Jokes? Jokes, anyone... (Read 635431 times)

wirecounter

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #140 on: March 23, 2012, 08:49:43 AM »

Jkeone808

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #141 on: March 23, 2012, 10:22:04 AM »
Blonde explains miles per hour:
My god  :rofl:
"A free people ought not only to be armed and disciplined, but they should have sufficient arms and ammunition to maintain a status of independence from any who might attempt to abuse them, which would include their own government."
- George Washington

Kingkeoni

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #142 on: March 23, 2012, 10:48:46 AM »
Blonde explains miles per hour:

All my life I've been searching for a woman that dumb.
Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.

Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

230RN

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Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #143 on: March 24, 2012, 12:50:50 AM »
She must be AWFULLY good in the um... kitchen.
I do believe that the radical and crazy notion that the Founders meant what they said, is gradually soaking through the judicial system.

Inspector

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #144 on: March 24, 2012, 06:57:04 AM »
She must be AWFULLY good in the um... kitchen.
Aw come on! Say it already! We all know what your thinking!  :rofl:
SCIENCE THAT CAN’T BE QUESTIONED IS PROPAGANDA!!!

Inspector

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #145 on: March 24, 2012, 07:01:50 AM »
Actually, I hate to say this but...... She is probably more of a pain in the ass than anything else.  :rofl:
SCIENCE THAT CAN’T BE QUESTIONED IS PROPAGANDA!!!

230RN

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Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #146 on: March 26, 2012, 10:41:09 PM »
Actually, it sounds to me like it was a scripted dealie. 

Since I got my high speed connection and can look at videos, I've been seeing a lot of stuff that looks prearranged. 

Especially of late, I tend not to trust any really way-out photos.  I remember seeing that one of the iceberg and thinking that that photograph was impossible.  Turned out it was a fake, a composite of several photos blended together for dramatic effect and the BS description of the circumstances surrounding the photo was a pack of lies:

http://www.snopes.com/photos/natural/iceberg.asp

(I use that iceberg photo as my personal "classic example" of photophraud.  Others abound.)

<off-topic ramble>

I remember seeing a pair of photos (ETA: see below) with Stalin and a soon-to-be purged official (STBPO) standing next to him, and after the purge, photo experts removed the STBPO image from the photo and expertly replaced it with the choppy water that was the background of the original.  And that was in the days of chemical photography retouching, where you had to scrape emulsions off the image with a little scalpel and use delicate inked brushes to retouch pictures.

I used to do that in a minor way when I did weddding photography a looooong time ago --it's not that hard to remove a lamp from behind the bride's head if there was a plain wall behind her.  I did the processing, and a buddy-partner did the photography and I got sick of him saying, when something was wrong with a pic, "Well, you can take it out in the enlarging."

</off-topic ramble>

Terry, 230RN

REF/ETA (from a quick search... as I say, examples abound:

http://www.oddee.com/item_96803.aspx

And I found the Stalin pics I mentioned:

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/9/91/Voroshilov%2C_Molotov%2C_Stalin%2C_with_Nikolai_Yezhov.jpg

Compare:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:The_Commissar_Vanishes_2.jpg

« Last Edit: March 26, 2012, 11:03:05 PM by 230RN »
I do believe that the radical and crazy notion that the Founders meant what they said, is gradually soaking through the judicial system.

Kingkeoni

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #147 on: March 26, 2012, 11:19:08 PM »
 A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'.
Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his Mom.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds,
''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''     
Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.

Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

230RN

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Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #148 on: March 29, 2012, 03:25:26 AM »
<Post deleted by poster for possible © violation>
« Last Edit: March 29, 2012, 03:34:26 AM by 230RN »
I do believe that the radical and crazy notion that the Founders meant what they said, is gradually soaking through the judicial system.

SpeedTek

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Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #149 on: April 01, 2012, 04:42:00 PM »
25 years ago we had Ronald Reagan, Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash & Bob Hope.

Today we have Barack Obama, NO Jobs, NO Cash & NO Hope!
Political Correctness is FOS
I collect M1 Carbines, PM me if youre selling!
& Bolt Action 308s also 10/22 Rugers.
Buying STOCK Ruger 10/22 parts and bits, PM me.
Now doing Vintage VW Parts!

