Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai.He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Scotland.He told her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he pees.

David Letterman's Top 10 Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns to Women

10.  You can trade and old 44 for a new 22.

9.  You can keep one gun at home and have another one for when you are on the road.

8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

7.  Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for back up.

6.  Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

5.  A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

4.  Guns function normally every day of the month.

3.  A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason why men prefer guns over women....

1.  You can buy a silencer for a gun.

Letterman's list inspired me to come up with the following:

Mr. Farknocker's Top Ten Reasons Why Women Prefer Guns to Men

10. Real guns don't shoot blanks.

9.  Gun barrels never soften over time.

8. A gun will only shoot when you want it to.

7. A fully loaded gun still maintains its aim.

6.  Guns don't misfire.

5.  A gun can fire 15 times and as fast or slow as you want it to.

4. Guns don't smell bad when they haven't been cleaned

3.  You can always play with two guns at the same time if you want to.

2.  The grips never expand over time.

And the number one reason why women prefer guns to men......

1.  Guns appreciate in value over time.

Mr. Farknkocker
Full Member

Posts: 116
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Mr. Farknocker's Top Ten Reasons Why Women Prefer Guns to Men

Say, how do you pronounce that anyway?

Mr. "Fark-en-kocker" or Mr. "Fark-nocker?"

Jes' wonderin'.

Women:  Chemical Analysis

ATOMIC MASS:    Accepted as 118 lbs., known to vary from 110 to 550 lbs.
OCCURRENCE:     Copious quantities throughout the world.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
        1.  Surface usually covered with a painted film
        2.  Boils at nothing, freezes without reason
        3.  Melts if given special treatment
        4.  Bitter if incorrectly used
        5.  Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to
            common crude
        6.  Yields to pressure applied to correct points

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
        1.  Has great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and
            precious stones
        2.  Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
        3.  May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for
            no known reason
        4.  Insoluble in liquids but activity is greatly increased
            by saturation in alcohol
        5.  Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man   
       
COMMON USES
        1.  Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
        2.  Can be great aid to relaxation

TESTS
        1.  Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in
            natural state
        2.  Turns green when placed beside a better specimen

HAZARDS
        1.  Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
        2.  Illegal to possess more than one

Say, how do you pronounce that anyway?

Mr. "Fark-en-kocker" or Mr. "Fark-nocker?"

Jes' wonderin'.

I screwed up on the registration. It's supposed to be "Farknocker"

I figured that, but I couldn't resist using "Fark-en-kocker."

Give me time, I'm only on my fourth childhood.

That's actually a better name

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the
humor of the slopes as written in this account by a New Orleans
newspaper.

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with
the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. 
Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic
numbness all over.  The "Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she
was in dire need of a restroom.  He told her not to worry, that
he was sure there was relief at the top of the lift in the form
of a powder room for female skiers in distress.  He was wrong,
of course, and the pain did not go away.

If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you
know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. 
So with time running out, she weighed her options.

Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that
since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off
in the woods.  No one would ever notice, he assured her.  The white
will provide more than adequate camouflage.  So she headed for the
tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing.  If you've
ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right
way and a wrong way to set your skis so you don't move.  Yup, you got
it.  She had the skis positioned the wrong way.

Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments.
Without any warning, the woman found herself skiing backwards, out of
control racing throught the trees, somehow missing all of them, and on
to the slopes.  Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her
pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while
she continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual
sight for the other skiers.

The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift,
and finally collided violently with a pylon.  The bad news was that
she broke her arm and was unable to pull up the ski pants.  At long
last her husband arrived, put an end to her nude show, then went to
the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported
her to a hospital.

In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with a broken leg
was put in the bed next to hers.

"So, how'd you break your leg?"  She asked, making small talk.

"It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said.  "I was riding up
this ski lift and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes.  There was
this crazy woman skiing backwards out of control down the mountain
with her bare bottom hanging out."

"I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize
how far I'd moved.  I fell out of the lift."

"So, how'd you break your arm?"

I often get dirty looks when I ask a skier limping along in a cast and crutch why they didn't put the cast on before they went skiing.

<runs and hides... again>



(You see a lot of that around here very soon after the slopes open.)

Terry, 230RN

Don, that billboard is photoshopped, isn't it?  Why would the Brady Campaign pay to put that up??  Hell, that's the sort of billboard I'd pay to put up in the airport if we ever get our carry laws fixed!

No my friend lives in Florida and he took the picture. He said it was right on the side of the freeway.

Stop me if you've heard this before...

"911, What is your emergency?"

"I just accidentally shot my buddy and I think he's dead!  What do I do now?"

"First, make sure he's really dead."

<pause>

BANG!

"Okay, he's dead, now what do I do?"

A couple is driving down the highway when a cop pulls them over.  The
cop walks up and says, "You were doing eighty-five in a fifty-five."

The guy says, "You know, officer, I was doing sixty the whole time,
and then the last few minutes, I guess I was just keeping up with
traffic and I wasn't watching..."  His wife says, "That's not true.
You were doing eighty-five or ninety the whole time."  He turns to
her and says, "Will you shut up?"

The cop says, "And I noticed you haven't got your seat belt buckled."
He says, "Well, officer, I did have it buckled, but then I had to
undo it to get my wallet out to show you my license."  His wife says,
"That's not true.  You haven't had it on the whole time."  He turns
to her and says, "What the hell is wrong with you?  Shut your trap."

The cop walks around to the wife's side and motions for her to roll
down the window.  He says, "Does he always talk to you like that?"
She says, "Only when he's drunk."

There is this national guard unit that has to conduct annual training but are short on money. The commander comes up with a plan to conduct annual training and briefs his troops. The commander says "Due to budget short falls we are unable to afford bullets, so we will improvise and overcome. While conducting exercises the trops will use verbal commands. If you identify the enemy approaching you will announce your shot by saying BANGIDY BANG!"

Exercises commence and there is a soldier hiding in some shrubs as part of an ambush. Soon after he identifies an enemy soldier headed towards him. The soldier stands up and says "BANGIDY BANG" The on-comming soldier drops like he has just been shot.

About 20 min later the soldier identifies another enemy soldier headed his way. He immediately stands up points his weapon and Yells "BANGIDY BANG". The enemy soldier drops.

About 30 min later the soldier identifies a third enemy soldier headed his way. The soldier stands up from his ambush spot and yells "BANGIDY BANG" Nothing happens, the enemy soldier is still headed his way. The Soldier stands up again and yells louder, "BANGIDY BANG!. Still nothing happens and the enemy soldier is still marching his way. By this time the enemy soldier is right up on him and the soldier stands up and yells at the top of his lungs "BANGIDY BANG, BANGIDY BANG... The enemy soldier then pushes the soldier onto his back and stomps on him saying "TANKIDY TANK, TANKIDY TANK"...

A priest is walking down the street and he notices a young boy
sitting on the curb holding a jar of clear liquid.  Curious, the
priest sits next to the boy and asks, "what's in the jar?"  The
boy responds, "this is turpentine, the most powerful liquid in
the world."  The priest, amused, reaches into his pocket and
pulls out a vial of liquid and replies, "no, my son, this is
holy-water, the most powerful liquid in the world.  Why, you can
rub this on a pregnant woman's belly and she'll pass a baby." 
The young boy ponders this for only a second when he counters,
while shaking the jar, "heck, if you rub THIS on a cat's butt
it'll pass a motorcycle."

Sumbitch

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky .

Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force.

By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone.

They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened.

They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine.

"Do you realize that is Air Force One the airplane of the President of the United States ?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They's all kilt  straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."

"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... But you know how bad that sumbitch lies.