I took my truck to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise. He removed the Taylor Swift CD and now it's fine.

Sounds like more than just one dumb blonde involved.

 

Bill worked in a pickle factory for a long time.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one dav to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that someihing was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that l told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bil, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh... she got fired too."

😳

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"
 

As a man followed his nurse to his doctor's office for a checkup, they pass a room with the lights dimmed and a man masturbating to a nude magazine.

The man asks the nurse what that was about. 

She explained the man has a rare condition that causes severe pain in his testicles if he doesn't climax at least daily.

Having never heard of such a thing before, the man mumbled, "Hmmm", and contemplated how inconvenient that condition could become.

As they passed another room, he could see a nurse with her blouse open giving a man fellatio. 

Surprised, he again asked the nurse what was going on. 

She replied, "Oh, he has the same condition as the first patient.  He just has a better health plan!"

 

It's so cold in Iowa that liberals have their hands in their own pockets.

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An elderly lady visits her plastic surgeon complaining that every time she gets a face lift its only a matter of months before she needs another one. The surgeon being a sympathetic man offers her an experimental treatment. The treatment he tells her , involves screwing a small knob into the back of her head and every time she feels her face sag she can just tighten it up. The elderly lady leaves looking like a twenty year old and is delighted. However the story does not end there.

About 6 months later the lady returns to the surgeon complaining of bags beneath her eyes. "Those aren't bags" he tells her. "Those are your breasts from where you have tightened up the screw too much". The elderly lady replies, "that would explain my new goatee then."
 

I got pulled over this morning and the police officer said, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" I said, "Yes, but unfortunately that's not a real donut, it's just a tire cover."

Now I need bail money.

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Taking a shower normally is a chore until you get shampoo in your mouth.

Then it becomes a soap opera.

 

My daughter came home visibly upset.  So, I asked how school was.

She told me, "I came in second in the 8th grade spelling bee."

So I said, "You studied so hard for that.  I'm so sorry.  What word did you miss?"

"Armageddon."

I smiled and said, "Cheer up!  It's not like it's the end of the world!"

 

My favorite color is green.

I like green even more than blue and yellow combined.

 

On my way home from work tonight I yelled "COW!" at a woman on a bike and she gave me the middle finger.
Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow. I tried

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I wish this was a joke but it's not.

I used to play piano by ear but now it's easier to use my hands

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Why does the West Virginia Sheriff's Department have such an hard time solving criminal cases?




Everyone has the same DNA, and there are no dental records.

 

It's a common stereotype that all Italians are either in the Mob or married to mobsters.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Quite a few of them are in witness protection.

 

The Flintstones -- both the movies and cartoons -- didn't go over well in the United Arab Emirates.   

The people in most cities and towns just don't seem to care for Fred and Wilma.

However, the people of Abu Dhabi do.

 

Why are there never any Japanese bingo players?
 A: They always disappear after they hear B-29