A democrat walked into a bar and asked, "What's the most popular drink?"
The bartender replied, "A Stormy Daniels." The democrat ordered one, bartender gave him an empty glass.

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Two mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," replied the second detective.

"A golf gun? What the heck is a golf gun?"

I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan.”

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Christopher Walken has a very particular shoe size which makes it difficult to find a comfortable pair that fits him.  That's why he only buys his shoes custom made.

One of his shoe makers had just finished a new pair of boots for him.  Another customer saw them and said, "Nice!  How much for these boots?"

The shoe maker replied, "Sorry.  These boots are made for Walken."

 

That's okay.  I'm sure the song will be stuck in your head for awhile!   

Clinton, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on.

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Clinton and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Clinton said, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Clinton placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a Peter Pan off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Clinton, saying, "Fair's fair, here's your money."

Clinton replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

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An old veteran was looking through his bag for his passport. The woman on passport control asked him, “Have you visited France before?”

“Yes,” replied the old man.

Sarcastically she responded, “Well surely you should know to have your passport ready,” to which he answered, “I didn't have to show it last time.”

“Impossible!!” she barked.

The old man looked her straight in the eye and said, "Last time, when I landed on D-Day in 1944, I couldn't find a dadgum Frenchman to give it to.”

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Pride month has been moved to August, because pride comes before the fall.

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I asked my Grandpa, "After 70 years of marriage, you still call Grandma, darling, beautiful and honey. What's the secret?"
He said, "Well, I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her.

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Gun control.

A wolf attacks a sheep.

The sheep died.

Other sheep observe the killing and notice that teeth kill sheep.

The sheep remove their own teeth for their own safety.

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file:///var/mobile/Library/SMS/Attachments/1f/15/8363912F-3FFE-40C2-91F1-7E9C07BBE4FA/image000000.jpg

In an effort to level the playing field, Ozzy Osbourne will debate Joe Biden.

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My boss came to me and said he can never find me when he needs me.  i said I do that on purpose.

He asked, "Why would you do that?"

I told him, "I've heard good employees are hard to find."

To whomever stole my selfie stick:

You ought to take a good long look at yourself.

Groan

Q:  What's the difference between a tire and 365 condoms?


A:  One is a GoodYear.

The other is a Great Year!!!

 

Alien walks up to a flower bed and shouts….

Take me to your weeder………. 

Alien walks up to a flower bed and shouts….

Take me to your weeder………. 

.....

Groan

What did the dad buffalo say to his kid when the dropped him off at school?
.
.
.
Bison
 

Have you heard one of those new chocolate records?

I’ve heard they sound really sweet……