So, bright and early one morning, the 6th grade teacher, Ms. Parks, came into class and started by asking for volunteers to answer questions from their biology assignments.

Her first question was, "What part of the body can increase in size 10 times when stimulated?"

Immediately, little Mary gasped and replied, "I can't believe you asked that!"  Ms. Parks asked why not, and Mary said, "I'm going to tell my parents, and they are going call the principal and have you fired!"

Ms. Parks ignored that statement and continued her quiz repeating the question, but no hands were raised.  Mary once again protested, saying that question has no place in a 6th grade class.

The third time the question was repeated, Billy nervously raised his hand.  When called on by the teacher, he said questioningly, "The pupil of the eye?"

Ms. Parks smiled and said, "Correct, Billy.  Very good!  And as for you, Mary, I have only three things I want you to remember:

1.  You have a dirty mind,

2.  You didn't read your homework, and

3.  One day you're going to be very, VERY disappointed."

    

 

If I was Billy I'd ask if Mary would like to be my girlfriend.

If I was Billy I'd ask if Mary would like to be my girlfriend.

So you can start her on her journey of being disappointed? 

 

Three women died together in a car accident and appeared at the Pearly Gates together.

Before entering they were warned:  We have but one cardinal rule -- don't step on any of the ducks.

Upon entering Heaven, the three gasped at the sheer number of ducks there.  They were everywhere!

At the end of the first day, one of the women accidentally stepped on a duck.  God came to her and said, "As punishment, you are to be chained for all eternity to this, the most hideously ugly man in all the heavens."

The very next day, another of the three women stepped on a duck, too.  God found the ugliest man, and again chained him to the woman as her eternal punishment.

A week goes  by, and the last of the three managed to avoid the ducks.  God called her over and chained her to one of best looking men she's ever seen in her life and again said this would be for eternity

Perplexed, she asked the man, "Do you think this is a reward for following the rules?"

The man replied, "I have no idea.  All i did was step on a duck."

 

Dracula finally decided after all these centuries to get a full make-over.

He's been totally revamped!


Happy Halloween!!

Reason why witches can’t get pregnant is cuz warlocks have hollow wieners!

 

 

Reason why witches can’t get pregnant is cuz warlocks have hollow wieners!

 

... and crystal balls.

... and crystal balls.

Thought that was fortune tellers…..

Thought that was fortune tellers…..

I have proof -- with one of the most famous wizards ever...

If ever a Wiz there was
If ever, oh ever, a Wiz there was




And then there are these Wizards in training:

NASA announced this week they will be putting a new rocket in deep space to broadcast a message to all extraterrestrials.  The message will include how much we regret all that space debris and other junk we've polluted the galaxy with.

The rocket will be called Apollo G.

 

 

Just passing this along from a friend....
==============
Rules of Life

There are three things that cannot be easily hidden: The Sun,The Moon and the Truth.


The following are 2 Simple Truths, 5 Rules of Life, and 3 Bonus Rules:

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:

Lovers help each other undress before sex.

After sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2:

When a woman is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congratulations."

But none go up to the man, touch his penis and say, "Good Job."

Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:

1. Money can't buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the asshole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again

4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.

5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.



BONUS RULES:

1. Condoms do not guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

2. I think all politicians should wear uniforms. You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors.

3. Also, all politicians should serve only two terms - one in office and one in prison.

This was a public service announcement. No need to thank me

 

Just passing this along from a friend....
==============
Rules of Life

There are three things that cannot be easily hidden: The Sun,The Moon and the Truth.


The following are 2 Simple Truths, 5 Rules of Life, and 3 Bonus Rules:

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:

Lovers help each other undress before sex.

After sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2:

When a woman is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congratulations."

But none go up to the man, touch his penis and say, "Good Job."

Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:

1. Money can't buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the asshole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again

4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.

5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.



BONUS RULES:

1. Condoms do not guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

2. I think all politicians should wear uniforms. You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors.

3. Also, all politicians should serve only two terms - one in office and one in prison.

This was a public service announcement. No need to thank me

 
 

For some time now, i've been convinced that Jeremiah was not literally "a Bullfrog," but was actually a Frenchman.

Evidence?

1.  Jeremiah ... Was a good friend of mine.

It's obvious that being friends with a Bullfrog would be impossible, as he is a cold-blooded creature.  By nature, he would be incapable of returning any feelings of warmth and friendship.

2.  I never understood a single word he said

The singer doesn't speak French.

3.  But I helped him drink his wine, and he always had some mighty fine wine.

The French are among the worlds best winemakers, producing some of the best wines for centuries.  Also, the French are famous for their love of wines, having wine with almost every meal.  Not surprising that Jeremiah would always have a bottle of fine wine.  It's unlikely that a real Bullfrog would have the means or ability to possess any wine to share much less "mighty fine wine" that we have to assume cost more than some cheap variety.

4.  "Frog" is American slang for "Frenchman."

I rest my case.

 

My doctor said the best way to not have kids was a vasectomy.

I think I might have a malpractice claim.  When I got home after the procedure, the kids were still there!

What's the up-side of a hooker dying on you?

The next hour is FREE!!

 

A woman goes to her doctor for an annual exam, and while there she tells the doctor she's worried about her husband's temper.  "He seems to lose his temper at least once a day for no reason.  It scares me, and I'm worried about the stress it's causing us both."

The doctor says he might have a cure for that.  He tells her, "Whenever you see your husband losing his temper, get a mouthful of water and "swish' it in your mouth.  Don't swallow it until he calms down or leaves the room.  Just keep swishing it.  Swish, swish, swish!!  Once he calms down, swallow the water completely."

Two weeks later, the woman, looking refreshed and relaxed, stops by the office to tell the doctor that his cure worked!  "Doctor, i can't believe it!  Every time he started to lose his temper, i started swishing water, and he'd calm down in a minute or less.  How did a glass of plain water do that?"

The doctor told her, "Oh, the water itself does absolutely nothing.  It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."

 

The doctor told her, "Oh, the water itself does absolutely nothing.  It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."

 
I laughed, then the thought of sending this to my wife....cold chill.  Good hing I said it on the inside.