It's an oldie but goodie 

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Not finding the humor. UFP!

Fixed it.......

Quote from: Growler67 on October 20, 2011, 03:34:30 PM

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Not finding the humor. UFP!

Hahaha,  oh man, that is the funniest joke ever. 

Fixed it.......

2A's got this site set up so all you have to do is include the url of the youtube video and it'll post the video inline. No need to bother with all the extra coding.

Just this part: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OpuuAa7gdE#

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Boy hears Mom, recently divorced, making noises in her bedroom.  So he tiptoes out of his room, tiptoes down to her room, and peeps in the keyhole.  He sees her standing in front of her mirror, completely nude, going "Oh, oh, I want a man, I nee-eed a man!" as she runs her hands up and down her body and sways seductively.

Next night he hears the same noises, so he tiptoes out, tiptoes down to her room and peeps in the keyhole. He again sees her nude, rubbing herself up and down and swaying seductively and hears her going, "Oh, oh, I want a man, I nee-eed a man!" and tiptoes back into his room.

Next night he hears different noises, so he again goes to her room and this time he sees her hugging and kissing a man.

He runs back to his room, strips off his pajamas, stands in front of his mirror and rubs himself up and down, swaying just like he saw his mother, and goes, "Oh, oh, I want a bicycle, I nee-eed a bicycle!"

Boy hears Mom, recently divorced, making noises in her bedroom.  So he tiptoes out of his room, tiptoes down to her room, and peeps in the keyhole.  He sees her standing in front of her mirror, completely nude, going "Oh, oh, I want a man, I nee-eed a man!" as she runs her hands up and down her body and sways seductively.

Next night he hears the same noises, so he tiptoes out, tiptoes down to her room and peeps in the keyhole. He again sees her nude, rubbing herself up and down and swaying seductively and hears her going, "Oh, oh, I want a man, I nee-eed a man!" and tiptoes back into his room.

Next night he hears different noises, so he again goes to her room and this time he sees her hugging and kissing a man.

He runs back to his room, strips off his pajamas, stands in front of his mirror and rubs himself up and down, swaying just like he saw his mother, and goes, "Oh, oh, I want a bicycle, I nee-eed a bicycle!"

Jeeves, long the loyal manservant of the elderly Lord Faversham-Bosworthy, approached his Master's bedroom one fine morning bearing the old man's breakfast on a silver tray. 

As he entered the bedroom, the eastern sunlight streaming through the castle's windows illuminated the old gentleman's infrequent erection poking up through the blankets.

"Oh, very good, Sir," he said, noticing the old man's rare arousal.  "Shall I notify Her Ladyship to come in?"

"No, no, Jeeves.  Just hand me my baggy tweeds. I shall smuggle this one into town."

Got this one from my brother today.

Story  from a Kansas State Highway  Patrol Officer

I  made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day  for  speeding on  U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73  just East of Sedan , KS.  I  asked for her driver's license, registration, and  proof of  insurance. The  lady took out the required information and handed it  to  me.  I was somewhat surprised (due to her  advanced  age) to  see that she was carrying a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and asked her if she  had a weapon in her possession at this time. She responded that she indeed had a .45  semi-automatic in  her glove  box. Something about her body  language or the way she responded made me  want to  ask if she had any other firearms. She admitted to also  having a  9mm Glock in her center console.  I had to ask one more time if that was all the firearms she had in possession and she responded once again that she did  have just  one more-- a .357 Magnum in her purse. I then asked  her  what was  she so afraid  of.

She  looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a f---- thing!"
 
Seniors  - Don't mess with them.  They didn't get old by being  stupid.

There's was a Potogi guy named Mano driving his '69 Camaro one day.. Mano came up to a red traffic light and stopped...

A Hawaiian guy named Kimo pulled up next to Mano with a '69 Mustang REVVING his motor really loud...

Kimo looked at Mano and kept REVVING  and REVVING his motor...

Kimo finally yelled out at Mano saying "WHAT!!!................RACE?!?!?"

Mano, yelled back in arrogant confidence saying .......... "POTOGI......!!"

