I asked the librarian, "Do you have any books on Paranoia?"

She put her finger to her lips and whispered, "Shhhhhhh!  They're right behind you."

 

Apparently Disney hasn't learned their lesson about going woke.

They're making a new movie about a gender-fluid whale.

They're calling it Maybe Dick.

 

I hate to brag, but in college, my penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Of course, that was until the librarian made me take it out!

 

 

Dad joke alert!!


Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?

It was so popular that he was awarded the No Bell Prize.

 

Imagine a female pirate got a replacement boob.
That'd suck, wooden tit?

How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A frog says, "Ribbit, ribbit," and a horny toad says, "Rub it, rub it."
 

jokes so bad it hurts to laugh

i was driving home once and passed a sign that read;

Psychic Convention Today


That was all it said,  I guess that's one way to screen out the fakes!!

 

I attended a lecture on telekinesis in college once.

The speaker walked on stage and began with, "Anyone here with telekinesis, raise my hand..."

 

i've read there's no proven link between Rap music and violent behavior.

That being said, if my neighbor doesn't turn that crap down, Ima pop a cap in dat ass!!

 

Don't red flag me, bro!

I'll never get asked to lead Christmas carols at the mental hospital again. Singing "Do you hear what I hear"
probably wasn't my best idea.

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So, one year, i'd completely run out of new ideas on what to get my wife for Christmas, so I figured why not ask her what she'd like?

When she came home from work a few weeks out from the holiday, I asked her, "Now, don't worry about cost, because this is a gift.  If you could have anything for Christmas, what would it be?"

She smiled the biggest smile -- like a kid sitting on a mall Santa's lap and reading off her list -- and she told me, "Something nice with lots of diamonds!!"

I found her the nicest, most expensive deck of cards Amazon had to offer. 

That's probably the quietest Christmas Eve I can remember!

 

After not seeing each other for 30 years since graduation, four friends decided to get together and catch up.

They met at the nicest restaurant in town, and while one excused himself to visit the restroom, the topic of children came up.

One of them beamed with pride and said, "My son studied economics and became a banker.  After rising to the top management, he became so rich, he bought his best friend a Ferrari."

The second chimed in, "My son became a pilot and started his own airline.  He became so rich, he bought his best friend a jet."

Friend #3 said his son studied engineering.  "He became so rich, he built his best friend a castle!"

Friend #4 then came back from the toilet and asked what all the talk was about.  They told him they were just talking about how successful their sons are.  Friend #3 asked #4, "How is your son doing?"

#4 replied, "My son is gay and works as a stripper at a gay bar."

The other three lost the smiles they were wearing and said how he must be so disappointed with his son.

"Oh, no!  Not at all!," said their friend.  "In fact, last week was his birthday, and he wanted to show off the gifts his boyfriends gave him.  He picked me up in his Ferrari and flew me in his private jet to his castle!"

A reporter was interviewing a couple on their 25th anniversary.  He of course asked to what they credit their long and happy marriage.

He found it hard to believe when the couple claimed they had never had a disagreement since their honeymoon.  For 25 years, they never once argued.

The husband then explained:

On the first day of our honeymoon trip, we went horseback riding.  My horse was quite obedient and well behaved, but the one my wife was riding seemed to spook easily at the slightest thing.

About 20 minutes into the ride, my wife's horse was startled by something and threw her to the ground.  Without appearing upset, she got up, brushed herself off, looked the horse in the eye and said quietly, "That's one."

About 15 minutes later, a small animal scurried across the trail in front of my wife.  Her horse once again overreacted, and my wife found herself on the ground yet again.  She calmly told the horse, "That's two."

Not long after that, she was thrown again, this time because a nearby farm truck backfired.  Without a word, she retrieved a small revolver from her backpack and shot the horse dead on the spot!

I was in shock!  I yelled, "What the f***k! Are you crazy?  You can't just shoot an animal like that for misbehaving, especially when it's someone else's!  You've lost your damn mind!!"

She looked me in the eye and said quietly, "That's one."

In olde England, there once was a king who married the most beautiful girl in the kingdom.  She was breathtakingly beautiful -- so much so that many young men were taken with her, especially William Thatcher.

William was obsessed with her, but he was overly obsessed with the queen's bosom.  Her breasts haunted his dreams, as they were among the largest and most perfect he'd ever encountered.

William confided his attraction to his friend, Francis, who was an advisor to the king.  Francis told William that for the sum of 1,000 gold coins, he could not only introduce him to the queen, but he'd fix it so William could touch, kiss and fondle the queens ample "treasure chest"! 

William agreed, so Francis began working out his plan.

Years earlier, Francis had discovered a substance that worked as a terrible type of itching powder when applied to human skin.  After some time, he'd also developed an antidote for it.

Francis' plan: slip the itching powder into one of the queen's bodices.  Once the queen's bosom began to itch, Francis would then mention to the king that his friend, William, is the only person known who can stop the itching -- by using his saliva.  William's saliva, he would explain, had special properties that for some miraculous reason could calm the itching

Trusting his advisor, the king ordered Francis to bring William at once.  He did, but not before putting the antidote in William's mouth under his tongue.

Needless to say, after some fondling, kissing and sucking, the antidote did its job, and the queen itched no more.

Francis found William the next day and asked for his payment.  William, who never intended to pay in the first place, told him, "I don't have the money and if I did, i wouldn't pay.  You surely can't make accusations of being cheated -- not without divulging you planned the whole charade.  So, don't bother me about it anymore."

That night, Francis mixed up a new batch of powder and sprinkled it generously in the King's underwear....

 

To the jerk on TheBus yesterday wearing camo and using crutches -- I know you lifted my wallet.

Remember:  You can hide, but you can't run!

 

In what month do women talk the least?
.
.
.
.
February

 

In what month do women talk the least?
.
.
.
.
February

 

...
 

I took my truck to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise. He removed the Taylor Swift CD and now it's fine.

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