Pilot / airplane / flying / not flying jokes I picked up from one of "those" e-mails... you know, one where there are a hundred recipients besides little ole you...
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'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I
Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-
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'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
- SR71 test pilot
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'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
- Unknown Author-
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'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
- Fixed Wing Pilot-
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'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you still have
enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
-Multi-Engine Training Manual-
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'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.'
-Unknown Author-
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'If you hear me yell "Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echos.'
If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by
then you'll be the pilot.'
-Pre-flight Briefing from an F104 Pilot-
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'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but if ATC screws up.... the
pilot dies.'
-Sign over Control Tower Door-
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'Never trade luck for skill.'
-Author Unknown-
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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military
aviation are: 'Did you feel that?' , 'What's that noise?' and 'Oh *expletive deleted*!'
-Authors Unknown-,
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'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
-Basic Flight Training Manual-
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'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to
a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything
about it.'
- Emergency Checklist-
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'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just
barely kill you.'
- Unknown author
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'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
-Sign over Squadron Ops Desk
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The three most useless things in aviation is the altitude above you,
the runway behind you and the fuel you left behind! -Unknown
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'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full
power to taxi to the terminal.' - Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -
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"Only fly in the middle of the air, never at the edges."
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I heard one once that was purported to be from a maintenance inspection.
The "deficiancy" was "Right engine almost doesn't work"
The "corrective action" was "Almost fixed right engine."
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Problem: "There is a noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget banging on something with a hammer."
Correction: "Took hammer away from midget."
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P – Number 3 engine missing.
S – Number 3 engine found on right wing, after a very brief search.
P – Aircraft handled funny.
S – Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P – Left inside main tire almost needs replaced.
S – Left inside main tire almost replaced.
P – Test flight went great, however auto-landing was very rough.
S – Auto-landing not installed on this aircraft.
P – Something loose in the cockpit.
S – Something tightened in the cockpit.
P – Dead bugs on windshield
S – Live bugs are still on back order.
P – Auto-pilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 feet per second descent.
S – Can’t reproduce that particular problem on the ground.
P – Evidence of a leak on right main landing gear.
S – Evidence removed.
P – Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S – That means it’s working.
P – IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S – I think most things are inoperative in the OFF mode.
P – I suspect a cracked windshield.
S – I suspect you’re right.
P – Mouse in cockpit.
S – Installed cat in cockpit.
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One thing for certain about flying, one way or another you are evenutally going to come back down to earth. I've never heard of an aircraft getting stuck in the sky.
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As a friend of mine says, there are a lot more airplanes in the ocean that there are submarines in the sky!
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The two most useless things in the world are sky above you and runway behind you.
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Any landing you walk away from is a good landing, a great one and you can use the plane again.
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If you must crash, hit the softest, cheapest thing you can as slow as possible.
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In learning to fly you start off with a full bag of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Flashwing 329.
Flashwing 329: ” Frankfurt , Flashwing 329 clear of active runway.”
Ground: “Flashwing 329. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Flashwing 329, do you not know where you are going?”
Flashwing 329: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Flashwing 329, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”
Flashwing 329 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, — and I didn’t land.
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Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
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You will have heard the old joke about the old fighter pilot telling a high school class about dogfighting with German fighters in WWII. The pilot went on and on about fighting the Fokkers when the teacher interrupted and told the class that the Fokker was a model of German fighter. The pilot said, "Yes, but these fokkers were Messerschmidts.."
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I was told this story by an air traffic controller from his time at a joint military/civilian airport. An F-4 (USAAF fighter jet) pilot requested clearance to take off, but due to the amount of civilian traffic the ATC told him he'd have to hold. After a repeated impatient request by the F-4 to take-off the ATC suggested that if the pilot could reach 14,000ft within half the runway length he could take off; otherwise he would have to hold. To the ATC's surprise the F-4 pilot acknowledged the tower and began to roll. At the halfway mark the F-4 went vertically up until he reached 14,000ft, then levelled off. The ATC had no option than to hand the pilot over to departures and wish him a nice day, since he'd met the conditions laid down. The ATC said it was the darndest thing he ever saw.
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Due to take off from JFK New York one morning in our Qantas 707 we were about eighth of fifteen aircraft in line. From one of the aircraft, presumably experiencing a slight problem, a voice over the radio said, "*shit*!"
JFK Air Traffic Control (angrily demanding to know): "Who said *shit*?"
First aircraft in the line (gave callsign): "I did not say *shit*."
Quickly followed by the second in line (gave callsign): "I did not say *shit*."
Then the third, and then all of us, one by one, giving the same "I did not say *shit*" reply.
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The late Captain Mickey (deleted) – an all-round fine fellow, highly experienced pilot and, at the time, Sergeant in the UK Parachute display team) - was piloting a Britten Norman Islander to jumping altitude with a full load of hairy-arsed paras crammed into the rear of the aircraft. With no warning at all, a bang and a flash of flame, the port engine blew itself to pieces. Mickey's hands flashed around the cockpit as he brought the aircraft under control. As soon as the aircraft was straight and level he turned to his passengers and said: "Phew. I think you chaps should…" But his words tailed away as he gaped at the empty passenger cabin. At the first sign of trouble, the paras had leaped from the aircraft and were at that moment floating serenely towards the earth. Mickey landed safely to tell the tale.
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Lufhansa Pilot to co-pilot, forgetting that the frequency was open: "We used to come up the Thames, and turn over here for the docks...."
Voice on frequency: "ACHTUNG SPITFEUR"
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The second was at a commercial airport in Texas. The controller was trying to deliver a clearance that was mostly "cleared as filed" but with one change at the departure and arrival airport. After two incorrect readbacks, the frustrated controller blurted out "Okay, that's enough tries for you. Let me talk to Beavis."
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One very stormy morning in Boston, many planes were lined up on taxiways waiting for departure. A female pilot made a successful landing on a crossing runway after visibly wrestling her Flying Tiger stretched DC-8 through turbulence and blustery snow squalls, fighting it right down to the runway. An anonymous voice: "But can you park it?"
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