, 2013, 07:03:32 PM
(http://i1287.photobucket.com/albums/a632/Bunker9939/ATT00085_zps694c1ac2.jpg) (http://s1287.photobucket.com/user/Bunker9939/media/ATT00085_zps694c1ac2.jpg.html)
As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
(http://i1287.photobucket.com/albums/a632/Bunker9939/ATT00088_zps27764699.jpg) (http://s1287.photobucket.com/user/Bunker9939/media/ATT00088_zps27764699.jpg.html)
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
(http://i1287.photobucket.com/albums/a632/Bunker9939/ATT00091_zps703fe8c6.jpg) (http://s1287.photobucket.com/user/Bunker9939/media/ATT00091_zps703fe8c6.jpg.html)
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, “Must be doing well...Only two left!."
Post by: Jl808 on September 13, 2013, 07:14:40 PM
Post by: Jl808 on September 23, 2013, 12:59:25 PM
The wife says, "How does he know your name?
Dave says, "He's on my Thursday night bowling team!"
They go in and sit down, and a waitress cimes up and says, "Hi, Dave. Ready for your usual Budweiser?"
Wife says, " How does she know what you drink?"
Dave says, "She's on the ladies bowling team. They all know what I like."
Then a stripper runs up, and says, "Hi, Dave. Ready for your usual lap dance?"
The wife has had it! She storms out, jumps in a cab, and Dave runs after her. He gets into the cab and says, "Sweetheart, she mistook me for someone else!"
The cab driver turns around and says, "Damn, Dave! You picked up a real mean one tonight!"
Post by: passivekinetic on September 23, 2013, 07:58:12 PM
Post by: 808gmac on September 25, 2013, 08:47:33 AM
A couple's anniversary was coming up, and the wife wanted to do something they had never done before, so she took her husband to a strip club. They walked up to the door, and the doorman said, "Hi, Dave. how 'ya doing?"
The wife says, "How does he know your name?
Dave says, "He's on my Thursday night bowling team!"
They go in and sit down, and a waitress cimes up and says, "Hi, Dave. Ready for your usual Budweiser?"
Wife says, " How does she know what you drink?"
Dave says, "She's on the ladies bowling team. They all know what I like."
Then a stripper runs up, and says, "Hi, Dave. Ready for your usual lap dance?"
The wife has had it! She storms out, jumps in a cab, and Dave runs after her. He gets into the cab and says, "Sweetheart, she mistook me for someone else!"
The cab driver turns around and says, "Damn, Dave! You picked up a real mean one tonight!"
good one :thumbsup:
lol
Post by: Jl808 on October 06, 2013, 08:02:24 PM
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, There was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Senator came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Senator was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Senators lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
REMEMBER: POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON.
Post by: K30l4 on October 07, 2013, 03:56:21 PM
Post by: K30l4 on October 07, 2013, 03:56:45 PM
Post by: K30l4 on October 07, 2013, 03:56:54 PM
Post by: K30l4 on October 07, 2013, 03:57:03 PM
Post by: 230RN on October 12, 2013, 07:59:57 AM
Quote
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
Oh, just a minor correction:
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
<snarky grin>
Post by: Jl808 on October 18, 2013, 06:42:46 AM
Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball, stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.
"What did you do?", asks the doctor.
Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
Post by: Bunker on November 08, 2013, 05:11:10 PM
"Motel 6 front desk, how may I help you?"
" You need to send somebody up to my room, my husband is acting like a jerk and arguing with me and now he is threatening to jump out the window."
"I'm sorry Ma'am, that sounds like a personal issue."
"Listen here Mister, the window won't open and that's a maintenance issue!"
Post by: Rocky on November 18, 2013, 01:07:51 PM
:rofl: :rofl:
Post by: Inspector on November 21, 2013, 06:45:15 AM
After a recent wave of identity thefts, the FBI estimates there are over 500 fake Obamacare websites set up for the sole purpose of stealing your personal information. So protect yourself and remember: the real one is the one that doesn't work.
Post by: Jl808 on November 23, 2013, 12:05:50 AM
----------
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."
Post by: Jl808 on November 23, 2013, 01:31:36 AM
"Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?"
Post by: Kingkeoni on November 23, 2013, 03:18:22 AM
Post by: Jl808 on November 23, 2013, 05:47:32 PM
Agent: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.”
Rancher: “Well, there’s my hired hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
“Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90 percent of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also cooks dinner for my wife occasionally.”
Agent: “That’s the guy I want to talk to – the mentally challenged one.”
Rancher: “That would be me.”
Post by: Jl808 on November 24, 2013, 09:42:50 AM
Post by: Jl808 on November 25, 2013, 08:18:08 AM
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
Post by: Jl808 on November 27, 2013, 09:55:46 AM
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
Post by: Jl808 on December 14, 2013, 06:57:04 AM
The bartender says hey we got a drink named after you.
The grasshopper says you have a drink named STEVE?!?
Post by: macsak on December 14, 2013, 07:26:34 AM
A grasshopper walks into a bar.
The bartender says hey we got a drink named after you.
The grasshopper says you have a drink named STEVE?!?
are you calling me a grasshopper?
8)
Post by: 230RN on December 14, 2013, 10:45:37 AM
The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country.
USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't understand The Washington Post.
The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time.
The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country.
The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something scandalous.
The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that a country is a good idea in the first place.
The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.
The Denver Post is read by people who live in the Southwest, which readers of the other newspapers don't think is part of the country.
Post by: passivekinetic on December 14, 2013, 11:07:52 AM
Post by: Jl808 on December 14, 2013, 11:14:46 AM
There were these two blondes driving along the highway looking for a place to stop and picnic.
The first blonde says "Let's stop here, and have our picnic under that tree". The other says "No! Let's have it right here in the middle of the road". They argued about it for a bit, but finally agreed to have it in the middle of the road. All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards them and has to swerve into the tree to keep from hitting them. The one blonde says to the other "See? If we were under that tree, we'd be dead now!"
Post by: 230RN on December 14, 2013, 11:25:16 AM
Post by: Kingkeoni on December 14, 2013, 07:12:51 PM
Who Reads Newspapers?
The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country.
USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't understand The Washington Post.
The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time.
The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country.
The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something scandalous.
The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that a country is a good idea in the first place.
The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.
The Denver Post is read by people who live in the Southwest, which readers of the other newspapers don't think is part of the country.
And the Honolulu Advertiser is read by a bunch of liberal nimrods who shouldn't even be running their state.
Post by: Jl808 on December 16, 2013, 05:06:56 PM
"Women and children first!" Reagan shouted.
"**** the women!" said Nixon.
"Do you think we have enough time for that?" asked Clinton.
Post by: Jl808 on December 16, 2013, 05:09:02 PM
"Father, I kinda took a little lumber from that new construction site."
Priest: "What did you do with the lumber, my son?"
Boudreaux: "Well, Father, my porch, she's had a hole for a long time. I'm 'fraid someone will break their leg, so I fix the hole."
Priest: "Well, that's not so bad."
Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left."
Priest: "What did you do with it?"
Boudreaux: "Well, my poor dog, Phideaux, he ain't never had no place to get outta the weather, so I make him his own little doghouse."
Priest: "OK, anything else?"
Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left. So you know, my truck, she ain't never had no place to get outta de weather either, so I make her a two-car garage."
Priest: "Now, this is getting a little out of hand."
Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I still had a little lumber left."
Priest: "Yes?"
Boudreaux: "Well, my wife, she always want a bigger house. So I add two bedrooms and a new bathroom."
Priest: "OK! That's definitely too much. For your penance, you are going to have to make a Novena. You do know how to make a Novena, don't you?"
Boudreaux: "No, Father ... but if you got the plans, I got the lumber."
Post by: 230RN on December 17, 2013, 04:35:55 PM
(Prolly 'cause I told them too many jokes like that.) >:D
I ain't signin' this one so nobody will know who posted it.
Post by: wirecounter on December 17, 2013, 07:23:57 PM
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.
Well, he said, 'It's what mummy calls me sometimes'.
The little girl screams to her brother
'Don't eat it, it's an asshole..
Post by: oldfart on December 17, 2013, 10:49:36 PM
I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well’ for my age. (I will soon turn Sixty -Three).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 86?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating,
sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said...He looked at me and said,..'Then, why do you even give a SHIT?
Post by: passivekinetic on December 19, 2013, 10:32:13 AM
Post by: passivekinetic on December 19, 2013, 10:44:24 AM
toes go in first.
Post by: 230RN on December 20, 2013, 10:05:08 AM
Post by: Bunker on December 20, 2013, 12:47:44 PM
An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s testicle, put in in another man's scrotum and in 6 weeks, he is out looking for work."
The German doctor says: "That’s nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man's head, and in 4 weeks he is out looking for work."
The Russian doctor says: “Comrades, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another man's chest and in 2 weeks he is out looking for work."
The United States doctor laughs: "Y'all are way, way behind us. Five years ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart and no balls and made him President. Now, the whole country is out looking for work!"
Post by: Jl808 on December 21, 2013, 08:08:43 AM
A. The US of Eh!
Post by: 230RN on December 21, 2013, 12:58:54 PM
Both gut-busters!
But all too true.
Post by: Jl808 on December 22, 2013, 09:54:43 PM
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too. :lol
Post by: Heavies on December 24, 2013, 07:59:47 AM
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
Post by: Darmok and Jalad @Tanagra on December 24, 2013, 10:51:47 AM
She asked if I thought she should get a boob job.
I said, "Save the money! Just take toilet paper and rub it between your boobs a few times every day."
She asked, "You really think that will make my boobs bigger?"
I said, "I don't know, but it sure worked on your ass!"
I don't remember very much after that...
Post by: Heavies on December 24, 2013, 03:57:11 PM
I said "don't worry, you don't have enough ammo to shoot that butt off!"
Post by: Jl808 on December 27, 2013, 08:30:14 AM
http://youtu.be/UTEswkc4lPs
Post by: Jl808 on December 27, 2013, 08:48:20 AM
After the service a congregant asked him, "I understood your sermon, but aren't you contradicting yourself by carrying a gun? You did say you are supposed to let the Lord fight your battles for you?"
"I do", said the priest "the gun is just to hold them off until the Lord gets here".
Post by: Dolomite on December 27, 2013, 10:04:27 AM
One buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.
However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."
Well, here it is :
*You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.
* You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.
* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.
* You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.
* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.
*You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.
* Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.
* You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Facebook.
* You are at a party; this attractive older man walks up to you and grabs your ass.
That's former President Bill Clinton.
* You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended and you are awarded a settlement.
That's America!
"In God We Trust"
Post by: Jl808 on December 27, 2013, 10:41:02 AM
Post by: Kingkeoni on January 02, 2014, 09:06:23 PM
Post by: Q on January 02, 2014, 11:01:35 PM
Post by: Jl808 on January 03, 2014, 02:01:38 AM
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If h e failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why she would ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "
Post by: Mr. Farknocker on January 03, 2014, 04:13:32 PM
Male Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"
The Princess immediately said, "No!"
And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women, and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony, and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns, and ate spam and potato chips and beans, and blew enormous farts, and never got cheated on while he was at work, and all his friends and family thought he was friggin’ cool as hell, and he had tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up.
The End.
Post by: Kingkeoni on January 05, 2014, 01:54:46 PM
Post by: Kingkeoni on January 05, 2014, 02:00:57 PM
Post by: Jl808 on January 07, 2014, 09:02:53 PM
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that blond from the accounts office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer. :shock:
Post by: wirecounter on January 21, 2014, 10:28:54 AM
After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the policeman."Just follow me". He leads the American down a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"
"No sir," replied the police officer, "that is what we call the French Embassy."
Post by: Jl808 on January 21, 2014, 11:57:35 AM
During her physical examination, a doctor asked a middle-aged woman about her physical activity level. The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week, in the outdoors.
"Well, yesterday afternoon was typical: I took a five-hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees. I ran away from an irate mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine.
Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoor woman!"
"No," the woman replied, "I'm just a really, really BAD golfer."
Post by: Kingkeoni on January 25, 2014, 02:23:51 PM
Ms Pacman,
For 25 cents she swallowed balls till she died.
Post by: bubba808 on January 26, 2014, 09:16:37 PM
not a joke but funny arabs wit ak's
Post by: bubba808 on February 04, 2014, 06:09:53 PM
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had Type A blood, but it was a Type O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
Energizer Bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Post by: Bunker on February 17, 2014, 09:07:22 PM
The indian put his ear to the ground and shouts out ''buffalo come''
The lone ranger replies ''How on God's earth did you know that?''
''Ear stuck to ground '' the indian says...
Post by: K30l4 on February 17, 2014, 09:28:46 PM
The lone ranger and his Indian friend are walking through the desert when the lone ranger exclaims ''I'm starving wheres that herd of cows you promised?''
The indian put his ear to the ground and shouts out ''buffalo come''
The lone ranger replies ''How on God's earth did you know that?''
''Ear stuck to ground '' the indian says...
Eeeew! Sticky! Lol!
Post by: Kingkeoni on February 17, 2014, 11:17:26 PM
Post by: Kingkeoni on February 20, 2014, 02:48:01 PM
Post by: Darmok and Jalad @Tanagra on February 22, 2014, 08:57:34 PM
Post by: Darmok and Jalad @Tanagra on February 22, 2014, 09:14:58 PM
Post by: Dolomite on February 25, 2014, 05:11:31 PM
Post by: Bunker on February 27, 2014, 04:26:06 PM
Post by: Kingkeoni on March 07, 2014, 04:20:07 AM
I was walking by the mental hospital one day and I heard all the patients saying "13", "13", "13", "13".
I was thinking "why are they saying that"
I wanted to look over the wall but it was too high to climb.
I noticed a hole in the wall and looked to see why they were saying that.
Just as I put my eye to the hole, one of those idiots poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started saying "14", "14", "14"...
Post by: Bunker on March 14, 2014, 01:23:55 PM
The Postal Services created a stamp with a Barry picture on it.
The Postal Service noticed that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.
This enraged the Barry, who demanded a full investigation.
After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:
1.The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the glue.
3. People are spitting on the wrong side.
Post by: WTF?Shane on March 14, 2014, 03:30:38 PM
Post by: kekoa on March 21, 2014, 03:05:29 PM
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!
Post by: Bunker on March 21, 2014, 04:59:36 PM
(http://i1287.photobucket.com/albums/a632/Bunker9939/PutinGirls_zpsc863125c.jpg) (http://s1287.photobucket.com/user/Bunker9939/media/PutinGirls_zpsc863125c.jpg.html)
Post by: aieahound on March 24, 2014, 09:04:47 AM
Gets to the door, man answers.
Kid : " Twick or Tweat"
Man : " Well what are you supposed to be ?"
Kid : " I'm a piwate "
Man: " A pirate huh ? Well where are your bucaneers ? "
Kid: " Under my Buckin' Hat ! "
Post by: Jl808 on March 24, 2014, 10:07:50 AM
The Chinese says: "Thank you!" for which the Caucasian replies: "Thank you too!"
Embarrassed, the Chinese says: "Thank you three!" At this point, the Caucasian is puzzled: "What are you thanking me for?"
The Chinese replies: "Thank you five!"
Post by: aieahound on March 24, 2014, 12:20:27 PM
One evening, not long after the honeymoon, he was getting his equipment ready for an upcoming hunt.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand-loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"You were beginning to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
He replied, "I wasn’t." O0
.
Post by: K30l4 on March 24, 2014, 12:48:45 PM
An Avid Sportsman and hunter, Tim decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.
One evening, not long after the honeymoon, he was getting his equipment ready for an upcoming hunt.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand-loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"You were beginning to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
He replied, "I wasn’t." O0
.
Lol! I like it! :shaka:
Post by: Bunker on March 24, 2014, 07:06:28 PM
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own damn blanket.'
After a moment of silence, He Farted.
Post by: Jl808 on March 24, 2014, 07:15:01 PM
Post by: 230RN on March 29, 2014, 09:40:20 PM
the man said:” I wish you'd build a bridge from here to Hawaii so I could drive there anytime"
The genie frowned" I don't know. It sounds like quite an undertaking,” he said. "Just think of the logistics. The supports required reaching the bottom of the ocean, the concrete, and the steel! Why don't you pick something else?"
The man thought for a while and then said, "Okay, I wish for a complete understanding of women- what they are thinking, why they cry. I wish I knew how to make a woman truly happy".
The genie was silent for a minute, then said "So how many lanes did you want on that bridge?"
Post by: aieahound on March 31, 2014, 11:30:52 AM
Pulls out a tiny piano and 1 foot tall guy who starts playing it.
Bartender is amazed and asks how he came upon this tiny guy that can the play the piano so beautifully.
Man says:
" Well, I found a lamp on the beach one day and when I rubbed it a genie came out,
He offered me 1 wish, but I think he was hard of hearing.
He thought I wished for a 12 inch pianist"
.
Post by: Jl808 on April 19, 2014, 06:05:21 AM
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I hunt."
Post by: passivekinetic on April 20, 2014, 07:39:48 PM
Bartender is amazed that this guy has the smallest head on a person he has ever seen.
The guy looks at the bartender staring at him and says "I bet you're wondering why I look like this."
The bartender says, "Well, the thought had crossed my mind."
The guy says, "I was walking down the beach one day and there was this bottle. I uncorked it and this super voluptuous genie with huge tits and sexy pouty lips came out of it and asked me what I wanted most of all from her."
Post by: Kingkeoni on April 21, 2014, 06:42:07 AM
Guy sits down at the bar.
Bartender is amazed that this guy has the smallest head on a person he has ever seen.
The guy looks at the bartender staring at him and says "I bet you're wondering why I look like this."
The bartender says, "Well, the thought had crossed my mind."
The guy says, "I was walking down the beach one day and there was this bottle. I uncorked it and this super voluptuous genie with huge tits and sexy pouty lips came out of it and asked me what I wanted most of all from her."
Hahaha
Post by: Kingkeoni on April 21, 2014, 06:47:59 AM
(Nobody stands up)
She says: "come on now, someone must think they're stupid"
Little Johnny stands up.
Teacher says: "So, you think you're stupid?"
Johnny says: "No Ma'am, I just feel bad for you standing up all alone"
Post by: talula on April 21, 2014, 08:36:06 AM
A teacher tells her elementary school class: "Anyone who thinks they're stupid, please stand up"? I expect better from you KK
(Nobody stands up)
She says: "come on now, someone must think they're stupid"
Little Johnny stands up.
Teacher says: "So, you think you're stupid?"
Johnny says: "No Ma'am, I just feelandfor you standing up all alone"
Post by: Jl808 on May 08, 2014, 06:39:39 PM
Post by: Bunker on May 09, 2014, 08:15:09 PM
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
Post by: wirecounter on May 09, 2014, 09:46:50 PM
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Post by: Jl808 on May 09, 2014, 10:35:26 PM
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried female friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, no panties, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.....
My Engaged Friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The Mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I Had To Share My Story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said....
"What's for dinner, Zorro?"
Post by: edster48 on May 10, 2014, 08:22:20 AM
The Black Bra (as told by a woman):
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried female friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, no panties, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.....
My Engaged Friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The Mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I Had To Share My Story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said....
"What's for dinner, Zorro?"
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Post by: Rocky on May 11, 2014, 08:22:32 AM
Blonde Paint Job:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Post by: Jl808 on May 12, 2014, 12:43:36 PM
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.
So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your girl friend whipped my butt with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
Post by: Kingkeoni on May 12, 2014, 08:34:34 PM
They both need to be changed, and for the same reason.
Post by: edster48 on May 13, 2014, 05:41:44 AM
The United States of America.
Post by: Inspector on May 18, 2014, 06:29:30 PM
"My dog is smarter than your president"
Post by: wirecounter on May 18, 2014, 07:54:40 PM
When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 25 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.
However, on the afternoon of their 25th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were three empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was curious as to why.
That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula, and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened but temptation does happen and I guess that three times is not that bad considering the years." So they hugged and made their peace.
Then Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered sheepishly, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."
Post by: stangzilla on June 04, 2014, 11:25:19 AM
it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know, but you know deserves it...
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying 'Hello.'
I politely said, '
This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn
Carter?'
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out
in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone
could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call
her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled ;
'You're an asshole!' And hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to
it, And put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really
bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!' It always
cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic
'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and
said;
'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
He yelled 'NO!' And slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said;
'That's because you're an asshole!' And hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to
pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and
pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and
yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his
number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole
(I had his number on speed dial)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said;
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said,'Yes, it is.'
I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. , in Fairfax
It's a yellow ranch style house And the car's parked right out in
front.'
I asked, 'What's your name?'
He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said; 'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said, 'Yes?'
I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!'
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when
I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an
idea...
I called asshole #1. He said, 'Hello' I said, 'You're an
asshole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, 'Are you still there?'
I said, 'Yeah!'
He screamed, 'Stop calling me'
I said, 'Make me.'
He asked, 'Who are you?'
I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax, a
yellow ranch style home and I have
a black Beamer parked in front.'
He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.
He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, asshole,'
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass'
I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called
the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd, in
Fairfax, to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 7 News about the
gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .
I quickly got into my car and headed over to
Fairfax .
I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the
crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news
helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work!
Post by: wirecounter on June 04, 2014, 01:35:37 PM
A) "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"
Post by: mauidog on June 04, 2014, 04:53:23 PM
The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where Upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russian."
Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences.
After 10 minutes of battle, again Silence.
The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians"
The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill.
Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought....
Then Silence.
Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander:
"Don't send any more men......it's a trap. There's two of them."
Post by: 230RN on June 08, 2014, 07:29:46 PM
Guy sits down at the bar.
Bartender is amazed that this guy has the smallest head on a person he has ever seen.
The guy looks at the bartender staring at him and says "I bet you're wondering why I look like this."
The bartender says, "Well, the thought had crossed my mind."
The guy says, "I was walking down the beach one day and there was this bottle. I uncorked it and this super voluptuous genie with huge tits and sexy pouty lips came out of it and asked me what I wanted most of all from her."
"How about a little sex?" I said.
She says, "I'd love that, Master, but as you can see, I'm nothing but green smoke from the waist down."
"Ok," I says, "Then how about a little head."
Post by: mauidog on June 13, 2014, 04:50:00 PM
and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket.
All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be able to make it
home where his wife would be waiting to pick him up.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in
and explained his situation to the driver. He promised to send the driver money from home.
He even offered him his drivers license number, his address, etc...
The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and barely made his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success,
returned to Vegas, and this time he won BIG! Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out
to the front of the casino to find a cab to take him to the airport. Well who should he see,
at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride
when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment, and he came up with a plan...
The businessman got in the first cab at the front of the line.
"How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?
"Fifteen bucks," replied the driver.
"And how much for you to give me a blowjob?"
"What?! Get the hell out of my cab!!!"
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions,
always with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked,
"How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks."
The businessman said, "OK," and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs,
the businessman gave a big smile and a thumbs up to the other drivers!
:thumbsup:
Post by: Jl808 on June 13, 2014, 08:04:32 PM
Post by: Jl808 on June 22, 2014, 10:47:59 PM
For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of BEER and the invention of the WHEEL. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required more grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement...
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. They became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the Elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the Jackass (for obvious reasons).
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Sam Adams or Aviator. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots, brewers, and generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history:
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off. And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.....I'm going to have another beer.
Post by: Heavies on June 23, 2014, 06:25:53 AM
Post by: Bunker on June 24, 2014, 04:39:00 PM
Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home.
(http://i1287.photobucket.com/albums/a632/Bunker9939/ATT1_zpsb9feeb58.jpg) (http://s1287.photobucket.com/user/Bunker9939/media/ATT1_zpsb9feeb58.jpg.html)
Post by: mauidog on June 26, 2014, 08:05:20 PM
The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.
The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense!! Who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did."
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at having the sex in the bed than you."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth: "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Senora....The gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much of a raise would you need?"
:rofl:
Post by: TastesLikeMetal on June 26, 2014, 08:42:16 PM
Because they think we give a shit...
Post by: Inspector on July 06, 2014, 05:07:22 AM
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !
That person puts up his hand and says,
"I am from Middle East. I am not American."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa .."
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says:
"Probably at work."
Post by: Inspector on July 06, 2014, 05:10:32 AM
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. Â "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."
Post by: wirecounter on July 08, 2014, 09:33:54 PM
A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . It's 11:00 AM on a Wednesday.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !
That person puts up his hand and says,
"I am from Middle East. I am not American."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa .."
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says:
"Probably at work."
Not funny :(
Post by: Kingkeoni on July 23, 2014, 05:24:44 AM
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
The angel answered, "Those are the lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh" said the man, "Whose clock is that."
The angel said, "That's mother Theresa's clock, the hands have never moved, indicating she has never told a lie."
"Incredible" said the man.
The angel pointed out another clock. "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock, the hands have moved twice, telling us that he has lied twice in his entire life."
"Where's Obama's clock?" The man asked.
The angel replied, "His clock is in Jesus' office, he's using it as a ceiling fan"
Post by: 2aHawaii on July 24, 2014, 07:49:01 AM
Post by: Kingkeoni on July 24, 2014, 08:21:19 PM
Post by: Jl808 on July 27, 2014, 08:16:40 AM
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ....
why don't we just give them ours?
It was written by a lot of really smart guys,
it has worked for over 200 years,
and we're not using it anymore.
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post:
'Thou Shalt Not Steal'
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and
'Thou Shall Not Lie'
in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians.
It creates a hostile work environment.
Post by: Jl808 on August 31, 2014, 01:17:54 AM
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.'
Post by: Inspector on September 26, 2014, 12:48:34 PM
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.
After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview. The Chief Deputy said,"You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted.
We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son." Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.
"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"
Post by: Jl808 on September 27, 2014, 09:39:52 AM
-----
Great Truths & Possibly the 5 Best Sentences
GREAT TRUTHS
1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress. -- John Adams
2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. -- Mark Twain
3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain
4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -- Winston Churchill
5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw
6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon Liddy
7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -- Frederic Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850)
11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan (1986)
12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -- Will Rogers
13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! -- P.J. O'Rourke
14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -- Voltaire (1764)
15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! -- Pericles (430 B.C.)
16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -- Mark Twain (1866)
17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. -- Anonymous
18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -- Ronald Reagan
19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -- Winston Churchill
20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. --Mark Twain
21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
22. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress. -- Mark Twain
23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. -- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)
24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. -- Thomas Jefferson
25. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. -- Aesop
FIVE BEST SENTENCES
1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealth out of prosperity.
2. What one person receives without working for...another person must work for without receiving.
3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.
4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.
5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work, because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation!
Post by: mauidog on September 30, 2014, 12:02:49 AM
A: It took 95% of the Obama/Biden bumper stickers off the road!
:thumbsup:
Post by: Kingkeoni on October 04, 2014, 08:12:30 AM
Post by: Jl808 on October 10, 2014, 12:05:22 AM
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
**************************************************
A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother."
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER."
**************************************************
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress.
**************************************************
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?*
Stress is when wife is pregnant,*
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,*
and Panic is when both are pregnant.*
**************************************************
A woman asks man who is traveling with six children, "Are all these kids yours?"*
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints".
**************************************************
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"*
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."
**************************************************
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
Post by: mauidog on October 10, 2014, 07:53:39 PM
I yelled, "Good legs!"
The girl smiled and asked me, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!!"
:D
Post by: mauidog on October 10, 2014, 08:17:54 PM
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
Post by: mauidog on October 10, 2014, 10:05:15 PM
what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose
patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Post by: Bunker on October 13, 2014, 07:25:23 PM
(http://i1287.photobucket.com/albums/a632/Bunker9939/16FEB2014/funny-halloween-pumpkins-gloriousmindcom-4_zpsccb97d19.jpg) (http://s1287.photobucket.com/user/Bunker9939/media/16FEB2014/funny-halloween-pumpkins-gloriousmindcom-4_zpsccb97d19.jpg.html)
Post by: Kingkeoni on October 26, 2014, 07:27:27 AM
"I'm from Oahu."
"Me too! I'll drink to that."
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where on Oahu are you from?"
"Kapahulu."
"Me too! I'll drink to that."
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Kapahulu are you from?"
"By Diamond Head."
"By Diamond Head? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!"
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where by Diamond Head are you from?"
"Kepuhi Street."
"Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that."
As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Kapahulu. What's going on?"
"Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender."It's just the Souza twins getting sloshed again."
Post by: Jl808 on October 30, 2014, 05:21:54 AM
I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.
One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."
His buddy says: "Dude, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."
A fellow about my age (60+), sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that sh1t."
Post by: Jl808 on October 30, 2014, 05:27:20 AM
The receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
He replied, "There's something wrong with my dick."
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong, and I told you."
The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
"You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone," the man said. Then he walked out and waited several minutes before re-entering.
The receptionist smiled smugly and said, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear."
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it..."
Post by: one2boost on October 30, 2014, 06:22:06 AM
Somehow she heard the waiting customer asked the question and with the dumbfounded look on the salesman'/service writer's face, She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She said that she did not know what it was but this piece had always been there.
He gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. The salesman/service writer still confused at what engine part the drawing was supposed to be.
The blonde lady went on explaining every engine she seen has one. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."
Click here (http://assets.hightimes.com/071013oil_03.jpg) to see the engine part she needed.
Post by: GotFirearms? on October 30, 2014, 08:18:26 AM
A few days ago I was having some work done at Lex Brodies on Queen Street . I was sitting in the little waiting area with other customers messing with my phone and just having some small talk with others to kill some time. A blonde came in spoke to the salesperson/service writer and asked for a "seven-hundred-ten thingy". We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
Somehow she heard the waiting customer asked the question and with the dumbfounded look on the salesman'/service writer's face, She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She said that she did not know what it was but this piece had always been there.
He gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. The salesman/service writer still confused at what engine part the drawing was supposed to be.
The blonde lady went on explaining every engine she seen has one. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."
Click here (http://assets.hightimes.com/071013oil_03.jpg) to see the engine part she needed.
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: hahahahaha good one :shaka:
Post by: Jl808 on October 30, 2014, 09:12:56 AM
Post by: Jl808 on November 15, 2014, 01:34:17 PM
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night.
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast ?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John !" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Post by: stangzilla on November 19, 2014, 12:54:15 PM
Quote from: Mr Chubbs;1561045
I know. It's an oldie.... :)
An aged Sioux Indian, a weathered cowboy and a 20's something Muslim man were sitting on a bus stop bench waiting for the next bus. In an effort to stimulate conversation, the old warrior says: "Once my people roamed the plains. We were a great people, a feared enemy, we were very many." He paused in his reflection. "But now we are few."
The young Muslim man spoke up. "Once my people were few and rarely ventured beyond an extended area of arid lands in the Middle East. Now we are many and are known throughout the world!" Then, with a sly look at the old Sioux brave, he asked with a sneer, "I wonder why that is?".
The old cowboy leaned back, crossed his outstretched legs by placing one dusty worn boot heel on the ankle of the shaft of his opposing boot. Pulling his left hand from his jeans pocket, he removed the tooth pick from his lips and studied it briefly before replying to the Muslim's statement.
"'Why is it that you folks is so many' you ask?" Drawls the old cowboy. "Prob'ly 'cause we ain't played cowboys and Muslims yet."
Post by: mauidog on November 20, 2014, 01:23:31 PM
Post by: Jl808 on November 23, 2014, 07:28:16 AM
The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was remarkable because it cost these low-income recruits $30 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge.
The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.
Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you has da normal GI insurance and you goes to Afghanistan and gets youself killed, da governmen' pays you benefishery $20,000. If you takes out da supplemental insurans, which cost you only tirty dollars a munt, den da governmen gots to pay you benefishery $400,000!"
"Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which folks do you tink dey gonna send to Afghanistan first?
Post by: Jl808 on December 10, 2014, 09:54:51 PM
Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business.
In response, the local Baptist Church across the street started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church. Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground.
After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."
But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means." In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented: "I don't know how the heck I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bull."
Post by: Kingkeoni on December 20, 2014, 02:42:55 AM
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
Post by: mauidog on December 31, 2014, 06:49:44 PM
Post by: mauidog on January 02, 2015, 10:25:50 PM
Post by: Heavies on January 05, 2015, 09:38:50 AM
As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.
And I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down.
Post by: 230RN on January 10, 2015, 05:44:44 AM
Post by: mauidog on January 10, 2015, 11:19:23 PM
A: Burning that shit can get you stoned!
Post by: Jl808 on January 15, 2015, 08:57:48 PM
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.
Post by: mauidog on January 16, 2015, 08:36:21 PM
Post by: Inspector on January 22, 2015, 08:00:03 AM
http://safeshare.tv/w/LbPrqyRwwI (http://safeshare.tv/w/LbPrqyRwwI)
Post by: mauidog on January 29, 2015, 04:50:33 PM
The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying,
“No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I’ve been in a whorehouse all day.”
The second barber turned to Bush and said, “How about you sir?”
Bush replied, “Go ahead; my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”
:rofl: :wave: :rofl: :wave: :rofl:
Post by: hvybarrels on January 29, 2015, 10:11:35 PM
Post by: mauidog on February 06, 2015, 06:41:17 PM
The man stood at the bar and yelled, "Who in here has been screwing my wife?"
A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, "You're gonna need more ammo!"
Just one more example of why you need high-capacity firearms.
>:D
Post by: Rocky on February 08, 2015, 05:27:36 PM
Maybe I should submit with my CCW application. :rofl:
Post by: talula on February 08, 2015, 08:04:18 PM
A. He doesn't have to beg is wife to blow his paycheck.
Post by: 230RN on February 10, 2015, 11:03:40 PM
A man received the following text from his neighbor...
"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess:
I have been helping myself to your wife day and night when you're not around. In fact, I have probably been getting more than you. I do not get it at home - but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt, and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen again."
The man, anguished and enraged, was just about to go confront his wife about her infidelity when a few moments later, a second text came in: "Damn Auto spell! Sorry Bob, the second sentence should read, 'your WiFi"...
Terry, 230RN
Post by: Inspector on February 20, 2015, 04:51:26 PM
https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=861722750536079 (https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=861722750536079)
Enjoy!
Post by: mauidog on February 22, 2015, 08:13:37 AM
Post by: Inspector on February 27, 2015, 07:35:14 AM
http://www.latestapplenews.com/news/wankband-by-pornhub (http://www.latestapplenews.com/news/wankband-by-pornhub)
Enjoy!!!
Post by: Inspector on March 16, 2015, 07:23:33 AM
“…if you have an AK47:
-It works though you have never cleaned it. Ever.
-You are able to hit the broad side of a barn
-Cheap mags are fun to buy.
-Your safety can be heard from 300 meters away.
-Your rifle comes with a cheap nylon sling
-Your bayonet makes a good wire cutter.
-You can put a .30” hole through 12” of oak, if you can hit it.
-When out of ammo your rifle will nominally pass as a club.
-Recoil is manageable, even fun.
-Your sight adjustment goes to “10”, and you’ve never bothered moving it.
-Your rifle can be used by any two bit nation’s most illiterate conscripts to fight elite forces worldwide.
-You paid $350.
-You buy cheap ammo by the case.
-You can intimidate your foe with the bayonet mounted.
-Service life, 50 years.
-It’s easier to buy a new rifle when you want to change cartridge sizes.
-You can repair your rifle with a big hammer and a swift kick.
-You consider it a badge of honor when you get your handguards to burst into flames.
-After a long day the range you relax by watching “Red Dawn”.
-After cleaning your rifle you have a strong urge for a stiff shot of Vodka.
-You can accessorize you rifle with a new muzzle brake or a nice stock set.
-Your rifle’s finish is varnish and paint.
-Your wife tolerates your autographed framed picture of Mikhail Kalashnikov.
-Late at night you sometimes have to fight the urge to hold your rifle over your head and shout “Wolverines!”
…if you have an M16:
-You have $9 per ounce special non-detergent synthetic Teflon infused oil for cleaning.
-You are able to hit the broad side of a barn from 600 meters
-Cheap mags melt.
-You can silently flip off the safety with your finger on the trigger
-Your rifle has a 9 point stealth tactical suspension system.
-Your bayonet is actually a pretty good steak knife.
-You can put one hole in a paper target at 100 meters with 30 rounds.
-When out of ammo, your rifle makes a great wiffle bat.
-What’s recoil?
-Your sight adjustment is incremented in fractions of minute of angle.
-Your rifle is used by elite forces worldwide to fight two bit nations’ most illiterate conscripts.
-You paid $900.
-You lovingly reload precision crafted rounds one by one.
-Your foes laugh when you mount your bayonet.
-Service life, 40 years.
-You can change cartridge sizes with the push of a couple of pins and a new upper.
-You can repair your rifle by taking it to a certified gunsmith, it’s under warranty!
-You consider it a badge of honor when you shoot a sub-MOA 5 shot group.
- After a long day at the range you relax by watching “Blackhawk Down”.
-After cleaning your rifle you have a strong urge for hotdogs and apple pie.
-Your rifle’s accessories cost eight times as much as your rifle.
-Your rifle’s finish is Teflon and high tech polymers.
-Your wife tolerates your autographed framed picture of Eugene Stoner.
-Late at night you sometimes have to fight the urge to clear your house, slicing the pie from room to room.
…if you have a Mosin Nagant:
-It was last cleaned in Berlin in 1945.
-You are able to hit the broad side of a barn…from two counties away.
-What’s a mag?
-What’s a safety?
-Your rifle has dog collars.
-Your bayonet is longer than your leg.
-You can knock down everyone else’s target with the shock wave of your bullet going downrange.
-When out of ammo, your rifle makes a supreme war club, pike, boat oar, or tent pole
-Recoil is often used to relocate shoulders thrown out by the previous shot.
-Your sight adjustment goes to 12 miles and you’ve actually tried it.
-Your rifle has fought against itself and won every time.
-You paid $59.95.
-You dig your ammo out of a farmer’s field in Ukraine and it works just fine.
-You can bayonet your foe on the other side of the river without leaving the comfort of your fighting hole.
-Service life, 100 years, and counting.
-You believe no real man would dare risk the ridicule of his friends by suggesting there is anything but 7.62x54r.
-If your rifle breaks, you buy a new one.
-You consider it a badge of honor when you cycle 5 rounds without the aid of a 2x4.
-After a long day at the range you relax by watching “Enemy At The Gates”.
-After cleaning your rifle you have a strong urge for shishkabob.
-Your rifle’s accessory is a small tin can with a funny lid, but it’s buried under an apartment building somewhere in Budapest.
-Your rifle’s finish is low grade shellac, cosmoline and Olga’s toe nail polish.
-You’re not sure there WERE cameras to photograph Sergei Mosin.
-Late at night, you sometimes have to fight the urge to dig a fighting trench in the the yard to sleep in.”
Post by: dustoff003 on March 16, 2015, 08:08:35 AM
Post by: Inspector on March 16, 2015, 08:14:24 AM
^ nice Inspector I have all 3 do I get a prize?So if you have all three I guess that makes you a proud American, a Socialist and a Pinko Commie!!!! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
"No soup for you" - Soup Nazi
But really, which is your favorite?
Post by: dustoff003 on March 16, 2015, 09:06:49 AM
But really, which is your favorite?
1) AK (milled receiver, 7.62x39mm cal.) she puts a smile on my face
2) M-N 91/30 if I could shoot a hundred rounds at a setting it would be #1
3) AR (it is what is it) doesn't have a soul like the ole M-N does a lot can be said about steel and wood vs Al and plastic
Post by: Inspector on March 16, 2015, 09:42:17 AM
...2) M-N 91/30 if I could shoot a hundred rounds at a setting it would be #1...That is what they make sissy pads for!!! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: I used to put a sissy pad on mine so I could shoot it all day. My shoulder still hurt but not as bad even after 100 or 200 or 400 rounds. But seriously if you reload PM me and I can make some recommendations on loading reduced loads for your Mosin. Now I can shoot it all day even without the recoil reducing pad.
Post by: Inspector on March 24, 2015, 02:40:26 PM
Post by: Inspector on March 26, 2015, 07:48:13 PM
When you are over sixty who gives a shit.....
This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said,
"Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
When you are over sixty, who gives a shit?
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut,
you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there
instead of you."
When you are over sixty, who gives a shit?
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a
woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling, she began to lose patience and
said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
When you are over sixty, who gives a shit?
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over sixty, who gives a shit?
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I
said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "
When you are over sixty, who gives a shit?
Post by: passivekinetic on March 27, 2015, 09:36:07 AM
Post by: passivekinetic on March 27, 2015, 09:43:28 AM
LOL
http://www.theverge.com/2015/3/25/8277743/tinder-hack-bros-swiping-bros (http://www.theverge.com/2015/3/25/8277743/tinder-hack-bros-swiping-bros)
Post by: Kingkeoni on April 14, 2015, 04:40:13 AM
Post by: Jl808 on April 14, 2015, 04:05:21 PM
Post by: Kingkeoni on April 29, 2015, 11:43:42 AM
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=QR465HoCWFQ
Post by: oldfart on April 29, 2015, 12:39:24 PM
This video will help people just in case they encounter a police officer....
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=QR465HoCWFQ (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=QR465HoCWFQ)
This is pretty old, but still one of my all time fav vids.
My other fav comedy vids are mencia how to get a job.
1-555-GET-A-YOB (http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x24l5h)
Also triumph at the star wars premiere
www.youtube.com/watch?v=1RGohIKxc9M (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1RGohIKxc9M#)
Post by: dirtylickins on April 29, 2015, 03:18:19 PM
Post by: mauidog on May 01, 2015, 06:32:07 PM
The next day, the farmer drove up to Chuck’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”
Chuck replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Chuck said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”
Chuck said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”
Chuck said, “Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”
Chuck said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars apiece and made a profit of $2,495.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Chuck said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.”
Chuck grew up and now works for the government. :rofl:
Post by: Kingkeoni on May 11, 2015, 08:49:41 PM
Post by: macsak on May 11, 2015, 08:54:31 PM
A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.
The next day, the farmer drove up to Chuck’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”
Chuck replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Chuck said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”
Chuck said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”
Chuck said, “Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”
Chuck said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars apiece and made a profit of $2,495.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Chuck said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.”
Chuck grew up and now works for the government. :rofl:
he actually only made a profit of $2,245.00
:wave:
Post by: mauidog on May 11, 2015, 11:16:22 PM
he actually only made a profit of $2,245.00
:wave:
He still wants a horse, so he'll need to spend about $250 from the raffle income for another live horse. That assumes $250 is the going rate for the horse he wants.
The dead horse might still have value it there's a glue factory nearby. Since he refunded the winning ticket, he still owns that horse.
That means he's up $1995 cash after paying for the replacement horse and ticket refund, but add back on top of that whatever the dead horse is worth.
But then again, it's a joke.
(http://i.imgur.com/rqYQRiu.gif) (http://i.imgur.com/rqYQRiu.gif) (http://i.imgur.com/rqYQRiu.gif) (http://i.imgur.com/rqYQRiu.gif) (http://i.imgur.com/rqYQRiu.gif)
Post by: macsak on May 12, 2015, 02:54:50 AM
He still wants a horse, so he'll need to spend about $250 from the raffle income for another live horse. That assumes $250 is the going rate for the horse he wants.
The dead horse might still have value it there's a glue factory nearby. Since he refunded the winning ticket, he still owns that horse.
That means he's up $1995 cash after paying for the replacement horse and ticket refund, but add back on top of that whatever the dead horse is worth.
But then again, it's a joke.
???
:thumbsup:
Post by: mauidog on May 16, 2015, 04:16:41 PM
Post by: Rocky on May 18, 2015, 10:09:22 AM
You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores.
You should find a woman that is a good cook.
You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with.
You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you.
Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.
Post by: Jl808 on June 02, 2015, 12:31:35 AM
Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.' More thoughtful silence from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her.... 'You want....... garlic chicken wif snow peas?????!!'
Post by: mauidog on June 03, 2015, 10:52:05 PM
Post by: survivorman on June 03, 2015, 11:22:07 PM
Post by: Kingkeoni on June 05, 2015, 05:36:24 PM
Decaffeinated coffee,
What were you thinking?
Post by: Jl808 on June 05, 2015, 06:25:52 PM
Post by: mauidog on June 05, 2015, 10:47:58 PM
Post by: Rocky on June 08, 2015, 12:35:12 PM
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50%-50%.
A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.
The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
Post by: Kingkeoni on June 09, 2015, 07:54:05 AM
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house. Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, "STOP! Acts 2:38!" ("Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.")
As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what has happened. Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody.
As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked, "Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an axe and two 38's!"
Post by: Kingkeoni on July 02, 2015, 07:58:58 AM
Post by: Jl808 on July 04, 2015, 09:35:15 AM
He quickly followed and as she closed the door she allowed her robe to fall completely open. Now that she had his undivided attention, she purred at him, “What would you say are my best features?” Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, “It's got to be your ears.” Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, “My ears? Look at these breasts, they’re a full 38 inches and all natural. I work out every day and my a$$ is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist and look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that my best attributes are my ears?”
Clearing his throat, he stammered... “Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... that was me.”
Post by: Kingkeoni on July 04, 2015, 03:39:33 PM
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically,the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,Tonto?"
"You dumber than Buffalo. It tell me someone stole tent."
Post by: Inspector on July 07, 2015, 03:40:12 PM
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it.. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.. Balance in all things."
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's Washington State , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of software."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There's another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots I put there.
Post by: Inspector on July 09, 2015, 10:11:31 AM
"I'm tired." "I'm washing my hair." "I've got a headache." "I'm your sister."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman in labor is in pain and screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital
bed. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass, but N-O-O-O-O,
you said that might hurt!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent another $2,000
on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she
couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she
goes fucking nuts! Women, I can't figure them out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born, "I don't mean to be
rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and
said, "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Dr Phil:
I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom
window. As I was jerking off, I turned to notice my wife was just standing there,
arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert or what?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy gets a call at work from the police telling him that his house had been robbed.
The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of
silence passes, then the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Got this text from my brother recently. It read, "Can I stay at your house for a while?
The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. For what it's worth,
it reaches all the way to the back of her sister's throat!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I'm coming or going."
I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face you're going, because when
you're coming you look like a fucking squirrel trying to whistle!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip, do you think about me?"
Apparently, "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly!" wasn't the right answer.
Post by: Kingkeoni on July 12, 2015, 11:53:58 AM
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Kentucky duck. This duck’s from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee license?”
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain’t no Tennessee duck. This here duck’s from Virginia. . You got a Virginia. huntin’ license?”
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia. hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly “Just where the hell are you from?
“The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said “You tell me, you’re the expert!!”
Post by: Kingkeoni on July 12, 2015, 02:54:44 PM
Post by: paka808 on July 12, 2015, 03:43:18 PM
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."lol..good 1 :thumbsup:
Post by: Kingkeoni on August 07, 2015, 08:35:11 PM
How dare he bring up Pearl Harbor like that.
Post by: Kingkeoni on August 12, 2015, 03:50:35 PM
He noticed a pretty prostitute.
She sees him and yells out "Fifty Dollars"
He yells back "Five dollars?"
She gets mad and turns away and Bill continues to jog.
A few days later, Bill is jogging in the same area and sees the same prostitute.
She won't come down on her price.
She shouts, "Fifty!"
Bill answers back, "Five"
Again, she just turns away and leaves.
About a week later, Hillary decides that she wants to go jogging with Bill.
They get to the same area and the same prostitute is there.
She sees Bill and Hillary together and yells, "See what you get for five dollars!"
Post by: mauidog on August 12, 2015, 09:31:44 PM
Post by: Day Day on August 13, 2015, 07:13:41 PM
CHIEF- hummmf, when sister was born wind blow through grass on plain, sound like whisper so I name her Whipering Wind.
SON- Dad why did you name my older brother "Soaring Eagle"?
CHIEF- hummmmf, when brother was born I look up to sky I see eagle flying proudly, I name your brother "Soaring Eagle".
Why do you ask? 2 Dogs Fucking
Post by: mauidog on August 17, 2015, 10:16:59 AM
So, I flagged the driver and pointed out a handicap parking space that was open and available. The driver looked puzzled, rolled down her window and said, "I'm not handicapped!"
Well, as you can imagine, my face was red!
"Oh, I'm sorry," I said. I saw your "I'm Ready for Hillary" bumper sticker and just assumed you suffer from a mental disorder."
She screamed some nasty names at me. Boy! Some people don't appreciate it when you're just trying to help them out!
Post by: mauidog on August 17, 2015, 06:03:00 PM
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed,
so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply
embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down
its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen,
thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that
elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of
the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted
its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage,
climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
He probably wasn't the same fucking elephant.
This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories on Facebook!!.
Post by: mauidog on August 17, 2015, 06:27:27 PM
Post by: 230RN on August 23, 2015, 08:20:27 PM
Is a verse form that's hard to extinguish,
Once congress, in session,
Decreed its suppression,
But people got around it by writing the last line without any rhyme or meter.
Post by: wirecounter on August 24, 2015, 08:26:21 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/z1C19dZ.jpg)
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Post by: Kingkeoni on August 29, 2015, 09:37:27 PM
I get it, you have more money than me. No need to be a dick about it.
Post by: mauidog on September 01, 2015, 12:26:46 AM
I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in.
As I was wandering around browsing, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me. I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele.
So I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"
The clerk replied, "Fuck off! Get out, and stay out!"
I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
Post by: mauidog on September 01, 2015, 12:30:20 AM
Erika has weakened so much, she has been renamed “Hillary.”
Post by: mauidog on September 02, 2015, 12:23:21 AM
Post by: mauidog on September 03, 2015, 08:49:01 AM
Post by: mauidog on September 03, 2015, 04:58:50 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/otLlu6H.jpg)
Post by: mauidog on September 03, 2015, 08:23:06 PM
Post by: mauidog on September 08, 2015, 05:43:59 PM
Post by: mauidog on September 12, 2015, 12:30:28 PM
Post by: Rocky on September 14, 2015, 09:25:58 AM
Post by: mauidog on September 14, 2015, 02:48:38 PM
Post by: Heavies on September 14, 2015, 05:57:03 PM
Post by: edster48 on September 16, 2015, 04:52:24 PM
Post by: mauidog on September 19, 2015, 12:29:52 PM
Post by: mauidog on September 20, 2015, 02:12:51 PM
Post by: mauidog on September 20, 2015, 03:30:17 PM
Post by: mauidog on September 21, 2015, 10:15:46 AM
Post by: mauidog on September 22, 2015, 10:24:28 AM
Post by: mauidog on September 23, 2015, 02:35:17 PM
Post by: mauidog on September 24, 2015, 07:45:35 PM
Post by: mauidog on September 24, 2015, 08:53:23 PM
Post by: mauidog on September 27, 2015, 12:21:01 PM
Post by: mauidog on September 28, 2015, 12:44:18 AM
Post by: mauidog on October 01, 2015, 04:40:09 PM
Post by: mauidog on October 03, 2015, 06:23:39 PM
Post by: mauidog on October 07, 2015, 09:21:23 PM
Post by: mauidog on October 11, 2015, 10:42:02 AM
https://youtu.be/Syjp9lsWBhc
Post by: Inspector on October 11, 2015, 02:38:11 PM
Post by: oldfart on October 12, 2015, 06:39:31 PM
Post by: Rocky on October 13, 2015, 06:33:41 AM
I replied "Have you got a pen?"
She smiled and said "Yes."
I said, "Well you better get back to it before the farmer notices you're missing."
Post by: mauidog on October 13, 2015, 06:32:55 PM
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.' At that statement, the jeweler went to his best stock and brought another ring over.
'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000,' the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now,
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, 'Sir...There's no money in that account!!'
''I know,' said the old man. 'But let me tell you about my weekend!!’
:rofl:
Post by: Sodie on October 13, 2015, 09:44:53 PM
When he gets back to the garage, he asks the mechanic if he figured out what the problem was.
"Well, I think you blew a seal," the mechanic replies.
The penguin yells back, "Just fix the damn car and leave my private life out of it!"
Post by: mauidog on October 14, 2015, 10:29:14 PM
Post by: mauidog on October 19, 2015, 07:50:15 PM
to chat as they returned home from walking their dog.
During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up.
She said she wanted to be President someday. Both of her parents, Democratic Party members,
were standing there so I asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied... "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."
Her parents beamed with pride!
"Wow...what a worthy goal!" I said..."But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that!"
"What do you mean?" she replied.
So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge,
and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out,
and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't
the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
Her parents aren't speaking to me anymore.
Post by: Mr. Farknocker on October 27, 2015, 01:07:44 PM
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the southern redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
Post by: mauidog on October 28, 2015, 07:06:12 PM
Post by: Inspector on October 29, 2015, 04:43:37 AM
(http://i.imgur.com/4RDpHTJ.jpg)Guilty!!! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Post by: Kingkeoni on October 30, 2015, 10:14:51 PM
Post by: 808glocker on October 31, 2015, 11:08:00 AM
Weenies!
Post by: mauidog on October 31, 2015, 11:23:48 AM
The bartender says, "Sorry, fella! You can't bring boos in here!"
Post by: Inspector on November 01, 2015, 06:34:36 PM
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And...
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE amazing facts are,
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles.
Post by: Inspector on November 03, 2015, 08:18:29 PM
Muslim world reacts to Obama's latest speech.
https://www.youtube.com/embed/UXodRLLkth4
Enjoy!
Post by: 230RN on November 07, 2015, 12:55:25 AM
So it turns out that yesterday, November 6th was "Love Your Lawyer" Day. No kiddin:
http://www.abajournal.com/news/article/friday_is_love_your_lawyer_day_legal_marketers_creation_gains_some_support
So I shamelessly stole this joke from the discussion on another site:
Quote
A man stomps into a bar, obviously angry. He growls at the bartender, "Gimme a beer", takes a slug, and shouts out, "All lawyers are assholes!"
A guy at the other end of the bar retorts, "You take that back!"
The angry man snarls, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
The guy replies, "No, I'm an asshole!"
Post by: Rocky on November 08, 2015, 09:13:10 AM
Guess who got their front porch totally repainted.
Post by: K30l4 on November 08, 2015, 06:57:38 PM
Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front yard, my neighbors stoppedI like this.
to chat as they returned home from walking their dog.
During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up.
She said she wanted to be President someday. Both of her parents, Democratic Party members,
were standing there so I asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied... "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."
Her parents beamed with pride!
"Wow...what a worthy goal!" I said..."But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that!"
"What do you mean?" she replied.
So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge,
and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out,
and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't
the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
Her parents aren't speaking to me anymore.
Post by: Inspector on November 10, 2015, 09:13:38 AM
Post by: Inspector on November 11, 2015, 12:47:05 PM
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
Thelma's father thinks a bit then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?”
"The whole Isis group," she says.
"Why them," her father asks in shock?
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give them a valentine, they might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to them, they'd love everyone a lot. And then they'd start going all over the place telling everyone how much they loved them and how they didn't hate anyone anymore.”
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. "Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard. ”
"I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets them out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of them."
Post by: Inspector on November 19, 2015, 06:56:26 AM
https://www.youtube.com/embed/vsVCHE7ayPE?rel=0
Enjoy!!!
Post by: oldfart on November 19, 2015, 08:33:42 AM
This has probably been posted already but I'll post it in case it hasn't:...
https://www.youtube.com/embed/vsVCHE7ayPE?rel=0
Enjoy!!!
I saw that one before, but I just noticed there's a whole series of those gunny n glock spots on utube
Post by: Inspector on November 19, 2015, 02:36:00 PM
art collector called to speak with his client.
"Saul, I have some good news and I have
some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful
day today. Let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife
earlier today and she informed me that she
invested $5,000 in two pictures that she
thinks will bring a minimum of $15 to $20
million. I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done!
My wife is a brilliant businesswoman!
You've just made my day. Now I know I
can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of
you with your secretary."
Post by: Inspector on November 20, 2015, 09:41:29 AM
Post by: mauidog on November 20, 2015, 04:46:44 PM
Post by: Rocky on November 21, 2015, 08:26:33 AM
(http://i.imgur.com/loL76Cb.jpg)
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Good one !
Post by: Inspector on November 27, 2015, 12:54:21 PM
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth
was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words,
playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the
bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in
the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then
suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and
said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in
his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey
did?"
Post by: Kingkeoni on December 07, 2015, 09:54:47 AM
Post by: Inspector on December 07, 2015, 06:59:13 PM
While the kill was about to happen before their eyes, the husband casually remarked, “I’ll bet the antelope gets away.”
The wife answered, “If that antelope survives this one, I’ll give you sex every day for the rest of your life.”
The deadly chase was recorded. Click below.....
https://www.youtube.com/embed/DYDIwOnXNc8
Post by: Inspector on December 08, 2015, 04:59:30 AM
Post by: Inspector on December 09, 2015, 10:59:56 AM
The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn’t know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I started jumping up and down along with her.
She said, “I have some really great news!”
I said, “Great. Tell me why you’re so happy.”
She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew she had been trying for a while so I told her, “That’s great! I couldn’t be happier for you!”
Then she said, “There’s more…”
So I asked, “What do you mean ‘more’?”
She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!”
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said…
“Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!”
Post by: Rocky on December 10, 2015, 10:18:26 AM
A couple on an African Safari witnessed a small antelope being chased down by a cheetah.:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
While the kill was about to happen before their eyes, the husband casually remarked, “I’ll bet the antelope gets away.”
The wife answered, “If that antelope survives this one, I’ll give you sex every day for the rest of your life.”
The deadly chase was recorded. Click below.....
https://www.youtube.com/embed/DYDIwOnXNc8
Post by: Inspector on December 15, 2015, 12:04:20 PM
Post by: mauidog on December 16, 2015, 12:16:59 PM
As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive
female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires
with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”
She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”
The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly: “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.” :rofl:
Post by: Inspector on December 16, 2015, 12:28:25 PM
Post by: Mr. Farknocker on December 18, 2015, 01:41:43 PM
Post by: mauidog on December 18, 2015, 02:05:54 PM
Post by: mauidog on December 18, 2015, 03:51:29 PM
Post by: mauidog on December 19, 2015, 12:18:20 PM
Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Trump and Cruz sitting over there?'
The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'
So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?'
Cruz says, 'We're planning WW III.'
The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'
Trump says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.'
The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?'
Trump turns to Cruz and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a crap about the 140 million Muslims.’
:rofl: :geekdanc: :rofl: :geekdanc: :rofl: :geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: mauidog on December 20, 2015, 01:46:16 PM
Post by: mauidog on December 20, 2015, 10:29:45 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/VtWZDu1.jpg)
Post by: mauidog on December 22, 2015, 11:38:56 PM
Post by: Jl808 on December 23, 2015, 08:35:25 AM
Bartender: "Welcome señorita, I'm so sorry about the whole Steve Harvey mixup".
Ms. Colombia: "Yeah, that was kind of messed up, but I'm getting over it".
Bartender: "Well, whatever you want, it's on me. What can I get you?"
Ms. Colombia: "A cerveza please".
Bartender: "Corona?"
Ms. Colombia: "F you cabrón!!!!!!"
Post by: Inspector on December 23, 2015, 11:25:02 AM
Ms. Colombia walks into a bar...I fixed it for you so it is more authentic. :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Bartender: "Welcome señorita, I'm so sorry about the whole Steve Harvey mixup".
