I owe my laundry machines an apology.  I blamed them for causing my clothes to shrink.


It turns out it was the fridge all along.

I went to KFC week, and outside the restaurant was a group from PETA demonstrating.  Some woman screamed at me as I walked through the line of picketers, "Did you know chickens have families, too -- just like people?!!"

i wound up ordering a family bucket, just to keep everyone together.

#NoChickenLeftBehind

 

Now if they can come up with a virtual BJ version I’ll buy it!

To the guy who stole my Selfie Stick ...

I hope you take a good, long look at yourself.

 

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I stole her wheelchair.


Guess who came crawling back?

   

Now if they can come up with a virtual BJ version I’ll buy it!

=====================
Just go to Suzies in Waipahu. I'm sure they have something you'll like.

I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players.

The servers are currently down.

 

I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players.

The servers are currently down.

 

....
Where is the "groan" emoji when you need it?

People are making jokes about the apocalypse like there's no tomorrow...

 

A dinner guest asked me for my bread recipe.

I said it's strictly knead-to-know.

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I want a 12-year-old scotch, and don’t try to fool me because I can tell the difference.”

The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with a 5-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip, scowIs, and says, “Hey bartender! This crap is 5-year-old scotch.I told you that I wanted a 12-year-old.”

The bartender won’t give up and tries once more, this time with an 8-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces, and says, “Bartender, I do not want 8-year-old scotch like this filth. Give me a 12-year-old scotch or I’ll leave!”

Impressed, the bartender gives him the 12-year-old scotch on the house. The man takes a sip and sighs,

“Ah, now that’s the real thing.”

A disgusting, ugly, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, “Hey, I think that’s really far out what you can do. Try this one.”

The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, “Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!”

The drunk’s eyes light up and he says, “So how old am l?”

 

They say I'm addicted to brake fluid.
 
I can stop anytime I want. 

I used to be addicted to Tide Pods.

I'm clean now.

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now," said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact," said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old Devil," said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"
 

Anyone besides me ever wonder if calling a celibate priest "Father" was someone's idea of a sick joke?

At least "Nun" sounds like what it is -- or isn't.

 

 

I just read an article about myths and superstitions warning you should never buy a watch for your spouse or other close relative.  That specific gift somehow causes or predicts an imminent break-up or estranged relationship.

Thinking back, I did buy my ex-wife a Rolex for Christmas.  We were divorced less than 2 years later.

If only I had known beforehand, I could have bought her a watch much sooner!

... and a less expensive one, too!

 

Dreaming the ocean is made of orange soda is just a Fanta sea.

I didn't believe my chiropractor when he prescribed orthopedic shoes for my back problems.

I stand corrected.

What did 50 cent do when he was hungry?

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