The Reverend was delivering the best fire-and-brimstone sermon of his life.  It was filled with animation and vivid images of the fate awaiting all Sinners.  He painted colorful pictures of the Lake of Fire and the eternal tortures awaiting Profligates and Moral Degenerates, expecially those who indulged in the Sins of the Flesh.

Satisfied that his flock was cowering in abject fear, he shouted his conclusion, "So would you risk an eternity in Hell JUST FOR THE SAKE OF AN HOUR'S WORTH OF PLEASURE?"

And the Amens and Hallelujahs filled the church after this, his personal best. As usual, he went to the Church entrance to greet the Congregation as they filed out....

"Great Sermon, Pastor," they said as they shook his hand on leaving, and "Oh, how inspiring that Sermon was," and other congratulatory words.

But one very pretty young lady hung back a little, and was the last one out of the church.  She shook the Pastor's hand gently and said quietly, "That was a very good Sermon, Pastor, but I have one question."

"Yes, my child, what is it?"

She blushed sweetly and replied shyly, "H- how do you make it last a whole hour?"

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN LAW AREN'T:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
 9. He is one hard judge!
 8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
 7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
 6. Is it a penal offense?
 5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
 4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
 3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
 2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn't:
1. Think you can get me off?

What do the Chevy Volt and Obama have in common?

They both make BIG promises and come short on delivery!

Pay your bills...

Once upon a time there   lived a beautiful Queen with queenly large breasts.  Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
 
 
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the  Physician, the King's chief doctor.  Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
 
Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
 
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.  Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.  Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
 
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.  Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.  The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by both the King and Queen as a hero.
 
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
 
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.  The King immediately summoned Nick.

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLDER, AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE

George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available" George said,

"Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story)

I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people.


REMEMBER, GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.

Great story!  And, smart man! 

What is really funny is that they can send all kinds out to get a guy trying to protect his property, and not lift a finger for the freaken real criminals out there.

Good for that guy!  I hope they didn't charge him with making a false report. If this were here I'd bet they throw him in jail too. Sad.

K.... Sorry if dis was said before....
i 've been drinking....

But; Knock, Knock,....

Who's dea?

Potagee burglah!

For the college football fans....

Whach call a old lady who likes young guys? .... A Cougar!

Whach call a old man who likes youngs boys?.... A Nittney Lion!


Look it up,,,, Muuuaaahhhahahhhaaaaa.......

Penn St. games all start when the big hand touches the little hand......

"Penn St. games all start when the big hand touches the little hand......"

Very subtle... very good. 

Me in my camouflage outfit up by Nederland CO.

I'm sorry I didn't camouflage my rifle, so it's pretty obvious.  Otherwise, not bad, eh?





Terry, 230RN

(Pic credit in properties.)

Me in my camouflage outfit up by Nederland CO.

I'm sorry I didn't camouflage my rifle, so it's pretty obvious.  Otherwise, not bad, eh?





Terry, 230RN

(Pic credit in properties.)

Trying to find you in this pic gives me a worse headache than those megatouch machines in bars where you have to find the difference between two pictures. /can'tfindyou

 

Trying to find you in this pic gives me a worse headache than those megatouch machines in bars where you have to find the difference between two pictures. /can'tfindyou

Hahahahaha, that's why this is posted in the jokes section. 

Oh, did I put it in the wrong thread?  I thought I put it in the strategies and tactics section.  Dayam!

Here's me in my urban camouflage.



That's my Dalmation, Harry, sitting next to me on the fifth step, but it's hard to camo his tongue for when he licks his nose, so it's pretty obvious in this shot.  Sorry.  It was a hot day.

If I really want to sneak around unnoticed, though, I wear my Cape of Invisibility:



Terry, 230RN

Oh, did I put it in the wrong thread?  I thought I put it in the strategies and tactics section.  Dayam!

Here's me in my urban camouflage.



That's my Dalmation, Harry, sitting next to me on the fifth step, but it's hard to camo his tongue for when he licks his nose, so it's pretty obvious in this shot.  Sorry.  It was a hot day.

If I really want to sneak around unnoticed, though, I wear my Cape of Invisibility:



Terry, 230RN

damn your good.

lol darn. I got gonged!

Blonde explains miles per hour: