A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost his shirt,
and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket.
All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be able to make it
home where his wife would be waiting to pick him up. 

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in
and explained his situation to the driver. He promised to send the driver money from home.
He even offered him his drivers license number, his address, etc... 

The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and barely made his flight. 
 
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success,
returned to Vegas, and this time he won BIG! Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out
to the front of the casino to find a cab to take him to the airport. Well who should he see,
at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride
when he was down on his luck. 

The businessman thought for a moment, and he came up with a plan...

The businessman got in the first cab at the front of the line. 

"How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? 

"Fifteen bucks," replied the driver. 

"And how much for you to give me a blowjob?"
 
"What?! Get the hell out of my cab!!!"
 
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions,
always with the same result.
 
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked,
"How much for a ride to the airport?" 

The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks." 

The businessman said, "OK," and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs,
the businessman gave a big smile and a thumbs up to the other drivers!     
 

haha!  nice....

History of Man:

For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of BEER and the invention of the WHEEL. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required more grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement...

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. They became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the Elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the Jackass (for obvious reasons).

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Sam Adams or Aviator. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots, brewers, and generally anyone who works productively.

Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.  Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America.  They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.  And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.....I'm going to have another beer.

Love it!

The Mexican maid asked her employer's wife for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.
The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense!!  Who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did."

Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at having the sex in the bed than you."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth: "And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Senora....The gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much of a raise would you need?"

 

Why do girls fake an orgasm.

Because they think we give a shit...

    A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . It's 11:00 AM on a Wednesday.
    He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"
    The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."
    The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."
    The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
    The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !
    That person puts up his hand and says,
    "I am from Middle East. I am not American."
    He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
    She says, "No, I am from Africa .."
    Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
    The African lady checks her watch and says:
    "Probably at work."

    A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.  A boy, about 9, opened the door. Â "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
    "No, they went to town."
    "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
    "No, he went with Mom and Dad."
    The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
    "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. Â "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
    The boy thought for a moment...then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

    A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . It's 11:00 AM on a Wednesday.
    He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"
    The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."
    The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."
    The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
    The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !
    That person puts up his hand and says,
    "I am from Middle East. I am not American."
    He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
    She says, "No, I am from Africa .."
    Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
    The African lady checks her watch and says:
    "Probably at work."

Not funny 

So true

Think about this:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ....
why don't we just give them ours?
It was written by a lot of really smart guys,
it has worked for over 200 years,
and we're not using it anymore.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post:
'Thou Shalt Not Steal'
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and
'Thou Shall Not Lie'
in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians.
It creates a hostile work environment.

The Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.'

Texas Sheriff's Exam.
 
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview. The Chief Deputy said,"You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted.

We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."  Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.

"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"

Love it!

-----

Great Truths & Possibly the 5 Best Sentences

GREAT TRUTHS

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress. -- John  Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. -- Mark  Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of Congress.  But then I repeat myself. -- Mark  Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -- Winston  Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. --  G. Gordon  Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. --  Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -- Frederic Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850)

11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up  in a few short phrases:  If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan   (1986)

12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -- Will  Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! --  P.J.  O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -- Voltaire (1764)

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest  in you! -- Pericles (430  B.C.)

16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -- Mark Twain  (1866)

17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. -- Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no  responsibility at the other. --  Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of  the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -- Winston  Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.  --Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with  fools. -- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

22. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress. -- Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. -- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you  have. -- Thomas  Jefferson

25. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. --  Aesop


FIVE  BEST SENTENCES

1.  You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealth out of prosperity.

2.  What one person receives without working for...another person must work for without receiving.

3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.

5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work, because the other half is going  to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation!

Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for clunkers" stimulus program?

A: It took 95% of the Obama/Biden bumper stickers off the road!

 

I saw this and laughed

I dialed a number and got the following recording:** **
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
**************************************************

A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother."
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER."
**************************************************

What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress.
**************************************************

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?*
Stress is when wife is pregnant,*
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,*
and Panic is when both are pregnant.*
**************************************************

A woman asks man who is traveling with six children, "Are all these kids yours?"*
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints".
**************************************************

A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"*
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."
**************************************************
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.