I thought about studying archeology, but I was afraid my career would end in ruins.

What's the easiest way to tell an ant's gender?

Put them in a bowl of water.

Sinks -- girl ant.

Floats -- boyant.

Q:  How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb?







A:  Who wants to know?   

What kind of candy do Christmas trees like ?

  Orna mints

What did the sleigh horse say when he fell down ?

Help, I've fallen and I can't giddy-up.

i don't like to publicize my good deeds, but did you know I support a child in Africa?

I feed, clothe, educate, and even inoculate him, all for just 75 cents a day.

That's pretty affordable for me, even when you add in the cost of sending him there.

 

Gotta love statistics.

Fact:  There are 1.4 billion people in China.

Fact:  There are 7 billion people on Earth.

Therefore:  1 out of every 5 babies born on Earth are Chinese.

Conclusion:

    If you've got 4 kids and you are expecting a 5th,
    it will be Chinese.

Two deaf people have just gotten married. They really love each other, but sex at night has been a bit of a struggle, as they are unable to communicate through signing, and it is too dark to read each other's lips.
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.
The husband loves this idea. He writes back to his wife that if she wants to have sex with him, she should reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, she should pull on his penis 100 times.
 

A flasher walked up to a bench where 2 nuns were sitting.

He opened his trench coat, and one of the nuns had a stroke.

The other nun was too slow.

 

The Grinch found an old bottle of Viagra in the trash.

He grew three sizes that day.

 

My daughter told me to put ketchup on my shopping list, but that made it unreadable.

Then I made the mistake of rubbing my eyes.  Now i have Heinz sight.

That's some pretty good ones

My wife was talking to her doctor and asked him, 'Is there anything I can do for my husband's dandruff?  He hasn't bothered to ask his doctor, because he doesn't think it's that bad a problem."

The doctor told her, "Maybe try a little Head & Shoulders."

She said, "Okay, but ... how do I give him shoulders??" 

Q:  How do you milk sheep?



A:  Release a new iPhone.

My old boss used to hate it when I shortened his name to "Dick."


His name was actually Steven.

My grandfather is addicted to Viagra.

Nobody's taking it harder than Grandma.

Q:  What's the difference between a golf ball and a G-spot?


A:  A guy will try to find a golf ball.

 

A natural blonde purchases a new Mercedes, but a few days later she calls the dealership complaining.

For some reason, she can't get it to move at night.  She's fine driving in the daytime, but at night, the car just won't go.

The Mercedes service rep scheduled an appointment the next day, and she was able to drive it there with no problems.

After an entire day running diagnostics and tests, the mechanics were stumped.  Everything checked out.

The service rep then called to ask,  "Are you sure you're putting it in the right gear?  Maybe you're not able to see the console at night?"

To which she replied, "No, i can see it perfectly.  i put it in "D" for Day and 'N" for Night ...."

A natural blonde purchases a new Mercedes, but a few days later she calls the dealership complaining.

For some reason, she can't get it to move at night.  She's fine driving in the daytime, but at night, the car just won't go.

The Mercedes service rep scheduled an appointment the next day, and she was able to drive it there with no problems.

After an entire day running diagnostics and tests, the mechanics were stumped.  Everything checked out.

The service rep then called to ask,  "Are you sure you're putting it in the right gear?  Maybe you're not able to see the console at night?"

To which she replied, "No, i can see it perfectly.  i put it in "D" for Day and 'N" for Night ...."

I normally don't pay much attention to "blonde" jokes as I think they are
picking on just one set of women when we know they are ALL nuts
sometimes, but that was a good one
Personally I just look at their tits..