A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington,  DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

A grasshopper walks into a bar.

The bartender says hey we got a drink named after you.

The grasshopper says you have a drink named STEVE?!?

A grasshopper walks into a bar.

The bartender says hey we got a drink named after you.

The grasshopper says you have a drink named STEVE?!?

are you calling me a grasshopper?
 

Who Reads Newspapers?

The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.

The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country.

USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't understand The Washington Post.

The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time.

The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country.

The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something scandalous.

The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that a country is a good idea in the first place.

The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.

The Denver Post is read by people who live in the Southwest, which readers of the other newspapers don't think is part of the country.

Hahaha very good

LOL.  here's another one.

There were these two blondes driving along the highway looking for a place to stop and picnic.

The first blonde says "Let's stop here, and have our picnic under that tree". The other says "No! Let's have it right here in the middle of the road". They argued about it for a bit, but finally agreed to have it in the middle of the road. All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards them and has to swerve into the tree to keep from hitting them. The one blonde says to the other "See? If we were under that tree, we'd be dead now!"

Blonde and Brunette are walking along in the city.  Brunette sees a dead bird on the sidewalk  and exclaims, "Oh, look!  A dead bird!"  Blonde looks up, scanning the sky.  "Oh, where?" she asks.

Who Reads Newspapers?

The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.

The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country.

USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't understand The Washington Post.

The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time.

The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country.

The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something scandalous.

The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that a country is a good idea in the first place.

The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.

The Denver Post is read by people who live in the Southwest, which readers of the other newspapers don't think is part of the country.

And the Honolulu Advertiser is read by a bunch of liberal nimrods who shouldn't even be running their state.

Nixon, Reagan, and Clinton were on a boat that hit a rock and started to sink.

"Women and children first!" Reagan shouted.

"**** the women!" said Nixon.

"Do you think we have enough time for that?" asked Clinton.

Boudreaux was feeling guilty, so he went to confession.

"Father, I kinda took a little lumber from that new construction site."

Priest: "What did you do with the lumber, my son?"

Boudreaux:  "Well, Father, my porch, she's had a hole for a long time. I'm 'fraid someone will break their leg, so I fix the hole."

Priest: "Well, that's not so bad."

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left."

Priest: "What did you do with it?"

Boudreaux:  "Well, my poor dog, Phideaux, he ain't never had no place to get outta the weather, so I make him his own little doghouse."

Priest: "OK, anything else?"

Boudreaux:  "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left. So you know, my truck, she ain't never had no place to get outta de weather either, so I make her a two-car garage."

Priest: "Now, this is getting a little out of hand."

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I still had a little lumber left."

Priest: "Yes?"

Boudreaux: "Well, my wife, she always want a bigger house. So I add two bedrooms and a new bathroom."

Priest:  "OK! That's definitely too much. For your penance, you are going to  have to make a Novena. You do know how to make a Novena, don't you?"

Boudreaux: "No, Father ... but if you got the plans, I got the lumber."

^ Good one!  Too bad I don't have any Catholic friends to tell it to any more.

(Prolly 'cause I told them too many jokes like that.) 

I ain't signin' this one so nobody will know who posted it.

Deer Meat

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

 Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

 The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

 Well, he said, 'It's what mummy calls me sometimes'.

 The little girl screams to her brother

 'Don't eat it, it's an asshole..

Will I Live to see 86?  Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well’ for my age. (I will soon turn Sixty -Three).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 86?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'


'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating,
sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said...He looked at me and said,..'Then, why do you even give a SHIT?

Haha good one. I guessed the ending but it was still funny to read it.

Why do blondes write T.G.i.F. on their shoes?





















toes go in first.

^  !

At a recent organ transplant symposium, three doctors from different countries were sitting, having a coffee and discussing their respective nation's best work.

An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s testicle, put in in another man's scrotum and in 6 weeks, he is out looking for work."

The German doctor says: "That’s nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man's head, and in 4 weeks he is out looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: “Comrades, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another man's chest and in 2 weeks he is out looking for work."

The United States doctor laughs: "Y'all are way, way behind us. Five years ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart and no balls and made him President. Now, the whole country is out looking for work!"

Q. What would America and Canada be called if they joined together?

A. The US of Eh!

^, ^^

Both gut-busters!

But all too true.

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
 Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.  :lol