Ms. Colombia: "Yeah, that was kind of messed up, but I'm getting over it".
Bartender: "Well, whatever you want, it's on me. What can I get you?"
Ms. Colombia: "A cerveza please".
Bartender: "Corona?"
Ms. Colombia: "Pinche cabrón!!!!!!"
Post by: Mr. Farknocker on December 25, 2015, 06:57:15 AM
After hours of braving sub-zero temperatures and biting wind, one blonde turns to the other and wearily says:
I am chopping down the next tree I see, I don't care if it's decorated or not."
Post by: mauidog on December 25, 2015, 10:37:20 AM
"What does 'IDK' stand for?"
I texted back, "I Don't Know"
She fired back, "OMG! Nobody does!! >:( "
Post by: mauidog on December 26, 2015, 10:13:42 PM
Post by: mauidog on December 27, 2015, 10:06:56 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/GCrxdfv.jpg)
Post by: Inspector on December 29, 2015, 07:17:37 PM
https://www.youtube.com/embed/Vt7FDTpzGvo?rel=0
Enjoy!
Post by: Inspector on January 01, 2016, 06:30:56 AM
https://www.youtube.com/embed/ePG6zUYvUZg
Enjoy!
Post by: Jl808 on January 01, 2016, 08:23:33 AM
https://youtu.be/n1GUQVo1Lps
Happy New Year!
Post by: paka808 on January 01, 2016, 08:39:50 AM
Warning: Nsfw languagelol,great video.I see alot of the same people in 24hr fitness. :thumbsup:
https://youtu.be/n1GUQVo1Lps
Happy New Year!
Post by: Inspector on January 08, 2016, 10:45:44 AM
Enjoy!
Post by: Inspector on January 09, 2016, 07:00:32 AM
Post by: mauidog on January 12, 2016, 01:43:32 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/vvaiOIu.jpg)
Post by: mauidog on January 13, 2016, 10:21:38 PM
Post by: Mr. Farknocker on January 18, 2016, 07:15:00 AM
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.
It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up; stood beside the little boy; and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning. Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"
The pastor replied, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,"Which service, the 8:00 or the 10:30?"
Post by: Mr. Farknocker on January 18, 2016, 07:16:25 AM
An old guy was working out at the gym when he spotted a young hot blonde girl walking in.
He asked the trainer standing next to him, "What machine should I use to impress that girl over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."
Post by: Rocky on January 18, 2016, 08:06:19 AM
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.ROFL :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up; stood beside the little boy; and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning. Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"
The pastor replied, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,"Which service, the 8:00 or the 10:30?"
I forwarded that one all over the place
Post by: Rocky on January 18, 2016, 08:13:29 AM
The blonde say's "Your such a slut."
"How many is a Brazilian ?"
Post by: eyeeatingfish on January 18, 2016, 08:03:20 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/bc91tYC.jpg)
Post by: mauidog on January 21, 2016, 11:48:47 AM
Post by: Inspector on January 22, 2016, 12:18:09 PM
Post by: mauidog on January 23, 2016, 08:43:31 PM
Post by: mauidog on January 26, 2016, 12:21:34 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/fBOkded.jpg?1)
Post by: mauidog on January 27, 2016, 12:56:57 AM
Post by: Inspector on February 05, 2016, 11:09:07 AM
http://www.youtube.com/embed/eryxAcsTcOA?rel=0
Enjoy!
Post by: Mr. Farknocker on February 08, 2016, 09:06:36 AM
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, “Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!”
“That’s awful,” said Frank, “But it could have been worse.”
“How in the hell,” asked his bewildered friend, “Could it have been worse?”
“Well,” replied Frank, “If it happened the night before, I’d be dead now!”
Post by: Jl808 on February 15, 2016, 07:51:43 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9POkP2oCFhA
Post by: Jl808 on February 16, 2016, 06:56:02 AM
They were gazing lovingly at each other and were holding hands.
The waitress, taking an order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table – but the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man "Pardon me sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."
The man calmly looked up at her and said, "No, she didn't. She just walked in."
Post by: London808 on February 16, 2016, 07:52:45 PM
Post by: paka808 on February 16, 2016, 08:02:19 PM
(https://scontent-lax3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtl1/v/t1.0-9/12733464_10156543268300634_5168598884619500078_n.jpg?oh=0a2bab05a9c4db73b559174d2934f720&oe=572C1627)lol,and he looked so comfortable. :crazy:
Post by: Rocky on February 17, 2016, 08:40:10 AM
(https://scontent-lax3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtl1/v/t1.0-9/12733464_10156543268300634_5168598884619500078_n.jpg?oh=0a2bab05a9c4db73b559174d2934f720&oe=572C1627)Pop da clutch ! >:D
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Post by: Mr. Farknocker on February 19, 2016, 07:04:17 AM
The desk sergeant says “You’ll get your chance in court, sir.”.
Man says “No, No, No, I just want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
Post by: London808 on February 19, 2016, 09:54:00 PM
Post by: Mr. Farknocker on March 09, 2016, 01:56:14 PM
So it’s sad to say she has to go and hopefully someone out there may be able to give her a new home ....
Her name is Eileen, she’s in her 60's, good personality and not a bad cook.
Post by: Inspector on March 15, 2016, 09:51:26 AM
had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Leo was dying, Frank visited him every day.
One day Frank said, 'Leo, we both
loved playing softball all our lives,
and we played all through High School.
Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's softball there.'
Leo looked up at Frank from his
deathbed and said, 'Frank you've been
my best friend for many years. If it's
at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'
Shortly after that, Leo passed on.
A few nights later, Frank was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, 'Frank... Frank!'
'Who is it?' asked Frank sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Leo-- it's me, Leo.'
'You're not Leo, Leo just died.'
'I'm telling you, it's me, Leo' insisted
the voice.
'Leo! Where are you?'
'In Heaven,' replied Leo. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'The good news,' Leo said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too.
Better than that, we're all young again.
Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows.
And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'
'That's fantastic,' said Frank 'It's beyond my wildest dreams!
So what's the bad news?'
'You're pitching Tuesday.'
Post by: Inspector on May 05, 2016, 01:48:19 PM
However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, and attended by some
of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make that very distinction.
The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this:
"Some say there is no difference between 'complete' and 'finished.' Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand."
Mr. Balgobin's response:
"When you marry the right woman, you are 'complete.' If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'finished.' And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are 'completely finished.'
When the right one is finally done with your sorry butt, you are "finished completely".
His answer received a five minute standing ovation.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on June 16, 2016, 11:58:17 PM
Post by: aieahound on June 17, 2016, 03:07:45 PM
Talking total pidgin', the Haole boss doesn't think he's too bright.
So he decides to test bruddah.
He asks him to draw a picture that illustrates 9 without numbers.
Bruddah draws a picture and says tree plus tree plus tree is 9.
Boss says ok, now draw picture that's 99.
Bruddah scribbles on each tree.
Says dirty tree plus dirty tree plus dirty tree is 99.
Boss, a little flustered, thinks he has bruddah.
He says clever, now make it a hundred.
Bruddah thinks little while and draws the picture.
Boss asks what's that.
Bruddah says dirty tree and one terd plus dirty tree one terd plus dirty tree and one terd is hundred.
Boss hires bruddah.
Post by: London808 on June 18, 2016, 08:18:00 PM
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/a/a2/Hillary.png)
Post by: London808 on June 20, 2016, 08:34:22 AM
(https://scontent-lax3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13445689_1092442050831309_423153088465789638_n.jpg?oh=0e4001f645b4ba2520dac527a001959d&oe=57CDA2E3)
(https://scontent-lax3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13507264_1092442067497974_7052264819363454734_n.jpg?oh=1f7e4b9e05f63e724aa356007274309b&oe=57C5BA65)
(https://scontent-lax3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13450273_1092442090831305_7575015908162708707_n.jpg?oh=7091632313eeed7efb1121cb00499a89&oe=57C247F6)
(https://scontent-lax3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13435373_1092442117497969_7002438201031307528_n.jpg?oh=17b389dbed14b75ae328e62039a34bc5&oe=57E5DC77)
(https://scontent-lax3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13502043_1092442130831301_6315522834329645396_n.jpg?oh=9bf1f983da20036eefdac5fe8bd71471&oe=57E818EA)
(https://scontent-lax3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13494800_1092442197497961_3860388566022188037_n.jpg?oh=a2383050a7d47927b6a31b80404dd8ef&oe=57D0204E)
Post by: eyeeatingfish on June 21, 2016, 01:14:21 AM
Post by: oldfart on June 21, 2016, 05:13:01 AM
London, who is that guy in the memes?...
Gersh kuntzman
The guy that got ptsd after firing an ar15.
Post by: London808 on June 21, 2016, 10:48:57 AM
Post by: London808 on June 21, 2016, 10:49:37 AM
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/crime/firing-ar-15-horrifying-dangerous-loud-article-1.2673201 (http://www.nydailynews.com/news/crime/firing-ar-15-horrifying-dangerous-loud-article-1.2673201)
Post by: eyeeatingfish on June 21, 2016, 05:35:24 PM
(https://scontent-lax3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/s480x480/13450288_10205829513997785_4233930741471412914_n.jpg?oh=ffe5601a73fb4c62d6af236a7fc1717b&oe=57D7A2A8)
Does he take acid before he does any and every activity?
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on June 21, 2016, 09:36:46 PM
Post by: macsak on June 21, 2016, 10:19:54 PM
Does he take acid before he does any and every activity?
do you understand sarcasm and satire?
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on June 21, 2016, 10:21:50 PM
do you understand sarcasm and satire?
Where on Google does it say Kuntzman is doing all these activities out of sarcasm? Please post your sources!
:rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on June 21, 2016, 11:09:41 PM
https://youtu.be/1NhwWokNv7Q
Post by: London808 on June 22, 2016, 05:01:19 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on July 03, 2016, 02:29:38 PM
https://youtu.be/hFg1UGLGDcw
Post by: London808 on July 03, 2016, 07:36:46 PM
Post by: Kingkeoni on July 04, 2016, 12:29:04 PM
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=tBqEsr79Jr8
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on July 08, 2016, 06:50:40 PM
Post by: Inspector on July 09, 2016, 06:21:12 AM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on July 09, 2016, 11:53:33 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on July 09, 2016, 11:58:35 PM
Post by: Inspector on July 10, 2016, 06:00:03 AM
https://youtu.be/Wh9amMeiRYQ:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Post by: oldfart on July 10, 2016, 08:18:32 AM
Post by: Rocky on July 10, 2016, 08:22:54 AM
For cripes sake I had a shirt just like Billy's !
Uuuugh. I'm old
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on July 10, 2016, 03:46:40 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on July 11, 2016, 10:02:02 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on July 14, 2016, 12:23:35 AM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on July 16, 2016, 11:46:13 AM
(http://i.imgur.com/oy3mH53.jpg)
Post by: Inspector on July 16, 2016, 03:08:46 PM
Not everybody will get this ...:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
(http://i.imgur.com/oy3mH53.jpg)
Post by: passivekinetic on July 18, 2016, 10:07:43 AM
What gives?
Post by: Inspector on July 18, 2016, 10:23:24 AM
Ok I admit it went over my head.The guy on the left is Abe Vigoda. He played a character on an old TV show called Barney Miller. His character's name was "Fish". The two guys on the right are from an old TV show called California Highway Patrol or "CHiPs". Put the two together and you get "Fish and ChiPs". :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
What gives?
Post by: pantyhamster on July 18, 2016, 11:19:29 AM
Uuuugh. I'm old
I'll second that! :rofl:
Post by: passivekinetic on July 18, 2016, 11:22:25 AM
The guy on the left is Abe Vigoda. He played a character on an old TV show called Barney Miller. His character's name was "Fish". The two guys on the right are from an old TV show called California Highway Patrol or "CHiPs". Put the two together and you get "Fish and ChiPs". :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
NOW that you explain it, I sort of get it, as I sort of remember watching those shows eons ago. :-D
Reruns of course! :-D
Post by: Inspector on July 18, 2016, 11:28:05 AM
NOW that you explain it, I sort of get it, as I sort of remember watching those shows eons ago. :-DI watched these shows as first time aired during prime time hours. Barney Miller was an excellent comedy show. They dealt with all sorts of racial, female chauvinist and sexist as well as old person bias issues. I consider this show as one of the better shows of its day. ChiPs on the other hand was just pretty much a cop show with predictable plots and endings. It was a feel good show so it lasted a while if my memory serves me correctly.
Reruns of course! :-D
Post by: London808 on July 19, 2016, 02:26:47 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on July 26, 2016, 10:40:46 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on July 26, 2016, 11:06:01 PM
Post by: eyeeatingfish on July 30, 2016, 07:12:12 AM
Cried watching this.
Post by: London808 on July 31, 2016, 04:11:56 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on August 07, 2016, 09:21:11 PM
Post by: Bunker on August 07, 2016, 10:15:04 PM
A woman takes her secret lover home, during the day while her husband is at work.
While they are busy getting amorous, her 9-yr old son comes home, sees them and hides in the closet to watch.
Shortly after that, the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that her son is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy:"I have a baseball..."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy:Wanna buy it?"
Man:"No thanks."
Boy:"My Dad is outside, I could call for him"
Man:"Ok, how much?"
Boy:"$250.00."
Over the next few weeks, it happens that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy:"Dark in here."
Man:"Yes, it is."
Boy:"I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?"
Boy:$750."
Man:"Sold."
A few days later, the Dad says to his Son, "Grab your glove, lets go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my glove and ball."
The Dad asks,"How much did you sell them for?"
Boy:$1,000."
The Dad, obviously upset, says "That's terrible to over-charge your friends
like that! That is way more than those two things are worth! I"m taking you to church and you are going to confess your sins!"
They drive over to the church and the Dad makes the boy sit in the confession booth, then closes the little door.
Boy:"Dark in here."
The Priest says, "Don't start that shit again, you're in MY closet now!
Post by: Rocky on August 09, 2016, 08:51:53 AM
Post by: macsak on August 09, 2016, 11:17:54 AM
Import Lunch Break
:rofl:
that's racist!
:shake:
Post by: Kingkeoni on August 09, 2016, 07:11:15 PM
A voice in the back of the bar yells out, "You're gonna need a lot more bullets than that"
Post by: Rocky on August 11, 2016, 10:44:30 AM
:rofl:Until they chip a tooth ! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
that's racist!
:shake:
Post by: macsak on August 12, 2016, 06:04:39 AM
Until they chip a tooth ! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
(http://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20160812/2a7f48d42a0dfcc764d31267919309cc.jpg)
I think they might have switched the book titles
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Post by: London808 on August 13, 2016, 04:46:17 PM
Post by: K30l4 on August 13, 2016, 04:53:58 PM
Actions speak louder than words.
Post by: London808 on August 13, 2016, 06:35:35 PM
Regarding the video above, I had someone pay for my meal in a drive thru. I got to say that I literally was in tears. I was completely moved by an act of love. I was thanking Jesus for for putting kindness in a person's heart and that person "living out loud".
Actions speak louder than words.
If i go through the drive through on the way home from work and my customer paid cash, i will pay for the guy behind me, Most times its under $5,
Post by: London808 on August 14, 2016, 03:58:49 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on August 16, 2016, 06:17:38 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on August 16, 2016, 08:18:11 PM
https://youtu.be/HClog8uoRyw
Post by: macsak on August 17, 2016, 07:17:44 AM
If i go through the drive through on the way home from work and my customer paid cash, i will pay for the guy behind me, Most times its under $5,
(http://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20160817/720f765fe978fa16b2e6c28cdba3383e.jpg)
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on August 19, 2016, 02:51:12 PM
She says to Donald, "See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie. I will definitely win the election."
The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life! Trickery and deceit! I'm going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I'll show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. Trump swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that one too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?"
Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket!!"
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on August 22, 2016, 09:17:25 AM
All the typical answers came up -- teacher, nurse, businesswoman, saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his mother,
he replied, "Well my mother's an exotic dancer in a cabaret and takes off all her clothes in front of men and they
put money in her under-wear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will go home with some guy and stay
with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises
and then took little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your mother?
"No," the boy said, "she works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton elected
as our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
:rofl:
Post by: Big All on August 29, 2016, 01:28:11 PM
Post by: Big All on August 30, 2016, 06:33:18 AM
Post by: Big All on September 09, 2016, 07:37:46 AM
Post by: Big All on September 09, 2016, 07:38:40 AM
Post by: Kingkeoni on September 13, 2016, 08:17:26 PM
So yesterday I hear my 7 year old son and my 4 year old son yelling in their room.
I go over there to find out what all the fuss is about and when I walk in the 7 year old is stomping on his brother who's laying on the ground. I told him "what's the matter with you?" He said that his brother poured water on his remote control and it doesn't work anymore. So I took the wet tv remote and took out the batteries and put it in a ziploc bag with dry rice in it and put it in the cupboard.
Well today when I get home from work they ask me if the remote works.
So I grab the remote and put it in the batteries and it works. They're both so happy and the 4 year old says "Thank you Daddy, I promise to never pee on the remote again"
Post by: Big All on September 14, 2016, 06:21:37 AM
Sometimes a true story is the funniest joke...That reminds me of an old friend who bought himself a very nice Rolex watch. I think he paid around $1400 for it. One afternoon he puts it on his night stand and tells his wife to not let their son bother him while he takes a nap. He is woken up by his wife who is complaining that their son's toilet is backed up. So he gets up and tries the usual plunger and eventually gets to the point where he removes the toilet from the floor. And of course he found his Rolex. Apparently, the wife told the son not to wake his father so the son took his watch and flushed it.
So yesterday I hear my 7 year old son and my 4 year old son yelling in their room.
I go over there to find out what all the fuss is about and when I walk in the 7 year old is stomping on his brother who's laying on the ground. I told him "what's the matter with you?" He said that his brother poured water on his remote control and it doesn't work anymore. So I took the wet tv remote and took out the batteries and put it in a ziploc bag with dry rice in it and put it in the cupboard.
Well today when I get home from work they ask me if the remote works.
So I grab the remote and put it in the batteries and it works. They're both so happy and the 4 year old says "Thank you Daddy, I promise to never pee on the remote again"
Post by: Big All on September 15, 2016, 09:23:35 AM
Post by: Rocky on September 22, 2016, 07:39:13 AM
Post by: Mr. Farknocker on October 12, 2016, 06:34:43 AM
The Darwinian walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the Darwinian was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the Darwinian happily agreed. God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The Darwinian said, "Sure, no problem," and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"
Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-N910A using Tapatalk
Post by: Rocky on October 12, 2016, 07:49:08 AM
Post by: macsak on October 12, 2016, 08:36:49 AM
Mac as a child
took me a minute to catch on...
Post by: K30l4 on October 12, 2016, 11:39:48 AM
took me a minute to catch on...Wait a minute. Where's the other stick?
Post by: macsak on October 12, 2016, 11:40:48 AM
Wait a minute. Where's the other stick?Think about it, not only the stick is missing...
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Post by: Rocky on October 12, 2016, 02:07:55 PM
Wait a minute. Where's the other stick?
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
That's not stick, it's the round bally guy's __ __ ___ !
:wave: K3014
Post by: Jl808 on October 12, 2016, 04:34:44 PM
Post by: Rocky on October 13, 2016, 09:07:13 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHzdsFiBbFc
Post by: Mr. Farknocker on October 19, 2016, 05:45:22 PM
Post by: London808 on November 02, 2016, 06:40:23 PM
Post by: Rocky on November 02, 2016, 07:00:35 PM
(https://scontent-lax3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/12985404_10156815901220634_7087292294178092151_n.jpg?oh=054b9bf4add24fa08077ceb5a1f35d8a&oe=58A29F07)
Thanks London.
Bout time we got some funny round here.
Post by: London808 on November 02, 2016, 09:42:12 PM
Thanks London.
Bout time we got some funny round here.
Have you seen this election...... Nothing but jokes going on
Post by: passivekinetic on November 14, 2016, 06:10:33 PM
Post by: passivekinetic on November 14, 2016, 06:36:10 PM
https://youtu.be/jMAL9-S9gNg
Post by: ren on November 14, 2016, 06:53:54 PM
(https://www.thesun.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/nintchdbpict000280981506-e1478667522778.jpg?w=960&strip=all)
Post by: Inspector on November 24, 2016, 10:43:31 AM
Post by: London808 on December 01, 2016, 08:50:35 PM
Post by: ren on December 01, 2016, 09:17:12 PM
Post by: oldfart on December 02, 2016, 07:50:24 AM
kcaB paR...
I really laughed at the photos of the sobbing millenials.
But i'm not catching your last cryptic post.
Post by: ren on December 02, 2016, 09:02:03 AM
Post by: Rocky on December 02, 2016, 12:32:59 PM
https://www.facebook.com/chasity.chase/videos/10210318003044669/
Post by: Inspector on January 05, 2017, 02:54:55 PM
Post by: oldfart on January 08, 2017, 09:34:23 AM
https://youtu.be/XM8aBESf8EI
Post by: Inspector on January 11, 2017, 07:17:06 AM
Post by: oldfart on January 11, 2017, 07:27:17 AM
Secret Ritual to Summon Free Guns:=============
Let's try it to see if it works.
Post by: Inspector on January 11, 2017, 07:33:56 AM
Post by: Inspector on January 11, 2017, 02:44:08 PM
(https://i2.wp.com/sicktwistedhumor.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/1-a-2.jpg)
Post by: Inspector on January 11, 2017, 02:47:37 PM
One of the funniest videos I've seen in a while. It's only 2 minutes.That is one of the funniest vids I have ever seen! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
https://youtu.be/XM8aBESf8EI
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 11, 2017, 02:56:11 PM
That is one of the funniest vids I have ever seen! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
The original "Angry Bird!"
Post by: Mr. Farknocker on January 12, 2017, 07:16:42 AM
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-N910A using Tapatalk
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 17, 2017, 10:34:01 PM
Post by: TastesLikeMetal on January 22, 2017, 11:43:33 AM
(https://i.imgflip.com/1i5g5c.jpg)
Post by: oldfart on January 22, 2017, 12:49:17 PM
Post by: passivekinetic on January 22, 2017, 12:52:50 PM
Those 2 could use a lot more marching
What is she holding in her hand...?
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 23, 2017, 02:58:13 AM
“I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”
...
The Marine looks at the man and says,
“Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here.”
The old man says,
“Okay,” and walks away.
The following day the same man approaches the White House and says to the same Marine,
“I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”
The Marine again tells the man,
“Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here.”
The man thanks him and again walks away.
On the third day, the same man approaches the White House and speaks to the very same U.S. Marine, saying,
“I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looks at the man and says,
“Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I’ve told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”
The old man looks at the Marine and says,
“Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”
The Marine snaps to attention, salutes, and says,
“See you tomorrow, Sir!”
Post by: London808 on January 23, 2017, 08:31:03 AM
(https://scontent-lax3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/16142765_1919406044813756_931677306589573061_n.jpg?oh=d6cde3b7b846ecde34ad16e2baef5057&oe=5916D7DD)
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 24, 2017, 11:56:55 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 24, 2017, 11:59:02 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/CKTLXa0.jpg)
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 26, 2017, 08:42:48 PM
Post by: macsak on January 26, 2017, 08:50:26 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/BO6ZDuA.jpg)
obama 44 would be on a golf club
Post by: Ryno on January 27, 2017, 01:02:21 AM
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:he charged him a arm & a leg to fix his smile?
That's not stick, it's the round bally guy's __ __ ___ !
:wave: K3014
Post by: Kingkeoni on January 27, 2017, 04:23:48 AM
He says "I wish I could do that"
I said, you can try, but pet him first or he might bite you.
Post by: Mr. Farknocker on January 28, 2017, 12:31:33 PM
(http://i1292.photobucket.com/albums/b569/808Snarfblat/4RdJPFn_4zrPYj35Fwfbag3D3D2F6896093022746210483_zpspji5nfzq.jpg) (http://s1292.photobucket.com/user/808Snarfblat/media/4RdJPFn_4zrPYj35Fwfbag3D3D2F6896093022746210483_zpspji5nfzq.jpg.html)
Post by: London808 on February 19, 2017, 07:47:20 PM
"One Large Mahu"
His friends recommended it to him.
Post by: Rocky on February 19, 2017, 09:36:08 PM
he charged him a arm & a leg to fix his smile?
:thumbsup:
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Post by: Mr. Farknocker on February 22, 2017, 02:42:44 PM
And with that he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said: "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"
So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."
The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street.
Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"
She replied: "Aye, and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Post by: passivekinetic on February 23, 2017, 12:22:40 PM
Post by: mrgaf on February 25, 2017, 11:18:15 PM
I bought this bottle of fine Irish whiskey to symbolize our long friendship. There will be a special occasion someday that will justify opening it.
Well some 60 years later, O'Reilly is on his deathbed and yes, O'Brian is at his side...
O'Brian say " dear father Patrick is there any thing I can do for you before you enter the kingdom of the lord"
O'Reilly, in a weak voice says "Shawn, me old and good friend, you know that bottle of irish whiskey we purchased to symbolize our friendship"?
O'Brian says "yes, Patrick
O'Reilly says "me dear Shawn, me thinks this is that "special" occasion. When I'm dead and gone, could you sprinkle the whiskey over me grave"
O'Brian, with tears in his eyes says "Aye Patrick, Aye but would yoou mind if I strain it thru me kidneys first"?
:geekdanc:
Post by: Inspector on March 01, 2017, 04:17:53 AM
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby, whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked...
"Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe, why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that. It was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why in the world are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
Post by: London808 on March 01, 2017, 07:15:10 AM
Post by: oldfart on March 01, 2017, 09:57:10 AM
https://youtu.be/Sz0o9clVQu8....
Re millenials video humor.
We just hired several over the past year.....
it's all true.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 01, 2017, 10:43:28 PM
Post by: mikenkapolei on March 02, 2017, 09:07:55 AM
When she handed him her driver’s license and CCW, she said: “I just got my CCW do you want to see my gun?”
He replied: “Don’t show me yours, and I won’t show you mine.”
Post by: mrgaf on March 02, 2017, 10:35:49 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 05, 2017, 10:37:22 PM
Post by: mrgaf on March 06, 2017, 08:57:45 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/kuz4mW2.gif)
Hahahaha now dats funny!
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 09, 2017, 07:20:52 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/xZ5nPOG.gif)
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 10, 2017, 09:30:34 PM
Post by: 338KID on March 10, 2017, 09:36:03 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 12, 2017, 11:12:20 AM
Post by: Inspector on March 14, 2017, 12:29:40 PM
Post by: mrgaf on March 14, 2017, 02:41:04 PM
Post by: mrgaf on March 14, 2017, 02:43:12 PM
Post by: mrgaf on March 16, 2017, 10:20:55 PM
Post by: Inspector on March 17, 2017, 10:55:09 AM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 24, 2017, 02:44:53 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 24, 2017, 10:05:30 PM
Post by: Rocky on March 25, 2017, 10:26:11 AM
https://youtu.be/Yg5LXaXQXfsDON'T THINK HE WAS LOOKING BOTH WAYS BEFORE CROSSING IN AN UNMARKED CROSS WALK :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Post by: Inspector on March 25, 2017, 11:54:37 AM
https://youtu.be/Yg5LXaXQXfsI guess that is the last time he comes home late for dinner! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Post by: Inspector on March 26, 2017, 07:25:15 AM
I guess that is the last time he comes home late for dinner! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:Or maybe she caught him having sex with another goat?
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 26, 2017, 12:06:57 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 28, 2017, 09:21:05 PM
Post by: MuffinMan on March 31, 2017, 01:18:43 PM
The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was driving along near a campground when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Hillary' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Trump shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious
Democrat from the bear's grasp.
Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?
"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he don't know squat about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?
:rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 04, 2017, 11:40:55 PM
Post by: Rocky on April 12, 2017, 12:02:11 PM
Of course daddy mode kicked in and I said, Ya think she's pregnant?
To which Rockette replied " Impossible, she has an IED. :shake: :shake: :shake:
:rofl: :rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 15, 2017, 05:01:12 PM
https://youtu.be/r7ml9IRRdWE
Post by: mrgaf on April 15, 2017, 07:50:28 PM
Post by: littlemisssunshine on April 16, 2017, 09:02:09 PM
Who’s there?
Opportunity!
That is impossible. Opportunity doesn’t come knocking twice!
Post by: Bunker on April 20, 2017, 06:10:30 PM
Post by: Rocky on April 20, 2017, 06:19:26 PM
(http://i1287.photobucket.com/albums/a632/Bunker9939/17990900_1864698770214364_4719658923813273728_n_zps4jlsz68x.jpg) (http://s1287.photobucket.com/user/Bunker9939/media/17990900_1864698770214364_4719658923813273728_n_zps4jlsz68x.jpg.html)
Dogs name must be "Lucky"
Post by: Mr. Farknocker on April 20, 2017, 08:24:11 PM
1. “Drag and Drop”
2. “We put the hospital in hospitality”
3. “Board as a doctor, leave as a patient”
4. “Our prices can’t be beaten, but our passengers can”
5. “We have First Class, Business Class and No Class”
6. “Not enough seating, prepare for a beating”
7. “We treat you like we treat your luggage”
8. “We beat the customer. Not the competition”
9. “And you thought leg room was an issue”
10. “Where voluntary is mandatory”
11. “Fight or flight. We decide”
12. “Now offering one free carry off”
13. “Beating random customers since 2017”
14. “If our staff needs a seat, we’ll drag you out by your feet”
15. “A bloody good airline"
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 24, 2017, 11:45:19 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 27, 2017, 12:39:24 AM
(http://i.imgur.com/WvIBkz4.jpg?1)
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 27, 2017, 10:47:09 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 29, 2017, 04:56:45 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 29, 2017, 05:24:32 PM
Post by: Jl808 on April 29, 2017, 06:02:51 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on May 01, 2017, 11:28:35 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on May 04, 2017, 11:03:37 PM
Post by: littlemisssunshine on May 05, 2017, 02:54:24 AM
Do you dare to know if there's a life after death? >:D
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on May 05, 2017, 11:12:33 AM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on May 06, 2017, 09:58:09 PM
Post by: Jl808 on May 07, 2017, 08:25:22 AM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on May 14, 2017, 11:46:33 PM
Post by: oldfart on May 15, 2017, 03:31:55 AM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on May 16, 2017, 12:32:35 AM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on May 18, 2017, 10:47:28 AM
(http://i.imgur.com/9SECZqD.jpg)
Post by: oldfart on May 18, 2017, 12:18:04 PM
Post by: littlemisssunshine on May 18, 2017, 03:30:51 PM
The waiter looks up and says what the hell is wrong with you.
