A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

A couple's anniversary was coming up, and the wife wanted to do something they had never done before, so she took her husband to a strip club. They walked up to the door, and the doorman said, "Hi, Dave. how 'ya doing?"

The wife says, "How does he know your name?
Dave says, "He's on my Thursday night bowling team!"

They go in and sit down, and a waitress cimes up and says, "Hi, Dave. Ready for your usual Budweiser?"
Wife says, " How does she know what you drink?"
Dave says, "She's on the ladies bowling team. They all know what I like."

Then a stripper runs up, and says, "Hi, Dave. Ready for your usual lap dance?"

The wife has had it! She storms out, jumps in a cab, and Dave runs after her. He gets into the cab and says, "Sweetheart, she mistook me for someone else!"

The cab driver turns around and says, "Damn, Dave! You picked up a real mean one tonight!"

LOL

A couple's anniversary was coming up, and the wife wanted to do something they had never done before, so she took her husband to a strip club. They walked up to the door, and the doorman said, "Hi, Dave. how 'ya doing?"

The wife says, "How does he know your name?
Dave says, "He's on my Thursday night bowling team!"

They go in and sit down, and a waitress cimes up and says, "Hi, Dave. Ready for your usual Budweiser?"
Wife says, " How does she know what you drink?"
Dave says, "She's on the ladies bowling team. They all know what I like."

Then a stripper runs up, and says, "Hi, Dave. Ready for your usual lap dance?"

The wife has had it! She storms out, jumps in a cab, and Dave runs after her. He gets into the cab and says, "Sweetheart, she mistook me for someone else!"

The cab driver turns around and says, "Damn, Dave! You picked up a real mean one tonight!"

good one
lol

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
 
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from  you, I'm doing community service this week.'  The florist was pleased and left the shop.  When the  barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
 
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'  The cop was happy and left the shop.  The next morning when the barber went to open up, There was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
 
Then a Senator came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you.  I'm doing community service this week.'  The  Senator was very happy and left the shop.  The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Senators lined up waiting for a free haircut.
 
And  that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
 
REMEMBER: POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON.

^^^^ So true. Happy Aloha Monday.

.

.

.

And  that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

Oh, just a minor correction:

And  that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens subjects of our country and the politicians who run it.

<snarky grin>

Once again, miscommunication between women and men  A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

Well, it was like this, said the man.  I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball, stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.  That's when I made my mistake.

"What did you do?",  asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

A married couple decided to take a long weekend at a posh local hotel. After settling in, the clerk at the front desk receives a call.

"Motel 6 front desk, how may I help you?"

" You need to send somebody up to my room, my husband is acting like a jerk and arguing with me and now he is threatening to jump out the window."

"I'm sorry Ma'am, that sounds like a personal issue."

"Listen here Mister, the window won't open and that's a maintenance issue!"

nice
 

FBI WARNING:

After a recent wave of identity thefts, the FBI estimates there are over 500 fake Obamacare websites set up for the sole purpose of stealing your personal information. So protect yourself and remember: the real one is the one that doesn't work.

Lol!  Ok, a joke...

----------

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."

Letter to a  Mens Help Line.......

"Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with  the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but  I usually fall asleep.

Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that  moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.  Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?"

Hahaha, awesome

The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards, claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

Agent: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.”

Rancher: “Well, there’s my hired hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

“Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90 percent of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also cooks dinner for my wife occasionally.”

Agent: “That’s the guy I want to talk to – the mentally challenged one.”

Rancher: “That would be me.”

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex.  A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was shot by the woman's husband.

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'