Cougar8045

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #150 on: April 01, 2012, 10:05:50 PM »
25 years ago we had Ronald Reagan, Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash & Bob Hope.

Today we have Barack Obama, NO Jobs, NO Cash & NO Hope!

PLEASE DON'T DIE!!!
I'm just a fluffy white bunny rabbit who lost his way. 

"If a thief be found breaking in, and be smitten that he die, there shall no blood be shed for him. ..."  -Exodus 22:2

Dregs

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #151 on: April 04, 2012, 10:19:25 PM »

Mr. Farknocker

Things you won't hear your burglar telling you...
« Reply #152 on: April 05, 2012, 01:39:38 PM »
Here's a little common sense applied in a vigorous way.

(I can't vouch for the source of the info which appears at the bottom)



1. Of course I look familiar. I was here just last week cleaning your
carpets, painting your shutters, or delivering your new refrigerator.


2. Hey, thanks for letting me use the bathroom when I was working in your
yard last week. While I was in there, I unlatched the back window to make my
return a little easier.


3. Love those flowers. That tells me you have taste... and
taste means there are nice things inside. Those yard toys your kids leave
out always make me wonder what type of gaming system they have.


4. Yes, I really do look for newspapers piled up on the driveway. And I
might leave a pizza flyer in your front door to see how long it takes you to
remove it..


5. If it snows while you're out of town, get a neighbor to create car and
foot tracks into the house.. Virgin drifts in the driveway are a dead
giveaway.


6. If decorative glass is part of your front entrance, don't let your alarm
company install the control pad where I can see if it's set. That makes it
too easy.


7. A good security company alarms the window over the sink. And the windows
on the second floor, which often access the master bedroom - and your
jewelry. It's not a bad idea to put motion detectors up there too.


8. It's raining, you're fumbling with your umbrella, and you forget to lock
your door - understandable. But understand this: I don't take a day off
because of bad weather.


9. I always knock first. If you answer, I'll ask for directions somewhere or
offer to clean your gutters. (Don't take me up on it.)


10. Do you really think I won't look in your sock drawer? I always check
dresser drawers, the bedside table, and the medicine cabinet.


11. Here's a helpful hint: I almost never go into kids' rooms.


12. You're right: I won't have enough time to break into that safe where you
keep your valuables. But if it's not bolted down, I'll take it with me.


13. A loud TV or radio can be a better deterrent than the
best alarm system. If you're reluctant to leave your TV on while you're out
of town, you can buy a $35 device that works on a timer and simulates the
flickering glow of a real television. (Find it athttp://www.faketv/.com/
<http://www.faketv/.com/> )


MORE THINGS A BURGLAR WON'T TELL YOU:


1. Sometimes, I carry a clipboard. Sometimes, I dress like a lawn guy and
carry a rake. I do my best to never, ever look like a crook.


2. The two things I hate most: loud dogs and nosy neighbors.


3. I'll break a window to get in, even if it makes a little noise. If your
neighbor hears one loud sound, he'll stop what he's doing and wait to hear
it again. If he doesn't hear it again, he'll just go back to what he was
doing. It's human nature.


4. I'm not complaining, but why
would you pay all that money for a fancy alarm system and leave your house
without setting it?


5. I love looking in your windows. I'm looking for signs that you're home,
and for flat screen TVs or gaming systems I'd like. I'll drive or walk
through your neighborhood at night, before you close the blinds, just to
pick my targets.


6. Avoid announcing your vacation on your Facebook page. It's easier than
you think to look up your address.


7. To you, leaving that window open just a crack during the day is a way to
let in a little fresh air. To me, it's an invitation.


8. If you don't answer when I knock, I try the door. Occasionally, I hit the
jackpot and walk right in.


Sources: Convicted burglars in North Carolina , Oregon , California , and
Kentucky ; security consultant Chris McGoey, who runs
http://www.crimedoctor.com/ and Richard T. Wright, a criminology professor
at the University of Missouri-St. Louis, who interviewed 105 burglars for
his book Burglars on the Job.