And the panda says: "I read that pandas eat shoots and leaves."
Post by: Bunker on May 19, 2017, 03:36:47 PM
Post by: Inspector on May 19, 2017, 06:18:14 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on May 21, 2017, 07:28:03 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/nSsX17k.jpg?1)
Post by: Bunker on May 27, 2017, 01:43:50 PM
Post by: Bunker on June 01, 2017, 09:02:00 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on June 03, 2017, 12:25:28 PM
Post by: Bunker on June 05, 2017, 05:09:05 PM
Post by: Jl808 on June 05, 2017, 07:58:21 PM
Post by: Inspector on June 06, 2017, 04:41:50 AM
Post by: Inspector on June 14, 2017, 02:50:14 PM
Post by: Rocky on June 14, 2017, 02:56:39 PM
LOLIf you let this sink in, it makes sense. :shake:
Post by: Inspector on June 15, 2017, 07:04:11 AM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on June 16, 2017, 01:59:21 AM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on June 26, 2017, 02:44:49 AM
Post by: Bunker on June 28, 2017, 05:53:27 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on July 07, 2017, 09:11:22 AM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on July 07, 2017, 06:35:58 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on July 19, 2017, 01:13:53 PM
Post by: Inspector on July 20, 2017, 06:23:06 PM
Post by: Inspector on August 04, 2017, 06:15:17 AM
A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes"! So, the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.
The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
The third patron to come into the restaurant, was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light!
He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?
The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly so everyone in the restaurant could hear.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and began to praise the Lord. Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, he raised his hands and he, too, began to praise the Lord. Then, Jesus walked, with a huge smile on his face, towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me....... I'm on disability."
For Those Who Understand, No Explanation is necessary.
For Those Who Do Not Understand,
No explanation is possible.
Post by: Mr. Farknocker on August 17, 2017, 12:33:53 PM
Post by: rklapp on August 17, 2017, 09:36:55 PM
(https://i.ytimg.com/vi/rCdS1efjYcU/hqdefault.jpg)
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on August 23, 2017, 12:55:37 AM
Post by: Inspector on August 23, 2017, 11:05:42 AM
Post by: Jl808 on September 07, 2017, 06:48:15 AM
Post by: Mr. Farknocker on September 13, 2017, 10:11:36 AM
Post by: oldfart on September 13, 2017, 11:04:51 AM
I just revisited this thread....hilarious :thumbsup:
Post by: mrgaf on September 19, 2017, 01:31:40 PM
A: "How Come?" :rofl: :crazy:
Post by: oldfart on September 19, 2017, 03:38:56 PM
Q: What did the Indian say to the white woman when she tied his penis in a knot?============
A: "How Come?" :rofl: :crazy:
Is that the Percocet talking? :rofl:
Post by: mrgaf on September 19, 2017, 08:27:27 PM
============
Is that the Percocet talking? :rofl:
Ug!
Post by: dafrtknocker on September 29, 2017, 07:03:51 PM
https://youtu.be/bi8eeel68JY
Post by: mrgaf on September 30, 2017, 03:17:43 PM
A penguin is driving through the desert, when his car breaks down. Fortunately, he's near a service station, so he pulls in, and the mechanic says he'll take a look, but it'll be about half an hour.
The penguin is boiling in this heat. He's from somewhere cold, you know. So he goes to the convenience store attached to the service station, and he buys an ice cream bar. He's eating it, and it cools him off some, but it's the desert, so the ice cream starts melting all of his face, his flippers, it's a big mess.
Just then, the mechanic comes out, wipes the grease off his hands on an oily rag, and says to the penguin, "Well, it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin shakes his head and says, "Aw, no man. It's just ice cream!"
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Post by: mrgaf on September 30, 2017, 03:26:20 PM
:shaka: :crazy: :thumbsup: :geekdanc: :oops :rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on October 30, 2017, 04:20:27 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/SRxpZ4j.jpg?1)
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on November 22, 2017, 01:47:29 PM
Post by: mrgaf on November 22, 2017, 05:37:52 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/y6A053B.jpg)
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: the pig Hillary should not be pardoned....
Post by: Mr. Farknocker on November 26, 2017, 07:08:41 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/y6A053B.jpg)
You mean Judge Derrick Watson of the U.S.District Court of the State of Hawaii.
Post by: rklapp on November 26, 2017, 08:05:46 AM
Post by: ren on November 26, 2017, 06:24:21 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/y6A053B.jpg)
AG Chin had something to do with this
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 02, 2018, 04:34:34 PM
Post by: Inspector on January 04, 2018, 06:39:00 AM
Post by: drck1000 on January 04, 2018, 07:55:13 AM
Post by: Eric808 on January 04, 2018, 01:38:32 PM
Enjoy!
:thumbsup: :rofl:
I need to send this to my wife, nah nah nah. glad I came to my senses before hitting send.
Post by: mrgaf on January 11, 2018, 12:22:40 AM
Post by: mrgaf on January 11, 2018, 12:24:28 AM
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story?
You can't kill two birds with one stone.
:wacko:
Post by: Mr. Farknocker on January 12, 2018, 02:37:45 PM
New non-lethal big bore round at shotshow 2018.
Post by: mrgaf on January 12, 2018, 04:55:00 PM
(https://vgy.me/Gur9Wx.jpg)
New non-lethal big bore round at shotshow 2018.
Another rare Hawaiian bird...the pink, blunt nosed big okole penis taking flight...
Post by: Heavies on January 12, 2018, 06:27:10 PM
(https://vgy.me/Gur9Wx.jpg)heads
New non-lethal big bore round at shotshow 2018.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 17, 2018, 04:00:26 PM
Post by: Rocky on January 19, 2018, 10:58:08 AM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 20, 2018, 11:47:50 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/IxhhKax.jpg?1)
Post by: Mr. Farknocker on January 23, 2018, 03:16:22 PM
Post by: Rocky on January 24, 2018, 07:36:54 AM
Post by: Inspector on January 24, 2018, 07:54:07 AM
Pod's? Pod's ? We don't need no stink'n Pod's:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Post by: Drakiir84 on January 24, 2018, 08:21:28 AM
Post by: Jl808 on January 24, 2018, 11:08:58 PM
Post by: Mr. Farknocker on January 31, 2018, 06:48:45 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/5Ja49Bu.jpg)
Actually.....
(https://vgy.me/jwkQrl.jpg)
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on February 02, 2018, 06:52:50 PM
Post by: drck1000 on February 08, 2018, 11:17:33 AM
Post by: Mr. Farknocker on February 20, 2018, 09:25:51 PM
Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-N910A using Tapatalk
Post by: Jl808 on February 20, 2018, 09:57:06 PM
Post by: Mr. Farknocker on February 21, 2018, 05:33:03 PM
2500 years ago a slave call girl from Sardinia, named Gedophamee was attending the first athletic festival in Greece. This festival had no name at that time.
In those days the athletes performed naked and to prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on a drink containing saltpeter.
At the opening ceremonial parade of this first great event, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked athletic males marching toward her and exclaimed, "Oh! Limp pricks!"
Over the next two and a half millennia that expression morphed into the word “Olympics.”
So now you know. Don't bother to thank me, I enjoy learning about and discussing history.
Post by: survivorman on February 22, 2018, 04:30:32 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 02, 2018, 05:34:18 PM
Post by: Rocky on March 05, 2018, 10:21:18 AM
Pod's? Pod's ? We don't need no stink'n Pod's
Hey, now them kids are finding Bundt Cakes! :crazy:
Post by: oldfart on March 05, 2018, 10:51:45 AM
Hey, now them kids are finding Bundt Cakes! :crazy:============
oh yummmm
dribble a little chocolate-brown sauce on top :thumbsup:
Post by: rklapp on March 09, 2018, 10:51:50 PM
(https://scontent-lax3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/12728779_757142674421583_2128476785682799066_n.jpg?oh=acfb9f9fa84deddf610acc19c78809e7&oe=5AFF6A70)
Post by: Rocky on March 21, 2018, 08:10:00 AM
Post by: Bota-CS1 on June 22, 2018, 04:03:40 PM
https://www.facebook.com/AgencyArms/videos/1881163241914199/
Post by: Bota-CS1 on June 22, 2018, 04:14:10 PM
Post by: Rocky on July 05, 2018, 11:13:08 AM
Post by: aieahound on July 08, 2018, 09:08:25 PM
He never got it because his friends couldn't figure out how to dig his grave.
Post by: Inspector on July 19, 2018, 05:39:35 PM
Post by: drck1000 on July 20, 2018, 05:56:34 AM
Post by: drck1000 on July 20, 2018, 05:57:06 AM
Post by: Bota-CS1 on July 20, 2018, 06:34:09 AM
Post by: mrgaf on July 20, 2018, 07:16:25 PM
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, "FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ‘GE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO."
“FINE," THEN THE WIFE ASKS, "WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."
TO WHICH HE REPLIES, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ‘WESTINGHOUSE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO."
“FINE," SHE SAYS, "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK."
"I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS."
HE SAYS, "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'HOME HARDWARE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO - I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!"
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS...................... .. ......
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME.
AS HE WALKS UP TO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.
AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
“HONEY," HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?”
SHE SAYS, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM."
"HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE HIM A CAKE."
HE SAYS, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?"
SHE REPLIES, "HELLOOOOO... DO YOU SEE 'BETTY CROCKER' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?”
Post by: drck1000 on July 25, 2018, 06:10:09 PM
Post by: Rocky on July 30, 2018, 09:51:06 AM
;DBubba been working out. :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Post by: Inspector on August 28, 2018, 08:13:24 AM
Nancy Pelosi called Chuck Schumer one day and said, "I have a plan to help us win the midterms in 2018 and help us regain control of Congress."
"Great Nancy, but how?" asked Chuck.
“We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever. Then, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."
So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman, Montana. With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.
The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi?"
“Yes we are!" said Nancy, "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Chuck suggested we stop and take in some local color."
They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.
A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador , lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out.
A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.
For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads.
Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"
"Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, claiming there's a Labrador Retriever in here with two assholes!"
Post by: Inspector on September 14, 2018, 08:49:41 AM
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
Post by: Mr. Farknocker on September 17, 2018, 10:19:05 AM
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more - or - less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing $10.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her $10 "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' drywall..."
Post by: Inspector on September 20, 2018, 05:52:10 AM
https://www.liveleak.com/view?t=CQbmv_1537402452
Post by: oldfart on September 20, 2018, 12:23:32 PM
President Reagan tells a joke:...
https://www.liveleak.com/view?t=CQbmv_1537402452
:rofl:
Post by: Rocky on November 07, 2018, 06:45:42 AM
I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.
I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on EBAY any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off my front window.
I bought two Syrian flags and put one at each corner of the front yard.
Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN Buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flag pole.
Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7.
I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.
Plus, I bought burkas for me to wear when I shop or travel.
Everyone moves out of the way, and security can't pat me down.
If they say I'm a male wearing a burka, I just say I'm feeling like a woman today.
Hot Damn...Safe at last!!
Post by: oldfart on February 09, 2019, 07:26:49 AM
You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home.
The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.
By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable."
BUT. . .
In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."
In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."
In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.
In Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend."
In Wyoming or Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."
In Idaho, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."
In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."
In North Carolina, Virginia, WV, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky, South Carolina, and Minnesota he would be called "a deer huntin' buddy."
In Hawaii, New York, Illinois, and New Jersey he would be called a terrorist
AND OF COURSE. . .
In Texas, he'd just be "Bubba... who's a little short on Ammo."
Post by: Rocky on February 11, 2019, 11:23:42 AM
When I went to lunch today, I noticed a woman about 75-80 years old sitting on a park bench, sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
“I have a 22-year-old husband at home,” she says. “He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee.”
“Well, then why are you crying?” I ask.
“He makes me homemade soup for lunch,” she says, “and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon.”
“Well, so why are you crying?” I ask again.
She stops crying and says, “For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 am.”
“Well,” I ask, “Then what is the problem?”
She says, “I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!!!!”
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on February 12, 2019, 01:19:38 PM
The perfect Valentine's gift .... for yourself!
We will come to a place of your choosing on Wednesday, Feb 13th.
We will ARREST YOU in front of your wife and any other witnesses.
You will not be "arraigned and released" until Monday, Feb 18th.
Arresting "Officers" in full police uniform, complete with Cop cars and flashing lights.
Price includes:
- Camping Fees
- Fishing License
- Rental of Tent, Fishing Tackle, Camping Gear
- Sandwiches & Beer
Only $500 per person.
For an additional $250, upgrade 2 of your "incarceration days" aboard a chartered fishing boat with fellow "prisoners".
Call: (808) 555-1212
Post by: mrgaf on April 08, 2019, 08:06:32 PM
There were 3 brothers from China, Bu, Chu and Fu. When they moved to America, they decided to change their names.
Bu changed his name to Buck...
Chu changed his name to Chuck.
And Fu... Well, he had to go back to China! 😜
Post by: Mdotweber on April 09, 2019, 01:15:45 PM
...
To keep their guns from rusting!
Post by: mrgaf on April 10, 2019, 12:45:20 PM
why do Aussie's poor their used engine oil in their gardens?
...
To keep their guns from rusting!
[/quote]
:rofl: :rofl: :oops: :rofl: :rofl:
Post by: Mr. Farknocker on July 11, 2019, 09:19:26 AM
Visiting in Florida last week, I needed to go to the emergency room for a pain in my side. Not wanting to sit there for several hours, I put on my MAGIC GREEN HAT
When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people in the room got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. It cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.
Here's the hat:?? ($19.00 on Amazon, but worth every penny )
(https://i.vgy.me/i3VtQq.jpg)
??
It also works at Dept. of Motor Vehicles. It saved me several hours.
At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.
It might also cut your wait time at the grocery store.
But...don't try it at McDonald's??? The whole crew ran out the back door and I never did get my order!
Post by: oldfart on July 11, 2019, 10:34:45 AM
Post by: changemyoil66 on July 11, 2019, 10:41:45 AM
Post by: Rocky on February 09, 2020, 08:11:11 AM
The best story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and credit for this painful, but understandable story as told by a loving wife........
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Mrs. OF stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband,OF, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
"OF was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain.
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of OF's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, OF is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "Hi, I'm OF" The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife, the word is sternum."
:wave:
Post by: Inspector on February 09, 2020, 09:56:31 AM
The best story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and credit for this painful, but understandable story as told by a loving wife........Hey OF,
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Mrs. OF stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband,OF, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
"OF was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain.
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of OF's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, OF is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "Hi, I'm OF" The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife, the word is sternum."
:wave:
Sorry to hear about your scrotum. :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Post by: mrgaf on February 09, 2020, 11:58:49 AM
“Never use beefstew as a password
Not stroganoff” :crazy: :sleeping: :wave:
Post by: oldfart on February 10, 2020, 03:59:25 AM
Hey OF,...
Sorry to hear about your scrotum. :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
No that's not me.
My scrotum was gone after the divorce
Post by: Rocky on March 31, 2020, 10:35:39 AM
Last night she say's . . .
"You weren't even listening to me, were you ?"
I thought to myself . . .
"That's a pretty strange way to start a conversation" :wacko:
How about the rest of you ? :popcorn:
Post by: Eric808 on April 02, 2020, 02:28:41 PM
Post by: Rocky on April 02, 2020, 02:44:40 PM
This morning she's "saying something" and I hear "Pie and Latte's"
I say "I'm all in" :D
She says "Lets go" and starts this stretchy exercise thingy. :wacko:
I guess that's what they call a Pilate. :P
I tell her I'm too tired from Crossfit for Pilates, and she says" you didn't go to Crossfit, those were croissant's and you ate three of them. :P
Eh ? What ?
Post by: Rocky on April 03, 2020, 06:55:10 PM
So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm. ::)
Post by: DeejayTTHawaii on April 04, 2020, 01:02:53 AM
With this quarantine, things been getting a little "weird" around the house with the missus.
Last night she say's . . .
"You weren't even listening to me, were you ?"
I thought to myself . . .
"That's a pretty strange way to start a conversation" :wacko:
How about the rest of you ? :popcorn:
Yeah I hear ya man. My wife says the same thing. But then my response is:
"Yes, honey we went over this. I have tinnitus."
Post by: TastesLikeMetal on April 05, 2020, 03:03:01 AM
Post by: Rocky on April 05, 2020, 06:52:22 AM
Wifey walks in and asks what I'm doing and I reply "Hunting flies".
"Oh, get any yet " she say's.
"Yep, 3 males and 2 females" comes my answer.
Intrigued, she asked "How can you tell them apart?''
I tell her " 3 were on the beer can and 2 were on the phone." :geekdanc:
Post by: Rocky on April 07, 2020, 09:18:53 AM
SINGLES AD
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship.
Ethnicity not important.
I'm VERY good looking girl who loves to play.
I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy nights lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
When you get home from work, I'll be at the front door wearing only what nature gave me.
Call (404) 555-1212 and ask for Daisy.
Over 1500 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever. :rofl:
Post by: oldfart on April 07, 2020, 10:13:53 AM
Following ad appeared in the Atlanta Journal.============
SINGLES AD
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship.
Ethnicity not important.
I'm VERY good looking girl who loves to play.
I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy nights lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
When you get home from work, I'll be at the front door wearing only what nature gave me.
Call (404) 555-1212 and ask for Daisy.
Over 1500 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever. :rofl:
That's funny. Is there a happy ending?
Post by: changemyoil66 on April 07, 2020, 10:20:58 AM
11:00am-1
11:01am-0
1:15pm-1
1:16pm-0
Post by: Rocky on April 07, 2020, 03:11:20 PM
============
That's funny. Is there a happy ending?
Moral of the story is "Isn't it weird how you can trust your dog to guard your home, but not your sandwich ? :wacko:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 07, 2020, 04:33:30 PM
The nurse came over and said, "The doctor needs a urine sample, a stool sample and a semen sample for some tests."
Grandpa looked at Grandma and said, "What'd she just say!?"
Grandma yelled into his hearing aid, "She needs your underwear!!"
Post by: Rocky on April 07, 2020, 06:26:40 PM
Shes 84 now and we have no idea where she is.
Post by: Rocky on April 09, 2020, 08:26:56 AM
"What's the most risky and dangerous food you've ever eaten ?"
I said "Wedding cake". ::)
End of conversation.
Couch is giving me bad back.
Post by: Eric808 on April 09, 2020, 02:16:29 PM
So last night during dinner we were discussing weird foods and the wife say's
"What's the most risky and dangerous food you've ever eaten ?"
I said "Wedding cake". ::)
End of conversation.
Couch is giving me bad back.
:rofl: TU
I was going to send this to my wife, then got the slap on the back of my head. Is there room on the couch for me?
Post by: Rocky on April 09, 2020, 05:35:27 PM
:rofl: TUSorry, I don't know you that well. :love:
I was going to send this to my wife, then got the slap on the back of my head. Is there room on the couch for me?
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 09, 2020, 05:41:57 PM
Sorry, I don't know you that well. :love:
Sounds like he was trying to remedy that! :rofl:
Post by: Rocky on April 11, 2020, 09:03:19 AM
I propose Ku-kupuna !
+ 60 Old timers (Traditionalist's & most Boomer's) may post their jokes or words of wisdom to be recognized by the Millie's Gen X, Y, Z'rs
Must be over 60 to post (yeah ageism, whateveh's, get the "F" off my lawn :grrr:)
Me at 18 ;
"As long as I'm in bed by 3 am I'm good"
Me now ;
"It's 8pm already, we can't start a movie this late !" :sleeping:
Post by: Eric808 on April 11, 2020, 11:18:00 AM
Time for a new subject line.
I propose Ku-kupuna !
+ 60 Old timers (Traditionalist's & most Boomer's) may post their jokes or words of wisdom to be recognized by the Millie's Gen X, Y, Z'rs
Must be over 60 to post (yeah ageism, whateveh's, get the "F" off my lawn :grrr:)
Me at 18 ;
"As long as I'm in bed by 3 am I'm good"
Me now ;
"It's 8pm already, we can't start a movie this late !" :sleeping:
Good idea. Will be looking for the posting. :thumbsup:
Post by: oldfart on April 11, 2020, 11:50:06 AM
Time for a nap.
Wake me up in about a year.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 11, 2020, 12:42:41 PM
when "Happy Hour"
means an uninterrupted nap. :sleeping:
Post by: Rocky on April 12, 2020, 07:28:25 AM
" I have an interesting case here.
An old lady just shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped".
The Desk Sgt. say's "Have you arrested the woman ?"
He reply's "Not yet, the floors still wet.
Post by: oldfart on April 12, 2020, 08:14:50 AM
Post by: aieahound on April 12, 2020, 10:20:56 AM
How do construction workers party ?
They raise the roof.
An apprentice tells a Journeyman that he’s cold.
The Journeyman tells him to go sit in the corner.
Apprentice asks why.
Journeyman says because it should be 90 degrees.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 13, 2020, 09:50:53 AM
or Not Soon Enough to Laugh in a Pandemic?
https://youtu.be/Yofk_V3AOCI
Post by: Rocky on April 13, 2020, 07:52:42 PM
Post by: oldfart on April 13, 2020, 09:26:47 PM
You know your old when you're entering your birth year online and have to spin that thing like you're on Wheel of Fortune. :wtf:....
Unfortunately, I understand exactly what you mean.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 13, 2020, 09:36:42 PM
....
Unfortunately, I understand exactly what you mean.
When I answer a survey, I notice my age group is getting closer and closer to the last option. :shake:
Post by: aletheuo137 on April 15, 2020, 08:02:09 AM
1. Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
2. I used to spin the toilet paper like I was on “Wheel of Fortune.” Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.
3. I need to practice social distancing from ... the refrigerator.
4. Still haven’t decided where to go ... The Living Room or The Bedroom.
5. PSA: Every few days, try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believing all is well in the kingdom.
6. Homeschooling is going well. Two students suspended for fighting and one teacher fired for drinking on the job!
7. I don’t think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we’d go from Standard Time to Twilight Zone.
8. This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into the house, told my dog...we laughed a lot.
9. So, after this quarantine, will the producers of “My 600-Pound Life” just find me or do I find them?
10. My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
11. Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
12. Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said: “I hope I don’t have the same teacher next year.” I’m offended.
My Self-Isolation Quarantine Diary:
Day 1 – I can do this!! Got enough food and wine to last a month!
Day 2 – Opening my 8th bottle of wine. I fear wine supplies might not last!
Day 3 – Strawberries: Some have 210 seeds, some have 235 seeds. Who Knew??
Day 4 – 8 p.m.: Removed my Day Pajamas and put on my Night Pajamas.
Day 5 – Today, I tried to make hand sanitizer. It came out as Jell-O Shots!!
Day 6 – I get to take the garbage out. I’m so excited, I can’t decide what to wear.
Day 7 – Laughing way too much at my own jokes!!
Day 8 – Went to a new restaurant call
Sent from my SM-G900P using Tapatalk
Post by: Rocky on April 15, 2020, 09:25:05 AM
Stop saying to me "we'll all be better cooks or alcoholics." :grrr:
1. Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
I was already an amazing cook and I'm a third generation alcoholic.
I'm sorry you were such an under achiever before this. ::)
Post by: Rocky on April 15, 2020, 09:31:07 AM
Borrowed from a friend....May strike too close to home for some. Stay at home observations:
My Self-Isolation Quarantine Diary:
Day 1 – I can do this!! Got enough food and wine to last a month!
Day 2 – Opening my 8th bottle of wine. I fear wine supplies might not last!
Day 3 – Strawberries: Some have 210 seeds, some have 235 seeds. Who Knew??
Day 4 – 8 p.m.: Removed my Day Pajamas and put on my Night Pajamas.
Day 5 – Today, I tried to make hand sanitizer. It came out as Jell-O Shots!!
Day 6 – I get to take the garbage out. I’m so excited, I can’t decide what to wear.
Day 7 – Laughing way too much at my own jokes!!
Day 8 – Went to a new restaurant call
Your friend knows my sister ? :wacko:
https://2ahawaii.com/index.php?topic=36251.msg324212#msg324212
Post by: oldfart on April 15, 2020, 09:45:52 AM
great list of jokes
Post by: Rocky on April 19, 2020, 09:20:12 AM
Post by: Rocky on April 21, 2020, 09:54:13 AM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 21, 2020, 02:28:19 PM
Government and media keep telling me to "increase my social distancing" so I changed out my .308 die and started reloading 30-06 :thumbsup:
Sounds more like Sociopathic Distancing. :shake:
Post by: Rocky on April 22, 2020, 10:32:44 AM
Government and media keep telling me to "increase my social distancing" so I changed out my .308 die and started reloading 30-06
Sounds more like Sociopathic Distancing. :shake:Agreed, complying with government orders and believing MSM is definitely Sociopathetic. :crazy:
Post by: Rocky on April 22, 2020, 10:36:23 AM
Post by: Rocky on April 24, 2020, 12:52:22 PM
Post by: TastesLikeMetal on April 25, 2020, 02:16:39 PM
Post by: TastesLikeMetal on April 25, 2020, 02:18:22 PM
Post by: mrgaf on May 01, 2020, 03:17:06 PM
Jack is the son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.
However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.
She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt. Two other of the 6 children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, Were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.
:D :D :D
Post by: Rocky on May 02, 2020, 06:37:09 AM
Post by: Rocky on May 06, 2020, 11:27:05 AM
Post by: aieahound on May 10, 2020, 08:25:47 PM
Takes out a tiny piano and bench, then a little foot tall dude.
Foot tall dude sits down and starts playing Beethoven and Mozart.
Bartender walks over and asks what’s the story with the little dude.
Guy says, “Well I found a lamp, rubbed it and inside was a genie.
But I think the genie was hard of hearing.”
Bartender asks, “Why is that?”
Guy replies, “ Because he thought I asked for a twelve inch pianist.”
Post by: Rocky on May 13, 2020, 07:16:11 AM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on May 13, 2020, 12:48:20 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/CfALdEv.jpg) (https://imgur.com/CfALdEv)
Reminds me of:
"I miss my EX a lot, but my aim is getting much better!" :geekdanc:
Post by: Rocky on May 14, 2020, 04:13:56 PM
Post by: Rocky on May 18, 2020, 11:53:34 AM
Post by: GlockNewb on May 18, 2020, 02:37:00 PM
https://youtu.be/fFVyUZKO_rY
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on May 18, 2020, 06:28:15 PM
“This is a triple whammy...it mocks Joe Biden, it exposes the press, and it gets the press to mock Joe Biden.” *slow clap*
https://youtu.be/fFVyUZKO_rY
Sadly, Biden is the joke. The people who supported his decision to run should be ashamed. They know he can't win (and if he did, what a disaster it would be), but they all get a salary working on his campaign in the meantime.
Fund raise! Fund raise! Fund raise!!
Post by: GlockNewb on May 18, 2020, 08:08:32 PM
Sadly, Biden is the joke. The people who supported his decision to run should be ashamed. They know he can't win (and if he did, what a disaster it would be), but they all get a salary working on his campaign in the meantime.
Fund raise! Fund raise! Fund raise!!
So true. It’s seems cruel what the Ds are doing to this man, early stages of dementia and all.
They are certainly getting the candidate they deserve
Post by: GlockNewb on May 23, 2020, 11:17:49 AM
Post by: GlockNewb on May 23, 2020, 11:18:56 AM
The UN on gender-neutral language...
And the Babylon Lee on gender-neutral language...
Post by: Rocky on June 19, 2020, 09:19:01 AM
Post by: Inspector on June 19, 2020, 09:23:43 AM
(http://i.imgur.com/mP0bIXd.jpg) (https://imgur.com/mP0bIXd)Giving me some great ideas!! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on October 21, 2020, 12:21:19 AM
The San Francisco Mayor said in a press conference that these are now her #1 and #2 priorities.
Post by: oldfart on October 24, 2020, 03:29:22 AM
(https://i.postimg.cc/XNfX8zMQ/IMG-3793.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
Post by: Inspector on October 24, 2020, 03:45:27 AM
Post by: Inspector on October 24, 2020, 01:16:32 PM
https://youtu.be/kRhebHanoII
Post by: oldfart on October 24, 2020, 03:41:38 PM
Post by: Inspector on November 03, 2020, 10:17:01 AM
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....
Tourist: $5.00
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Democrat Baked or Grilled: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a high price for a Democrat?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."
Post by: Inspector on November 03, 2020, 10:21:40 AM
A fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their parents do for a living. All the typical answers came up - mechanic, business, sales, doctor, engineer... and so forth.
However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his parents, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Johnny aside."Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is trying to get Biden elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids.”
Post by: GlockNewb on November 09, 2020, 02:28:41 PM
https://youtu.be/FiYQ-2LE8us
Post by: oldfart on November 09, 2020, 03:32:20 PM
Apparently YT uses a voice recognition software and automatically red flags videos that have certain unsavory words.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on November 09, 2020, 04:25:25 PM
Oh my that is sad.
Apparently YT uses a voice recognition software and automatically red flags videos that have certain unsavory words.
