Jokes? Jokes, anyone... (Read 642936 times)

Flapp_Jackson

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #1580 on: August 06, 2024, 04:45:39 PM »
Q:  Why did the cellphone have to wear his glasses?



A:  Because he lost his contacts.
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world;
the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.
Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
-- George Bernard Shaw

Rocky

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #1581 on: August 20, 2024, 09:07:31 AM »
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

    While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

    To which his wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
“I ask you to judge me by the enemies I have made.”
                                                           Franklin D. Roosevelt

Flapp_Jackson

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #1582 on: September 04, 2024, 01:09:02 AM »
Q:  Which US state is the worst?


A:  Texas.  it has a Lone Star rating.
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world;
the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.
Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
-- George Bernard Shaw

Flapp_Jackson

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #1583 on: October 22, 2024, 09:56:08 PM »
My vacuum cleaner has been having problems for a while now. 

Last Thursday, it stopped picking up anything at all.

I ordered a couple of free Harris-Walz 2024 campaign stickers and put them on the vac.

Man, does it really suck now!

 :geekdanc: :rofl:
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world;
the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.
Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
-- George Bernard Shaw

Flapp_Jackson

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #1584 on: November 05, 2024, 04:48:45 PM »
There's still a cloud of mystery over the 1998 murder-suicide in which the Co-Developer of the popular video game TETRIS died.

The other mystery is how his casket vanished when lowered into the grave ...  along with every other casket in the cemetery!

 :geekdanc: :rofl:

The reasonable man adapts himself to the world;
the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.
Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
-- George Bernard Shaw

Flapp_Jackson

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #1585 on: November 15, 2024, 02:23:28 PM »
Today, it dawned on me.  What if Dr. Pepper was actually a woman all this time?

 :geekdanc:

« Last Edit: December 17, 2024, 08:38:56 PM by Flapp_Jackson »
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world;
the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.
Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
-- George Bernard Shaw

Flapp_Jackson

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #1586 on: December 17, 2024, 11:58:26 PM »
I went to a silent auction last weekend.

Came home with 2 dog whistles and a mime.

 :geekdanc: :rofl:
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world;
the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.
Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
-- George Bernard Shaw

Flapp_Jackson

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #1587 on: December 22, 2024, 11:18:48 PM »
The Answer Is:

      Drywall, Christmas Decorations, and Jeffrey Epstein.




The Question is:

      Name 3 things that don't hang themselves.

 :geekdanc: :rofl:
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world;
the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.
Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
-- George Bernard Shaw

Flapp_Jackson

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #1588 on: January 19, 2025, 01:28:13 PM »
What did the drummer name is twin daughters?




Anna One
Anna Two
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world;
the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.
Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
-- George Bernard Shaw

oldfart

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #1589 on: January 20, 2025, 05:18:59 AM »
What did the drummer name is twin daughters?




Anna One
Anna Two
....
That was a Lawrence Welk joke.
What, Me Worry?

Flapp_Jackson

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #1590 on: January 20, 2025, 12:52:57 PM »
....
That was a Lawrence Welk joke.

Try getting a laugh with a Lawrence Welk joke in a group of people under 50 years old!
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world;
the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.
Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
-- George Bernard Shaw

oldfart

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #1591 on: January 21, 2025, 04:27:45 AM »
Try getting a laugh with a Lawrence Welk joke in a group of people under 50 years old!
....
Lol....sucks to get old
What, Me Worry?

mrgaf

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #1592 on: January 22, 2025, 03:25:33 PM »
How did Lawrence Welk die?

He choked on a bubble….🫡
To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead.  Thomas Paine.

No man can get rich in politics unless he is a crook.  It cannot be done. Harry Truman

Only good liberal is one taking a dirt nap.

oldfart

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #1593 on: January 23, 2025, 04:49:46 AM »
How did Lawrence Welk die?

He choked on a bubble….🫡
=============
sorry gaf
I'm not catching on to the joke  :rofl:
What, Me Worry?

astroboy

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #1594 on: January 23, 2025, 02:54:22 PM »
How did Captain Hook die?

He scratched his boys with the wrong hand.

Flapp_Jackson

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #1595 on: January 23, 2025, 08:17:37 PM »
What if i told you,

the Transgender movement was started just so White people could claim to be victims, too?

 :popcorn:
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world;
the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.
Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
-- George Bernard Shaw

Flapp_Jackson

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #1596 on: February 18, 2025, 11:15:28 PM »
Hear about the latest French fragrance for introverts?



It's called Leev Mee Duh Fuh Cologne.

 :geekdanc: :rofl:
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world;
the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.
Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
-- George Bernard Shaw

oldfart

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #1597 on: February 18, 2025, 11:21:05 PM »
What, Me Worry?

Flapp_Jackson

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #1598 on: February 25, 2025, 08:56:38 PM »
Q: What number is better than 69?



A: 77, because you get 8 more.

 :geekdanc: :thumbsup: :rofl:
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world;
the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.
Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
-- George Bernard Shaw

Flapp_Jackson

Re: Jokes? Jokes, anyone...
« Reply #1599 on: February 28, 2025, 10:00:34 PM »
I gave my wife a pair of diamond earrings for her birthday years ago.  It dawned on me that she had never really asked if they were real, so I asked her.

Me:  Did you ever suspect they might be fake diamonds?

Her:  Of course not.

Me:  How could you tell?

Her:  Nobody makes Zirconium stones that small!

Doh!!    :geekdanc:   
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world;
the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.
Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
-- George Bernard Shaw