From one of those e-mails with five forwardings and a thousand recipients....

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel ,
"Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead
you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said,
"Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this
is the Promised Land."

Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the
price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the
economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement
funds, etc .... I called a Suicide Hotline.

I had to press 1 for English.

I was connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Folks, we're screwed.

Hehehe. That one's awesome, Terry!

hahah  Terry!  good one! 

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. 
 
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
 
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
 
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
 
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
 
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
 
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
 
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
 
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
 
"1955, ma'am."
 
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
 
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
 
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
 
(Gotta love military time)   

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
 
(Gotta love military time)

Oldie but goodie!

Oldie but goodie!

Inspector or the joke? 

Good one!

I heard, read, saw, picked up somewhere that the miiitary does not use 00:00:00 hours in order to eliminate confusion as to what day it is:  00:00:00 hours on, say February 16th or February 17th?

Is that true?  Or is there another way to differentiate the calendar day?

Iggerint but blisful.

Terry, 230RN

KingKeoni trying to buy a Springfield XD .45 for $350 and the buyer backed out. 

KingKeoni trying to buy a Springfield XD .45 for $350 and the buyer backed out.

 

Pulled this of a pilot forum joke thread...




Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks dog.

California :

#1. Governor starts to intervene, reflects upon the movie "Bambi"
and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.

#2. He calls animal control. Animal control captures coyote and spends $200 testing it for diseases and $500 upon relocating it.

#3. He calls veterinarian. Vet collects dead dog and spends $200 testing it for diseases.

#4. Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting bite wound bandaged.

#5. Running trail gets shut down for 6 months while wildlife services conduct a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is clear of dangerous animals.

#6. Governor spends $50,000 of state funds implementing a "coyote awareness" program for residents of the area.

#7. State legislature spends $2 million investigating how to better handle rabies and how to possibly eradicate the disease.

#8. Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack and for letting the Governor intervene.

#9. Cost: $75,000 to train new security agent.

#10. PETA protests the coyote relocation and files suit against the state.

Texas :

#1. Governor shoots coyote and keeps jogging. Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge. Buzzards eat dead coyote.


Any wonder why California is broke?

^
Small edit:

#1. Governor shoots coyote, picks up empty case for reloading, and keeps jogging. Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge. Buzzards eat dead coyote.

Investment Opportunity!!!

 

Thought you might want to consider getting on board early....


A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well.

He says prophets are going through the roof.

 Rim shot!!!!!!!!!

Investment Opportunity!!!

 

 

Good one Inspector!

I was at the store yesterday, and I ran into Tarzan.  I asked him how it was going, and if he was making anymore movies.   

 
He told me, "me no longer make movies,
me have severe arthritis,
both shoulders and not swing from
vine to tree".   
   
     

 

                                         I asked how Jane was doing? 
   
He told me,"Jane in bad shape, in nursing home,
has Al zheimer's and not recognizes anyone". How sad!

 

I asked about Boy, and he told me "Boy,
gone big city,
get with bad women, on drugs and alcoholic;
and only time hear from him, when in trouble or need something".

 


 
I asked about Cheeta: he beamed and said,
"Cheeta do good. She marry lawyer, had
plastic surgery,
now live in White House!!!

 

 
 
 
 
 
 


 I know, something bad
is going to happen to me for this !!!
 
 
 

 
 


 
 

UNKILLED HAMBURGER MEAT

UNKILLED HAMBURGER MEAT

First time I saw that, I laughed at her ignorance...then cried after realizing how widespread her ignorance was.

First time I saw that, I laughed at her ignorance...then cried after realizing how widespread her ignorance was.

The ad was reportedly taken out in San Francisco. Nancy Pelosi's District. I can't verify this though.

Reminds me of the old jokes about cattle guards.  A while ago a  State Senator from Texas supposedly told this variation:

I worked on a ranch during my high school days and some guy with Connecticut plates drove up and asked how to get to the next ranch.  So I told him, go south five miles, turn right by all the mailboxes, and then left after you pass a cattle guard.  He thanks me and asks, "What color uniform will the guard be wearing?"

This joke has a number of variations, one of which was about some reared-back-East President who was so upset by Western ranchers' objections to his farm policies that he ordered all the cattle guards out West fired, but only after they had been re-trained for other jobs.

Here, for those of us who are urbanites, is an example of a cattle guard:





Terry, 230RN

Who gives a crap about what he cattle guard wear or whether the need re-training? I want to know what type of firearm they carry!?!?!