A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50%-50%.
A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
   There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.
The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment all on his own. He proudly went down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. He smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. She softly placed her hand on his arm and was delighted at his youthful innocents. Suddenly she said, “I hear someone coming, let's go into my apartment.”

He quickly followed and as she closed the door she allowed her robe to fall completely open. Now that she had his undivided attention, she purred at him, “What would you say are my best features?” Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, “It's got to be your ears.” Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, “My ears? Look at these breasts, they’re a full 38 inches and all natural. I work out every day and my a$$ is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist and look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that my best attributes are my ears?”

Clearing his throat, he stammered... “Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... that was me.”

God had been missing for six days.  Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"


God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."


Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"


"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it.. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."


"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."


God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.. Balance in all things."


God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."


The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"


"That's Washington State , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of software."


Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."


God smiled, "There's another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots I put there.

I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like:

"I'm tired."  "I'm washing my hair."  "I've got a headache."  "I'm your sister."

                                                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman in labor is in pain and screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital
 
bed.  He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass, but N-O-O-O-O,
 
you said that might hurt!
                                                         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent another $2,000
 
on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she
 
couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she
 
goes fucking nuts! Women, I can't figure them out.
 
                                                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born, "I don't mean to be
 
rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and
 
said, "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier."
 
                                                         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Dear Dr Phil:
I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom
 
window. As I was jerking off, I turned to notice my wife was just standing there,
 
arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert or what?
 
                                                     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
A guy gets a call at work from the police telling him that his house had been robbed. 
 
The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of
 
silence passes, then the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!"
 
                                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Got this text from my brother recently. It read, "Can I stay at your house for a while? 
 
The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. For what it's worth,
 
it reaches all the way to the back of her sister's throat!"
 
                                                     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I'm coming or going."

I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face you're going, because when
 
you're coming you look like a fucking squirrel trying to whistle!"

                                                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip, do you think about me?"

Apparently, "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly!" wasn't the right answer.

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.  The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error.  Not long enough."

lol..good 1 

An Indian Chief and his son were sitting outside of their teepee and looking out over the plain.  The son then asks his Dad, Dad, why did you name my sister "Whispering Wind"?
CHIEF- hummmf, when sister was born wind blow through grass on plain, sound like whisper so I name her Whipering Wind.
SON-  Dad why did you name my older brother "Soaring Eagle"?
CHIEF- hummmmf, when brother was born I look up to sky I see eagle flying proudly, I name your brother "Soaring Eagle". 
Why do you ask? 2 Dogs Fucking

Today I had to go to the grocery store.  As I approached the entrance, I noticed a driver looking for a parking space.

So, I flagged the driver and pointed out a handicap parking space that was open and available.  The driver looked puzzled, rolled down her window and said, "I'm not handicapped!"

Well, as you can imagine, my face was red!

"Oh, I'm sorry," I said. I saw your "I'm Ready for Hillary" bumper sticker and just assumed you suffer from a mental disorder."

She screamed some nasty names at me.  Boy! Some people don't appreciate it when you're just trying to help them out!

The limerick, peculiar to English,
Is a verse form that's hard to extinguish,
Once congress, in session,
Decreed its suppression,
But people got around it by writing the last line without any rhyme or meter.