The algorithm looks at videos' metadata among other things. In that metadata can be the closed captioned text. That's all they need to filter for "blacklisted" words. It's one reason many creators refused to mention Corona, Covid or Pandemic for fear of AI sanctions. Many avoided "virus", too. They used phrases like "these crazy times we're in" to substitute -- something the AI wouldn't filter.
Post by: GlockNewb on November 09, 2020, 08:02:21 PM
The algorithm looks at videos' metadata among other things. In that metadata can be the closed captioned text. That's all they need to filter for "blacklisted" words. It's one reason many creators refused to mention Corona, Covid or Pandemic for fear of AI sanctions. Many avoided "virus", too. They used phrases like "these crazy times we're in" to substitute -- something the AI wouldn't filter.
Indeed. Even Paul Harrell mentioned in his Top Ten Tips for Pandemic Gun Buyers, he requested his follower refer to the Wuhan Flu as “beer”, and he displays a Corona.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on December 13, 2020, 07:52:31 PM
Because the government won't give them away for free.
:geekdanc:
Post by: Mr. Farknocker on December 21, 2020, 04:33:09 PM
SIMPLE TRUTH 1:
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However, after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats."
But, none of them comes up to the man- touch his penis and say, "Good Job"
Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1 Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle
2 Forgive your enemy - but remember the asshole's name.
3 If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4 Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.
5 Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
BONUS RULES:
Condoms do not Guarantee Safe Sex! A good friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
I think all Politicians should wear uniforms. You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors! Also, all Politicians should serve only 2 terms, 1 term in office & 1 term in jail
Post by: Mr. Farknocker on December 23, 2020, 05:05:23 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-lDb0Dn8OXE
An oldie but goodie.
Post by: drck1000 on June 17, 2021, 12:49:08 PM
Post by: macsak on June 17, 2021, 12:58:59 PM
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20210617/8d364805c20f2528437b76ab4686bd4b.jpg)
Post by: 6716J on June 19, 2021, 08:32:05 AM
Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk
Post by: mrgaf on September 18, 2021, 04:10:45 PM
Post by: mrgaf on September 18, 2021, 04:12:01 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/SNIxNtW.jpg)
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 02, 2022, 03:48:22 PM
"Things could be worse. You could be stuck in a deep hole in the ground neck-deep in water."
I know she meant well.
:geekdanc:
Post by: GlockNewb on January 02, 2022, 06:44:16 PM
Fast forward to time marker 1:48...enjoy.
Post by: Inspector on January 26, 2022, 01:57:05 AM
Post by: oldfart on January 26, 2022, 06:47:41 AM
Post by: oldfart on March 09, 2022, 10:30:22 AM
https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/technology/firearm-enthusiasts-are-warming-up-to-smart-guns/ar-AAUNQi9?ocid=msedgntp#comments
Post by: mrgaf on March 14, 2022, 04:29:00 PM
US Army - 21 Hundred Hours
US Air Force - 2:00 O’clock in the afternoon
US Navy - Four Bells
US Coast Guard - It’s two hours to bar closing
US Marine Corps - Pulls out Mickey Mouse watch and checks the hands
DOD Civilian - Has an alarm clock set 1/4 hour before the end of the work day
Ooooh rah! :geekdanc:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 14, 2022, 04:38:55 PM
The bartender asks, "What can I get for you, friend?"
The dog looks up and says, "I'm looking for the son of a bitch that shot my paw!"
Post by: aletheuo137 on March 16, 2022, 05:55:27 PM
A Poo - Tin
Sent from my SM-A102U using Tapatalk
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 21, 2022, 11:06:02 PM
He said the pay and benefits are great, but finding a place to park is a bitch!
:geekdanc:
Post by: aieahound on March 22, 2022, 12:25:45 PM
Elin Nordigren with one swing. :rofl:
Post by: Rocky on April 04, 2022, 08:32:57 AM
It happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this girl. An award should go to the United
Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably
deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to
deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that
the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically,
the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir,
you'll have to get in line for that, too."
Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 11, 2022, 07:46:56 PM
Being it was last call, and the bartender was anxious to close up and go home, he decides to serve her one drink before asking her to leave -- to postpone, if not avoid, an argument.
Bartender says, "Last call, young lady. What can I get for you?"
The hooker says, "Gimme a double bourbon and a beer chaser."
As he's about to pour, the bartender looks back and asks, "You can pay for this, right?"
The hooker grins, lifts her skirt, and says, "You think this'll cover it?"
Without skipping a beat, the bartender replies, "You have anything smaller?"
Post by: groveler on April 16, 2022, 05:46:53 AM
https://babylonbee.com/video/174
enjoy!
:worship:
Post by: oldfart on April 16, 2022, 09:09:10 AM
Post by: GlockNewb on April 21, 2022, 09:04:08 AM
https://www.cnbc.com/2022/04/21/cnn-is-shutting-down-effective-april-30-sources-say.html
Post by: aletheuo137 on April 22, 2022, 10:59:13 AM
Sent from my SM-A102U using Tapatalk
Post by: groveler on April 24, 2022, 08:06:17 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-TAzE_WZgEw
My great grandfather was a Polish Jew so I can get away with this.
:popcorn:
Post by: oldfart on April 24, 2022, 09:32:29 AM
Post by: mrgaf on April 24, 2022, 01:56:05 PM
A man is drinking in a bar when he notices a beautiful young lady. "Hello there and what is your name?" "Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?" "I'm Jim." "Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight?" “Sure!" replies Jim. "Let's go!" At Stacey’s house, Jim notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk and asks, "Is this your brother?" "No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. "Is it your husband?" Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" "Then, it must be your boyfriend!" Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!" "Then, who is it?" Stacey replies, "That's me before my operation!"
Three ladies were on a bus stop bench. One of the ladies looks at the other and asks her if she is Native American, She says, "Yes, I'm Arapaho." "Is that so?" says the first, "It just happens that I'm a Navajo." The third lady looks at both of them and says, "I'm a Dallas hoe."
:D
Post by: Rocky on April 25, 2022, 10:22:43 AM
I asked her if she was a good which or a bad witch.
She told me she was Bi-Hexual
Post by: mrgaf on April 25, 2022, 02:41:37 PM
Was talking to this lady the other day regarding gender(s) and how it affected sexual preferences and she told me she was a witch.
I asked her if she was a good which or a bad witch.
She told me she was Bi-Hexual
:rofl: :shake: :wacko:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on August 07, 2022, 11:28:41 AM
You know the ones, right? They be Jalapeño business! :rofl:
(Let me know if you need translating. :geekdanc:)
Post by: oldfart on August 07, 2022, 11:38:10 AM
Ever meet a nosey pepper?...
You know the ones, right? They be Jalapeño business! :rofl:
(Let me know if you need translating. :geekdanc:)
It took a few seconds to translate the ebonics.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on August 07, 2022, 11:54:11 AM
...
It took a few seconds to translate the ebonics.
It works much better when told vs. read. :thumbsup:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on September 27, 2022, 06:06:03 PM
I'd tell you how frustrating that is, but I can't seem to find the words! :geekdanc:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on September 30, 2022, 05:33:51 AM
One came back positive.
The mechanic said it's terminal.
:shake:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on September 30, 2022, 05:40:55 AM
FACILITY MAINTENANCE
HOURS: M-F 8-5
We Fix Anything
Please knock ... Buzzer out of order
Post by: MassConfusion on October 01, 2022, 09:17:19 AM
Post by: mrgaf on October 01, 2022, 06:58:06 PM
Yesterday I noticed 2 round lumps on top of my car battery, so I had them tested.
One came back positive.
The mechanic said it's terminal.
:shake:
Yikes! You must have been shocked! :crazy:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on October 01, 2022, 08:44:40 PM
Yikes! You must have been shocked! :crazy:
The charges were even more of a jolt! :shake:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on October 01, 2022, 08:57:15 PM
After a few jabs and puns, he said, "What's wrong, Bud? Did you just find out your wife was a guy or something?" Everybody around him laughed.
I said, "I was enjoying a nice quiet evening. Nothing personal, but I'd appreciate a little less talking at the top of your lungs."
He made some faces, tried to make more jokes, and I finally said, "Listen, let's make a bet. If I win, you have to take your party to another bar. If you win, I'll buy 3 rounds of drinks for you and all your friends."
Of course he said yes! That's when I bet him, "I can jump higher than the average house. Wanna bet?" He bust up laughing. "Hell yeah, Superman! It's a bet!"
So, I stood up next to my chair, jumped up about 5 inches from the floor, and smiled. He said, "What was that? You just lost the bet!"
I said, "Not so fast. Now it's the house's turn!"
:geekdanc: :shaka: :rofl:
Post by: mrgaf on October 02, 2022, 07:04:30 PM
The charges were even more of a jolt! :shake:
Hope you didn’t amp things up…. :crazy:
Post by: mrgaf on October 02, 2022, 07:14:19 PM
Superman was on patrol in Metropolis on a sunny afternoon when he looked down and saw Wonder Woman laying on a tall rooftop, buck naked, writhing and moaning…
Superman wished he could have some super sex with her but was hesitant…..
After some thought he sad “shit, I’m Superman. I’ll just swoop in at super speed screw her at good and hard and fly off…she’ll never know who it was”
So down he went, nailed her real good and flew off before she knew what happened, laughing his ass off….
Wonder Woman said out loud “what the hell was that”?
The invisible man said “I have no damn idea but all of a sudden my ass hurts real bad”
:wave:
Post by: novalight on October 02, 2022, 10:13:21 PM
2 wrongs, doesn't make a right
But 3 lefts do
Post by: MassConfusion on October 05, 2022, 07:12:18 PM
If you heard of Gecko 45 you know. If not its a long read. You might even laugh.
https://lonelymachines.org/mall-ninjas/ (https://lonelymachines.org/mall-ninjas/)
Post by: Rocky on October 06, 2022, 09:22:39 AM
I just found this, its kind of old and some of you may have read it before.Could not stop reading this intriguing story.
If you heard of Gecko 45 you know. If not its a long read. You might even laugh.
https://lonelymachines.org/mall-ninjas/ (https://lonelymachines.org/mall-ninjas/)
Sent to an OP friend to give him inspiration. :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Post by: Rocky on October 06, 2022, 09:24:33 AM
From my childhood:
2 wrongs, doesn't make a right
But 3 lefts do
From my childhood:
2 Wong's don't make a White.
Pretty "waycist" back then.
No one knew what a Filipino was so I was "identified" as a Mexican. :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Post by: aletheuo137 on October 06, 2022, 11:45:37 AM
Sent from my SM-A102U using Tapatalk
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on October 11, 2022, 04:27:15 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on October 11, 2022, 04:57:36 PM
Me: "I keep obsessing over this song I heard last week. Morning, noon and night, I just can't get it out of my head!"
Doctor: "What song?"
Me: "That oldie -- What's New, Pussycat?"
Doctor: "Oh, that's called Tom Jones syndrome."
Me: "I've never heard of it. Is it very common?"
Doctor: "It's not unusual ..."
:geekdanc:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on October 11, 2022, 04:58:49 PM
Took it back and got a new one free of charge.
:geekdanc:
Post by: mrgaf on October 11, 2022, 08:19:30 PM
I bought a new sweater and kept getting zapped by static electricity.
Took it back and got a new one free of charge.
:geekdanc:
Was it old or current fashion? :wave:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on October 11, 2022, 08:25:12 PM
Was it old or current fashion? :wave:
I guess this would be in the "old" category.
Should have been a clue when I picked it out ....
(https://i.imgur.com/D2Kry6S.jpg)
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on October 12, 2022, 03:00:39 PM
Post by: Rocky on October 12, 2022, 04:05:40 PM
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Post by: oldfart on October 13, 2022, 07:39:58 AM
Loving those dad-type jokes. :rofl: :thumbsup: :shaka:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on October 18, 2022, 11:10:47 PM
:geekdanc:
Post by: Rocky on October 19, 2022, 04:16:58 PM
(https://i.postimg.cc/Hr8T3TjL/20221019-090019.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Hr8T3TjL)
Post by: macsak on October 19, 2022, 05:12:36 PM
Job Security found at my dentist's reception desk.
(https://i.postimg.cc/Hr8T3TjL/20221019-090019.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/Hr8T3TjL)
Post by: Rocky on October 21, 2022, 05:35:16 PM
(https://i.postimg.cc/xJNXG0Hh/eUZq92h.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/xJNXG0Hh)
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on October 21, 2022, 06:26:02 PM
#NotARealRoofer
(https://i.postimg.cc/xJNXG0Hh/eUZq92h.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/xJNXG0Hh)
They said "Fix the leak."
No more leak! :thumbsup: :geekdanc:
Post by: Rocky on October 24, 2022, 08:38:35 AM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on October 25, 2022, 05:36:16 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on October 25, 2022, 06:00:37 PM
Anna One
Anna Two
:geekdanc:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on October 25, 2022, 06:32:20 PM
He performed his finale as usual counting "Uno! Dos! ..."
But then he disappeared without a tres.
Post by: oldfart on October 26, 2022, 08:52:59 AM
What did the high school band director name his twin daighters?====================
Anna One
Anna Two
:geekdanc:
(https://i.postimg.cc/05LMhF4s/SMH.gif) (https://postimages.org/)
Post by: Rocky on October 28, 2022, 11:36:45 AM
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, '
No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on October 28, 2022, 09:12:11 PM
Let them know you prefer the less offensive term:
Father Figure.
:rofl: :geekdanc: :shaka:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on November 01, 2022, 05:38:06 PM
If you set a man on fire, you will keep him warm for the rest of his life!
:thumbsup: :geekdanc:
Post by: Rocky on November 01, 2022, 07:49:14 PM
Teach him to fish and he'll trash your boat, your gear and drink all your beer ! :grrr:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on November 06, 2022, 12:21:42 PM
but I can't for the life of me remember what it said or where I saw it! :crazy:
That reminds me, I signed up for a class promising to teach me to stop procrastinating.
I haven't gotten around to going yet.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on November 09, 2022, 01:20:44 PM
The next 3 dates, she ordered escargot again and again. The stuff isn't cheap, either! Yet, she only wanted to go to restaurants that offered the dish,
So I finally asked, "What's up with the escargot? Why do you like it so much?"
She said, "I'm really not that crazy about it, but my doctor advised me to stay away from fast food."
:geekdanc:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on November 12, 2022, 12:34:15 PM
It starts out with Hearts and Diamonds,
but eventually you're thinking about a Club and a Spade.
:geekdanc:
Post by: Rocky on November 12, 2022, 12:52:26 PM
Post by: Rocky on November 14, 2022, 02:59:57 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/wkKWr5Hm.jpg)
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on November 17, 2022, 12:16:23 AM
A: It's not hard.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on November 17, 2022, 12:20:33 AM
They put out an APB to be on the lookout for a pair of harden criminals.
:geekdanc:
Post by: Jl808 on November 17, 2022, 06:31:43 AM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on November 22, 2022, 05:14:38 PM
He sent me straight to the I.C.U.
:geekdanc:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on November 29, 2022, 05:20:12 PM
Am I right?
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on November 29, 2022, 05:57:25 PM
I never got a straight answer.
:geekdanc:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on December 02, 2022, 06:51:36 PM
I figure it'll be my last chance for a smoking hot body! :geekdanc: :D
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on December 02, 2022, 06:52:17 PM
A: A Brazilian!
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on December 02, 2022, 06:53:48 PM
That was before Grandma put the urn where I couldn't reach it.
:geekdanc: ;)
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on December 06, 2022, 02:10:11 PM
Did you wonder why you need a seatbelt inside your vehicle when the Cop is going faster than you to catch up and driving a 2-wheeled motorcycle?
Just seems like the people in charge don't think things through very well.
Post by: aletheuo137 on December 06, 2022, 02:13:08 PM
I went to an LGBTQ+ rally once and kept asking people what those letters mean.Let's get Biden to quit!
I never got a straight answer.
:geekdanc:
Sent from my SM-A102U using Tapatalk
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on December 06, 2022, 08:35:18 PM
Let's get Biden to quit!
It took me hours to figure out :wtf: that had to do with the joke!
I need a vacation! :crazy:
Post by: aletheuo137 on December 07, 2022, 12:59:05 PM
It took me hours to figure out :wtf: that had to do with the joke!I should have capitalize it!
I need a vacation! :crazy:
Sent from my SM-A102U using Tapatalk
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on December 07, 2022, 01:00:05 PM
She looked puzzled and said, "Sorry. I don't follow you."
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on December 07, 2022, 01:01:34 PM
A: They don't normally like each other that way.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on December 08, 2022, 12:33:06 PM
Now I have to get another prescription, but my doctor's on vacation.
I hope they're happy!
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on December 09, 2022, 03:41:35 PM
She did such a good job with me, I really don't care.
:wave:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on December 14, 2022, 12:56:22 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on December 14, 2022, 01:02:42 PM
Put them in a bowl of water.
Sinks -- girl ant.
Floats -- boyant.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on December 14, 2022, 01:07:37 PM
A: Who wants to know? :shake:
Post by: Rocky on December 14, 2022, 02:20:14 PM
Orna mints
Post by: Rocky on December 14, 2022, 02:21:12 PM
Help, I've fallen and I can't giddy-up.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on December 16, 2022, 01:53:29 PM
I feed, clothe, educate, and even inoculate him, all for just 75 cents a day.
That's pretty affordable for me, even when you add in the cost of sending him there.
:geekdanc:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on December 17, 2022, 10:03:49 PM
Fact: There are 1.4 billion people in China.
Fact: There are 7 billion people on Earth.
Therefore: 1 out of every 5 babies born on Earth are Chinese.
Conclusion:
If you've got 4 kids and you are expecting a 5th,
it will be Chinese.
Post by: mrgaf on December 19, 2022, 04:27:56 PM
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.
The husband loves this idea. He writes back to his wife that if she wants to have sex with him, she should reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, she should pull on his penis 100 times.
>:D
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on December 21, 2022, 04:19:47 PM
He opened his trench coat, and one of the nuns had a stroke.
The other nun was too slow.
:geekdanc:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on December 21, 2022, 05:03:44 PM
He grew three sizes that day.
:rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 01, 2023, 03:10:55 PM
Then I made the mistake of rubbing my eyes. Now i have Heinz sight.
Post by: oldfart on January 01, 2023, 04:52:39 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 03, 2023, 11:01:26 PM
The doctor told her, "Maybe try a little Head & Shoulders."
She said, "Okay, but ... how do I give him shoulders??"
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 03, 2023, 11:33:44 PM
A: Release a new iPhone.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 03, 2023, 11:39:28 PM
His name was actually Steven.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 03, 2023, 11:48:43 PM
Nobody's taking it harder than Grandma.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 04, 2023, 12:03:16 AM
A: A guy will try to find a golf ball.
Post by: oldfart on January 04, 2023, 06:53:49 AM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 08, 2023, 02:25:40 AM
For some reason, she can't get it to move at night. She's fine driving in the daytime, but at night, the car just won't go.
The Mercedes service rep scheduled an appointment the next day, and she was able to drive it there with no problems.
After an entire day running diagnostics and tests, the mechanics were stumped. Everything checked out.
The service rep then called to ask, "Are you sure you're putting it in the right gear? Maybe you're not able to see the console at night?"
To which she replied, "No, i can see it perfectly. i put it in "D" for Day and 'N" for Night ...."
Post by: groveler on January 09, 2023, 09:13:17 AM
A natural blonde purchases a new Mercedes, but a few days later she calls the dealership complaining.I normally don't pay much attention to "blonde" jokes as I think they are
For some reason, she can't get it to move at night. She's fine driving in the daytime, but at night, the car just won't go.
The Mercedes service rep scheduled an appointment the next day, and she was able to drive it there with no problems.
After an entire day running diagnostics and tests, the mechanics were stumped. Everything checked out.
The service rep then called to ask, "Are you sure you're putting it in the right gear? Maybe you're not able to see the console at night?"
To which she replied, "No, i can see it perfectly. i put it in "D" for Day and 'N" for Night ...."
picking on just one set of women when we know they are ALL nuts
sometimes, but that was a good one
Personally I just look at their tits..
:love:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 10, 2023, 02:40:32 PM
https://youtube.com/shorts/v9v4yzTwMdo?feature=share
https://youtube.com/shorts/oJbkyV2Qjc8?feature=share
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 10, 2023, 05:16:42 PM
So, I enabled Closed Captioning ....
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 10, 2023, 05:28:02 PM
A: They're afraid they might miss it.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 10, 2023, 05:40:42 PM
I said, "I love you so much!"
She asked, "Is that you talking or the beer?"
I said, "That's me talking TO the beer."
:geekdanc:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 17, 2023, 11:16:39 AM
Coffee Maker' titled "Free Coffee Maker from Dick's."
I wondered what a coffee maker would do if it was labeled "Dick's."
Based on my experience, the maker would make a fresh pot from the coffee grinds you added
and then immediately empty the pot before you could pour yourself a cup!
:geekdanc:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 22, 2023, 02:25:33 PM
I thought it would be boring, but I can't seem to put it down.
Post by: oldfart on January 22, 2023, 03:56:31 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 23, 2023, 01:18:25 AM
So, he handed in his too weak notice.
:geekdanc:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 23, 2023, 01:22:06 AM
I told him it looked really good, but it must have cost a pretty penny..
He said, "Nah. It was a small price toupee."
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 23, 2023, 01:35:45 AM
He was cremated so there'd be no coffin at the funeral.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 23, 2023, 01:40:00 AM
Social Media is saying it was race related.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 23, 2023, 01:46:06 AM
That's why people seem brighter until you hear them speak.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 23, 2023, 01:48:39 AM
I think he was being Frank.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 23, 2023, 01:50:34 AM
He smiled and said, "We boil the hell out of it!"
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 23, 2023, 01:51:46 AM
But I know that's just a Fanta sea.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 23, 2023, 01:52:51 AM
you might want to be tested for dyslexia.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 23, 2023, 12:07:20 PM
He got fired because he wasn't able to control his pupils.
:crazy:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 23, 2023, 12:09:31 PM
I replied, "I don't know, and I don't care."
:geekdanc:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 23, 2023, 12:21:06 PM
I told him, "That's the last thing I need!"
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 23, 2023, 12:25:25 PM
Not sure how I feel about that.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 23, 2023, 01:02:15 PM
Told him it was just collecting dust.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 23, 2023, 01:08:08 PM
It's a wrap song.
Post by: oldfart on January 23, 2023, 02:43:16 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 25, 2023, 01:59:08 PM
They hope this will put a dent in high school drinking.
:geekdanc: :crazy:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 25, 2023, 02:13:15 PM
He stopped at a farmhouse and called for a tow truck. While he waited, he went outside to see what the farmer was up to.
He asked the farmer, "Ever talk to your dog?"
The farmer said, "What? My dog can't talk back. Why would I do that?"
So the comedian asks the dog, "How's he treating you?"
The dog replies via the ventriloquist, "Great! Good scraps, lots of open space to run, warm bed in the barn. Wonderful life!"
The farmer was in shock. He couldn't figure out what just happened.
Then the guy walks over to the horse corral and asked a horse the same thing.
"Nice! Good oats, rides into town, no spurs. Love it!"
The farmer still can't figure out what's happening.
Then, as soon as the farmer noticed his guest was walking toward the livestock pen, the farmer yells out, "I think I oughta tell ya, the sheep lie!"
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 25, 2023, 02:19:22 PM
but you didn't get it.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 25, 2023, 02:34:27 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 26, 2023, 04:33:45 PM
One hot day, he took his grass trimmer and pruning shears to do some light sprucing up around the pond. He also carried a 5 gallon bucket in case some of the fruit growing nearby was ripe enough to pick.
As he neared the pond, he heard several female voices laughing and having a good time. As he drew nearer, it was obvious the young ladies were skinny dipping.
When the girls spotted him, they all swam to the far side of the pond. The farmer waved to the girls and commenced his chores.
One of the ladies yelled, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
To which the farmer replied, "I'm not here to watch you swim and run around naked. I just came down here to feed the alligators!"
:worship:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 29, 2023, 12:29:19 PM
Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 29, 2023, 12:31:14 PM
Unless you compare it to not running.
:geekdanc:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 29, 2023, 12:33:40 PM
except the dog?!
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 29, 2023, 12:34:46 PM
If you're being chased by a mob of taxidermists,
don't play dead!
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 29, 2023, 12:36:29 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 29, 2023, 12:38:38 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 29, 2023, 12:40:55 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 29, 2023, 12:41:57 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 29, 2023, 12:42:46 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 29, 2023, 12:44:17 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 29, 2023, 12:46:06 PM
I said, "Pretend you're fighting off a boa constrictor."
:geekdanc:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 29, 2023, 12:46:50 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 29, 2023, 02:15:39 PM
Of course, the title will have to be updated to The Woken Dead or something similar.
And i hear the Saviors are now all Vegan.
:geekdanc: :shaka:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 29, 2023, 04:41:55 PM
He managed to get 50% off...
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on February 01, 2023, 09:24:14 PM
However, when my therapist made me stop imitating a flamingo, i had to put my foot down.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on February 01, 2023, 09:26:34 PM
So, I was surprised when he confessed he can't count the number of times he failed math.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on February 01, 2023, 09:28:29 PM
Mine seems to only know one word: Good-bye.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on February 01, 2023, 09:30:05 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on February 01, 2023, 09:31:08 PM
Now the kitchen smells like burnt brownies.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on February 01, 2023, 09:34:13 PM
:geekdanc:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on February 01, 2023, 09:38:05 PM
The store pressed charges, and now her wages are being garnished.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on February 01, 2023, 09:42:06 PM
He lists his occupation as "Chicken Tender."
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on February 01, 2023, 09:43:39 PM
It's pointless.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on February 03, 2023, 12:11:52 AM
It was last spotted over LAX.
Post by: oldfart on February 03, 2023, 09:44:39 AM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on February 07, 2023, 10:35:39 PM
A: Sign Language.
:thumbsup: :geekdanc:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on February 08, 2023, 12:38:10 AM
A: A pencil has a point.
:geekdanc:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on February 08, 2023, 10:32:41 AM
A: In Instagrams.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on February 08, 2023, 11:03:11 AM
I don't know y ....
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on February 09, 2023, 01:02:35 AM
The host eventually walked over and explained why I was the only one there naked.
:oops:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on February 15, 2023, 08:20:49 PM
I said I'd been practicing, but I don't think I'm ready for competition yet.
(https://i.imgur.com/DzcFRvX.jpg)
Post by: oldfart on February 16, 2023, 04:31:20 AM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on February 16, 2023, 09:54:05 AM
It turns out it was the fridge all along.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on February 21, 2023, 03:24:31 AM
i wound up ordering a family bucket, just to keep everyone together.
#NoChickenLeftBehind
:thumbsup: :geekdanc:
Post by: mrgaf on February 28, 2023, 08:04:47 AM
https://youtu.be/HFr6mCDvZr8
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on February 28, 2023, 05:29:17 PM
I hope you take a good, long look at yourself.
:geekdanc:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 03, 2023, 01:24:18 AM
Guess who came crawling back?
:thumbsup: :geekdanc:
Post by: oldfart on March 03, 2023, 06:17:14 AM
Now if they can come up with a virtual BJ version I’ll buy it! >:D :wave:=====================
https://youtu.be/HFr6mCDvZr8
Just go to Suzies in Waipahu. I'm sure they have something you'll like. :rofl:
Post by: mrgaf on March 04, 2023, 08:52:57 AM
The servers are currently down.
:geekdanc: :geekdanc: :shaka: :wave:
Post by: oldfart on March 04, 2023, 09:56:05 AM
I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players.....
The servers are currently down.
:geekdanc: :geekdanc: :shaka: :wave:
Where is the "groan" emoji when you need it? :shaka: :rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 04, 2023, 12:16:33 PM
8)
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 04, 2023, 12:22:55 PM
I said it's strictly knead-to-know.
Post by: mrgaf on March 04, 2023, 05:56:44 PM
The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with a 5-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip, scowIs, and says, “Hey bartender! This crap is 5-year-old scotch.I told you that I wanted a 12-year-old.”
The bartender won’t give up and tries once more, this time with an 8-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces, and says, “Bartender, I do not want 8-year-old scotch like this filth. Give me a 12-year-old scotch or I’ll leave!”
Impressed, the bartender gives him the 12-year-old scotch on the house. The man takes a sip and sighs,
“Ah, now that’s the real thing.”
A disgusting, ugly, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, “Hey, I think that’s really far out what you can do. Try this one.”
The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, “Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!”
The drunk’s eyes light up and he says, “So how old am l?”
:crazy: :wacko:
Post by: mrgaf on March 04, 2023, 09:40:15 PM
I can stop anytime I want. :D
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 05, 2023, 12:07:42 AM
I'm clean now.
Post by: mrgaf on March 06, 2023, 09:56:41 PM
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now," said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact," said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old Devil," said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"
:crazy: :D >:D
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 06, 2023, 10:08:00 PM
At least "Nun" sounds like what it is -- or isn't.
:geekdanc:
Post by: oldfart on March 07, 2023, 02:31:56 AM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 07, 2023, 05:36:38 PM
Thinking back, I did buy my ex-wife a Rolex for Christmas. We were divorced less than 2 years later.
If only I had known beforehand, I could have bought her a watch much sooner!
... and a less expensive one, too!
:(
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 07, 2023, 05:45:28 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 07, 2023, 06:06:42 PM
I stand corrected.
Post by: nalo_b on March 07, 2023, 10:21:10 PM
58
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 07, 2023, 11:10:56 PM
What did 50 cent do when he was hungry?
58
Since you went there .... :geekdanc:
Why was 6 afraid of 7 ?
Because 7-8-9.
Post by: oldfart on March 11, 2023, 08:43:51 AM
(https://i.postimg.cc/43CMshG6/wuhan.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 14, 2023, 03:50:19 PM
you might be anti-semantic.