Mr. Farknocker

Re: Things you won't hear your burglar telling you...
« Reply #153 on: April 05, 2012, 01:45:31 PM »


11. Here's a helpful hint: I almost never go into kids' rooms.



I would disregard this one. I had the unfortunate experience of having a dude break into my house while I and my siblings were home and while my parents were out.  We pretended to be asleep in our rooms. I think I was 8 or 9, somewhere in that neighborhood. The dude actually came into my room and turned on the lights and rummaged through my dresser before leaving to finish what he came to do. The dude had some balls.

230RN

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Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #154 on: April 09, 2012, 08:57:50 AM »
Quite a while ago wife1 and I had our house burgled by the garbageman.  The trash cans were left by the unlocked back door, and he just walked in while we were out and prowled around.

That was a bit of an education. 

They caught him and most of the stuff was returned to us, but a good lesson.
I do believe that the radical and crazy notion that the Founders meant what they said, is gradually soaking through the judicial system.

Kingkeoni

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #155 on: April 09, 2012, 09:52:47 AM »
Quite a while ago wife1 and I had our house burgled by the garbageman.  The trash cans were left by the unlocked back door, and he just walked in while we were out and prowled around.

That was a bit of an education. 

They caught him and most of the stuff was returned to us, but a good lesson.

LESSON LEARNED:

Damnit wife1, lock the doors.
You got to go... Next.    :rofl:
Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.

Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

wirecounter

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #156 on: April 13, 2012, 06:15:07 PM »
The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women 

1.Fine - I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.   


2.That's Okay - One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake.   


3.Nothing - The calm before the storm. This means "Something" and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (See #1).


4.Five Minutes - If getting dressed, this means half an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It's the same definition for you when it's your turn to do some chores around the house.)


5. Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, "You're welcome," and let it go. 


6. Loud Sigh - Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about "Nothing." (See #3)   


7.Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. (Don't Do It!)   


8.Don't worry about it, I got it - The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, see #3.)

230RN

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Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #157 on: April 13, 2012, 08:52:18 PM »
Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from Detroit showed up.
   
Never having seen anyone from Detroit at heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God.
 
After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group.
 
A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said,
'They're gone!'
   
'What? All of the Detroiters are gone?' asked God.

'No!' replied Saint Peter.  'The Pearly Gates!'
I do believe that the radical and crazy notion that the Founders meant what they said, is gradually soaking through the judicial system.

Kingkeoni

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #158 on: April 13, 2012, 09:37:41 PM »
Mano, a Portagee, went to the beach.

As he is starting to go in the water, he sees three huge lobsters sitting in the shallow water.

He knows it's not lobster season but they're so big, he just has to have them.

He looks around and doesn't see anyone, so he grabs them and goes back to his truck to put them in his cooler.

As soon as he gets them in the cooler, a police officer comes up behind him and asks " What you got there?"

"Nothing, officer" replies Mano.

The police officer says, "Then open the cooler"

Mano reluctantly opens the cooler and the Police officer sees the three huge lobsters.

He tells Mano, "You know it's not lobster season, it's a $10,000  fine and three months in jail for each lobster"

Mano thinks quickly and says, "Officer, these are my pet lobsters, I raise them at home and bring them swimming once a week. They swim for exactly one hour and when I whistle they come back to me."

The officer doesn't believe him.

He says, "Come on, you expect me to believe that?"

Mano says watch... He then takes the three lobsters into the water and let's them go.

An hour goes by and the officer says, "O.K., whistle for them to come back."

Mano says, "Whistle for who to come back?"

The officer says, "Your lobsters"

Mano says, "What lobsters, you crazy or what?"
Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.

Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

Travboi

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #159 on: April 16, 2012, 11:29:24 AM »
Three guys got stranded in a desert.
A white guy, filipino, and podagee
As they are walking they stumble across a genie lamp
The rub it and a genie pops out
He tells them that he is lazy and they only get 1 wish each
The white man goes first.. He tells the genie he would like water so he wont go thirsty amd die
The filipino goes second and asks for food so they wont starve to death
Finally the podagee goes. He look at the genie and asks for a car door.
The genie asks what do you want a car door for?
The podagee replys "so if it gets hot i can roll down the window"