Father Jarvis felt after living in a monastery for 40 years that he had lost touch with the flock. He decided to leave his devotions for a day and travel down to town to be among the people.

Determined to see it all he even wandered into the part of town he was told was too dangerous for a priest. There he witnessed drunkenness, drugs and all manner of wickedness.

At one point a prostitute came on to him and said "Hey, you wanna blow job? I've never given a blow job to a man of the cloth before."

'Why thank you, but what is a 'blow job'?" the pious Father asked.

"$20"

He thanked her for her kind offer but turned her down, thoroughly confused.

On his way back to his monastery that evening he stopped by the Abbey and asked to see the wise and worldly head Abbess.

"Mother, I walked among the lay people today and am most unsettled by what I experienced. What" he asked her " is a 'blow job'?"

"$20. Same as in town."

--------------------------------------
The fun part is that I was actually told that joke by a priest. 

An update on Cinderella

Cinderella is now 90 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince,
She happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch
With a cat named Bob for companionship.

One afternoon out of nowhere appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" "Cinderella," she replied, "You have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed and, after some thoughtful consideration, She uttered her first wish...

"The prince was wonderful but he was not a very good investor. I am living
Hand-to-mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I was quite wealthy.

And, almost instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold.


Cinderella said, "Oh, thank you, fairy godmother!"

"Well, it's the least I can do. What is your second wish?"

Cinderella looked at her frail body and said, "I wish that I
Was young again with the beauty and youth I once had."

Her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful appearance returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

Then the fairy godmother said, "You have one more wish... What is it?"

Cinderella looked over at the frightened cat in the corner and said...

"I would like to have Bob, my old cat, transformed into a kind and
Handsome young man."
Almost magically, the cat underwent a fundamental a change in his Biological make-up and, when he stood before her, he was a man so Handsome, the likes of him that she had never seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella!
Enjoy your new life."

And then, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
The fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Bob gazed into each
other's eyes.

Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most handsome and
Stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair,
And he held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing into her golden hair with his warm breath,
As he quietly whispered...

"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!"

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time
we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in
approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs
for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say
something with ass."

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year
old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom,
I guess I'll have some Cheerios.

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen
floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with
his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every
step.. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can
stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and
asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast
, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass
it won't be Cheerios!"

it's not a joke but it's pretty dang funny

http://gawker.com/5865800/dipshit-robs-wal+mart-on-shop-with-a-cop-day

Dipshit Robs Wal-Mart on ‘Shop with a Cop’ Day

TrendAlertWatch! Criminals are stupider than ever. Hot on the heels of the Anthony Miranda affair — the guy who tried to hold up a UFC fighter and wound up with a face like a turnip and a hole in his leg — comes the tale of marauding brainiac Timothy Randall Clark, who chose to shoplift at a Maryland Wal-Mart during their annual "Shop with a Cop" Day. ("Shop with a Cop" Day is a community program that brings law enforcement and needy children together for a fun afternoon of shopping and gun-cleaning demonstrations. Or something like that. I don't know! This is America.)

    Loss prevention officers at the Wal-Mart on Acton Lane saw a man in a back room cutting open packages of video games and game accessories and stuffing them inside his clothes. As the suspect walked towards the door, Charles County officers in the store were alerted and grabbed the suspect in the parking lot.

Clark had on his person 26 PlayStation and Xbox games, two controllers, and various other video game accessories tucked inside his pants and sweatshirt. He was arrested immediately, strung up, and turned into a human pinata to the delight of a small horde of baseball-bat-wielding youngsters in need. I do declare this to be another "Shop with a Cop" Day success! Yay!

^ My credulity is stretched to the breaking point with that one.  Sounds like something The Onion would make up.  On the other hand, thievery knows no bounds.

Terry,230RN

REF:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Onion

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his pants and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your pants."

He says, "That's right, and don't you forget it. I wear the pants in this family."

The bride then takes off her panties and says, "Try those on."

He looks at the little panties and replies, "I can't get into your panties."

She answers, "And you never will if you don't change that attitude."

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.
 
He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.
 
She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.

So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.

The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!".
 
So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well.

Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

ahahahaha