IS THAT ONE WORD OR TWO ?

    An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

    Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

    Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.  They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

    Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

    "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

    "I would like it infrequently," she replied.

    The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - "Is that one word or two?

ROFLMAO 

Thanks Inspector! 

Shut the

TackTikahl, I had to blow that up 200% by 200% to read it, but it was worthwhile!  Laughed aloud.

Oh, God, I couldn't stop laughing...he delivered it well.

NSFW!

The COW AND THE ICE CREAM
 
 
 

The COW AND THE ICE CREAM
ONE OF THE BEST THEORIES OF WHY OBAMA WON THE ELECTION

 

-->From a teacher in the Nashville area - -


"We are worried about 'the cow' when it is all about the 'Ice Cream. 'The most eye-opening civics lesson I ever had was while teaching 3rd grade. The last Presidential election was heating up and some of the children showed an interest. I decided we would have an election for a class president. We would choose our nominees. They would make a campaign speech and the class would vote. To simplify the process, candidates were nominated by other class members. We discussed what kinds of characteristics these students should have. We got many nominations and from those, Jamie and Olivia were picked to run for the top spot.
The class had done a great job in their selections. Both candidates were good kids.

I thought Jamie might have an advantage because he got lots of parental support.

I had never seen Olivia's mother.

The day arrived when they were to make their speeches.

Jamie went first.

He had specific ideas about how to make our class a better place.
He ended by promising to do his very best.

Everyone applauded and he sat down.

Now is was Olivia's turn to speak.

Her speech was concise. She said, "If you will vote for me, I will give you ice cream." She sat down.

The class went wild. "Yes! Yes! We want ice cream."

She surely would say more. She did not have to.

A discussion followed. How did she plan to pay for the ice cream? She wasn't sure. But no one pursued that question. They took her at her word.

Would her parents buy it or would the class pay for it...She didn't know.

The class really didn't care. All they were thinking about was ice cream...

Jamie was forgotten. Olivia won by a landslide.

Every time Barack Obama opened his mouth he offered ice cream and 51.4 % of the people reacted like nine year old's.

They want ice cream.

The other 48.6% percent know they're going to have to feed the cow and clean up the mess."


This is the ice cream Obama promised us!

 

Remember, the government cannot give anything to anyone that they have not first taken away from someone else.
Did you vote for the ice cream?


THAT MY FRIEND, IS HOW OBAMA GOT ELECTED...
BY THOSE WHO WANT EVERYTHING FOR FREE!

^
Too damned close to the truth to be funny. 

Mods, please move that out of the "Jokes? Jokes, anyone..." section.

  :sarcasm:

Terry, 230RN

for real.  It would be funny, if it were not soooo true. 

With the camels fed and settled down, Ahkbar and Amed are sitting around their campfire eating.

All of a sudden Ahkbar spots a fly buzzing around the food.

With one fluid motion, he draws his scimitar and whish! he beheads the fly, which falls to the sand in two pieces.  But Amed seems unimpressed, so Ahkbar slides his scimitar back in the scabbard and says, "Well, what did you think of that swordsmanship?"

"Not bad, but I can do better than that," Amed says.  "Here, hold my ouzi and watch this."  Soon another fly appears and in a swift smooth motion, he draws his scimitar and swings it in the air.

The fly buzzes away and Ahkbar laughs like hell.  "Ha, Amed!  You failed to behead him, as I did."

"Yes," Amed says calmly.  "But now he will never have any children."

Not really a joke, but still funny...

Wife...

Buds....

     SIMPLE TRUTH 1
              Lovers help each other undress before sex.
              However after sex, they always dress on   their own.
              Moral of the story:
              In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

            SIMPLE TRUTH 2
               When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats".
               But, none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".
               Moral of the story:
               Hard work is never appreciated.

            FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
            1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
            2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.
            3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
            4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
            5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

            Bonus:
               Condoms don't guarantee safe sex.
               A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was shot by the woman's husband.

Obama's Inaguration:

hhaaahahaaa!  LOL!   

Wife...

Where can I get one of these for my wife?   

I Got A New Dog

I got a new dog to guard our house. It was a little more than I thought I should pay but I think when word gets out we'll be a relatively crime free neighborhood.

The nice part is he is a year old and already fully trained. For your safety you might want to call the house from the driveway and in the safety of your car!

I Got A New Dog

I got a new dog to guard our house. It was a little more than I thought I should pay but I think when word gets out we'll be a relatively crime free neighborhood.

The nice part is he is a year old and already fully trained. For your safety you might want to call the house from the driveway and in the safety of your car!

D'awwwwwww...I want one now!

This series is awesome

Pwadadoh FWAAAYY

I'm proud to say Yo Mama took a Cosby sweater