Jokes? Jokes, anyone... (Read 635705 times)

mauidog

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #580 on: October 10, 2014, 07:53:39 PM »
I went to a downtown pub tonight and saw a rather large gal dancing on a table.

I yelled, "Good legs!"

The girl smiled and asked me, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!!"


 :D
« Last Edit: October 10, 2014, 08:18:14 PM by mauidog »
An unarmed man can only flee from evil, and evil is not overcome by fleeing from it.   -- Jeff Cooper

mauidog

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #581 on: October 10, 2014, 08:17:54 PM »
Cowboy: "Gimme a 3-pack o' condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
An unarmed man can only flee from evil, and evil is not overcome by fleeing from it.   -- Jeff Cooper

mauidog

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #582 on: October 10, 2014, 10:05:15 PM »
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess
what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose
patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."
An unarmed man can only flee from evil, and evil is not overcome by fleeing from it.   -- Jeff Cooper

Bunker

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #583 on: October 13, 2014, 07:25:23 PM »
Halloween Pumpkin display....

Kingkeoni

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #584 on: October 26, 2014, 07:27:27 AM »
Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style bar in Waikiki and both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and asks, "So where are you from?"
"I'm from Oahu."
"Me too! I'll drink to that."
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where on Oahu are you from?"
"Kapahulu."
"Me too! I'll drink to that."
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Kapahulu are you from?"
"By Diamond Head."
"By Diamond Head? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!"
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where by Diamond Head are you from?"
"Kepuhi Street."
"Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that."
As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Kapahulu. What's going on?"
"Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender."It's just the Souza twins getting sloshed again."
Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.

Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

Jl808

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #585 on: October 30, 2014, 05:21:54 AM »
Too much sex
 
I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.

One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."

His buddy says: "Dude, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about my age (60+), sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that sh1t."
I think, therefore I am armed.
NRA Life Patron member, HRA Life member, HiFiCo Life Member, HDF member

The United States Constitution © 1791. All Rights Reserved.

Jl808

Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #586 on: October 30, 2014, 05:27:20 AM »
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

He replied, "There's something wrong with my dick."

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong, and I told you."

The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

"You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone," the man said. Then he walked out and waited several minutes before re-entering.

The receptionist smiled smugly and said, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear."

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it..."
I think, therefore I am armed.
NRA Life Patron member, HRA Life member, HiFiCo Life Member, HDF member

The United States Constitution © 1791. All Rights Reserved.

one2boost

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #587 on: October 30, 2014, 06:22:06 AM »
A few days ago I was having some work done at Lex Brodies on Queen Street . I was sitting in the little waiting area with other customers messing with my phone and just having some small talk with others to kill some time.  A blonde came in spoke to the salesperson/service writer and asked for a "seven-hundred-ten thingy".  We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

Somehow she heard the waiting customer asked the question and with the dumbfounded look on the salesman'/service writer's face, She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She said that she did not know what it was but this piece had always been there.

He gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.  The salesman/service writer still confused at what engine part the drawing was supposed to be.

The blonde lady went on explaining every engine she seen has one.  He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

Click here to see the engine part she needed.

GotFirearms?

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #588 on: October 30, 2014, 08:18:26 AM »
A few days ago I was having some work done at Lex Brodies on Queen Street . I was sitting in the little waiting area with other customers messing with my phone and just having some small talk with others to kill some time.  A blonde came in spoke to the salesperson/service writer and asked for a "seven-hundred-ten thingy".  We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

Somehow she heard the waiting customer asked the question and with the dumbfounded look on the salesman'/service writer's face, She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She said that she did not know what it was but this piece had always been there.

He gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.  The salesman/service writer still confused at what engine part the drawing was supposed to be.

The blonde lady went on explaining every engine she seen has one.  He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

Click here to see the engine part she needed.

