WARNING FOR ALL MALES FROM ME when buying a security device for a loved one.

    Last weekend I saw something at The Gun Show that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife Dana. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Dana what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Leo looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Leo (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. He is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another.
The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with his head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

    HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! I AM CERTAIN I JUST MET JESUS!!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

 Note:
    If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser,
one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
· My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

Thanks for the great product review!  Might consider something like this.

Hope you are ok.  And if you don't mind, I need to do this:

 

Awesome product review.  Now I also need one. Which one did you get.

Awesome product review.  Now I also need one. Which one did you get.

Sorry, I copy and pasted the story from elsewhere.
I would not do that., I already know what can happen with a phone. 

What did socialists use for light before candles?

Electricity

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Indonesian gangsters.

Wtf wuz dat?

Wtf wuz dat?

Idk. But it's kind of a catchy tune
was stuck in my head all day after I watched it a few times 

A frantic young blonde calls out a mayday.

"My pilot has had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly."

She hears a voice over the radio saying,
"This is air traffic control and I hear you loud and clear.

I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground.

Everything will be fine! What is your height and position?"

She replied, "I am 5'4 and I am in the front seat.

After a long pause, "Okay" says
the voice on the radio.

"Now, repeat after me."

"Our Father who art in heaven….."

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An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive sports car.

Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man.

"Look what you did to my car" he yells.
"You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"

"Oh my" says the old man, "I don't have that kind of money.

Let me call my son, he trains dolphins and he will know what to do."

"Dolphins" the other driver huffs, while rolling his eyes.

The old man pulls out his phone, dials his son and just as his son answered, the irate man snatches the phone away from the old man.

"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh? Well, Your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need 10 grand right now or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp."

"I'll be there in 10 minutes," says the voice calmly on the other end.

Exactly 10 minutes later a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road.

When he finished, he walked over to his father and said….

"For the last time dad, I train Seals, Navy Seals.....

NOT dolphins!"

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Exactly 10 minutes later a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road.

When he finished, he walked over to his father and said….

"For the last time dad, I train Seals, Navy Seals.....

NOT dolphins!"

My mind went to Miami Dolphins.   

My mind went to Miami Dolphins.   

Mines too!

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My mind went to Miami Dolphins.   

Three!

I've been to a lot of places, but I have never been in Cahoots.
Apparently you can't go alone, you have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane.
They don't have an airport, you have to be driven there.

I have made several trips.

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A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirins and a glass of water.

His wife asked, "What's that for?"

"It's for your headache."

"I don't have a headache."

He smiles. "Gotcha"

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If you aren't posting "pics or videos,' then you probably need to  post to the Jokes thread.

https://2ahawaii.com/index.php?topic=2116.0

Stop aggravating my OCD!!!

 

https://www.facebook.com/reel/1535681783505351

Not sure if this link will work.

 

Let me reciprocate (CAUTION: Language):

So, what did YOU do for Juneteenth?