:geekdanc:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 14, 2023, 04:58:55 PM
Hard to say ... but their flag's a big plus.
(https://i.imgur.com/JqjrXGM.jpg)
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 14, 2023, 05:11:27 PM
So, I took up meditation.
:thumbsup:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 19, 2023, 04:41:31 PM
The doctor sent me home with a splint for my broken finger.
:geekdanc:
Post by: wirecounter on March 24, 2023, 12:40:03 PM
Because they have two left feet.
Sent from my SM-S908U using Tapatalk
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 27, 2023, 02:49:06 AM
The remaining 6% made it back home.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 29, 2023, 11:16:29 PM
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without those things.
:geekdanc:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 29, 2023, 11:25:04 PM
I still don't know what to add.
Post by: hvybarrels on April 07, 2023, 12:47:32 PM
Post by: oldfart on April 07, 2023, 01:03:31 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 07, 2023, 02:45:37 PM
it took a few seconds, but I got it :rofl:
At least that tranny can be rebuilt to factory specs.
:thumbsup: :geekdanc:
Post by: QUIETShooter on April 07, 2023, 02:48:25 PM
it took a few seconds, but I got it :rofl:
I was going to post that I need a few days, lol! But I got it after a minute or so..... :rofl:
Post by: hvybarrels on April 09, 2023, 11:18:19 AM
Post by: oldfart on April 09, 2023, 11:35:30 AM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 11, 2023, 05:52:32 PM
Two weeks later, there was a Republican fundraiser at the same venue. The reporter recognized the kid with the same half dozen kittens, but the box now read, "TRUMP KITTENS FOR SALE."
Figuring the kid was just catering to his customers' politics, the reporter asked playfully, "Hey, kid. What's the difference between a Biden Kitten and a Trump Kitten?"
The kid replied, "Now their eyes are open."
:thumbsup: :geekdanc:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 11, 2023, 06:00:24 PM
She under-reported her gross income.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 11, 2023, 06:07:12 PM
She had been cleaning and found bondage attire and S&M magazines in their son's room.
Mom asked breathlessly, "Well? What are we going to do?"
Dad said, "I'm no expert, but I think spanking is out."
:shake:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 14, 2023, 03:06:01 AM
I said I'm like a wild animal -- more afraid of people than they are of me.
:shake: :geekdanc:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 25, 2023, 04:31:03 PM
A: From the second hand store.
:geekdanc:
Post by: aletheuo137 on April 25, 2023, 07:14:31 PM
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 25, 2023, 08:34:12 PM
the Lone Ranger was taking a leak next to a cactus and was bitten by a rattler. Of course, as fate would have it, he was bitten in the "you know what."
He cried out, "Tonto! I've been bitten by a rattle snake! I need you to ride into town and fetch the doc!"
Seeing where the snake targeted his friend, he rushed as fast as his pony would carry him into town.
When he got there, however, the doctor was in the middle of delivering twins, and the mother was having a difficult delivery. So, he instructed Tonto to place a tourniquet on the member and to suck out as much poison as he could, careful not to swallow -- the poison! Hopefully that would be enough for him to make it back to town.
Tonto hopped on his tired pony and raced back. When he arrived, the Lone Ranger asked where the doctor was.
Tonto put his hand on his friend's shoulder and said, "Doctor say Kemo Sabe gonna die."
Post by: aieahound on April 26, 2023, 08:54:23 PM
It makes you lean…………
Against bars, tables, chairs, walls…..
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 30, 2023, 03:36:31 AM
I told him it doesn't matter. It's still a Camaro.
I'm now a Trans-phobe.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on May 07, 2023, 01:14:21 AM
If you don't know who she is, do some browsing. She's been on the Tim Pool show a few times.
https://twitter.com/MsBlaireWhite/status/1525154432496934912
(https://i.imgur.com/xlrVzx5.png)
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on May 12, 2023, 12:21:02 PM
Post by: oldfart on May 12, 2023, 01:16:32 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on May 26, 2023, 02:52:29 PM
dad jokes
Well, since you asked for it! :D
My older daughter was helping me clean the garage, and I asker her, "You see that -- over in the corner?"
She asked in return, "What? The ladder?"
I said, "I don't remember if I ever told you, but that's my step ladder. Sad to say, I never knew my real ladder,"
I had to finish cleaning the garage by myself. :geekdanc:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on May 30, 2023, 04:38:58 PM
I bet they had a few skeletons in their closet!
Post by: oldfart on May 31, 2023, 03:38:15 AM
I grew up next to a family of anorexic agoraphobes.:rofl:
I bet they had a few skeletons in their closet!
Post by: hvybarrels on June 01, 2023, 10:59:46 AM
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=43eqKhpu5w0
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on June 01, 2023, 11:43:02 AM
I know its not true but it’s still hilarious
The key to good comedy is timing. Would have been funnier if the measurements were incremental each time. Would have been more "believable."
:geekdanc: :thumbsup: :rofl:
Post by: astroboy on June 01, 2023, 12:08:42 PM
He can draw anything except a pay check.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on June 16, 2023, 01:17:59 AM
if I don't pay my exorcist by the end of the month,
I'll be repossessed.
:shake:
Post by: oldfart on June 17, 2023, 01:33:49 AM
Post by: aletheuo137 on June 27, 2023, 09:33:41 AM
Husband replied, "Well, we went to a ranch for our honeymoon.
While horse riding, my wife's horse jumped and my wife fell off.
She got up and patted the horse and said, "This is your first time."
After a while it happened again and she said, "This is your second time" and when it happened the third time, she pulled out a gun and shot the horse.
I shouted at her and said, "Are you crazy!? you killed the horse!!"
She gave me a look and said, "This is your first time."
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on June 27, 2023, 06:52:44 PM
I've been walking on eggshells ever since.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on June 27, 2023, 07:05:46 PM
Does he ever stop to listen to himself?
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on July 04, 2023, 12:47:03 AM
The very first question the detective asked the suspect was:
"What's the highest grade you completed in school?"
Suspect: "Highest grade?"
Detective: "Yeah."
Suspect: "I think a 'B'."
:rofl:
Next question asked was, "Did you finish high school?"
I'll keep you in suspense. :popcorn:
Post by: aletheuo137 on July 19, 2023, 09:42:46 AM
So, I donated my suit to Goodwill next door.
They cleaned and pressed it and put it in the window.
I bought it for $6.50
Nothing like a cheap suit.
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on July 19, 2023, 01:39:05 PM
I took my suit to the cleaners who wanted $18.00
So, I donated my suit to Goodwill next door.
They cleaned and pressed it and put it in the window.
I bought it for $6.50
Nothing like a cheap suit.
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
You might also save that $6.50 by claiming the charitable tax deduction!
:geekdanc: :thumbsup:
Post by: dogman on July 19, 2023, 06:38:20 PM
You might also save that $6.50 by claiming the charitable tax deduction!. . . It's a joke son. :geekdanc: :geekdanc: :geekdanc:
:geekdanc: :thumbsup:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on July 19, 2023, 07:12:57 PM
. . . It's a joke son. :geekdanc: :geekdanc: :geekdanc:
Just improving on it... son. :shaka: :geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on August 15, 2023, 04:52:36 PM
This morning when they came out, they were tied together.
I sh!# you [k]not!
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on August 19, 2023, 01:40:22 PM
Flattered, the two agreed.
The man asked them to stand facing him with the ocean behind them.
After posing for what seemed like a really long time, one gal asked the other, "What's taking him so long?"
Her friend replied, "I think he's trying to focus."
Surprised, the first woman asked, "Bofus??"
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on August 22, 2023, 04:42:42 PM
So, he offered $50 Billion to buy the FBI.
No word yet whether the Clintons are interested in selling.
:geekdanc:
Post by: mrgaf on August 30, 2023, 07:46:17 PM
He had a left ear, right ear and a frontier…. :geekdanc:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on August 30, 2023, 11:39:41 PM
Did you know that Davey Crockett had three ears?
He had a left ear, right ear and a frontier…. :geekdanc:
That's wild! :geekdanc:
I assume you know the song?
He also ate his pie Alamo'ed.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on August 31, 2023, 05:48:23 PM
MILF & COOKIES
https://youtu.be/N0pb9u6ZilA
Post by: aieahound on October 06, 2023, 07:52:24 PM
Old joke but way he tells it is funny.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on October 08, 2023, 10:44:45 PM
So, Sally saved up her money and traveled from Florida to see what they had to offer.
At the entrance was a big sign notifying shoppers of the rules:
1. There are 6 floors. "Value" increases with each floor.
2. After reading the notice at each floor's entrance, you may browse that floor or continue to the next higher floor.
3. You are not allowed to revisit a lower floor. You must always go up to continue shopping.
As Sally approached Floor #1, the sign at the entrance said:
These Men Have Jobs
Sally thought, "Well, that's promising. If this is the 1st floor, it can only get better." So, she continued on.
The sign at the 2nd floor read:
These Men Have Jobs and
Love Kids
Moving on, floor #3 said:
These Men Have Jobs,
Love Kids and
Are Extremely Good-Looking
"Wow!" she said. "That sounds great, but I have to see what's next!"
She makes it to the 4th floor, and now the sign reads:
These Men Have Jobs,
Love Kids,
Are Extremely Good-Looking and
Help With the Housework
"OMG!" she said. "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she decided she had to go on.
The sign on the 5th floor read:
These Men Have Jobs,
Love Kids,
Are Extremely Good-Looking,
Help With the Housework and
Have a Very Strong Romantic Streak
Even though the temptation was almost more than she could stand, she just had to find out what was on floor #6.
The 6th and Final Sign Read:
You Are Visitor Number 31,000,456 to This Floor.
There Are No Men On This Floor.
This Floor Exists Solely as Proof That Women are Impossible to Please."
:geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: oldfart on October 08, 2023, 11:02:20 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on October 09, 2023, 07:37:57 PM
She walks up as he's restocking the produce, and she asks, "Excuse me. I can't seem to find the broccoli. Can you please show me?"
He politely says, "I'm sorry ma'am, but we are out of broccoli. There should be more in the store tomorrow if you can come back then."
She doesn't respond, and just wanders off shopping again.
A few minutes later as he's stacking the oranges, she returns -- and again she asks where the broccoli is.
Again, he says, "Ma'am, we have no broccoli out here, and we have no broccoli in the back. You really need to come back tomorrow if you can. We expect a shipment then."
She once again wonders off, but a couple minutes later, he feels a tap on his shoulder. Right in his face, she says sternly, "How come I can't find any broccoli?"
He says, "Will you do me a favor?"
She asks, "What?"
He says, "How do you spell 'cat' ... like in 'catastrophic'?"
She looks puzzled, but replies, "C-A-T?"
"How do you spell 'dog' ... like in 'dogmatic'?"
"D-O-G."
He says, "So, how do you spell 'f*ck' ... like in 'broccoli'?"
She thinks a second and says, "There is no 'f*ck' in 'broccoli."
He says, "THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO TELL YA', LADY!"
:geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on October 09, 2023, 07:57:47 PM
Her ad read:
Wanted -- A Husband
- He must not hit me
- He must not chase after me when I want to go out with my friends
- He must be good in bed
The next afternoon, she answers the doorbell, and she finds a man in a wheelchair with no arms or legs.
She asks, "Can I help you?" to which he replies, "You're the lady who placed an ad for a husband? Well, I've come to apply for the position."
She laughed and said, "But you have no arms.' He said, "Well, I can't hit you, can I?"
Then she said, "You've got no legs!' "Then I won't be chasing after you if you go out, will I."
She looks frustrated and says, 'But the ad also said you have to be good in bed. How are you going to do that with no arms or legs?"
He grins and says, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
:geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: QUIETShooter on October 09, 2023, 08:57:51 PM
Post by: oldfart on October 10, 2023, 03:47:49 AM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on October 11, 2023, 11:40:55 PM
Let's take a hypothetical.
You're playing in the most important golf game of your career -- your pinnacle achievement if you take home that trophy!
After the 17th hole, you and another player are both 6 strokes ahead of the next closest score. It's "do or die" time. Whoever wins the next hole takes home the cup!
You tee up first. You take careful aim, relax and make your best drive of the day -- 350+ yards down the center of the fairway! As you smile and wave humbly to the gallery, you notice the look on your opponent's face as he walks to the tees. He is obviously feeling the pressure, and your drive didn't help at all.
Sure enough, the player's swing fails to make proper contact, and the ball is sliced into the trees. The only good news for him is the drive looked to be at least as far as yours, albeit in a less favorable direction.
Out of sportsmanship, you and your caddy join the player in the woods to help look for his ball. After 10 minutes, the player says, "With 4 of us plus the officials searching, we should have found it already. I think it's best if you go hit your second shot. If I can't find my ball before you swing, I'll go back and tee up a second one -- and take the 2 strokes for the lost ball.
You wish him luck, hit your second shot, and the ball lands perfectly on the green about 15 feet from the pin.
About the time you turn to see what's going on with the other guy, you hear the loud "WHACK!" of a ball being struck, and you watch in awe as it lands just a foot from the cup!
With a surprised look, you turn toward the player who yells cheerfully, "Found it!!"
This is when you ask yourself, "Do I take that cheating bastard's ball out of my pocket now, or do I wait to see if we go into a playoff?"
:thumbsup: :rofl:
Post by: oldfart on October 12, 2023, 05:29:57 AM
One of my all time fav movies.
BTW, the caddie was played by Harold Sakata, a local Hawaii guy who used to be a pro wrestler before WWF.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on October 12, 2023, 07:18:25 AM
The golf scene from "Goldfinger".
One of my all time fav movies.
BTW, the caddie was played by Harold Sakata, a local Hawaii guy who used to be a pro wrestler before WWF.
That movie came out less than 3 years after i was born!
Hello, Push-aye... :thumbsup:
(Pussy Galore :rofl: )
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on October 23, 2023, 04:32:41 PM
Her first question was, "What part of the body can increase in size 10 times when stimulated?"
Immediately, little Mary gasped and replied, "I can't believe you asked that!" Ms. Parks asked why not, and Mary said, "I'm going to tell my parents, and they are going call the principal and have you fired!"
Ms. Parks ignored that statement and continued her quiz repeating the question, but no hands were raised. Mary once again protested, saying that question has no place in a 6th grade class.
The third time the question was repeated, Billy nervously raised his hand. When called on by the teacher, he said questioningly, "The pupil of the eye?"
Ms. Parks smiled and said, "Correct, Billy. Very good! And as for you, Mary, I have only three things I want you to remember:
1. You have a dirty mind,
2. You didn't read your homework, and
3. One day you're going to be very, VERY disappointed."
:rofl: :geekdanc:
Post by: QUIETShooter on October 23, 2023, 06:29:06 PM
If I was Billy I'd ask if Mary would like to be my girlfriend.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on October 24, 2023, 04:37:26 AM
:rofl: :rofl:
If I was Billy I'd ask if Mary would like to be my girlfriend.
So you can start her on her journey of being disappointed?
:rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on October 24, 2023, 02:00:02 PM
Before entering they were warned: We have but one cardinal rule -- don't step on any of the ducks.
Upon entering Heaven, the three gasped at the sheer number of ducks there. They were everywhere!
At the end of the first day, one of the women accidentally stepped on a duck. God came to her and said, "As punishment, you are to be chained for all eternity to this, the most hideously ugly man in all the heavens."
The very next day, another of the three women stepped on a duck, too. God found the ugliest man, and again chained him to the woman as her eternal punishment.
A week goes by, and the last of the three managed to avoid the ducks. God called her over and chained her to one of best looking men she's ever seen in her life and again said this would be for eternity
Perplexed, she asked the man, "Do you think this is a reward for following the rules?"
The man replied, "I have no idea. All i did was step on a duck."
:geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on October 31, 2023, 04:16:32 PM
He's been totally revamped!
Happy Halloween!!
Post by: mrgaf on October 31, 2023, 04:51:54 PM
:crazy:
Post by: oldfart on October 31, 2023, 05:22:41 PM
:rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on October 31, 2023, 06:24:45 PM
Reason why witches can’t get pregnant is cuz warlocks have hollow wieners!
:crazy:
... and crystal balls.
Post by: mrgaf on November 01, 2023, 07:40:55 PM
... and crystal balls.
Thought that was fortune tellers….. :wave:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on November 01, 2023, 08:05:53 PM
Thought that was fortune tellers….. :wave:
I have proof -- with one of the most famous wizards ever...
If ever a Wiz there was
If ever, oh ever, a Wiz there was
(https://i.imgur.com/LvaS472.jpg)
And then there are these Wizards in training:
(https://i.imgur.com/xAhJ7Cp.jpg)
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on November 07, 2023, 11:13:24 PM
The rocket will be called Apollo G.
:geekdanc:
Post by: oldfart on November 07, 2023, 11:17:20 PM
Post by: mrgaf on November 08, 2023, 07:54:30 PM
Post by: oldfart on November 13, 2023, 02:27:07 AM
==============
Rules of Life
There are three things that cannot be easily hidden: The Sun,The Moon and the Truth.
The following are 2 Simple Truths, 5 Rules of Life, and 3 Bonus Rules:
SIMPLE TRUTH 1:
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
After sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
When a woman is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congratulations."
But none go up to the man, touch his penis and say, "Good Job."
Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Money can't buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the asshole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again
4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.
5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
BONUS RULES:
1. Condoms do not guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
2. I think all politicians should wear uniforms. You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors.
3. Also, all politicians should serve only two terms - one in office and one in prison.
This was a public service announcement. No need to thank me
Post by: QUIETShooter on November 13, 2023, 08:55:25 AM
Just passing this along from a friend....
==============
Rules of Life
There are three things that cannot be easily hidden: The Sun,The Moon and the Truth.
The following are 2 Simple Truths, 5 Rules of Life, and 3 Bonus Rules:
SIMPLE TRUTH 1:
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
After sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
When a woman is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congratulations."
But none go up to the man, touch his penis and say, "Good Job."
Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Money can't buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the asshole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again
4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.
5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
BONUS RULES:
1. Condoms do not guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
2. I think all politicians should wear uniforms. You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors.
3. Also, all politicians should serve only two terms - one in office and one in prison.
This was a public service announcement. No need to thank me
:thumbsup:
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on November 13, 2023, 10:29:51 AM
Evidence?
1. Jeremiah ... Was a good friend of mine.
It's obvious that being friends with a Bullfrog would be impossible, as he is a cold-blooded creature. By nature, he would be incapable of returning any feelings of warmth and friendship.
2. I never understood a single word he said
The singer doesn't speak French.
3. But I helped him drink his wine, and he always had some mighty fine wine.
The French are among the worlds best winemakers, producing some of the best wines for centuries. Also, the French are famous for their love of wines, having wine with almost every meal. Not surprising that Jeremiah would always have a bottle of fine wine. It's unlikely that a real Bullfrog would have the means or ability to possess any wine to share much less "mighty fine wine" that we have to assume cost more than some cheap variety.
4. "Frog" is American slang for "Frenchman."
I rest my case.
:shaka: :geekdanc:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on November 14, 2023, 11:23:44 PM
I think I might have a malpractice claim. When I got home after the procedure, the kids were still there!
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on November 14, 2023, 11:25:34 PM
The next hour is FREE!!
:geekdanc: :thumbsup:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on November 15, 2023, 12:20:20 AM
The doctor says he might have a cure for that. He tells her, "Whenever you see your husband losing his temper, get a mouthful of water and "swish' it in your mouth. Don't swallow it until he calms down or leaves the room. Just keep swishing it. Swish, swish, swish!! Once he calms down, swallow the water completely."
Two weeks later, the woman, looking refreshed and relaxed, stops by the office to tell the doctor that his cure worked! "Doctor, i can't believe it! Every time he started to lose his temper, i started swishing water, and he'd calm down in a minute or less. How did a glass of plain water do that?"
The doctor told her, "Oh, the water itself does absolutely nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
:rofl: :geekdanc:
Post by: Eric808 on November 15, 2023, 09:11:58 AM
:rofl: :worship:
I laughed, then the thought of sending this to my wife....cold chill. Good hing I said it on the inside.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on November 21, 2023, 09:59:27 PM
Then someone installed a security camera in the break room.
:geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: oldfart on November 22, 2023, 01:12:48 AM
When I was younger, I could eat anything I wanted and get away with it.=============
Then someone installed a security camera in the break room.
:geekdanc: :rofl:
funny, but that happened quite a few times at my work places
Then we actually did install a security camera in the break room
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on November 22, 2023, 03:24:23 AM
=============
funny, but that happened quite a few times at my work places
Then we actually did install a security camera in the break room
Yeah, i bet we've all been there.
My sister has that entitlement syndrome -- where she gets whatever she wants because she "needs" it ... no other reason.
I walked in on her eating a bag a Fritos at the kitchen table. I asked where she got them, and she said right here on the table.
I told her I bought those for my dinner that night (I worked 3pm - 11pm at the textile mill that Summer), and I was in the kitchen to pack my food for work. I was mad, because I would never do that, and now I don't have what I planned for food that night.
Her excuse? "Well, I didn't know whose they were." What? Unbelievable. If she has no clue who owns something, it's okay to just take it? Boggles the mind!
I said, "Well, you sure as hell knew they weren't yours! Weren't you ever taught not to take things you know don't belong to you?"
She had this look like "that doesn't make any sense."
$100 says she's taken coworker's food from the fridge at work many, many times.
???
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on November 22, 2023, 03:34:47 AM
I'm sure most here have never seen it. You have to unroll it all the way....
:geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on November 22, 2023, 03:38:22 AM
That got me thinking. Could it be my wife ... or my girl friend?
Post by: aletheuo137 on November 22, 2023, 08:33:17 AM
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: aletheuo137 on November 22, 2023, 10:03:56 AM
In the same 11 years only one person died eating donuts.
Make good choices people.
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: oldfart on November 23, 2023, 03:47:11 AM
Making fun of California wokeness. :rofl:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwJlKw56l30&t=159s
Post by: QUIETShooter on November 23, 2023, 06:22:18 AM
When I was younger, I could eat anything I wanted and get away with it.
Then someone installed a security camera in the break room.
:geekdanc: :rofl:
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Did you know condoms sold in the US have a serial number laser-etched on each one?
I'm sure most here have never seen it. You have to unroll it all the way....
:geekdanc: :rofl:
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
I read a stat a long time ago that said 1 in 3 who are in a relationship has cheated on their partner.
That got me thinking. Could it be my wife ... or my girl friend?
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Post by: QUIETShooter on November 23, 2023, 06:23:47 AM
Beware of Holiday scams this year, because I ordered my wife some expensive jewelry for Christmas and they just sent me a new gun with two boxes of ammo.
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Over the last 11 years 115 people died in weightlifting accidents at the gym.
In the same 11 years only one person died eating donuts.
Make good choices people.
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Post by: QUIETShooter on November 23, 2023, 06:33:39 AM
Here is a funny parody video that I saw on the 1911 forum.
Making fun of California wokeness. :rofl:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwJlKw56l30&t=159s
Had to laugh to this video. It's funny and witty. :thumbsup:
Problem is, while being funny, it hits hard home. The parody in the video unfortunately is the harsh reality that kommifornia has become.
So then I started to cry. But I stopped myself. And I asked myself. "Why cry?"
Embrace the inevitable. Because this crap will be coming to Hawaii soon, if it didn't already. :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on November 24, 2023, 03:47:10 PM
Dave is always name-dropping around the office, and finally his boss got fed up with his bragging. So, he calls him into the office and tells him, "Put up or shut up, Dave. Either prove you know these people, or stop all the name-dropping. It's annoying everyone in the office."
Dave replies, "I'm not bragging. I really do know a lot of people. Name anyone, and I'll prove it if I know them."
His boss thinks about it and says, "Fine! How about Tom Cruise?"
Dave: "Tom? We go way back. We went to school together. If you want, I can call him as proof."
Boss: "I have a better idea."
So the two hop a plane to Hollywood where they get dropped off in front of Tom Cruise's mansion. They ring the doorbell, and as soon as Cruise opens the door, he grins and says, "Dave! What a surprise! Come on in and have a beer so we can catch up!"
The boss was amazed, but also sketptical that somehow he was set up. So he says, "I'm still not convinced. This might have been sheer luck."
Dave: "Go ahead then. Name someone else."
Boss: "How about the President?"
Dave: "Joe? I've known him forever."
So at the airport, they change their flight and head for DC. After they arrive, they go straight to the White House and join the public tour.
As the tour group rounded the corner near the Oval Office, President Biden came out. He immediately shouted, "Dave, you old sumbitch! How are you?"
The boss was shocked. No way did Dave have the opportunity to set this up. But, he was still skeptical.
Boss: "You're either the best prankster that ever lived, or you're just really lucky I picked those names. I' m still not 100% convinced."
Dave: "Okay. Let's try again, and this time make it more difficult."
Boss: "I've got it! You might know people in this country, but I'm betting you never met the Pope!"
Dave: "Met him? Why, he and I go way back!"
And off to Rome they go ...
Standing in the courtyard of Vatican City waiting for the Pope to appear on his balocny for the evening blessing, Dave looked around nervously.
Dave: "There's a LOT of people here. I don't think I'll be able to get the Pope's attention among this crowd. So, I tell you what. I know the guards. If they agree, I'll join the Pope up on the balcony. Just keep looking that direction."
Boss: "i still think you're pulling my leg, but go ahead -- I'll be here."
About 30 minutes later, the Pope walks out onto the balcony, and Dave is right by his side!
As Dave makes his way back to his boss, he sees a commotion and lots of paramedics and police. When he gets closer, he sees his boss lying down while EMTs attend to him.
Dave: "Oh no! What happened?"
Boss: "This was the final straw. I think I suffered a heart attack, and it's all because of you!"
Dave: "Me? Just because I know Tom Cruise, Joe Biden and the Pope?"
Boss: "That wasn't what did it. The final straw was when you walked out onto that balcony, and the guy standing beside me said, 'Who's that guy standing next to Dave?'"
:rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on November 24, 2023, 11:33:38 PM
She said, "I don't want you to hang out with my husband ever again!"
I asked why not? And she said, "Because you're a terrible influence on him!"
I then asked, "So, what did he do that was so terrible?"
Her: "He called me a horrible, nasty name when we were arguing, and I know he never used that kind of language before you started going around town with him."
Me; "Well, what did he say?"
Her: "It's just too horrible for me to repeat."
Me: "Um, was it bitch?"
Her: "No, it was not the b-word."
Me: "uh-oh. Then was it c-nt?"
Her: "No, it wasn't that, either."
Me: "Well then, he didn't hear whatever it was from me!"
:rofl: :geekdanc:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on November 29, 2023, 12:04:57 PM
(hint: it's the Christmas Season)
(https://i.imgur.com/DrKlXCw.jpg)
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on November 30, 2023, 04:52:35 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/sredka9.jpg)
Post by: oldfart on November 30, 2023, 10:25:59 AM
Took me a second or two. :rofl: :rofl:...
(hint: it's the Christmas Season)
(https://i.imgur.com/DrKlXCw.jpg)
Had to Google it to jog my memory
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on December 02, 2023, 08:31:20 AM
due to inflation.
Eating out has never been so expensive!
:geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on December 03, 2023, 01:33:45 AM
What I found is for men it's 76 years, and for women it's 81.
I figure i have a few good years left .... before I have to transition.
:geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: oldfart on December 03, 2023, 03:55:44 AM
My birthday is today, and I was curious what the latest life expectancy numbers are since they change regularly....
What I found is for men it's 76 years, and for women it's 81.
I figure i have a few good years left .... before I have to transition.
:geekdanc: :rofl:
Was this supposed to be funny?
Here is something funny. I just arranged my own funeral 3 days ago. I am currently shopping for a Koa wood urn for myself. My kids didn't like my original idea of an Amazon box.
Post by: QUIETShooter on December 03, 2023, 06:56:23 AM
My birthday is today, and I was curious what the latest life expectancy numbers are since they change regularly.
What I found is for men it's 76 years, and for women it's 81.
I figure i have a few good years left .... before I have to transition.
:geekdanc: :rofl:
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Those gray haired ladyboys....they'd do anything for a few more years. :rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on December 03, 2023, 07:11:17 AM
...
Was this supposed to be funny?
Here is something funny. I just arranged my own funeral 3 days ago. I am currently shopping for a Koa wood urn for myself. My kids didn't like my original idea of an Amazon box.
I always found urns and boxes of ashes displayed in homes rather creepy.
My mother kept her mother's ashes in an urn I bought her, mainly because she didn't want to buy a plot.
When my mother passed, we buried the urn with her and basically had a dual grave with 2 markers. It was that or figure out something else to do with the ashes.
If you're suggesting an Amazon box to cheap out, you'll be happy to know the ashes are returned in a plastic bag inside a cardboard box already. :thumbsup:
And "funny" is in the eye of the beholder!
:geekdanc:
Post by: oldfart on December 03, 2023, 08:02:55 AM
I always found urns and boxes of ashes displayed in homes rather creepy.==========
My mother kept her mother's ashes in an urn I bought her, mainly because she didn't want to buy a plot.
When my mother passed, we buried the urn with her and basically had a dual grave with 2 markers. It was that or figure out something else to do with the ashes.
If you're suggesting an Amazon box to cheap out, you'll be happy to know the ashes are returned in a plastic bag inside a cardboard box already. :thumbsup:
And "funny" is in the eye of the beholder!
:geekdanc:
The koa box is to be buried at our family graveyard. It's not supposed to be sitting around next to the TV. :rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on December 03, 2023, 09:07:16 AM
==========
The koa box is to be buried at our family graveyard. It's not supposed to be sitting around next to the TV. :rofl:
:thumbsup:
Post by: Rocky on December 03, 2023, 02:18:15 PM
I always found urns and boxes of ashes displayed in homes rather creepy.My father loved Vegas and craps. :love:
When he passed, :'( I took his ashes to the top of the Strat in Vegas, got into the XScream and when it snapped to a stop 866 ft above the ground hanging 25 ft over the edge, I let loose his ashes.
