The lone ranger and his Indian friend are walking through the desert when the lone ranger exclaims ''I'm starving wheres that herd of cows you promised?''

The indian put his ear to the ground and shouts out ''buffalo come''

The lone ranger replies ''How on God's earth did you know that?''

''Ear stuck to ground '' the indian says...

Eeeew! Sticky! Lol!

Snow White, Superman & Pinocchio

Life Savers

How I learned to mind my own business.





I was walking by the mental hospital one day and I heard all the patients saying "13", "13", "13", "13".

I was thinking "why are they saying that"

I wanted to look over the wall but it was too high to climb.

I noticed a hole in the wall and looked to see why they were saying that.

Just as I put my eye to the hole, one of those idiots poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started saying "14", "14", "14"...

New Postal Stamp:

The Postal Services created a stamp with a Barry picture on it.
 
The Postal Service noticed that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.
 
This enraged the Barry, who demanded a full investigation.
 
After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:

1.The stamp is in perfect order.
 
2. There is nothing wrong with the glue.

3. People are spitting on the wrong side.
 

Stamps are like stickers. Buzzkill.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!

 

Putin's Girls....

Kid with a speech impediment goes trick or treating.
Gets to the door, man answers.
Kid :  " Twick or Tweat"
Man : " Well what are you supposed to be ?"
Kid :  " I'm a piwate "
Man: " A pirate huh ? Well where are your bucaneers ? "
Kid:   " Under my Buckin' Hat ! "

A Caucasian guy helps a Chinese immigrant, who could barely speak English, pick up something dropped.

The Chinese says: "Thank you!" for which the Caucasian replies: "Thank you too!"

Embarrassed, the Chinese says: "Thank you three!"  At this point, the Caucasian is puzzled: "What are you thanking me for?"

The Chinese replies: "Thank you five!"

An Avid Sportsman and hunter, Tim decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

One evening, not long after the honeymoon, he was getting his equipment ready for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand-loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"You were beginning to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

He replied, "I wasn’t."   

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An Avid Sportsman and hunter, Tim decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

One evening, not long after the honeymoon, he was getting his equipment ready for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand-loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"You were beginning to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

He replied, "I wasn’t."   

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Lol! I like it!

Away From Home...

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
 
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
 
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?  I'm awfully cold.'
 
'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!  That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
 
'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own damn blanket.'
 
After a moment of silence, He Farted.

Classic!!!  :clap: :clap: :clap:

One day a genie appeared to a California man and offered to grant him one wish.
 the man said:” I wish you'd build a bridge from here to Hawaii so I could drive there anytime"
 The genie frowned" I don't know. It sounds like quite an undertaking,” he said. "Just think of the logistics. The supports required reaching the bottom of the ocean, the concrete, and the steel! Why don't you pick something else?"
 The man thought for a while and then said, "Okay, I wish for a complete understanding of women- what they are thinking, why they cry. I wish I knew how to make a woman truly happy".
 The genie was silent for a minute, then said "So how many lanes did you want on that bridge?"

Man sits down at the bar.
Pulls out a tiny piano and 1 foot tall guy who starts playing it.
Bartender is amazed and asks how he came upon this tiny guy that can the play the piano so beautifully.
Man says:
" Well, I found a lamp on the beach one day and when I rubbed it a genie came out,
He offered me 1 wish, but I think he was hard of hearing.
He thought I wished for a 12 inch pianist"

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