At my last garage sale, a buyer asked why i was selling my Kirby vacuum.

Told him it was just collecting dust.

I'm almost done writing a new song about tortillas.

It's a wrap song.

 

West Virginia is proposing a bill to raise the age to buy and possess alcohol to 26.

They hope this will put a dent in high school drinking.

    

A ventriloquist was driving through Oklahoma on his way to a gig in California when his car died.

He stopped at a farmhouse and called for a tow truck.  While he waited, he went outside to see what the farmer was up to.

He asked the farmer, "Ever talk to your dog?"

The farmer said, "What?  My dog can't talk back. Why would I do that?"

So the comedian asks the dog, "How's he treating you?"

The dog replies via the ventriloquist, "Great! Good scraps, lots of open space to run, warm bed in the barn. Wonderful life!"

The farmer was in shock.  He couldn't figure out what just happened.

Then the guy walks over to the horse corral and asked a horse the same thing.

"Nice! Good oats, rides into town, no spurs.  Love it!"

The farmer still can't figure out what's happening.

Then, as soon as the farmer noticed his guest was walking toward the livestock pen, the farmer yells out, "I think I oughta tell ya, the sheep lie!"

I want to tell you a time traveling joke,

but you didn't get it.

My girlfriend told me there are 2 things about me that annoy her:  I don't listen to her, and ... something else.

This old farmer had a large pond at the back of his main property.  He cleaned up around it, put a couple of picnic tables and trash barrels next to it, and even ran a water line so swimmers could hose off afterward.  All of this so the local kids would have a place to get away from the summer heat.

One hot day, he took his grass trimmer and pruning shears to do some light sprucing up around the pond.  He also carried a 5 gallon bucket in case some of the fruit growing nearby was ripe enough to pick.

As he neared the pond, he heard several female voices laughing and having a good time.  As he drew nearer, it was obvious the young ladies were skinny dipping.

When the girls spotted him, they all swam to the far side of the pond.  The farmer waved to the girls and commenced his chores. 

One of the ladies yelled, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

To which the farmer replied, "I'm not here to watch you swim and run around naked.  I just came down here to feed the alligators!"

 

I told my suitcases "No vacation this year."


Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.

Running feels great!


Unless you compare it to not running.

 

Ever notice that dog hair sticks to absolutely everything ....


except the dog?!

A word of advice:

If you're being chased by a mob of taxidermists,

don't play dead!

Is it just me, or do "exercise" and "extra fries" sound alike?

The inventor of the doorbell must not have owned a dog.

When I go the extra mile, it's usually because i missed my exit.

I know a guy who owns a Delorean, but he only drives it from time to time.

When bees move to a new hive, do they have a house swarming party?

I remember when putting on my shoes and socks wasn't considered cardio ....   

My daughter looked at me all frustrated and asked, "How do you fold these fitted sheets?"

I said, "Pretend you're fighting off a boa constrictor."

 

Nachos are tacos that couldn't get it together.