Because it was too cold out tide.   

Damnit! I spilled my coffee...You sir, are one dirty MF.

Mallegory

The shepherd and the economist

A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. He tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock."

The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet.

"973," says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right.

So he says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal."

The guy  picks one up and begins to walk away.

"Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation."

 The guy says, "Sure, go ahead and guess.."

"You are an economist for the government's Farm Bureau," says the shepherd.

"Amazing!" responds the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?"

"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."

Josh and Olly are hunters and they are dragging their dead deer back to their truck after a successful expedition. As they go they meet another hunter, who is pulling his deer along too, who shouts to them both, 'Oiga! I don't want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground.'

The third hunter leaves and Josh and Olly decide to try to do exactly what he has suggested.

Some considerable time later Josh says, 'You know, Olly, that man was right. This is an awful lot easier!'

'Yep, Josh, but we're getting farther from the truck,' moans Olly.

Seen this Obama video on another forum...

Seen this Obama video on another forum...

 

Deleted

Death of the Old Cow

Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, the car hits it full on, and the
car comes to a stop.
Nancy , in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur, "You get out
and check--you were driving."
So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but
it was old.


"You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer," says Nancy .


Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a
big grin on his face. "My God, what happened to you?" asks Nancy .


The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle
of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love
to me."


"What on earth did you say?" asks Nancy .

"I just knocked on the door and when it opened I said to them, "I'm Nancy
Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."

the "Public Safety and Second Amendment Protection Act" 

Hahahaha ha

 

Awesome

 

Holy $hit...how did I miss this one.....LMFAO!! 

 

So a single lady goes to the grocery store and buys one quart of non fat milk, one loaf of wheat bread, a head of lettuce and a single yogurt.

She gets in the line and places her items on the counter.

A drunk old wino gets in line behind her.

He looks at her items then looks at her.

He again looks down at her items and looks up at her.

After doing the same thing a third time, he looks up and says " I'll bet you're single"

She is amazed at this old winos observation.

She looks at her items and then at the wino.

She says "Well yes I am but how did you know?, what gave it away?"

He says "because you're fuckin ugly"

 

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
 
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
 
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
 
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”
 
“My darling,” he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

He says "because you're fuckin ugly"

Hahahaha....good one! 

“My darling,” he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

Another good one!! 

Thanx guys, I needed a good laugh this morning!! 

Cleaned up the thread a little. Let's keep this to jokes, please.

THE DIFFERENCE WHEN YOU MARRY A HAWAIIAN GIRL

The first man married a woman from North Carolina. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from South Carolina. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Hawaii. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

 
Classic !