A slight panic ensued atop the tower as the large dark grey cloud exploded and proceeded to drift towards the strip. :shake:
After being pulled back in, I find that I was not the first to do so and was free to leave.
Post by: oldfart on December 03, 2023, 02:26:48 PM
My father loved Vegas and craps. :love:======
When he passed, :'( I took his ashes to the top of the Srat in Vegas, got into the XScream and when it snapped to a stop 866 ft above the ground hanging 25 ft over the edge, I let loose his ashes.
A slight panic ensued atop the tower as the large dark grey cloud exploded and proceeded to drift towards the strip. :shake:
After being pulled back in, I find that I was not the first to do so and was free to leave.
ok...that's just weird and gross
But FYI, I knew a couple guys from the club that had their ashes shot into the backstop at the action pistol range.
Maybe I'll have that done for me when I bite the bullet. :rofl:
BTW, The heavy equipment started in on the action bays during the last week.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on December 03, 2023, 02:39:48 PM
My father loved Vegas and craps. :love:I assume you mean STRAT.
When he passed, :'( I took his ashes to the top of the Srat in Vegas, got into the XScream and when it snapped to a stop 866 ft above the ground hanging 25 ft over the edge, I let loose his ashes.
A slight panic ensued atop the tower as the large dark grey cloud exploded and proceeded to drift towards the strip. :shake:
After being pulled back in, I find that I was not the first to do so and was free to leave.
A lot of states treat cremated ashes the same as human remains which can be a problem scattering them if you are not following the law that applies to all human remains.
"Cremains" can be scattered legally in most states, but for private property (your case) you should get the permission of the property owner/manager first. You got lucky, especially if they had to stop the rides, deal with the situation as a security problem, etc.
Here's good reading on the cans and can'ts:
https://lifehacker.com/where-it-s-legal-to-scatter-ashes-and-where-it-isn-t-1850616393
Post by: aletheuo137 on December 04, 2023, 10:35:20 AM
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: QUIETShooter on December 04, 2023, 10:48:26 AM
My father loved Vegas and craps. :love:
When he passed, :'( I took his ashes to the top of the Srat in Vegas, got into the XScream and when it snapped to a stop 866 ft above the ground hanging 25 ft over the edge, I let loose his ashes.
A slight panic ensued atop the tower as the large dark grey cloud exploded and proceeded to drift towards the strip. :shake:
After being pulled back in, I find that I was not the first to do so and was free to leave.
Damn you're gutsy. :thumbsup: That would mean you had both hands free holding your Dad's ashes so you can release them.
I would've sh*t my pants on that ride trying to do what you did..... :rofl:
But your Dad is very proud of you, his son :shaka:
Post by: aletheuo137 on December 04, 2023, 01:17:39 PM
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on December 04, 2023, 02:57:42 PM
https://x.com/PapiTrumpo/status/1731716738876649894?s=01
Malfunction. :wacko:
Post by: aletheuo137 on December 04, 2023, 05:35:24 PM
Malfunction. :wacko:Works for me!(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20231205/e9ad8d300f22f93e5e368d475490cf5d.jpg)
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: oldfart on December 05, 2023, 02:57:52 AM
https://x.com/PapiTrumpo/status/1731716738876649894?s=01...
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
:rofl:
Post by: mrgaf on December 05, 2023, 04:30:46 PM
Three gay men died, and were cremated... Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. The first man said, ''My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane to scatter his ashes in the sky.'' The second man said, ''My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.'' The third man said, ''My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time.''
;)
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on December 05, 2023, 06:20:57 PM
After the "hour" unit was decided on, they stopped counting after the first 24 and called it a day.
Post by: mrgaf on December 05, 2023, 06:51:54 PM
Early humans were fascinated with the rise and fall of the Sun, so much so they started finding ways to track and measure the time between dawn and dusk.
After the "hour" unit was decided on, they stopped counting after the first 24 and called it a day.
If they had pocket watches you might say they had time on their hands :wacko:
Post by: aletheuo137 on December 08, 2023, 08:17:39 AM
Finally, after 40 years of hard work, "Mom, I've made it!!"
Available Balance $9.11
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on December 08, 2023, 09:40:27 AM
When I was young man, I didn't have very much money. My mom always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number."
Finally, after 40 years of hard work, "Mom, I've made it!!"
Available Balance $9.11
I guess I "made it" much, much sooner than that -- I would have been dialing the operator.
Post by: oldfart on December 08, 2023, 01:56:49 PM
When I was young man, I didn't have very much money. My mom always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number."============
Finally, after 40 years of hard work, "Mom, I've made it!!"
Available Balance $9.11
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
I got the area code :rofl:
Post by: Rocky on December 09, 2023, 07:13:59 AM
When I was young, we were so poor, if I hadn't been born a boy I would have had nothing to play with ! ::)
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on December 09, 2023, 09:38:04 AM
Think you had it bad.
When I was young, we were so poor, if I hadn't been born a boy I would have had nothing to play with ! ::)
For Christmas one year, I didn't get toys. All I got was a pair of scissors.
The card that came with it said, "Cut holes in your pockets, so you'll always have something to play with!"
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on December 09, 2023, 09:40:25 AM
She put her finger to her lips and whispered, "Shhhhhhh! They're right behind you."
:rofl: :thumbsup: :geekdanc:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on December 09, 2023, 10:58:21 AM
They're making a new movie about a gender-fluid whale.
They're calling it Maybe Dick.
:geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on December 09, 2023, 05:42:12 PM
Of course, that was until the librarian made me take it out!
:geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: oldfart on December 10, 2023, 05:34:50 AM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on December 10, 2023, 08:45:39 PM
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
It was so popular that he was awarded the No Bell Prize.
:geekdanc: :geekdanc: :geekdanc:
Post by: mrgaf on December 13, 2023, 02:02:12 PM
That'd suck, wooden tit?
Post by: mrgaf on December 13, 2023, 02:06:59 PM
:wacko:
Post by: oldfart on December 13, 2023, 04:15:33 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on December 16, 2023, 02:31:01 PM
Psychic Convention Today
That was all it said, I guess that's one way to screen out the fakes!!
:geekdanc: :thumbsup:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on December 16, 2023, 02:33:29 PM
The speaker walked on stage and began with, "Anyone here with telekinesis, raise my hand..."
:rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on December 20, 2023, 12:29:42 PM
That being said, if my neighbor doesn't turn that crap down, Ima pop a cap in dat ass!!
:rofl: :geekdanc:
Don't red flag me, bro!
Post by: aletheuo137 on December 26, 2023, 08:14:11 AM
probably wasn't my best idea.
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on December 26, 2023, 02:29:58 PM
When she came home from work a few weeks out from the holiday, I asked her, "Now, don't worry about cost, because this is a gift. If you could have anything for Christmas, what would it be?"
She smiled the biggest smile -- like a kid sitting on a mall Santa's lap and reading off her list -- and she told me, "Something nice with lots of diamonds!!"
I found her the nicest, most expensive deck of cards Amazon had to offer.
That's probably the quietest Christmas Eve I can remember!
:geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on December 28, 2023, 02:10:58 PM
They met at the nicest restaurant in town, and while one excused himself to visit the restroom, the topic of children came up.
One of them beamed with pride and said, "My son studied economics and became a banker. After rising to the top management, he became so rich, he bought his best friend a Ferrari."
The second chimed in, "My son became a pilot and started his own airline. He became so rich, he bought his best friend a jet."
Friend #3 said his son studied engineering. "He became so rich, he built his best friend a castle!"
Friend #4 then came back from the toilet and asked what all the talk was about. They told him they were just talking about how successful their sons are. Friend #3 asked #4, "How is your son doing?"
#4 replied, "My son is gay and works as a stripper at a gay bar."
The other three lost the smiles they were wearing and said how he must be so disappointed with his son.
"Oh, no! Not at all!," said their friend. "In fact, last week was his birthday, and he wanted to show off the gifts his boyfriends gave him. He picked me up in his Ferrari and flew me in his private jet to his castle!"
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on December 30, 2023, 11:40:34 AM
He found it hard to believe when the couple claimed they had never had a disagreement since their honeymoon. For 25 years, they never once argued.
The husband then explained:
On the first day of our honeymoon trip, we went horseback riding. My horse was quite obedient and well behaved, but the one my wife was riding seemed to spook easily at the slightest thing.
About 20 minutes into the ride, my wife's horse was startled by something and threw her to the ground. Without appearing upset, she got up, brushed herself off, looked the horse in the eye and said quietly, "That's one."
About 15 minutes later, a small animal scurried across the trail in front of my wife. Her horse once again overreacted, and my wife found herself on the ground yet again. She calmly told the horse, "That's two."
Not long after that, she was thrown again, this time because a nearby farm truck backfired. Without a word, she retrieved a small revolver from her backpack and shot the horse dead on the spot!
I was in shock! I yelled, "What the f***k! Are you crazy? You can't just shoot an animal like that for misbehaving, especially when it's someone else's! You've lost your damn mind!!"
She looked me in the eye and said quietly, "That's one."
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 02, 2024, 10:59:02 AM
William was obsessed with her, but he was overly obsessed with the queen's bosom. Her breasts haunted his dreams, as they were among the largest and most perfect he'd ever encountered.
William confided his attraction to his friend, Francis, who was an advisor to the king. Francis told William that for the sum of 1,000 gold coins, he could not only introduce him to the queen, but he'd fix it so William could touch, kiss and fondle the queens ample "treasure chest"!
William agreed, so Francis began working out his plan.
Years earlier, Francis had discovered a substance that worked as a terrible type of itching powder when applied to human skin. After some time, he'd also developed an antidote for it.
Francis' plan: slip the itching powder into one of the queen's bodices. Once the queen's bosom began to itch, Francis would then mention to the king that his friend, William, is the only person known who can stop the itching -- by using his saliva. William's saliva, he would explain, had special properties that for some miraculous reason could calm the itching
Trusting his advisor, the king ordered Francis to bring William at once. He did, but not before putting the antidote in William's mouth under his tongue.
Needless to say, after some fondling, kissing and sucking, the antidote did its job, and the queen itched no more.
Francis found William the next day and asked for his payment. William, who never intended to pay in the first place, told him, "I don't have the money and if I did, i wouldn't pay. You surely can't make accusations of being cheated -- not without divulging you planned the whole charade. So, don't bother me about it anymore."
That night, Francis mixed up a new batch of powder and sprinkled it generously in the King's underwear....
:rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 09, 2024, 05:52:51 PM
Remember: You can hide, but you can't run!
:geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: mrgaf on January 10, 2024, 03:41:33 PM
.
.
.
.
February
::)
Post by: oldfart on January 10, 2024, 05:13:02 PM
In what month do women talk the least?...
.
.
.
.
February
::)
:rofl:
Post by: aletheuo137 on January 11, 2024, 07:30:02 AM
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 11, 2024, 10:17:41 AM
I took my truck to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise. He removed the Taylor Swift CD and now it's fine.
Sounds like more than just one dumb blonde involved.
:rofl:
Post by: mrgaf on January 11, 2024, 04:53:35 PM
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one dav to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that someihing was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that l told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bil, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh... she got fired too."
😳
Post by: mrgaf on January 12, 2024, 12:37:21 PM
O0
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 12, 2024, 01:14:03 PM
The man asks the nurse what that was about.
She explained the man has a rare condition that causes severe pain in his testicles if he doesn't climax at least daily.
Having never heard of such a thing before, the man mumbled, "Hmmm", and contemplated how inconvenient that condition could become.
As they passed another room, he could see a nurse with her blouse open giving a man fellatio.
Surprised, he again asked the nurse what was going on.
She replied, "Oh, he has the same condition as the first patient. He just has a better health plan!"
:thumbsup: :geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: aletheuo137 on January 13, 2024, 09:05:24 PM
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: mrgaf on January 14, 2024, 06:56:44 AM
About 6 months later the lady returns to the surgeon complaining of bags beneath her eyes. "Those aren't bags" he tells her. "Those are your breasts from where you have tightened up the screw too much". The elderly lady replies, "that would explain my new goatee then."
:popcorn:
Post by: aletheuo137 on January 15, 2024, 08:28:01 AM
Now I need bail money.(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20240115/4b97a993ff6cae53896a71cdf8d98811.jpg)
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 15, 2024, 11:31:10 AM
Then it becomes a soap opera.
:geekdanc:
Post by: oldfart on January 15, 2024, 03:15:33 PM
Taking a shower normally is a chore until you get shampoo in your mouth.(https://i.postimg.cc/05LMhF4s/SMH.gif) (https://postimages.org/)
Then it becomes a soap opera.
:geekdanc:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 16, 2024, 04:20:12 PM
She told me, "I came in second in the 8th grade spelling bee."
So I said, "You studied so hard for that. I'm so sorry. What word did you miss?"
"Armageddon."
I smiled and said, "Cheer up! It's not like it's the end of the world!"
:geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 16, 2024, 04:30:48 PM
I like green even more than blue and yellow combined.
:geekdanc:
Post by: oldfart on January 16, 2024, 06:57:06 PM
Post by: aletheuo137 on January 17, 2024, 10:08:22 AM
Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow. I tried
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 17, 2024, 10:21:16 AM
On my way home from work tonight I yelled "COW!" at a woman on a bike and she gave me the middle finger.
Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow. I tried
https://youtu.be/aKhknsN8M9U
Post by: oldfart on January 22, 2024, 11:28:22 PM
(https://i.postimg.cc/vZ2zY8gS/20240116-111701.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
Post by: aletheuo137 on January 30, 2024, 09:42:52 AM
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 30, 2024, 10:34:30 PM
Everyone has the same DNA, and there are no dental records.
:shake: :geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 30, 2024, 11:03:56 PM
Nothing could be further from the truth.
Quite a few of them are in witness protection.
:geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on February 06, 2024, 06:54:42 PM
The people in most cities and towns just don't seem to care for Fred and Wilma.
However, the people of Abu Dhabi do.
:geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: mrgaf on February 09, 2024, 11:47:11 AM
A: They always disappear after they hear B-29
>:D
Post by: oldfart on February 09, 2024, 02:12:07 PM
Why are there never any Japanese bingo players?....
A: They always disappear after they hear B-29
>:D
:rofl:
Funny, but I actually did work with a Hiroshima survivor about 46 years ago....nice guy.
Post by: mrgaf on February 09, 2024, 08:56:11 PM
The Sunnis are the ones with the Shiite blown out of them. :D
Post by: oldfart on February 10, 2024, 03:23:11 AM
How do you tell a Sunni from a Shiite?===========
The Sunnis are the ones with the Shiite blown out of them. :D
:rofl:
but some other people might not appreciate your sense of humor.
screw em if they can't take a joke
Post by: mrgaf on February 10, 2024, 11:46:29 AM
Paddy and Sean are planning to go out on a Saturday night, but only have 50 cents between them. Paddy has an idea, he takes the 50 cents of Sean, goes to a butchers and buys a sausage. Sean is really pissed off at first that Paddy spent their last money on a sausage, but Paddy lets him in on his plan. "We are going into the next pub, order two pints, drink them and when it comes to paying you go down on your knees, unzip my trousers, pull the sausage out and start sucking on it" So, they go into the first pub and do exactly as Paddy suggested. The barmaid is disgusted by the sight and kicks the two out. Paddy says: "see it works, we didn't pay did we?" As Paddy's plan seems to be working they carry on doing it... In the 12th pub, both are quite drunk by now, Sean isn't looking to good. They have just finished their pints... Sean: "I can't do this anymore Paddy my bloody knees are hurting as fuck...!" Paddy: "No worries...I lost that bloody sausage in the third pub!"
>:D
Post by: Jl808 on February 11, 2024, 10:07:47 AM
Post by: QUIETShooter on February 11, 2024, 02:54:53 PM
I know. It's not a joke, per se. But it will make you laugh. Shows how much of a joke the POTUS is.
Post by: oldfart on February 11, 2024, 03:10:35 PM
https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/president-biden-calls-for-an-end-to-shrinkflation/ar-BB1i7HC9?ocid=msedgdhp&pc=U531&cvid=455ab8f0923b4ad9afcd080d30db5dcd&ei=13...
I know. It's not a joke, per se. But it will make you laugh. Shows how much of a joke the POTUS is.
(https://i.postimg.cc/05LMhF4s/SMH.gif) (https://postimages.org/)
Post by: mrgaf on February 11, 2024, 05:13:09 PM
https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/president-biden-calls-for-an-end-to-shrinkflation/ar-BB1i7HC9?ocid=msedgdhp&pc=U531&cvid=455ab8f0923b4ad9afcd080d30db5dcd&ei=13
I know. It's not a joke, per se. But it will make you laugh. Shows how much of a joke the POTUS is.
That scum bag is worthless! God help us all…. :)
Post by: mrgaf on February 11, 2024, 05:36:02 PM
Post by: mrgaf on February 11, 2024, 08:06:42 PM
A: Ho Lee Fuk
:rofl:
Post by: oldfart on February 11, 2024, 08:59:42 PM
Q: What do you call a surprised Chinese man?=========
A: Ho Lee Fuk
:rofl:
haha-- you're on a roll.
How many beers you had today?
Post by: mrgaf on February 12, 2024, 08:57:37 AM
=========
haha-- you're on a roll.
How many beers you had today?
Had too many and I don’t even like football! 😵💫
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on February 12, 2024, 10:19:45 AM
"Did you sleep okay? The time difference between Hawaii and the East Coast can be tough on sleep for a few days."
She said, "Nope. Slept like a baby. Woke up every 2 hours and wet my bed!"
:rofl: :geekdanc:
Post by: oldfart on February 14, 2024, 12:02:47 PM
Send a valentine's day message to the Bidens.
Post it here. Some A.I. bot will deliver it to the secret service before you know it.
Post by: QUIETShooter on February 14, 2024, 12:23:41 PM
(https://i.postimg.cc/s2FW0Ccy/20240214-115633.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
Send a valentine's day message to the Bidens.
Post it here. Some A.I. bot will deliver it to the secret service before you know it.
I wonder if the American people paid for that Valentine Card message paper crap.
How's this for a Valentine Day message: biden's approval rating is the lowest in history.
kamala's approval rating is worse.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on February 20, 2024, 07:25:30 PM
it probably would have been called a "Teeth Brush."
:geekdanc: :rofl:
You got a real purdy mouth...
(https://i.imgur.com/7I1Xn3u.jpg?1)
Post by: aletheuo137 on February 23, 2024, 12:34:19 PM
The friend he shot in the knee was not as lucky.
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: oldfart on February 23, 2024, 01:37:50 PM
Man survives Kodiak bear attack with just a .22 pistol.....
The friend he shot in the knee was not as lucky.
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
:rofl:
That's like the joke where I only have to run faster than you.
Post by: mrgaf on February 24, 2024, 05:49:42 PM
Post by: oldfart on February 24, 2024, 06:47:53 PM
:shaka:Times are changing :rofl:
Post by: oldfart on February 29, 2024, 07:23:33 AM
This is not a joke, but it should be.
Post by: QUIETShooter on February 29, 2024, 07:50:07 AM
Enter a contest to meet 3 presidents.
This is not a joke, but it should be.
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
There has GOT to be a puchline somewhere in there......
Post by: oldfart on February 29, 2024, 08:24:17 AM
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:============
There has GOT to be a puchline somewhere in there......
That one picture is worth a thousand
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on February 29, 2024, 09:59:44 AM
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
There has GOT to be a puchline somewhere in there......
Two Men and a Baby Sniffer?
Three strikes and We're Out?
The Three Anti-Musketeers.
How many Democrat Presidents does it take for the US fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan to end?
Which of these is not like the others?
A rapist, a racist and a pedophile walk into a bar ...
Post by: oldfart on February 29, 2024, 10:01:39 AM
Post by: Rocky on February 29, 2024, 01:32:32 PM
Enter a contest to meet 3 presidents.Is it a marksmanship contest ?
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on February 29, 2024, 03:19:03 PM
Is it a marksmanship contest ?
That loud knock at your door at 2am will be the Secret Service .....
:shake:
Post by: QUIETShooter on February 29, 2024, 03:25:46 PM
Two Men and a Baby Sniffer?
Three strikes and We're Out?
The Three Anti-Musketeers.
How many Democrat Presidents does it take for the US fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan to end?
Which of these is not like the others?
A rapist, a racist and a pedophile walk into a bar ...
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Post by: oldfart on February 29, 2024, 04:20:49 PM
That loud knock at your door at 2am will be the Secret Service .........
:shake:
A friend of mine actually spent some time in federal prison for making threats against Obama. I had lunch with him a few weeks ago. He's a funny guy but the SS didn't think so.
Post by: QUIETShooter on February 29, 2024, 06:55:41 PM
In this case donkeys.
I'm pretty sure they will concur.
Post by: Rocky on March 01, 2024, 08:08:10 AM
That loud knock at your door at 2am will be the Secret Service .....This is a firearms website.
:shake:
What other type of contest could it be ? ::)
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 01, 2024, 08:52:35 AM
This is a firearms website.
What other type of contest could it be ? ::)
We have political and off topic areas for a reason. Many discussions (probably more than most at this point) are non-firearm related.
I didn't see guns mentioned in the Taylor Swift threads .... just sayin'.
Post by: aletheuo137 on March 01, 2024, 01:15:03 PM
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: mrgaf on March 01, 2024, 06:03:50 PM
What’s 10 inches long and white?
.
.
.
.
NOTHING…… :o
Post by: oldfart on March 01, 2024, 07:51:59 PM
Post by: aletheuo137 on March 02, 2024, 09:43:52 AM
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: mrgaf on March 05, 2024, 05:28:43 PM
.
.
.
.
A sea saw……. O0
Post by: oldfart on March 05, 2024, 05:44:06 PM
https://youtu.be/HyIcOikc3Aw?feature=shared
Post by: oldfart on March 05, 2024, 07:11:04 PM
Need to get this sign for the state Capitol building.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 05, 2024, 07:19:55 PM
After a minute of dad explaining what he was up to, his son asked, "Dad? What's sex?"
The father was thrown for a loop. He'd always known that he'd have to have "the talk" with his son. if they'd had a daughter, this duty would have fallen on mom's shoulders. Although he didn't think it would have been so soon -- at 6! But, being a responsible and dutiful father, he didn't want to lie to him, and he sure didn't want him learning it from classmates or movies.
Dad told his son to have a seat on the steps, and then he proceeded to give his son the A-B-Cs of the Bird's and the Bees.
Afterward, with his kid's eyes wide and mouth agape, dad asked him, "Do you have any questions, son?"
He replied, "No, sir. I came outside to tell you mom said dinner would be ready in a couple of secs."
:geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 07, 2024, 03:18:26 AM
On the day of their son's 21st birthday, the father decides to take his son for his first official real drink. So, they go to the local pub where the father proudly puts his son on the bar and orders two shots of their finest bourbon.
The father takes the drinks and downs his shot while pouring the other drink in his son's mouth. Lo and behold, the head starts wiggling and shaking and suddenly and dramatically it sprouts an entire torso!
"What the hell?!" screams the dad. "Bartender, two more!" and they they do it again. And the torso and head start wiggling and shaking and boom! The son sprouts two arms!
The dad gasps, "Unbelievable!!" and orders two more shots. And this time the wiggling and shaking leads to him instantly sprouting two legs.
"Two more shots!" screams the dad.
"Holy shit!" screams the son. "Wait! Look! I can walk! I can run!"
And with that the son goes running out the door -- straight into traffic and gets obliterated by a bus.
"Hmm.' says the bartender. "He should have quit while he was a head."
:rofl: :geekdanc:
Post by: oldfart on March 07, 2024, 05:22:40 AM
(https://i.postimg.cc/Gm6NszDx/20240306-124111.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
It's an open market event in Waipahu with dogs.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 07, 2024, 10:07:52 AM
I thought this picture was funny.
(https://i.postimg.cc/Gm6NszDx/20240306-124111.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
It's an open market event in Waipahu with dogs.
Farmers' Market?
Wouldn't Ranchers be more accurate?
:rofl:
Post by: oldfart on March 07, 2024, 10:34:10 AM
Not a bbq.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 07, 2024, 10:36:39 AM
The makeke is today. To benefit Hawaiʻi humane society. It's a pet adoption event.
Not a bbq.
I saw the "Adopt a dog" banner at the top, so i figured that's the reason for the smiling canines.
:thumbsup: :thumbsup:
Post by: oldfart on March 08, 2024, 09:51:36 AM
Farmers' Market?...
Wouldn't Ranchers be more accurate?
:rofl:
I thought it was the 3-choice mix plate.
Post by: oldfart on March 08, 2024, 09:54:25 AM
(https://i.postimg.cc/2SQpTGkP/20240308-094524.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 08, 2024, 11:57:19 PM
"God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa."
He asked if she meant to say "Good-bye Grandpa" instead of God bless, and she said,
"I don't know. it just seemed like the right thing to say,"
Eerily, the next day, Grandpa did indeed die from a stroke.
A month goes by, and listening to his girl's prayers, he hears,
"God bless mommy, God bless daddy, and good-bye Grandma."
He again asked if this was just a mistake, and she again said it just felt right.
The very next day, Grandma too passed away.
Dad was a bit concerned, wondering if there was something about his girl that could predict the future. But, he basically shrugged it all off as coincidence.
Three months go by, and his girl's prayers take on a different sense of dread:
"God bless mommy, and good-bye daddy,."
The father could hardly believe what he heard. It was so unnerving, he barely slept a wink that night.
The next morning, he left 2 hours early for work, then remained at work until almost midnight. He thought, if I can just make it until midnight, maybe I'll be fine.
He comes home about 1AM, and mom is visibly upset. He tried to apologize for being so late, but that wasn't why she was so tense.
She said, "You're never going to believe what a day I had. I was leaving to do some grocery shopping about noon, and i found the mailman dead at our front door!"
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 12, 2024, 10:31:55 PM
She said she has medication to prevent it, but she hasn't been able to get the pills out of the bottle yet.
:rofl: :geekdanc:
Post by: aletheuo137 on March 13, 2024, 01:52:34 PM
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: aletheuo137 on March 14, 2024, 02:20:11 PM
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 15, 2024, 09:50:03 AM
He told the salesman that greeted them, "I'd like to get my girlfriend something very special. Where are your diamond rings?"
The salesman went behind the counter and pulled out a beautiful diamond ring.
He said, "This wonderful ring is $5,000."
The man said, "I don't think you understood me. I want something special."
The salesman apologized, went to the vault, and returned with an exquisite ring.
"This one is $40,000," he said.
"That's more like like it!"
After a little trying on and remarking over its beauty, the man said, "We'll take it."
In response to form of payment, the man replied, "I can write you a check for the full amount. Since it's Saturday and the bank is closed, and I'm sure you'll want to verify the check is good first, I'm happy to leave the ring with you until Monday morning."
The salesman said that would be acceptable, and he put the ring back in the vault until Monday.
When Monday morning rolled around, the customer returned to the store. The salesman who sold him the ring was angry.
"You've got some nerve! The check you gave us bounced. There's literally no money in that account!"
"I know," was the reply. "But you'd never believe what kind of weekend I had!"
:geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: aletheuo137 on March 19, 2024, 11:58:58 AM
An old lady calls 911 late one evening. The dispatcher answers "911, what is your emergency?"
"There appears to be two men rummaging through my car."
"A burglary in progress? We'll have an officer there in an hour."
"An hour? But they won't be here in an hour. They're in my car now."
"Ma'am, no officers are available right now. We'll send a squad car in one hour."
The old lady hangs up, then calls back a few minutes later.
"911, what is your emergency?"
"I'm the lady who called about the two men breaking into my car. You don't have to send anyone. I shot them."
Within a few minutes, there were police all over her yard. The men were apprehended, and the commanding-officer-on-scene asked the woman, "I thought you told the 911 dispatcher that you had shot the men?"
"And I thought the 911 dispatcher had told me that there were no officers available."
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: oldfart on March 21, 2024, 09:31:10 PM
Post by: mrgaf on March 22, 2024, 07:48:15 PM
https://twitter.com/i/status/1768753827891880217
Bidet should become an astronaut… he sucks like the void and is just taking up space….. :)
Post by: oldfart on March 22, 2024, 07:55:32 PM
Bidet should become an astronaut… he sucks like the void and is just taking up space….. :)...
In that video spoof he looked "Lost In Space".
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 23, 2024, 06:31:13 PM
She asked, "Hon, could you take a look at the hall light fixture? I replaced the bulb, but there's something else wrong with it."
Having missed an amazing play due to the interruption, the husband angrily replied, "Do I look like an electrician?"
A little while later, she shyly sticks her head into the living room again and says, "Hon, the fridge door is just about to fall off. I'm having a hard time closing it."
To which he replies, "Do I look like an appliance repairman?"
Near the end of the 4th quarter, she asks, "When this is over, can you take a look at the front steps? I almost fell twice this week bringing in groceries."
Again, he asks, "Do I look like a carpenter?"
When the game was over, he decides to get away from the nagging at home and goes for a long drive. With no real destination in mind, he starts to reflect on his attitude toward his wife. Guilt starts to overcome him, so after some time he heads home to apologize.
As he walks up to the front door, he can see the front steps are repaired. Amazed, he then notices the hall light is on. He guessed his wife wasn't as helpless as she pretended. Finally, as he went to the kitchen for a beer, he saw that the fridge door was also fixed.
He headed to the living room, and his wife walked in. He asked her, "So all those things you needed done, you could have done them yourself?"
