Prepping... 

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A  HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, "HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?  IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW."
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,  "FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ‘GE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO."
“FINE," THEN THE WIFE ASKS, "WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."
TO WHICH HE REPLIES, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ‘WESTINGHOUSE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO."
“FINE," SHE SAYS, "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK."
"I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS."
HE SAYS, "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'HOME HARDWARE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO - I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!"
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A  COUPLE OF HOURS...................... .. ......
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME.
AS HE WALKS UP TO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.
AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
“HONEY," HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?”
SHE SAYS, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM."
"HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE HIM A CAKE."
HE SAYS, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?"
SHE REPLIES, "HELLOOOOO... DO YOU SEE 'BETTY CROCKER' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?”

 

Bubba been working out. 

 
Nancy Pelosi called Chuck Schumer one day and said, "I have a plan to help us win the midterms in 2018 and help us regain control of Congress."
 
"Great Nancy, but how?" asked Chuck.
 
 “We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever. Then, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."
 
So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman, Montana. With the dog in tow,  they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.

The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi?"
“Yes we are!" said Nancy, "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Chuck suggested we stop and take in some local color."

They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.
A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador , lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out.
 
A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.

For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads.

Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"
"Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, claiming there's a Labrador Retriever in here with two assholes!"
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Journey of Man

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
 
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
 
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
 
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
 
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
 
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
 
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
 

Here's a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
 
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
 
The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
 
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more - or - less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
 
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing $10.
 
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her $10 "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
 
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
 
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
 
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
 
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' drywall..."

President Reagan tells a joke:

https://www.liveleak.com/view?t=CQbmv_1537402452

President Reagan tells a joke:

https://www.liveleak.com/view?t=CQbmv_1537402452

...
 

I'm now safe in a Democrat world.

   I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.
I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on EBAY any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off my front window.
I bought two Syrian flags and put one at each corner of the front yard.
Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN Buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flag pole.

   Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7.
I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.

   Plus, I bought burkas for me to wear when I shop or travel.
Everyone moves out of the way, and security can't pat me down.
If they say I'm a male wearing a burka, I just say I'm feeling like a woman today.

Hot Damn...Safe at last!! 

Location... Location... Location!
 
You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home.
 
The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.
 
By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable."
 
BUT. . .

 
 
In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."
 
In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."
 
In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.
 
In Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend."
 
In Wyoming or Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."
 
In Idaho, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."
 
In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."
 
In North Carolina, Virginia, WV, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky, South Carolina, and Minnesota he would be called "a deer huntin' buddy."
 
In Hawaii, New York, Illinois, and New Jersey he would be called a terrorist
 
AND OF COURSE. . .
 
In Texas, he'd just be "Bubba... who's a little short on Ammo."
 

 
    When I went to lunch today, I noticed a woman about 75-80 years old sitting on a park bench, sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.

“I have a 22-year-old husband at home,” she says. “He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee.”
 

“Well, then why are you crying?” I ask.

“He makes me homemade soup for lunch,” she says, “and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon.”


“Well, so why are you crying?” I ask again.
 
She stops crying and says, “For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 am.”
 

“Well,” I ask, “Then what is the problem?”


She says, “I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!!!!”

This is a good one.....

There were 3 brothers from China, Bu, Chu and Fu. When they moved to America, they decided to change their names.
Bu changed his name to Buck...
Chu changed his name to Chuck.
And Fu... Well, he had to go back to China! 😜
 

why do Aussie's poor their used engine oil in their gardens?
...























To keep their guns from rusting!

 author=Mdotweber link=topic=2116.msg299681#msg299681 date=1554851745]
why do Aussie's poor their used engine oil in their gardens?
...























To keep their guns from rusting!
[/quote]

 

The Magic Green Hat                                                   

Visiting in Florida last week, I needed to go to the emergency room for a pain in my side. Not wanting to sit there for several hours, I put on my MAGIC GREEN HAT

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people in the room got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. It cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

Here's the hat:?? ($19.00 on Amazon, but worth every penny )



??


It also works at Dept. of Motor Vehicles. It saved me several hours.

At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

It might also cut your wait time at the grocery store.

But...don't try it at McDonald's??? The whole crew ran out the back door and I never did get my order!

 

I think the ICE hat would work a little better.