Q:  Where do pirates get their hooks?


A:  From the second hand store.

 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars.""What that tell you?" asked Tonto.The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber then buffalo chip. Someone has stolen tent."

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On the way back to town after their tent was stolen,

the Lone Ranger was taking a leak next to a cactus and was bitten by a rattler.  Of course, as fate would have it, he was bitten in the "you know what."

He cried out, "Tonto!  I've been bitten by a rattle snake!  I need you to ride into town and fetch the doc!"

Seeing where the snake targeted his friend, he rushed as fast as his pony would carry him into town.

When he got there, however, the doctor was in the middle of delivering twins, and the mother was having a difficult delivery.  So, he instructed Tonto to place a tourniquet on the member and to suck out as much poison as he could, careful not to swallow -- the poison!  Hopefully that would be enough for him to make it back to town.

Tonto hopped on his tired pony and raced back.  When he arrived, the Lone Ranger asked where the doctor was.

Tonto put his hand on his friend's shoulder and said, "Doctor say Kemo Sabe gonna die."

Beer does not make you fat.
It makes you lean…………
Against bars, tables, chairs, walls…..

I have a friend with a Camaro, and he put a TransAm decal inside the back window.

I told him it doesn't matter.  It's still a Camaro.

I'm now a Trans-phobe.

Took me a moment to decide which section this belonged under.   

If you don't know who she is, do some browsing.  She's been on the Tim Pool show a few times.


https://twitter.com/MsBlaireWhite/status/1525154432496934912

dad jokes

dad jokes

Well, since you asked for it!   


My older daughter was helping me clean the garage, and I asker her, "You see that -- over in the corner?"

She asked in return, "What?  The ladder?"

I said, "I don't remember if I ever told you, but that's my step ladder.  Sad to say, I never knew my real ladder,"

I had to finish cleaning the garage by myself.   

I grew up next to a family of anorexic agoraphobes.

I bet they had a few skeletons in their closet!

I grew up next to a family of anorexic agoraphobes.

I bet they had a few skeletons in their closet!

I know its not true but it’s still hilarious

I know its not true but it’s still hilarious

The key to good comedy is timing.  Would have been funnier if the measurements were incremental each time.  Would have been more "believable."

 

A man said: My son has an art degree.

He can draw anything except a pay check.

I just got a scary notice in the mail. 

if I don't pay my exorcist by the end of the month,

I'll be repossessed. 

 

 

A friend of the couple asked, "How is that even possible?"

Husband replied, "Well, we went to a ranch for our honeymoon.

While horse riding, my wife's horse jumped and my wife fell off.

She got up and patted the horse and said, "This is your first time."

After a while it happened again and she said, "This is your second time" and when it happened the third time, she pulled out a gun and shot the horse.

I shouted at her and said, "Are you crazy!? you killed the horse!!"

She gave me a look and said, "This is your first time."

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Last week, I suggested to my girlfriend that if she cleaned the kitchen after breakfast, we wouldn't have to come home into a dirty kitchen every evening.

I've been walking on eggshells ever since.

Al Gore's at it again.  Now he's claiming to have invented the echo.

Does he ever stop to listen to himself?

This is funny, but it's also true.  I've been watching Signs of a Psychopath on HBO Max.

The very first question the detective asked the suspect was:

"What's the highest grade you completed in school?"

Suspect:  "Highest grade?"

Detective:  "Yeah."

Suspect:  "I think a 'B'."

 


Next question asked was, "Did you finish high school?"

I'll keep you in suspense.