First they came for the illegals, but I said nothing because I’m a citizen

Next they came for the violent protestors and things got a lot quieter

Then they came for the criminals and it was great because now we can walk around town at night again.

Really enjoying this, Big thanks to them.

I found a $20 bill in the Foodland parking lot yesterday.  So, I asked myself, "What would Jesus do?"

I took that money directly into Foodland and turned it into wine!

 

Q:  Why do men fart more than women?



A:  Because women don't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up pressure!

 

Make sure to invite a ghost or two to your Halloween party.

They always bring lots of boooo's.

Q:   What does a prostitute say when she rings your doorbell on Halloween night?




A: Trick or trick!!

Q:  Why did the vampire have no friends?



A: He had severe bat breath.

Ok ok ok
Where are things that just ok but nothing special made?
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A “SATISFACTORY” 🫣

Opportunity only knocks once,

but temptation leans on the doorbell.

 

Our Duck is Dead...
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Fluffy, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied Dr. Peterson.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
Dr. Peterson rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever named Shadow. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted Shadow on the head and took him out of the room. A few minutes later, he returned with a cat named Mittens. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. Mittens sat back on her haunches, shook her head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.
Dr. Peterson looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
He turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150."

(From a Facebook post)

Our Duck is Dead...
[snip]
(From a Facebook post)

That's fupp duck!

 

Ok, ok….
Dirty Eddie is in the 4th grade and has already has a bad reputation……
The teacher told the class that they will have to pick a word and say how many syllables it has in front of the class.
Alice raised her hand and said she had a word and it was coffee and said it had two syllables, cof-fee. Very good said her teacher!
Next came Wilson and he said pencil and it has two syllables pen-cil! Excellent said the teacher! Now by this time dirty Eddie has both hands in the air and is frothing at the mouth to get picked….”me, me,me” he screamed, pick me! The teacher knew to be careful with him but had no choice but to give him a chance and finally said “ok Eddie, go ahead….
Eddie yelled MASTURBATE, MASTURBATE, 4 syllables mas-tur-bate! The teacher said wow that’s a mouthful, Eddie! He said nope that’s “BLOWJOB”, two syllables!

🫣😳😁🤣😝

Ok, ok….
Dirty Eddie is in the 4th grade and has already has a bad reputation……
The teacher told the class that they will have to pick a word and say how many syllables it has in front of the class.
Alice raised her hand and said she had a word and it was coffee and said it had two syllables, cof-fee. Very good said her teacher!
Next came Wilson and he said pencil and it has two syllables pen-cil! Excellent said the teacher! Now by this time dirty Eddie has both hands in the air and is frothing at the mouth to get picked….”me, me,me” he screamed, pick me! The teacher knew to be careful with him but had no choice but to give him a chance and finally said “ok Eddie, go ahead….
Eddie yelled MASTURBATE, MASTURBATE, 4 syllables mas-tur-bate! The teacher said wow that’s a mouthful, Eddie! He said nope that’s “BLOWJOB”, two syllables!

🫣😳😁🤣😝

Teacher can't count?  It's 3 syllables!

Teacher can't count?  It's 3 syllables!

Either that or excitement got the better of her.

I was just remembering the last time I asked my boss for a raise.  For the most recent 2 years, I received no salary increases due to "corporate economic factors".  This last time, I was determined to make my case.

So, that morning bright and early, I knocked very loudly on his office door.  After being invited in, I closed the door and began.  Let's call the boss Mr. B.

"Mr. B, I've been a loyal, hardworking employee now for over 10 years.  I understand when the company experiences slow periods that we all have to make sacrifices for the good of everyone in the company.  However, these past 2 years without a raise is really starting to cause problems what with inflation, the kids starting college, and a host of other big expenses.  I feel my work here is more than deserving of a bump in salary, and I'd really like to see it in the upcoming year.  To be honest with you, I have four companies after me at the moment, but I wanted to speak to you first."

Mr. B. tried to give me the same line about "this isn't the right time given the current economy," and I came back with, "But that doesn't seem to explain the huge bonuses we see management getting year after year without exception.  Either I'm just.as much a valued employee, or I'm not."

Mr. B. was silent for a minute, and then asked, "How does a 10% raise starting next pay period sound along with 5 more days of annual vacation?"

I smiled and said, "That sounds great!  I can't wait to tell my wife!"

After a couple of handshakes and pleasnatries, I opened the door to leave, and then Mr. B. aksed, "Just out of curiosity, which four companies are after you?"

I turned, and with a straight face replied, "The mortgage company, the water company, the electric company, and the cable company."