A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth,
and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local
welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of
the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We
Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in
his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected
to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather
awkward to say But you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment
to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a
rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it!"

 

LOL good one

I could never understand the pants thing, BTW. really, 

A guy in the locker room saw another guy with a piece of cork up his ass.
''Why do you have a cork up your ass?''
''Well, it's a long story. But one day I was walking on the beach and I tripped over a bottle and woke up a genie who said he would grant me one wish. I said, 'No shit!'''

 

More hilarity here

The 22 Best Reactions From Steve Harvey On "Family Feud"
http://www.buzzfeed.com/awesomer/love-you-steve-harvey

Family Feud Fails: The Worst Answers in Show History

LOL!!!!!!!!!

Damn.

I am in a huge predicament here.

I'm not sure if this is the right section but I don't know where else it would go.

Anyway, this morning my wife left to work.

She wasn't supposed to return till 5:00 PM but for some reason she showed up at noon.

When she came in the house, I was making love to a beautiful young woman.

I didn't notice her come in and she started screaming.  "WHAT!!!, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE!!!, HOW COULD YOU?"

I said "please stop, let me explain. It's perfectly innocent."

I was driving home and noticed this beautiful girl sitting on the sidewalk crying. I asked her if she was ok and she said she has no money, she's hungry and has no place to go.
I brought her back home and found that dinner that I bought you last night from L&L. You said you don't want to eat it because its not healthy enough.

She was filthy so I told her she could take a shower.
She used the shampoo and body wash that my sister gave you but you didn't want it because you said its not hypo allergenic.
I let her dry herself with the towel my mom gave us for Christmas that you said you hate.

Her clothes were dirty so I threw them away. I gave her the clothes that I got you for your birthday that you don't use anymore because you say they're too tight.

That was all.

Then I walked her to the door.

She was so thankful, and asked "Is there anything else I can have that your wife doesn't use anymore?"

LOL 

ok, there were two little kids talking...

Boy:  Do you have one of this? (proudly pointing to his private part)

Girl:  No, but my Mommy said, if I got this (pointing to her private part)...........I can get plenty of that.

The zookeeper was showing the society matron the various exotic animals in the zoo.

They had zebras, lions, different lizards, etc. from all over the world.

When they got to the porcupines, the zookeeper warned the matron not to get too close not to try touching the porcupines.

"So these are the North American porcupines," said the matron.

"Yes."

"And those over there are the African porcupines?"

"Yes that is correct M'am"

"One of them seems to have longer pricks than the other."

The zookeeper contemplated for a moment, and then replied:

"Well, perhaps their quills might be a bit longer, but I think their pricks are about the same."

Not sure if real but if really real would be a riot. 

 

The Job Interview:

HR manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Old man: "Honesty."

HR Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Old man: "I really don't give a rats ass what you think!"

Separated at birth? ? ? ?

Buwahaha that's a good one!!!

Sumbitch....

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Alabama.
Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force.
By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally
destroyed with only a burned hull left
smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone.
They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened.
They hurried over to the man's tractor.
"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath.
"Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine.
"Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?"
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself.
Took me most of the morning."
"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked.
"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't..
But you know how bad that sumbitch lies.

The Postal Service recently created a stamp with a picture of President Obama, but immediately was inundated with complaints that it was not adhering to envelopes.
The president had a temper tantrum and ordered a full investigation.
After a month of testing and after spending $1.73 million, a special presidential commission presented the following findings:
1. The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
3. People had been spitting on the wrong side.

^^LOL^^  ***mumbles*** you'd be liking a horses arse no matter which side you lick.....  ***grumble***

Gentleman Golfers.....

A golfer hits his ball into a garden, next to the golf course. As he goes to get it a man in the garden says, "Don't you see the sign? It says, Private property - Stay Out!."
 
The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?"
 
The man says, "It's in my garden, so it's my ball now."
 
The golfer looks at the man and says, "I understand."
 
He then walks back to the golf trolley, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the garden.
 
The man says, "What is that for?"
 
The golfer replies, "I consider myself a gentleman, and I believe every prick should have two balls."

Two businessmen in a new shopping mall.....were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...


As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

 
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"


One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, “Must be doing well...Only two left!."