Call Obama.....maybe

What's the difference between Simba and Obama?


One's an an African lion and one's a lyin African

Call Obama.....maybe

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

a friend sent this to me...

i guess a .22 is a good thing to have 

[attachment deleted by admin]

Stolen from another board:

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south,
so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons.

"Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."

2 iphones walk into a bar.....i forget the rest



(stolen from an ATT tv commercial)

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2AM and is asked where he is going this time of night.

The man says, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife."

<rim shot>

Terry, 230RN

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2AM and is asked where he is going this time of night.

The man says, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife."

<rim shot>

Terry, 230RN

Hahahahaha,   

    4 year old's first job.......

     

     

    A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

    Eventually the construction crew, all of them"gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

    At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

    When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

    "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller,"and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

    The little girl replied,

    "I will, if those assholes at the lumber yard ever deliver the fuckin' drywall..."

Here's a good read!

Pocket Taser Gun, A
Great Gift For The Wife?
 
 
This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.   Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!   Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.   Awesome!!!   Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.   Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right?   
 
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?   So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another.
 
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.   All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"   What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....   I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
 
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!% !@*!!!   I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"   Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.   SON-OF-A- ... that hurt like hell!!!
 
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantle of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novacaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.   Still in shock...
 

^

I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

I ain't lookin' for nobody's testicles nohow.

But if I accidentally happen to find just one, does the reward offer still stand?

They are probably up in his throat.

I was cleaning up the root of my C:\ drive, where all kinds of stuff gets parked "temporarily," and I found this.  I don't know where I originally got it from:

DIXAFIX.TXT

All  drugs have two names, a trade name and generic  name..

Example,  the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is  Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called  Naproxen.  Amoxil  is also calle Amoxicillin and Advil is also called  Ibuprofen.     

The  FDA has been looking for a generic name for  Viagra.   After  careful consideration by a team of government  experts, it recently announced that it has settled  on the generic name of  Mycoxaflopin.   Also  considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin,  Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and Ibepokin.     

Pfizer  Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be  available in liquid form and will be marketed by  Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a  mixer.   It  will now be possible for a man to literally pour  himself a stiff  one.
 
Obviously  we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it  gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails',  'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff  drink'.   Pepsi  will market the new beverage by the name of MOUNT & DO.

Ah.  OK.  Now that it's been recorded here for posterity, I can delete it from my C:\ drive.

Whew!

Terry, 230RN

^^hilarious!^^^

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.
Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh.yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied. 'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.' 'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked. 'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said. 'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?' 'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!' So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?' 'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly. 'No Kidding,' he said. ' Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies? )))))))))

...damn.

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.
Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh.yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied. 'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.' 'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked. 'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said. 'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?' 'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!' So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?' 'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly. 'No Kidding,' he said. ' Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies? )))))))))

Hahaha 

Bartender does a double-take as this guy walks in.  He's about six-foot-five and well-proportioned except he has a very noticably small head.

After he serves the guy a couple of drinks, he says, "Sorry, buddy, but I couldn't help noticing, that you have a very small head on your shoulders for such a big guy..."

"Oh, yeah," the guy says.  "It happened this way.  I was walking along the beach and I see this bottle washed up on the sand. So I pull out the cork and this gorgeous Genie comes out wrapped in a veil of smoke, you know, like Genies are.

"So she says, 'Master, you have released me from 1000 years of imprisonment in that bottle and as a reward, I will grant you one wish.'

"Well, this Genie is really beautiful, and I was getting pretty hornified and bonerized just looking at her, so I says, 'How about we have sex?'

"So she says, 'Master, I would love to grant you that wish, but as you can see, I'm nothing but smoke from the waist down....'

"So I says, 'Okay, in that case, how about just a little head?'"

<rim shot>

I'm not signing this one so nobody will know who posted it.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

This isn't a joke, but it's an interesting / funny read:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gag_names