I've heard some men say they don't wear their wedding band because it restricts their circulation.

Isn't that what it's for?  You're supposed to be out of circulation!

 

I once saw a shepherd herd a small flock through the middle of my small town.

The town's sheriff issued him a traffic citation:  improper ewe turn.

 

My high school biology teacher got fired.

The school found a skeleton in his closet.

 

No matter how much time and money I spent child-proofing my home, they kept getting back in.

    

Gummy Bear:  a bear with no teeth.

 

My mother found a great way to stay young.

She lied about her age!

 

 

Spiders, snakes and other creep crawlies are all part of our eek-oh system.

 

A man was painting the church but he did not have enough paint, so he used paint thinner to make it go farther.

As he finished, it started to rain and all the paint washed off because he used so much.

Suddenly the church was struck by lightning and he heard a voice from heaven saying, "Repaint and thin no more."

Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk

My grandfather was talking to his doctor after some tests.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news," the doctor began.  "Your AIDS test came back positive."

Grandpa was obviously shocked and asked, "Was there anything else?"

The doctor replied, "Yes.  You're in the later stages of Alzheimer's and dementia."

Grandpa looked relieved and said, "Well, at least i don't have AIDS!"

 

At dinner tonight my daughter asked, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?"

I said, "Really, we're not going to talk about this right now."

So, after dinner I said, "Now what did you want to ask me?"

She said, "Oh nothing, there was a bug in your soup, but now it's gone.

Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk

Today, my wife took me to my doctor's appointment. He told my wife, "Your husband must have absolute rest and quiet. Here are some sleeping pills."
She said, "Okay, when do I give them to him?"
He said, "They are for you ma'am."

And all the ladies said.....

Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk

Son:  My dad finally used my pronouns (and I identify as a fox).


 

https://youtube.com/shorts/B00NCLY21qU

My daughter asked her mom, "How did humans come to exist?"
She replied, "Well, God, created Adam and Eve....

"But dad said we came from apes."

"Oh honey, he was talking about his family, I am telling you about mine."

Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk

My daughter just said to me,
“mom, your surgeon told me that you need to accessorize and buy nice shoes.”

I responded by telling her,
“I am pretty sure she said to exercise and eat the right foods!”

Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk

Two cowboys rode up on a drunk Indian who was lying on his belly with his ear to the ground.

The older cowboy turned to the younger one and said, "You see that? Just by putting his ear to the ground he can hear what's coming from miles off."

The Indian lifted his head and said, "A full wagon, drawn by a single horse, two passengers and a dog."

The Indian put his head back down and continued, "Heading east, about 3 miles away."

The young cowboy exclaimed, "That's amazing!"

The Indian replied, "Yep. They ran me over about a half hour ago."

Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk

Bobbi Ann is accused of beating her husband, Cooter half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

Bobbi Ann replies, "no, sir, tha first wuz a Martin, thenna Gibson, then a Fender."

Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk

A man invited his blonde girlfriend to watch a football game with him at the local club.

They had great seats, right up front at the bar.

After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "Especially all the colorful uniforms and all the big muscles, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other over .25¢ cents?"

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!'

I'm like hello, it's only 25 cents!”

Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk

Biden is my favorite president to hear speak.

Why?  Because I like riddles.

 

https://youtube.com/shorts/2fCJ3UoFZMg