A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife topless in front of the mirror, turning from side to side and checking herself out.

She asks her husband,  "I was considering getting a boob job.  Do you think I should?"

The husband says, "If you want bigger boobs, just rub a bunch of toilet paper between them everyday."

She looks skeptical.  "You think rubbing toilet paper between my boobs will make them bigger?"

"Why not?" he said. "It sure worked on your ass!"

      lmfao

Interviewer to Milionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a
millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married
her?"
Millionaire: " Billionaire"

Interviewer to Milionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a
millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married
her?"
Millionaire: " Billionaire"

haha. Back yet?

haha. Back yet?

Yup I call you after work

Seen this Obama video on another forum...

I raise you two more.

Miss Lube Rack of 1955

Oh...this one is disturbing on so many levels...she wasn't even attractive "in the day."

Before They Were Famous - Nancy D'Alesandro (Pelosi) - Miss Lube Rack 1955

Miss Lube Rack of 1955

Oh...this one is disturbing on so many levels...she wasn't even attractive "in the day."

Before They Were Famous - Nancy D'Alesandro (Pelosi) - Miss Lube Rack 1955

OH, DEAR GOD!!

Why didn't they kill it with fire??   

Dogs and cats are better than children because they:

   1. Eat less.

   2. Usually come when called.

   3. Are easier to train.

   4. Don't ask for money all the time.

   5. Don't drink or smoke.

   6. Don't hang out with friends who use drugs.

   7. Never ask to drive the car.

   8. Don't have to have the latest fashions.

   9. Don't want to wear your clothes.

  10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and

  11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children

King is ready to marry off his daughet the princess.
He makes a proclamation that whoever brings him the most ping pong balls can marry his daughter.

The first guy brings in a huge bag with 1000 ping pong balls.

The second guy brings in 5 huge bags with 5000 ping pong balls.

The third guy brings in a truck with 10,000 ping pong balls.

The last guy walks in with a bag and dumps two HUGE balls on the floor before the king.

The king states: " Those are not ping pong balls !"

The guy replies: " Ping pong balls ? I though you said King Kong's balls !"

^

Joke trajectory



 

Dogs and cats are better than children because they: (Oh God!)

   1. Eat less. (My son is 20 and is 220lbs)

   2. Usually come when called. (Never, Its always WHAT?, LATER)

   3. Are easier to train. (Has to be reminded to take a bath and take out the trash!)

   4. Don't ask for money all the time. ($30 a day minimum)

   5. Don't drink or smoke. (Not Yet!)

   6. Don't hang out with friends who use drugs. (Worst Gamers)

   7. Never ask to drive the car. (Too lazy to get his license)

   8. Don't have to have the latest fashions. (Steals all my GOOD clothes)

   9. Don't want to wear your clothes. (Uh Wrong)

  10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and (Oh Crap another Tuition Bill!)

  11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children (I'm throwing them out of the House, He's plays video games and watches Anime all day. Girls dont exist yet)

What is the definition of bravery?





A man with diarrhea chancing a fart.

A guy in the locker room saw another guy with a piece of cork up his ass.
''Why do you have a cork up your ass?''
''Well, it's a long story. But one day I was walking on the beach and I tripped over a bottle and woke up a genie who said he would grant me one wish. I said, 'No shit!'''

True story...

Every year at work we exchange "gag gifts" for Christmas.

Last year I gave a toilet brush for a gift.

Every gift is given a number then we draw numbers out of a bowl to decide our gift.

The old Filipino janitor got my gift.

He looked at it and was confused. He asked "What is it?"

I told him, "it's a toilet brush"

"Aaaaaah" he said, while nodding approvingly.

So anyway, last week I just happened to be walking in the hallway and he is walking in the same hallway towards me.

I don't really talk to him so I didn't know what to say, as I pass him in the hallway the only thing I can think to say is "So how did you like that toilet brush?"

He said "Well, it was ok. I used it for a couple months, but it hurt so I went back to toilet paper"

 
 

True story...

Classic !  Laughed My Ass Off ( yeah I spelled it out )

^

Joke trajectory



 

At least I revived the thread.     ( We just got a new ping pong table and it reminded me  of the joke. )

Hillary Clinton On Gun Control:
Hillary Clinton, a Presidential Democratic Party candidate is for
banning all guns in America . She is considered by those who have
dealt with her as a little more than just a little self-righteous.
At a recent rural elementary school meeting in north Florida she
asked the kids audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, she
started to slowly clap her hands, once every few seconds. Holding
the audience in total silence, she said into the microphone, "Every
time I clap my hands, a child in America dies from gun violence."
A young voice with a proud southern accent (probably Little Johnny)
from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet. "Well, stop clappin,
ya stupid b@#$%!"

Sounds like she used some clappy statistics.

Even at a clap every ten seconds, that would be 3,153,600 kids dead from firearms per year.

(Yeah, I know, it was a made-up story, but I'm a numbers freak.)

Perspective (an easy, short read):

http://www.nationalreview.com/article/348095/children-and-guns-fear-and-reality

Sounds like she used some clappy statistics.

Even at a clap every ten seconds, that would be 3,153,600 kids dead from firearms per year.

1 clap every 10 seconds is  6 claps per minute,
                                         X 60 minutes in an hour = 360
                                         X 24 hours a day.           = 8640
                                         X 365 days a year.         = 3,153,600