 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: hahahahaha good one :shaka:

Jl808

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #589 on: October 30, 2014, 09:12:56 AM »
 :thumbsup:  Nice!!!
I think, therefore I am armed.
NRA Life Patron member, HRA Life member, HiFiCo Life Member, HDF member

The United States Constitution © 1791. All Rights Reserved.

Jl808

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #590 on: November 15, 2014, 01:34:17 PM »
Voted Best Joke in Ireland

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast ?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John !" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.  The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
I think, therefore I am armed.
NRA Life Patron member, HRA Life member, HiFiCo Life Member, HDF member

The United States Constitution © 1791. All Rights Reserved.

stangzilla

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #591 on: November 19, 2014, 12:54:15 PM »
Quote from: Mr Chubbs;1561045
I know.  It's an oldie.... :)



An aged Sioux Indian, a weathered cowboy  and a 20's something Muslim man were sitting on a bus stop bench waiting for the next bus.  In an effort to stimulate conversation, the old warrior says: "Once my people roamed the  plains.  We were a great people, a feared enemy, we were very many."  He paused in his reflection.  "But now we are few."

The young Muslim man spoke up.  "Once my people were few and rarely ventured beyond an extended area of arid lands in the Middle East.  Now we are many and are known throughout the world!"  Then, with a sly look at the old Sioux brave, he asked with a sneer, "I wonder why that is?".

The old cowboy leaned back, crossed his outstretched legs by placing one dusty worn boot heel on the ankle of the shaft of his opposing boot. Pulling his left hand from his jeans pocket, he removed the tooth pick from his lips and studied it briefly before replying to the Muslim's statement.
"'Why is it that you folks is so many' you ask?" Drawls the old cowboy.  "Prob'ly 'cause we ain't played cowboys and Muslims yet."

mauidog

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #592 on: November 20, 2014, 01:23:31 PM »
An unarmed man can only flee from evil, and evil is not overcome by fleeing from it.   -- Jeff Cooper

Jl808

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #593 on: November 23, 2014, 07:28:16 AM »
Boudreaux, the smoothest talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty. His first assignment was in a military induction center, and because he was a good talker they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was remarkable because it cost these low-income recruits $30 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge.

The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.

Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you has da normal GI insurance and you goes to Afghanistan and gets youself killed, da governmen' pays you benefishery $20,000. If you takes out da supplemental insurans, which cost you only tirty dollars a munt, den da governmen gots to pay you benefishery $400,000!"

"Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which folks do you tink dey gonna send to Afghanistan first?
I think, therefore I am armed.
NRA Life Patron member, HRA Life member, HiFiCo Life Member, HDF member

The United States Constitution © 1791. All Rights Reserved.

Jl808

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #594 on: December 10, 2014, 09:54:51 PM »
MT. VERNON, TEXAS …

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business.

In response, the local Baptist Church across the street started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.  Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground.

After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."

But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."  In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented:  "I don't know how the heck I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bull."
« Last Edit: December 12, 2014, 06:30:39 AM by Jl808 »
I think, therefore I am armed.
NRA Life Patron member, HRA Life member, HiFiCo Life Member, HDF member

The United States Constitution © 1791. All Rights Reserved.

Kingkeoni

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #595 on: December 20, 2014, 02:42:55 AM »
Father son talk



A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.

Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

mauidog

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #596 on: December 31, 2014, 06:49:44 PM »
An unarmed man can only flee from evil, and evil is not overcome by fleeing from it.   -- Jeff Cooper

mauidog

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #597 on: January 02, 2015, 10:25:50 PM »
An unarmed man can only flee from evil, and evil is not overcome by fleeing from it.   -- Jeff Cooper

Heavies

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #598 on: January 05, 2015, 09:38:50 AM »
A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.

And I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down.

230RN

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Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #599 on: January 10, 2015, 05:44:44 AM »
^ That was a pretty cuntrived joke.
I do believe that the radical and crazy notion that the Founders meant what they said, is gradually soaking through the judicial system.