Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?
.
.
.
.
Cause then it would be a foot…..
 

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven......

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"   

i'm so confused.

in Sunday school, i was taught only people had living souls.

If that's the case, where do we get mineral spirits?

 


(in before someone replies "Home Depot"!)

When I was young man, I didn't have very much money. My mom always said, "Son, work until your bank account looks like a phone number."
Finally, after 40 years of hard work, marriage and two kids, "Mom! I've made it!!"
Available Balance $9.11

Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk

When I was young man, I didn't have very much money. My mom always said, "Son, work until your bank account looks like a phone number."
Finally, after 40 years of hard work, marriage and two kids, "Mom! I've made it!!"
Available Balance $9.11

Sent from my moto g power (2021) using Tapatalk

My account looks more like 625-9700.

Do the math. 

 

My therapist asked me if anyone in the family was suffering from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."

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Jimmy Fallon, on Trump announcing his running mate at the Republican National Convention:

Trump needs someone who is going to help him win, so right now the front-runner is Joe Biden.


 

I just got mugged by six dwarves in a minivan.

Not Happy!

 

Why don't more extraterrestrials visit Earth?

Because our planet only has one star.

 

Groan

My brother is addicted to hydraulic brake fluid.

Says he can stop anytime he wants.


 

Cop:  I'm issuing you a summons for breaking the speed limit.  Please sign here.

Young female driver:  You're giving me a ticket?  Really!!?  DO YOU KNOW WHO MY FATHER IS??

Cop:  Why?  Didn't your mother tell you?


 

What do teachers eat when they’re hungry?
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Academia nuts 🤣

A tractor company sales rep was driving down a rural road when he suddenly saw this chicken race up next to him.  He looked at the instrument panel and saw that he was doing 30 MPH!

Then suddenly the chicken sped up and cut in front of the car taking a side road to the right.

As the chicken crossed his path, the driver was sure he saw something unbelievable -- the chicken appeared to have 3 legs.

Without hesitation, the salesman took the right turn and followed the chicken to a large farm.

Seeing a farmer by the barn, he drove up, greeted the man, and asked, "Did you see a chicken go speeding by here?"

The farmer smiled and said, "Yes, sir. I sure did."

The man then asked, "Am I crazy, or did the chicken have 3 legs?"

"Oh, no,  You're not seeing things.  That chicken definitely had 3 legs.  In fact, I created that breed myself."

The salesman was surprised.  "That's amazing.  Why would you do something like that?"

"Well, when it was just the two of us, my wife, Mabel, and I always liked drumsticks best.  But, when Junior came along and was able to eat table food, we didn't have enough drumsticks to go around.  Cooking up 2 chickens created another problem:  who gets the extra drumstick?  So, I did some reading and experimenting, and i came up with my 3-legged chickens."

The man was astounded. "My hat's off to you, sir.  I'm truly impressed.  So, tell me, do they taste any different?"

The farmer said, "Don't know.  Haven't been able to catch one yet!"

 

What do you call a twitching cow?

Beef jerky

 

What do you call a twitching cow?

Beef jerky

 

...

Q -- Why do the people of Greece hate waking up at sunrise?




A -- Because Dawn's tough on Greece!

 

They look great, but they are loud,
Incredibly expensive to maintain and are nearly impossible to control. The other is a Trans Am.
I don't know anything about Trans Ams.

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If you asked Rick Astley the singer to give you a DVD of the animated movie "Up,"
he would not do it. 

That's because he's never gonna give you Up.

However, in his refusal, he would be letting you down,
which Rick Astley also cannot do (never gonna let you down).


This is called The Rick Astley Paradox.