She said, "Oh, no. I was so upset at the way you treated me, all I could do was cry. I was crying on the front steps trying to think what to do, and one of the neighbors' asked me what was wrong. When I explained all the chores around the house you refused to do, he said, "Well, don't cry. I can take care of that stuff for you, but it won't be free."
She asked what he'd charge, and he said, "I know money's tight for most folks, so I'll do it if you make a cake for my daughter's birthday. I'll accept that, or you can sleep with me."
The husband said, "You made him a cake, I hope."
She smiled and said, "Do I look like a baker?"
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 24, 2024, 01:13:26 AM
I figured 90% of the people would tear up, and they did, but some just broke down crying like crazy!
But that wasn't the funniest thing. There was a guy and gal watching as the camera zoomed in on the inscription from Clarence (the angel) in his copy of Tom Sawyer. The guy watching paused and said, "I can't read that." So she read the writing out loud for him.
I had to think, "Can't read it? What the ..."
Then I realized ... it was handwritten .... in cursive!
:rofl: :geekdanc:
If Baby Boomers ever got to war with GenZ, we should use cursive so our messages can't be decrypted. :thumbsup:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 29, 2024, 09:30:11 PM
Little Johnny who lived next door to us was doing a vocabulary worksheet where he had to find the definitions of words that are associated in some way.
His words were "potentially" and "actually."
So, as usual, he went to dad first, because dad seems to know everything.
After Johnny told dad about the assignment, dad puzzled over it for a minute, then said, "I could give you the book answer, but I think you'll learn more if we do a little research into those terms."
With that, they walked into the kitchen where mom was cooking. Dad walks up to her and says, "Think about this carefully. Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million bucks?"
Without hesitation, mom said, "Would I??!! Hell, I'd pay him!"
Then they walked down the hall to Johnny's sister's room, where dad asked the same question: Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million bucks?
Sister replied, "Well, he's kinda hot for an old guy, but I guess for that much money, I'd do it."
They then walked down the hall to Johnny's brother's room. Same question.
Brother looked a bit disturbed at the thought, but then replied, "For a million bucks, I'd do it, but since I'm not gay, it would have to be completely private. Nobody could know."
As they walked back toward the garage where they started, Johnny said, "So, dad? How does this help me finish my homework?"
Dad looked at him and said, "It's simple. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars. But actually we're living with a slut, a whore and a closet fag."
:geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 01, 2024, 10:51:25 AM
While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said:
"I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the short pieces at the end of the roll that are too little to be of use?"
"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them and send them back to the bandage company. In return, they send us a free box of bandages each month."
"Oh," was all the auditor had to say, apparently disappointed the CFO had a good answer at the ready.
As the auditor continued his dive into the books, he asked obnoxiously, "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with the plaster left in a box after setting a cast?"
"Uh," began the CFO as he realized now the auditor was simply trying to trap him with unanswerable questions. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer who sends us a free package of plaster now and then."
"I see," replied the auditor who was thinking hard about how to fluster the know-it-all CFO.
As the auditor started reviewing surgical expenses, he had a brilliant idea for another question:
"What do you do with all the foreskins discarded after all the circumcisions your hospital performs?"
"Here, too, we don't waste anything," answered the CFO. "We save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS. Then, about once a year, they send us a complete dick."
:geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 02, 2024, 03:31:34 PM
She arrived bright and early her first day for the 8am shift. However, by lunchtime, the foreman started hearing that the line was completely backed up.
He grabbed his hardhat and quickly walked the conveyor from start to finish until he found the problem.
There was Maria sowing a patch of fake fur on each doll with a couple of marbles in them.
The foreman said, "Maria, I think we're not communicating well. i said to give the dolls two test tickles ...."
:geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 02, 2024, 03:52:01 PM
WHAT IF the Cold War ending is the cause for Global Warming?
:geekdanc: :thumbsup: :shaka: :rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 04, 2024, 09:32:39 AM
He left without making a scene.
Post by: aletheuo137 on April 05, 2024, 05:55:05 AM
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: oldfart on April 05, 2024, 05:57:52 AM
Post by: QUIETShooter on April 05, 2024, 07:33:38 AM
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20240405/5990f1c88717648e330d4a4fa5ce57ff.jpg)
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
The woman should stop whining and sniveling and be a man.
For once.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 07, 2024, 09:29:06 PM
That's just nuts!
:geekdanc: :rofl:
S/he should make a complaint with Pete Buttigieg, US Secretary of Trans-portation.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 09, 2024, 07:12:53 PM
"No, thanks," the applicant replied. "I gave up coffee a while ago."
"Not a problem," the interviewer said. "Now, on your application, I see you were in the Army. Did you deploy to any designated combat zones?"
"Yes. I served in Afghanistan for almost 4 years."
"Excellent! I see that gives you many points and a better chance of being hired sooner. Now, if you don't mind me asking, do you have any disabilities -- service-related or not?"
The vet replied, "Yes, i do. I was standing in close proximity to an IED when it exploded, and I lost both of my testicles. Luckily the piece of shrapnel was real small, or things might have been much worse."
With an anguished look on his face, the interviewer said, "That's horrible. I do thank you for your service and sacrifice. The good news is your injury gives you enough points I can hire you today. Our normal operating hours are 8am to 4pm. If you can start tomorrow, plan on coming in around 10am."
Looking confused, the vet asked, "If you start at 8am, why should I not come in until 10?"
The interviewer replied, "Well, this is still a government job, so for the first two hours, we mostly stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. You probably don't need to be here for that."
:geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: mrgaf on April 12, 2024, 02:53:23 PM
https://youtu.be/RBu0C7B3oQU?si=doG7spvAvGu_vF0m
https://youtu.be/R92Ix7ZRb8Y?si=KTJoCu_N1nlDl-eL
https://youtu.be/fC-_m-3xd2U?si=6YCkafxvp70B0sMC
Post by: oldfart on April 12, 2024, 04:37:33 PM
Funny shit!😁=============
https://youtu.be/RBu0C7B3oQU?si=doG7spvAvGu_vF0m
https://youtu.be/R92Ix7ZRb8Y?si=KTJoCu_N1nlDl-eL
https://youtu.be/fC-_m-3xd2U?si=6YCkafxvp70B0sMC
love those alien dad joke videos
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Post by: aletheuo137 on April 17, 2024, 08:58:40 AM
How come 22 is twenty two,
33 is thirty three and
11 is NOT oney one?
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 17, 2024, 09:08:52 AM
The English language is confusing.Should be "ten-one", right? :geekdanc:
How come 22 is twenty two,
33 is thirty three and
11 is NOT oney one?
twenty + one = twenty-one
thirty + one = thirty-one
So, ten + one should = ten-one
English is a derivative language having its main roots in German.
The German name for "11" is "elf" (cardinal) or "elfte" (ordinal). Hence, "eleven."
Post by: mrgaf on April 17, 2024, 03:55:59 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 17, 2024, 04:38:58 PM
Sheesh you guys are giving me a headache with all this math and language stuff. You’re beginning to sound like demoncrats explaining the economy! :shaka: :shake: :wacko:
Kind of like dinner and a show ...
you get jokes AND an education! :thumbsup: :geekdanc:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 17, 2024, 05:02:32 PM
How many times has someone asked you to help them move on a Saturday morning? Or to help wash cars for your kid's school or scout troop's fund raiser? Maybe you're expected to attend a wedding or kindergarten graduation?
For all those times you planned on finishing some chores around the house, reading a new book, or catching up on your favorite streams, you don't have to fake a headache or come up with an excuse ......
Presenting: The House-O-Rest Ankle Monitor!
Looks like a real ankle monitor used for those on house arrest or probation, but without the annoying visit by the Cops if you make a beer run!
So, next time your buddy says, "I'm moving this weekend. Any plans?" Show him your monitor and tell him you're under home confinement for the whole weekend.
Use your imagination for a cool explanation! :geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: hvybarrels on April 17, 2024, 10:53:24 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 18, 2024, 11:52:45 PM
A college professor really didn't like cell phones ringing during class, so he had a rule: the student had to answer the phone and put it on speaker so everyone could hear the conversation.
Then, one day in April -- the first day in fact -- this happened: :rofl:
https://youtu.be/R9rymEWJX38
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 19, 2024, 02:49:41 PM
Golf is the only professional sport where everyone goes to watch the event
dressed as if they are playing in the tournament.
:geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 20, 2024, 06:25:45 AM
He was charged with possession.
:geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 20, 2024, 06:28:31 AM
wedding cake.
:geekdanc: :rofl: :shake:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 20, 2024, 06:31:45 AM
Isn't that what it's for? You're supposed to be out of circulation!
:geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 20, 2024, 06:34:49 AM
The town's sheriff issued him a traffic citation: improper ewe turn.
:geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 20, 2024, 06:40:03 AM
The school found a skeleton in his closet.
:geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 20, 2024, 06:43:24 AM
:geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 20, 2024, 06:44:39 AM
:geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 20, 2024, 06:47:59 AM
She lied about her age!
:geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 20, 2024, 02:38:14 PM
https://youtu.be/xkQOHt832h8
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 22, 2024, 10:35:57 AM
:geekdanc:
Post by: aletheuo137 on April 22, 2024, 01:37:10 PM
As he finished, it started to rain and all the paint washed off because he used so much.
Suddenly the church was struck by lightning and he heard a voice from heaven saying, "Repaint and thin no more."
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: oldfart on April 22, 2024, 02:24:10 PM
(https://i.postimg.cc/05LMhF4s/SMH.gif) (https://postimages.org/)
Suddenly the church was struck by lightning and he heard a voice from heaven saying, "Repaint and thin no more."
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 24, 2024, 08:54:40 PM
"I'm afraid I have some bad news," the doctor began. "Your AIDS test came back positive."
Grandpa was obviously shocked and asked, "Was there anything else?"
The doctor replied, "Yes. You're in the later stages of Alzheimer's and dementia."
Grandpa looked relieved and said, "Well, at least i don't have AIDS!"
:crazy: :wacko: :geekdanc:
Post by: aletheuo137 on April 26, 2024, 07:53:11 AM
I said, "Really, we're not going to talk about this right now."
So, after dinner I said, "Now what did you want to ask me?"
She said, "Oh nothing, there was a bug in your soup, but now it's gone.
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: aletheuo137 on April 26, 2024, 11:12:51 AM
She said, "Okay, when do I give them to him?"
He said, "They are for you ma'am."
And all the ladies said.....
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 26, 2024, 11:43:28 PM
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
https://youtube.com/shorts/B00NCLY21qU
Post by: aletheuo137 on April 30, 2024, 05:46:58 AM
She replied, "Well, God, created Adam and Eve....
"But dad said we came from apes."
"Oh honey, he was talking about his family, I am telling you about mine."
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: aletheuo137 on April 30, 2024, 07:00:05 AM
“mom, your surgeon told me that you need to accessorize and buy nice shoes.”
I responded by telling her,
“I am pretty sure she said to exercise and eat the right foods!”
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: aletheuo137 on May 01, 2024, 07:44:00 AM
The older cowboy turned to the younger one and said, "You see that? Just by putting his ear to the ground he can hear what's coming from miles off."
The Indian lifted his head and said, "A full wagon, drawn by a single horse, two passengers and a dog."
The Indian put his head back down and continued, "Heading east, about 3 miles away."
The young cowboy exclaimed, "That's amazing!"
The Indian replied, "Yep. They ran me over about a half hour ago."
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: aletheuo137 on May 07, 2024, 11:57:55 AM
The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"
Bobbi Ann replies, "no, sir, tha first wuz a Martin, thenna Gibson, then a Fender."
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: aletheuo137 on May 09, 2024, 08:07:55 AM
They had great seats, right up front at the bar.
After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "Especially all the colorful uniforms and all the big muscles, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other over .25¢ cents?"
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!'
I'm like hello, it's only 25 cents!”
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on May 12, 2024, 09:54:25 AM
Why? Because I like riddles.
:rofl:
https://youtube.com/shorts/2fCJ3UoFZMg
Post by: aletheuo137 on May 13, 2024, 06:30:27 PM
The bartender replied, "A Stormy Daniels." The democrat ordered one, bartender gave him an empty glass.
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: aletheuo137 on May 15, 2024, 05:08:07 PM
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," replied the second detective.
"A golf gun? What the heck is a golf gun?"
I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan.”
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on May 31, 2024, 03:24:13 PM
One of his shoe makers had just finished a new pair of boots for him. Another customer saw them and said, "Nice! How much for these boots?"
The shoe maker replied, "Sorry. These boots are made for Walken."
:geekdanc:
Post by: oldfart on May 31, 2024, 03:37:55 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on May 31, 2024, 04:32:52 PM
(https://i.postimg.cc/05LMhF4s/SMH.gif) (https://postimages.org/)
That's okay. I'm sure the song will be stuck in your head for awhile! :rofl:
Post by: aletheuo137 on June 05, 2024, 07:49:00 AM
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Clinton and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Clinton said, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Clinton placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a Peter Pan off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Clinton, saying, "Fair's fair, here's your money."
Clinton replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: aletheuo137 on June 06, 2024, 08:01:19 AM
“Yes,” replied the old man.
Sarcastically she responded, “Well surely you should know to have your passport ready,” to which he answered, “I didn't have to show it last time.”
“Impossible!!” she barked.
The old man looked her straight in the eye and said, "Last time, when I landed on D-Day in 1944, I couldn't find a dadgum Frenchman to give it to.”
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: aletheuo137 on June 06, 2024, 08:59:15 AM
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: aletheuo137 on June 07, 2024, 11:37:38 AM
He said, "Well, I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her.
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: aletheuo137 on June 07, 2024, 11:48:38 AM
A wolf attacks a sheep.
The sheep died.
Other sheep observe the killing and notice that teeth kill sheep.
The sheep remove their own teeth for their own safety.
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: mrgaf on June 12, 2024, 09:14:09 PM
Post by: aletheuo137 on June 17, 2024, 08:53:42 AM
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on June 18, 2024, 05:34:04 PM
He asked, "Why would you do that?"
I told him, "I've heard good employees are hard to find."
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on June 18, 2024, 05:40:56 PM
You ought to take a good long look at yourself.
Post by: oldfart on June 18, 2024, 07:37:18 PM
Groan
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on June 22, 2024, 12:12:16 AM
A: One is a GoodYear.
The other is a Great Year!!!
:rofl: :geekdanc:
Post by: mrgaf on June 22, 2024, 09:00:18 PM
Take me to your weeder………. :geekdanc:
Post by: oldfart on June 23, 2024, 03:03:03 AM
Alien walks up to a flower bed and shouts…......
Take me to your weeder………. :geekdanc:
(https://i.postimg.cc/05LMhF4s/SMH.gif) (https://postimages.org/)
Groan
Post by: mrgaf on June 25, 2024, 08:29:31 AM
.
.
.
Bison
:geekdanc:
Post by: mrgaf on June 26, 2024, 03:39:27 PM
I’ve heard they sound really sweet……
:geekdanc:
Post by: oldfart on June 26, 2024, 03:42:35 PM
Have you heard one of those new chocolate records?(https://i.postimg.cc/05LMhF4s/SMH.gif) (https://postimages.org/)
I’ve heard they sound really sweet……
:geekdanc:
Post by: mrgaf on June 27, 2024, 02:52:52 PM
.
.
.
.
Cause then it would be a foot…..
:geekdanc:
Post by: mrgaf on July 03, 2024, 08:24:58 PM
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!" :D
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on July 03, 2024, 08:59:59 PM
in Sunday school, i was taught only people had living souls.
If that's the case, where do we get mineral spirits?
:geekdanc: ???
(in before someone replies "Home Depot"!)
Post by: aletheuo137 on July 08, 2024, 01:22:14 PM
Finally, after 40 years of hard work, marriage and two kids, "Mom! I've made it!!"
Available Balance $9.11
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on July 08, 2024, 02:05:43 PM
When I was young man, I didn't have very much money. My mom always said, "Son, work until your bank account looks like a phone number."
Finally, after 40 years of hard work, marriage and two kids, "Mom! I've made it!!"
Available Balance $9.11
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
My account looks more like 625-9700.
Do the math.
:geekdanc:
Post by: aletheuo137 on July 10, 2024, 07:19:43 AM
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on July 10, 2024, 10:52:48 PM
Trump needs someone who is going to help him win, so right now the front-runner is Joe Biden.
:rofl: :rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on July 15, 2024, 03:52:08 PM
Not Happy!
:geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on July 15, 2024, 04:07:18 PM
Because our planet only has one star.
:geekdanc:
(https://i.imgur.com/fO47BzI.jpeg)
Post by: oldfart on July 15, 2024, 04:24:54 PM
(https://i.postimg.cc/05LMhF4s/SMH.gif) (https://postimages.org/)
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on July 16, 2024, 07:49:54 PM
Says he can stop anytime he wants.
:geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on July 17, 2024, 02:58:45 PM
Young female driver: You're giving me a ticket? Really!!? DO YOU KNOW WHO MY FATHER IS??
Cop: Why? Didn't your mother tell you?
:geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: mrgaf on July 23, 2024, 07:44:17 AM
.
.
.
.
Academia nuts 🤣
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on July 26, 2024, 01:14:29 PM
Then suddenly the chicken sped up and cut in front of the car taking a side road to the right.
As the chicken crossed his path, the driver was sure he saw something unbelievable -- the chicken appeared to have 3 legs.
Without hesitation, the salesman took the right turn and followed the chicken to a large farm.
Seeing a farmer by the barn, he drove up, greeted the man, and asked, "Did you see a chicken go speeding by here?"
The farmer smiled and said, "Yes, sir. I sure did."
The man then asked, "Am I crazy, or did the chicken have 3 legs?"
"Oh, no, You're not seeing things. That chicken definitely had 3 legs. In fact, I created that breed myself."
The salesman was surprised. "That's amazing. Why would you do something like that?"
"Well, when it was just the two of us, my wife, Mabel, and I always liked drumsticks best. But, when Junior came along and was able to eat table food, we didn't have enough drumsticks to go around. Cooking up 2 chickens created another problem: who gets the extra drumstick? So, I did some reading and experimenting, and i came up with my 3-legged chickens."
The man was astounded. "My hat's off to you, sir. I'm truly impressed. So, tell me, do they taste any different?"
The farmer said, "Don't know. Haven't been able to catch one yet!"
:geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: mrgaf on July 29, 2024, 12:30:33 PM
Beef jerky
:wave:
Post by: oldfart on July 29, 2024, 10:41:31 PM
What do you call a twitching cow?...
Beef jerky
:wave:
(https://i.postimg.cc/05LMhF4s/SMH.gif) (https://postimages.org/)
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on July 30, 2024, 01:00:03 PM
A -- Because Dawn's tough on Greece!
:geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: aletheuo137 on August 01, 2024, 01:42:14 PM
Incredibly expensive to maintain and are nearly impossible to control. The other is a Trans Am.
I don't know anything about Trans Ams.(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20240801/b1969a40d8d46c028c2c05dfdbf0eeeb.jpg)
Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on August 05, 2024, 01:26:35 PM
he would not do it.
That's because he's never gonna give you Up.
However, in his refusal, he would be letting you down,
which Rick Astley also cannot do (never gonna let you down).
This is called The Rick Astley Paradox.
:geekdanc: :rofl:
https://youtu.be/dQw4w9WgXcQ
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on August 06, 2024, 04:45:39 PM
A: Because he lost his contacts.
Post by: Rocky on August 20, 2024, 09:07:31 AM
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on September 04, 2024, 01:09:02 AM
A: Texas. it has a Lone Star rating.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on October 22, 2024, 09:56:08 PM
Last Thursday, it stopped picking up anything at all.
I ordered a couple of free Harris-Walz 2024 campaign stickers and put them on the vac.
Man, does it really suck now!
:geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on November 05, 2024, 04:48:45 PM
The other mystery is how his casket vanished when lowered into the grave ... along with every other casket in the cemetery!
:geekdanc: :rofl:
(https://i.imgur.com/0IPtc10.gif)
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on November 15, 2024, 02:23:28 PM
:geekdanc:
(https://i.imgur.com/GlL7vuS.jpeg)
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on December 17, 2024, 11:58:26 PM
Came home with 2 dog whistles and a mime.
:geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on December 22, 2024, 11:18:48 PM
Drywall, Christmas Decorations, and Jeffrey Epstein.
The Question is:
Name 3 things that don't hang themselves.
:geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 19, 2025, 01:28:13 PM
Anna One
Anna Two
Post by: oldfart on January 20, 2025, 05:18:59 AM
What did the drummer name is twin daughters?....
Anna One
Anna Two
That was a Lawrence Welk joke.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 20, 2025, 12:52:57 PM
....
That was a Lawrence Welk joke.
Try getting a laugh with a Lawrence Welk joke in a group of people under 50 years old!
Post by: oldfart on January 21, 2025, 04:27:45 AM
Try getting a laugh with a Lawrence Welk joke in a group of people under 50 years old!....
Lol....sucks to get old
Post by: mrgaf on January 22, 2025, 03:25:33 PM
He choked on a bubble….🫡
Post by: oldfart on January 23, 2025, 04:49:46 AM
How did Lawrence Welk die?=============
He choked on a bubble….🫡
sorry gaf
I'm not catching on to the joke :rofl:
Post by: astroboy on January 23, 2025, 02:54:22 PM
He scratched his boys with the wrong hand.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on January 23, 2025, 08:17:37 PM
the Transgender movement was started just so White people could claim to be victims, too?
:popcorn:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on February 18, 2025, 11:15:28 PM
It's called Leev Mee Duh Fuh Cologne.
:geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: oldfart on February 18, 2025, 11:21:05 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on February 25, 2025, 08:56:38 PM
A: 77, because you get 8 more.
:geekdanc: :thumbsup: :rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on February 28, 2025, 10:00:34 PM
Me: Did you ever suspect they might be fake diamonds?
Her: Of course not.
Me: How could you tell?
Her: Nobody makes Zirconium stones that small!
Doh!! :geekdanc:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 06, 2025, 12:47:20 AM
All those circles we drew were pointless.
:geekdanc:
Post by: aletheuo137 on March 20, 2025, 11:17:09 AM
Artery - A building for paintings.
Bacteria - A back door cafeteria.
Barium - What you do when your kin die.
Benign - What you are after being 8.
Cat Scan - How you search for a lost cat.
Cauterize - Made eye contact.
Cesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome.
Colic - A sheep dog.
Coma - A punctuation mark.
D&C - Where Washington is.
Dilate - Live longer than expected.
Enema - Not a friend.
Fester - Increased speed.
Fibula - A small lie.
G.I. Series - World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail - What you put a coat on.
Hospital - The largest building in town, unless it’s Bubba’s BBQ.
Impotent - A very big deal.
Labor - French for very cold.
Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff - A walking stick.
Morbid - A higher offer than mine.
Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates.
Node - I knew it.
Outpatient - A patient who has fainted.
Pap Smear - A fatherhood test.
Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative - A letter carrier.
Recovery Room - A place to do upholstery.
Rectum - Caused a car accident.
Secretion - Hiding something.
Seizure - Roman emperor who lived in the Cesarean Section.
Tablet - A small table to change babies on.
Terminal Illness - getting sick at the train station.
Tumor - Repeat two more times.
Urine - Opposite of being out.
Varicose- Not far, close by.
Sent from my SM-A156U1 using Tapatalk
Post by: oldfart on March 20, 2025, 07:15:10 PM
Post by: aletheuo137 on March 21, 2025, 07:08:09 PM
Sent from my SM-A156U1 using Tapatalk
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on March 21, 2025, 10:09:29 PM
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20250322/a420d925869fac71a1200aa4535d6ec8.jpg)
27 ... and I was a very picky eater growing up, too!
p.s. "Chitlins" is a phonetic spelling for the way it's pronounced. The correct spelling is "Chitterlings." Just FYI.
Other options should include:
Roastnears
Fried squash
Fish Fry -- Deep fried fish coated in cornmeal
Cube Steak with Gravy
Potato Soup
Oyster Stew
County ham sandwich
Hamburger with coleslaw and chili
Strawberry custard pie
Rice pudding with raisins
Banana pudding
And the list goes on. That's just off the top of my head. :shaka:
Post by: oldfart on March 22, 2025, 03:31:58 AM
I've had kangaroo and alligator.
Chitlins in Hawaii would be dinaguan or logo.
I never tried dog but my son tried it when he was stationed in Korea.
(https://i.postimg.cc/8zDd08Dv/cardog.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on April 29, 2025, 11:23:04 PM
I can't put it down.
Post by: RSN172 on May 16, 2025, 02:14:34 PM
They reply we need to measure the height but we don’t have a ladder.
She takes a wrench and tape measure out of her purse, removes couple bolts, lays it down and says 21 ft 6 inches and walks away.
They look at each other, shake their heads and say we need the height and she gives us the length.
The two men have since quit their engineering jobs and now serve as Democratic members of Congress.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on June 19, 2025, 03:14:02 PM
You're trying to decide between all the choices at home plus
all the choices from local restaurants.
I only had 2 choices when I was growing up which made the
decision so much easier: take it, or leave it.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on July 29, 2025, 02:31:40 PM
A: They both make you wait an hour for a 2 minute ride.
:geekdanc: :rofl:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on July 31, 2025, 11:59:10 AM
A: The wood is dead, and the balls are just for decoration.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on July 31, 2025, 11:05:16 PM
Their nose print remains the same throughout their entire life.
I'm asking myself why we have to waste so much money on RFID chips?
:geekdanc:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on August 03, 2025, 12:34:57 PM
He woke up just in time, and she wound put cutting him on the thigh but didn't get the artery.
Police arrested her, and the DA only charged her with a missed-da-weiner.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on August 12, 2025, 02:40:35 PM
A: He had buck teeth.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on August 12, 2025, 02:41:20 PM
:geekdanc: :shaka:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on September 09, 2025, 03:05:48 PM
A: A wreath 'o Franklins.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on September 09, 2025, 03:10:12 PM
The ceremony was nice, but the reception was fantastic!! :geekdanc:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on September 09, 2025, 03:11:39 PM
I rushed him to the I.C.U.!
:geekdanc:
Post by: oldfart on September 09, 2025, 05:07:06 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on September 23, 2025, 07:00:30 PM
That was before the pressure got to him.
Post by: hvybarrels on September 24, 2025, 11:28:39 PM
Next they came for the violent protestors and things got a lot quieter
Then they came for the criminals and it was great because now we can walk around town at night again.
Really enjoying this, Big thanks to them.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on September 27, 2025, 09:02:44 PM
I took that money directly into Foodland and turned it into wine!
:geekdanc:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on September 27, 2025, 09:03:59 PM
A: Because women don't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up pressure!
:geekdanc:
Post by: oldfart on September 29, 2025, 09:19:26 PM
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on October 23, 2025, 04:49:50 PM
They always bring lots of boooo's.
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on October 28, 2025, 05:25:38 PM
A: Trick or trick!!
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on October 28, 2025, 05:29:44 PM
A: He had severe bat breath.
Post by: oldfart on October 29, 2025, 01:02:42 AM
Post by: mrgaf on November 08, 2025, 03:30:35 PM
Where are things that just ok but nothing special made?
.
.
.
.
.
A “SATISFACTORY” 🫣 :geekdanc:
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on December 02, 2025, 10:29:27 AM
but temptation leans on the doorbell.
:geekdanc:
Post by: oldfart on December 05, 2025, 10:14:34 AM
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Fluffy, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied Dr. Peterson.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
Dr. Peterson rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever named Shadow. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted Shadow on the head and took him out of the room. A few minutes later, he returned with a cat named Mittens. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. Mittens sat back on her haunches, shook her head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.
Dr. Peterson looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
He turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150."
(From a Facebook post)
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on December 05, 2025, 10:22:02 AM
Our Duck is Dead...
[snip]
(From a Facebook post)
That's fupp duck!
:rofl: :geekdanc:
Post by: mrgaf on February 11, 2026, 01:08:33 PM
Dirty Eddie is in the 4th grade and has already has a bad reputation……
The teacher told the class that they will have to pick a word and say how many syllables it has in front of the class.
Alice raised her hand and said she had a word and it was coffee and said it had two syllables, cof-fee. Very good said her teacher!
Next came Wilson and he said pencil and it has two syllables pen-cil! Excellent said the teacher! Now by this time dirty Eddie has both hands in the air and is frothing at the mouth to get picked….”me, me,me” he screamed, pick me! The teacher knew to be careful with him but had no choice but to give him a chance and finally said “ok Eddie, go ahead….
Eddie yelled MASTURBATE, MASTURBATE, 4 syllables mas-tur-bate! The teacher said wow that’s a mouthful, Eddie! He said nope that’s “BLOWJOB”, two syllables!
🫣😳😁🤣😝
Post by: Flapp_Jackson on February 11, 2026, 01:14:59 PM
Ok, ok….
Dirty Eddie is in the 4th grade and has already has a bad reputation……
The teacher told the class that they will have to pick a word and say how many syllables it has in front of the class.
Alice raised her hand and said she had a word and it was coffee and said it had two syllables, cof-fee. Very good said her teacher!
Next came Wilson and he said pencil and it has two syllables pen-cil! Excellent said the teacher! Now by this time dirty Eddie has both hands in the air and is frothing at the mouth to get picked….”me, me,me” he screamed, pick me! The teacher knew to be careful with him but had no choice but to give him a chance and finally said “ok Eddie, go ahead….
Eddie yelled MASTURBATE, MASTURBATE, 4 syllables mas-tur-bate! The teacher said wow that’s a mouthful, Eddie! He said nope that’s “BLOWJOB”, two syllables!
🫣😳😁🤣😝
Teacher can't count? It's 3 syllables!
Post by: QUIETShooter on February 11, 2026, 02:46:19 PM
Teacher can't count? It's 3 syllables!
Either that or excitement got the better of her. :rofl: