There is less than an year until the election, an election that will decide the next President of the United States. The person elected will be the president of all Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans.

To show our solidarity as Americans, let's all get together and show each other our support for the candidate of our choice. It's time that we come together, Democrats and Republicans alike. If you support the policies and character of the Republican party, please drive with your headlights on during the day. If you support Obama, please drive with your headlights off at night.

FIrst day, First Grade...

It's the first day of school for the new FIrst-Graders, and the teacher
is asking them what they did over the summer after Kindergarten last
year.

"Suzy, what did you do?"

Suzy answers, a little sheepishly, "Um, we went to visit my Nanna
in the country."

"Very good, Suzy.  But we're not in Kindergarten any more and we
should use more grown-up words.  You should say 'Grandmother,'
not 'Nanna,' okay?"

Little Johnny is listening to this with great interest.

"And Judy, what did you do over the summer?"

"Oh, we had so much fun! We took a long ride on a choo-choo!"

"Very nice, Judy, but we're getting more grown-up now, so let's
say 'train' from now on instead of 'choo-choo.'"

Johnny finally "gets" what's going on about using grown-up words.

"And Johnny, what did you do over the summer?"

And Johnny answers, "Mommy and I read a book together."

"Oh, very, very good, Johnny!  What was the name of the book
you read?"

And Johnny, puffed with pride that he understands what the teacher
wants, answers loudly, "Winnie The Shit."

Terry, 230RN

So three 4th graders are on recess, a Japanee, a Hawaiian and a Portagee.

They are bored and decide to show each other their pee pees.

They go behind the building and the Japanee takes out his pee pee and the others look and go "ooh."

Then the Hawaiian takes out his pee pee and the others go, "ooh."

Finally the Portagee takes out his pee pee and the others say "Wow, thats the biggest pee pee of all the 4th graders, its probably because you're Portuguese."

The portage 4th grader is all proud and after school he runs home and tells his Mom, "Mommy, Mommy, the kids in school say I have the biggest pee pee of all the 4th graders, is it because I'm Portuguese?"

The Mom says, "No son, it's because you're 26 years old."
 

A Glock and a 1911 walk into a bar. The 1911 challenges the Glock to a Drinking contest. The Glock replies, "You're foolish old man, you wouldn't make it past 8 rounds"!

I'll just leave this here:

^^^Full of win!   

kinda long...

a cocky bodybuilder guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a hot woman.  he has a few drinks and asks the woman if she would like a drink too. she agrees and they start having a conversation. after a few hours of talking and many drinks the guy asks the woman if she wants to go to his apartment. in her drunken state of mind she agrees.

they go to his apartment and start making out. he sits her on the bed and says "i'm gonna give you a show". he takes his shirt off, flexes and says "BOOM!"
the woman a little shocked says "whoa what was that?"
he says "thats a 1000lbs of dynamite!" she gets a little turned on.
he takes off his pants, flexes and says "BOOM!"
she asks "whats that?"
he says "thats another 1000lbs of dynamite baby!" she gets more turned on.
he takes off his boxers and the woman grabs her purse and runs for the door. he chases her and catches her at the door and says "whats wrong baby?"




she turns around deathly afraid and says "with all that dynamite and that SHORT LITTLE FUSE...i thought we were gonna blow up and die!!!"
 

Not a joke but something that will make you laugh.

I actually saw this once in one of those greasy spoon diners:

EAT HERE, DIET HOME !

Brain Wash The Children First......

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Brain Wash The Children First......

The real joke is that those dipsh!ts actually think they're doing something constructive to lower the crime rate. 

SHOOTZ!!! I was gonna tell the "Potogi Flashlight Joke"

They really have these...Talk about "ruin my joke"
 


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I think it was Marilyn Vos Savant, supposedly the smartest person in the world, who thought the solar flashlight was ridiculous in her column and made great fun of it, akinning it to screen windows on submarines.

I don't know it anyone ever mentioned to her that the cells were for charging it, not running it, 'cause I quit reading her column after that.

It could've been Ann Landers, though.

Terry, 230RN

REF:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marilyn_vos_Savant

My girlfriend texted me today, saying:

Hihoney.Thespacebarisbrokenonmyphone.Whenyoucomehomecanyoulookatitandmaybegivemeanalternative?

Pretty excited to get home.  Still, I can't help but wonder, what the hell does "ternative" mean?

My girlfriend texted me today, saying:

Hihoney.Thespacebarisbrokenonmyphone.Whenyoucomehomecanyoulookatitandmaybegivemeanalternative?

Pretty excited to get home.  Still, I can't help but wonder, what the hell does "ternative" mean?

haha

Damn Coug, between this post and that militia post, I'm on the floor laughing!

Damn Coug, between this post and that militia post, I'm on the floor laughing!

Haha, glad you liked them.  I saw the "ternative" joke on the internet today and I thoroughly enjoyed it, as well!

Shades of Henny Youngman....

  I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!   
 
  The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... she's 21 and her name's Lucy. 
 
  Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary. 
   
  Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."   
 
 Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."   
 
 The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries. 
 
   A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"   
 
 I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening." 
 
   My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.   
 
 I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.   
 
There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but they asked me to leave after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets. 
 
  The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.